Confused by the actions of someone else

[Jonathan Lees]

Hello, my name is Jonathan and I am an aspergic Master's student in leicester.

For a few months I have been involved with a girl henceforth called T.

It was going really well meeting multiple times a week, but then over the Christmas break T who is an exchange student went back to her home country.

Over the break I tried to keep in contact with the odd message every once in a while (every few days to a week or even longer so definitely not over the top) and tagged her in the odd posts I thought she may like (again not super regularly).

She while replying consistently but was barely putting any effort in the conversation often replying in as few words as possible and never giving back which made the conversation feel one sided.

I am someone who enjoys conversation so the lack of effort on her part really upset me.

I decided I'd ask T upfront if there was any issue between us, she said that she thought I was trying to distract her from her life at home, I responded that this was not the intention at all and that if I like someone I like to talk to them every once in a while.
I don't think I was excessively messaging her, I talked with plenty of my friends far more over the same period including ex's with no complaints about my messages and their number and with her lack of effort in response reduced my messages massively to give her space.

Now she has returned but she seems fairly uninterested in meeting up and hanging out the way we did before the break which has left me very confused.
I do not know what has changed or why, but the whole ordeal has upset me.

Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated.

 

[Starfire]

Hi Jonathan, is it possible that she has become romantically involved with someone and she either didn't want to, or didn't know how to let you know? This is purely a guess based on what you wrote.

 

[Chance]

Hey Jonathan, Boy meets girl - our world goes nuts...

Dude if you figure this out I will take lessons from you... because you will be a Guru in a world of confusion...

All I can say is be honest with her... If she no longer seems interested then you just saved yourself a lot of heartache... and a better one will come along if you so choose to seek her out.

Meanwhile you should never listen to me.
I suck at man/lady relationships and I confuse myself a lot. : )

 

[OkRad]

People have a tendency to keep their inner dealings private. To me ,and to some other aspies I have met, it seems that full disclose is the same as Truth. I feel deceptive if I don't try fully to explain any given situation.

It's hard for me to understand that most people do not feel that need.

That may be it. The unequal need to disclose. Or she may have acquired a significant other?

Lack of closure is very hard.

 

[Jonathan Lees]

thank you everyone for your responses,

i have been extremely honest with her hence my asking if there was any issue, she had the perfect opportunity then to tell me how she felt, if she had just said she was no longer looking for a romantic relationship that would have been fine and i would totally understand instead she has not and instead just grown distant without explanation.

i know for a fact she hasn't become involved with someone else but even if she had all she would have to do is tell me and id understand, its the lack of disclosure from her that is the confusing bit.

i think im just going to stop thinking about it and get on with the rest of my life.

 

[Chance]

thank you everyone for your responses,

i have been extremely honest with her hence my asking if there was any issue, she had the perfect opportunity then to tell me how she felt, if she had just said she was no longer looking for a romantic relationship that would have been fine and i would totally understand instead she has not and instead just grown distant without explanation.

i know for a fact she hasn't become involved with someone else but even if she had all she would have to do is tell me and id understand, its the lack of disclosure from her that is the confusing bit.

i think im just going to stop thinking about it and get on with the rest of my life.

thank you everyone for your responses,

i have been extremely honest with her hence my asking if there was any issue, she had the perfect opportunity then to tell me how she felt, if she had just said she was no longer looking for a romantic relationship that would have been fine and i would totally understand instead she has not and instead just grown distant without explanation.

i know for a fact she hasn't become involved with someone else but even if she had all she would have to do is tell me and id understand, its the lack of disclosure from her that is the confusing bit.

i think im just going to stop thinking about it and get on with the rest of my life.

AND THEN... She may appear right back in your life once you have stopped "the chase" so to speak... Dude girls are so weird on this...

I remember a girl in high school who was mean as hell to me... I started doing anything I could to avoid her and it made it worse. I finally asked her why she hated me so bad? She said, "I don't hate you... I like you a lot..." Then I really wanted to run because I was more confused then ever. Thankfully she finally gave up and left me alone... I think she saw the sheer terror in my eyes... : )

 

[Suzanne]

Basing this on what I used to be like ( marriage stopped it lol). I used to be really into the guy and then, two week's later, could not stand to be around him or even hear his voice and caused great distress, because I have never seen myself as a great catch and thought: you act as though you have a guy waiting around the corner and hey, girl, realistic news for you, you haven't; you are not a bomb shell you know and yet, despite this, I still could not cope with being in that guy's life, but sadly, got my younger sister to do the dead ( wow).

One guy I went out with, was, well really into me, but sadly he smelt so bad but I had not the heart to tell him and one day, I was telling a sibling and did not realise he had been listening in and so forthwith, that ended a relationship ( not sexual). I had to put up with him calling me names behind my back, but in truth, it was a relief to have him out of my life.

So, it is quite possible that this young woman has not the courage to hurt you, despite you being clear that it wouldn't. Perhaps other guys have said the same and so, she admits and gets blasted.

It is wiser to try and let it go. If she is interested she will contact you again.

 

[Chance]

Jonathan I know we are like a half a world apart... and I am older than you...
But I think in pictures (big time) and in that I hook stuff up with stories or songs that match those pictures a lot...

Basically I'm a Southern American Redneck with half Canadian roots... With a passion for Southern California... But I love music beyond words... All types and with you tube I can see what the music means to other people... This is how me and ladies usually go until I married one and all hell broke loose... : )

Good luck to you buddy...

 

[OkRad]

AND THEN... She may appear right back in your life once you have stopped "the chase" so to speak... Dude girls are so weird on this...

I remember a girl in high school who was mean as hell to me... I started doing anything I could to avoid her and it made it worse. I finally asked her why she hated me so bad? She said, "I don't hate you... I like you a lot..." Then I really wanted to run because I was more confused then ever. Thankfully she finally gave up and left me alone... I think she saw the sheer terror in my eyes... : )

OMGosh. I get that. If they confuse me and I think they don't like me, that is hard, but if they DO like me? Oh man..........BOLT.

 

[OkRad]

Basing this on what I used to be like ( marriage stopped it lol). I used to be really into the guy and then, two week's later, could not stand to be around him or even hear his voice and caused great distress, because I have never seen myself as a great catch and thought: you act as though you have a guy waiting around the corner and hey, girl, realistic news for you, you haven't; you are not a bomb shell you know and yet, despite this, I still could not cope with being in that guy's life, but sadly, got my younger sister to do the dead ( wow).

One guy I went out with, was, well really into me, but sadly he smelt so bad but I had not the heart to tell him and one day, I was telling a sibling and did not realise he had been listening in and so forthwith, that ended a relationship ( not sexual). I had to put up with him calling me names behind my back, but in truth, it was a relief to have him out of my life.

So, it is quite possible that this young woman has not the courage to hurt you, despite you being clear that it wouldn't. Perhaps other guys have said the same and so, she admits and gets blasted.

It is wiser to try and let it go. If she is interested she will contact you again.

I cannot believe how much you all feel the same as I do. You remember what I went through a year ago with that guy? I went through all this. I have stayed away for almost 6 months and it's much better. He has not tried to contact me, so I assume that my inner condemning voices were, in fact, correct. I think I misread it OR he had ill intentions. My roomie said, "Duh, OKRAD....he wanted sex and you wanted a relationship!"

I am an idiot................But moving on!! Glad I am not alone in this............

 

[Suzanne]

I cannot believe how much you all feel the same as I do. You remember what I went through a year ago with that guy? I went through all this. I have stayed away for almost 6 months and it's much better. He has not tried to contact me, so I assume that my inner condemning voices were, in fact, correct. I think I misread it OR he had ill intentions. My roomie said, "Duh, OKRAD....he wanted sex and you wanted a relationship!"

I am an idiot................But moving on!! Glad I am not alone in this............

I remember well and often think on how things are, but reluctant to ask, in case bad feelings arise.

 

[paloftoon]

Also remember that people may do things that just don't make sense. Pretty much all of us are selfish at least a little. Even if we know it's wrong, we may not want to be honest about certain things. I don't mean like cheating, but more like leading a person on and then losing interest and just constantly making excuses.

 

[Jonathan Lees]

thanks again people for your response, even if a few are a little of topic they are friendly and nice to hear.

he wanted sex and you wanted a relationship!"

this may be close to what it was the more i think about it, but the other way around i.e she wanted sex, and i wanted a relationship.
we were sexual together quite a bit before the break but maybe my desire to date, hangout and grow closer romantically wasn't what she was after, she could have just informed me though but then again i shouldn't assume everyone is as open and honest as me though.
again it turns out casual relationships arent for me, i want something more serious which few people are after from me, at least ive had it before though even if only once.

AND THEN... She may appear right back in your life once you have stopped "the chase" so to speak... Dude girls are so weird on this...

I remember a girl in high school who was mean as hell to me... I started doing anything I could to avoid her and it made it worse. I finally asked her why she hated me so bad? She said, "I don't hate you... I like you a lot..." Then I really wanted to run because I was more confused then ever. Thankfully she finally gave up and left me alone... I think she saw the sheer terror in my eyes... : )

guys and girls have equal capacity for weird confusing behaviour in my experience, in fact when ive tried to date boys if anything they've been more confusing as tend to be less emotionally open. i totally understand how youd be confused by that girls behaviour, when i was younger (really young like 8-10)my mum would say if someone punches you it means they like you, of course i now know she meant a jovial friendly punch rather than a violent one but that sure confused me for a while.

Jonathan I know we are like a half a world apart... and I am older than you...
But I think in pictures (big time) and in that I hook stuff up with stories or songs that match those pictures a lot...

Basically I'm a Southern American Redneck with half Canadian roots... With a passion for Southern California... But I love music beyond words... All types and with you tube I can see what the music means to other people... This is how me and ladies usually go until I married one and all hell broke loose... : )

Good luck to you buddy...

and thank you alot for your video, it may not be my kind of music but it sure is a nice gesture.

have a good one everyone

j.