Compare myself to other people makes me depressed.

[Misery]

It reminds me of that story about a guy who won the lottery and then bought everything he ever wanted. Then he was found dead of suicide surrounded by all his great stuff. Or Ted Turner's father, who achieved all his dreams in life by 50, and killed himself at 52 because he had nothing else to do in his life and thus had no point in going on. I see how angry everybody is around me, and the better "the economy" supposedly does the more miserable they are. Look up the song Terminal Preppy by the punk band Dead Kennedys, it makes fun of the shallowness of the children of the affluent, and it's nearly 40 years old. "Someday I'll have power / Someday I'll have boats / A tract in some suburb / With Thanksgivings to host!" When you consider that drug use and net worth seem to be directly correlated, we may not have it so bad.

Aye, pretty much true.

Alot of people think that money and status will make them happy or fix their problems. Likely, it wont. It just doesnt work that way.

There's a video I watched recently, "If the Lottery Were Honest". Comedy video from Cracked, but they make a point of telling it like it is. And one thing that was said was that a large percentage of lottery winners report zero change in their overall happiness as a result of that huge blob of money. Because again, it simply doesnt work that way. And even those that do find their moods improving are likely to find that the improvement is not permanent. Eventually, all that luster and shine wears off. Yeah, that lottery money means they can do whatever, but what is the point? Just to HAVE things? There's a line from an episode of Star Trek (or was it one of the books?) where Q (who is literally all-powerful) explains his antics and the screwy contests he's constantly coming up with by saying "When you can do literally anything, there is nothing so boring as simply doing it".

My own living situation is that the family is, well, wealthy, to put it simply. I'm not talking "buy a helicopter because I'm bored" sort of ultra-wealth, but... I actually will do things like buy a new video game because I've been bored for 5 minutes (to be fair, it IS my main interest). Or I might set up a trip to go to a convention because why not. Despite that I'm a total impulse buyer, I never run into a restriction of spending. As a rule, I can do what I want, when I want.

Sounds great on paper, right? But... Does that keep my mood up? Ye gods, no. Anyone that's been around me for more than 5 minutes knows that I tend to be depressive, angry, and negative. There's alot of reasons why I use the name "Misery" on here. Even right now, I sit here in this gigantic behemoth of a house, and.... ugh. People think a place like this will make them happy. But I usually just want to get away from here. I'll wander around the freaking Walmart just for a break from this blasted place. Heck, one of the reasons I like going to conventions so much is not just because of the event itself, but because of the hotel stay. They arent special rooms, I just get normal ones as it seems idiotic to pay extra for amenities I'm not going to use, yet still.... boy do I enjoy that. People always look at me like I just grew 5 additional heads when I say that. I guess alot of people really dont like having to deal with hotels. But it lets me get away from this stupid lump of a house and have a small space purely to myself. And the lack of a job/career isnt necessarily a great thing either. Yeah, I would do BADLY at most jobs, and I hate the idea of being under the control of some malevolent corporation, but... in my situation there's also a lack of anything resembling a sense of accomplishment. People underestimate that aspect.

Instead, it's' things like my wonderful dog, or interactions/visits with family, or my rather simple yet engaging hobbies (all of which provide an actual mental challenge) that keep me going. Money is important in terms of necessities and whatnot, but just having lots of it for the sake of having lots... there's far more important things than that. Alot of people though get obsessed with the desire to have MORE, and that creates the emotional problems. And then they have trouble seeing the truly good things that are nearby.... if they even see them at all.

And all of that is something I wish I could teach to more people and help them understand.

Dont look at what others have and drown yourself in envy. Instead, look for the truth of what you already have. Chances are, you have more than you think you do, yet your emotional state prevents you from seeing them. Depression does that. Yet even so... There may be aspects of your life that someone you consider to be far "above" you would be deeply jealous of (of course, whether they'd admit to it or not is another matter). "The grass is always greener" and whatnot.

Also: Dont think that you have to desire something simply because society says you're supposed to want it. That's another important point. Some people go after the whole "get a lot of friends" thing not because they GENUINELY want to... but because they think they are supposed to want to. If you genuinely want to make a new friend, that's one thing. But dont go into social situations simply because "that's the thing you're supposed to do". Down that road lies only madness.


There, I'm done with the aimless ranting.

 

[Voltaic]

I don't know about you, but comparing myself to others makes me feel great!!

trick is lowering the bar to whom you are comparing yourself too.

I am a better piano player than Liszt... mostly because he is dead at the moment. I am stronger than that starving person in Africa, I am more mobile than a quadriplegic. In terms of being relative to someone else, I am a genius, strongman, and highly skilled.

Though, if I were to compare myself to Liszt when he was still alive, or an African farmer who works all day in the sun for his food, or an Olympic skier... I am now dumb, weak, and mediocre.

So is it that I am smart compared to a dead guy, or dumb compared to a genius? Is it that 50km/h is fast on foot, or slow in a car? is the earth huge for humans, or a spec of dust in the solar system?

Comparing yourself to others is comparing yourself to the vast range of human abilities. Within that range, there is so many different types of people, with skills and abilities that in comparison to any one of them is disingenuous to any solid metric. People live different lives and often times what they can do is based off of a life that is far different than your own.

I find the only person I can reliably compare myself to is who I was yesterday.

 

[SusanLR]

It never bothered me not having close friends.
Close family always made me happy and was enough to have fun with and I never felt I had to
mask with them.
They knew me and accepted me for what I am and it was good.
Love and trust.
I just can't feel this way with others. How those others find happiness in relationships, (and with a fifty
percent divorce rate I doubt most of them do), and their want to climb the corporate ladders, come home
to a house full of screaming kids that they obviously can't stand and start trying to put them in some
kiddie care or day school ASAP then they can't wait for them to want to leave home...
well, maybe not all parents are like that.
I just never could understand it.

As far as money, yeah it would be nice to get things you want.
But, if you're not happy inside to start with the thrill is only temporary.
If you're content with yourself, then it's icing on the cake.
It would be good to have enough though that you don't have to worry how you are going to live
when you get old or sick. Enough for a decent place and food to eat.
If you have that, there is fun and happiness in peaceful nature and a small group of people who
enjoy some common interests.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I am not talking about fake celebrity I am talking about good friendly Church going people. Too me there socializing is so easy but for me talking to someone new is like going up a hill with a bolder on my back. Talking to new woman around my age add about three boulders to my back. Impossible.

 

[christopher.k]

Well since misery already said everything I was going to say...as usual
I will focus on the bother you are feeling over your difficulty over holding conversations
I would recommend trying to impose displine on your sleeping since the quality of said sleeping directly affects your mind and energy levels
Also if you use a lot of the internet try spending periods of time without and see if it affects your mental energy
Because noticing these things is largely what's allowed me to deal with the things that used to make me hate my self.

 

[Au Naturel]

I do this all the time which makes me depressed. I did it when I was younger and did not know I had Asperger's ASD comparing myself to my cousins.

Learning not to compare yourself is a tough lesson. Comparison leads to lots of pain but usually no measurable gain.

Imagine going about your life and constantly comparing yourself with people who are taller than you. And getting bitter and depressed because you're are 5'7" and not 6'1". There is no benefit to it at all. Yet you persist!

Unless you are trying to win a medal, do not compare yourself to others. Even comparing yourself to yourself is often a bad idea. You will end up either arrogant or bitter. Life isn't a race and there are no medals that matter. We all and up dead, regardless. There are people who would reinforce the opposite lesson because it makes them feel better.

So enjoy what you have. Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. The only comparison that has any value is one that you can do something constructive about. Learn to love being alone. It is the only time you have any freedom. Do a thing for its inherent pleasure, not for third party praise. Seek out a therapist if you can afford one or go online if you cannot. (BetterHelp or Talkspace) Look for one who understands Radical Acceptance. You may need additional support through antidepressants to climb out of the hole you are in.

The winner in life is the person who has figured out who they are, is doing something fulfilling and is happy with what they've got. Doing the best you can with what you've got is all anyone can ever do.

 

[Kirsty]

Exactly.

Thing is, alot of what we see going on in typical day to day life is.... fake. That's a big thing in this society. Being fake.

Someone looks like they're having a great time at a party? The fact that they LOOK like they are, doesnt mean they arent loathing it. Someone looks like they have a giant pile of friends? Get them to tell you their REAL opinion of those "friends" and you might find that the reality is different. Provided they even know them all that well. This can even apply to marriage. The classic example of the happily married couple that aint actually so happy is pretty common. Of course, thing is, they wont let OTHERS know about that.... because it might make them less popular.

And that's often what it's all ACTUALLY about. Feeling like you're high up on that pedestal. For whatever reason, people are wired that way. Alot of people will do all sorts of deeply stupid things to improve their "status".... even if nobody ACTUALLY cares. This is also a huge part of why bullying happens. By attacking those that are not a part of their stupid tribe, the bully shows how much they are a part of that tribe. It's a really crude and frankly braindead way of saying "Yeah you guys, I really am one of the big strong popular dudes, look how I stomp that guy who ISNT any of those things, so that proves it". That's why bullies often make their attacks so public, particularly at schools.

As I often say, finding REAL friends, those that are not fake, is not so easy. You see people randomly gluing themselves to others at parties or whatever, and it looks so easy to you.... that aint how real friendship works, whether you're on or off the spectrum. True friends arent common. It takes a long time to build up a real friendship like that and it sure aint something that happens in a big sparkly way just so others can see it better. That's not why real friendship forms. And I dunno about you... but I'd rather have one ACTUAL friend than 500 fake ones and a bunch of completely pointless status upgrades that dont actually do anything.

Honestly every time I talk about this, I always feel like I dodged a cannonball barrage in terms of the whole "being on the spectrum" thing. Glad I'm not NT. Not having to engage in that fakery or that status war crap.... definitely glad for that. Sure saves me alot of time.


Anyway, my point is: Dont be fooled by all the flashy, glittery explosions of !!FUN!! that seem to be going on around you. They're often as flashy as possible because that flash is often all they really are. If you ever wondered why Facebook blew up the way it did, THAT is why: Because it makes it easier to wave that flash in the face of those around you. For that precious "status" and attention.

Couldn’t have said it better myself! I seen two of my colleagues covered with makeup before they head out tonight to drink. Yeah. That’s all they ever do most weekends. And buy fags. I thought omg what do they look like! But I didn’t say anything, of course. When one of them asked if the other who was working if she was going out tonight with them (she said no, as work put her in a mood) automatically they said she was ‘boring’. I mean, c’mon. You’re not boring if you don’t want to follow the crowd. I’m happy to be warm at home tonight as there’s heavy rain and look forward to solitary activities tomorrow on my day off.

Aye, pretty much true.

Are you from Scotland?

 

[Thinx]

I think this may be a stage you are going through, Tony, because you probably go to church to worship, but then you can see it is a social place too. You see how others find this social interaction easier than you do, and that is typical of what any autistic person sees at work or in any social place.

You and other people with Autism who may be there, have a different brain, that does not easily adapt to social settings. So you sit feeling isolated and puzzled and frustrated. I have done the same, many times, in social situations. I think often the best we can hope for, and actually what we really enjoy, is to make a good friend or 2 at these social places, whose company we can then enjoy at other times, in quieter, more comfortable environments.

I enjoy watching others at social events, and also whatever the event is about, those are my reasons for being there. We are much more likely to enjoy time alone, pursuing activities or interests, or in small, like minded groups, or doing things we enjoy with one friend. These are the times we are likely to come across potential friends or partners.

 

[Adora]

I sometimes compare myself to those who may not be on the spectrum or have any type of trauma or mental health problems and wish I had it together like they do or be able to just be confident and social with ease. But at the end of the day comparing yourself is not good for your mind because you just end up focusing on negatives and neglecting the positives that you cannot see within yourself and they are what we should focus on.

 

[Rocco]

This may be a bit cliché but here goes.
Do not compare your “behind the scenes to someone else’s stage show”

A quick break down of this concept is:
What you see when observing others is their stage show. All of life is a performance for most folks or preparing for the day or event, planning actions and activities.
We don’t see their inner struggle just their performance.
That said I can definitely relate to the feelings of lower self worth when compared to my peers, even knowing the stage show concept. The trick is not allowing negative thoughts to dominate your mind and foil your stage show. Best wishes,
Rocco

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I think this may be a stage you are going through, Tony, because you probably go to church to worship, but then you can see it is a social place too. You see how others find this social interaction easier than you do, and that is typical of what any autistic person sees at work or in any social place.

You and other people with Autism who may be there, have a different brain, that does not easily adapt to social settings. So you sit feeling isolated and puzzled and frustrated. I have done the same, many times, in social situations. I think often the best we can hope for, and actually what we really enjoy, is to make a good friend or 2 at these social places, whose company we can then enjoy at other times, in quieter, more comfortable environments.

I enjoy watching others at social events, and also whatever the event is about, those are my reasons for being there. We are much more likely to enjoy time alone, pursuing activities or interests, or in small, like minded groups, or doing things we enjoy with one friend. These are the times we are likely to come across potential friends or partners.

I walked to Church listening Drone Zone from SomaFM even in the building while some people said hi too me then Mana from life group came and talked too me I and had an conversation that lasted more then a minute. I maintain eye contact and said too her why have you not been to life group which then she talked about her busy job and what she does. I then talked about my Grandmother being 92 and believe it her Grandmother is the same age. Talked about how my Grandmother has trouble seeing and hearing. The conversation lasted about 5 minutes which is a record especially with a girl. I then remembered I had Drone Zone still streaming so I stopped it to prevent unnecessary battery drain. Then Justin and his wife came in and we talked a bit.

Then I sat with my friend Justin and his wife Christina and Ryan from life group with Mana and Stephanie in the back it was a better experience. During the morning greetings I just said hi to someone I know from Friday night prayer. Yes during the social crowd before and during the greetings I was just like a sea of crowded noise at the same volume but I am fighting through coping with it.

They also greeted me goodbye saying there was no life group Wednesday but to come to the event where a couple pastors were going too speak and that they wanted me there.

Walking home I was in a better mood so I did not want to listen to Drone Zone so I put on some smooth jazz walking home.

Anyway sorry about going on and on but we Aspies do that especially when we have a good day.

 

[Au Naturel]

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Desiderata

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Past couple weeks going to social gatherings at Church events I found people who's lives I thought were perfect were messed up and have issues.