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Communication problems...

Discussion in 'Love, Relationships and Dating' started by Geirlaug, Jun 18, 2018.

  1. Geirlaug

    Geirlaug Active Member

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    Hi! I have been together with my boyfriend for 1.5 year, except for 2 months last summer when he said he didn't want to hurt me anymore and broke up. Before he broke up he told me he still had feelings for me though. 2 months after he obviously felt better and contacted me. He also had some silent weeks after a surgery. Now I am starting to sense that he is up to something similar. This time I am a little more prepared, BUT I am still anxious.

    We have a long distance relationship and in a way I think THAT is what has helped him. He has never had a relationship before. I am his real first girlfriend. I think I am probably more mature than his former girlfriend.

    I have taught autistic children over the years and I almost immediately detected things that might put him on the AS spectrum. I am learning more and more things about him and I also read alot. If I didn't do that he would drive me nuts and very anxious. He has not been diagnosed. When I asked him if he had an AS personality he didn't know what it was.

    I think he is wonderful and I tell him that often. I try to ask him direct questions to avoid confusion, and that helped the other day. I just want to understand so we can have a good relationship. And I believe most people can be diagnosed with something. Right now he sends me appr. 1-2 chat sentences a day, like Good morning darling.

    What should I do? I miss him alot. If I'm lucky I will see him in maybe 3 weeks. I honestly think I am a great match for him, because he has told me girls always get angry with him and break up. I hope he understands what an effort I make. Please give me advice.
     
  2. Bolletje

    Bolletje Overly complicated potato V.I.P Member

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    What confuses me is that you say he’s never had a relationship before, then continue to mention how you’re more mature than his previous girlfriend. How does that work?
     
  3. Geirlaug

    Geirlaug Active Member

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    Well he had dated for a couple of weeks. I should have put date. He referred to it as girlfriend though.
     
  4. Tom

    Tom Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    If you have been a good partner on your side and the other is drifting away, I don't think there is much one can do. If you do get real time together then see how that goes. Have you met face to face before?
     
  5. Geirlaug

    Geirlaug Active Member

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    Of course. We travel back and forth almost every month.
     
  6. Michael Elliott

    Michael Elliott New Member

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    When I was in my 30 and early 40s, I knew I was different from others in some way. But i refused to see any therapist/psychologist because at that stage I really did not know how to communicate those emotional, mental health issues (I was diagnosed later in life). It took me years of my wife and others challenging my sometimes destructive ways (eg anxiety, depression, control, social interaction, etc) until I became much more self aware. It was through this self awareness that I was able to finally reach out on my own for professional support. But even then I was not ready for any psychological testing (I think my path of discovery, like many, was influenced by my struggles/traumas in my childhood and even adolescence)
    So with this background, my suggestion is this, if you want to continue trying to grow closer to, and more intimate with this person (to the degree that is humanly possible for him): point him to different articles, websites, videos, etc. that highlight certain Aspie traits that you recognize and simply ask him what he thinks (you may just get a few words or no response). Do this in small steps, with little bits of information. But know that over time, with various points of data he receives, your friend will be processing in his own way, and in his own time. Also realize that you could be taking on a long term project, not to mention perhaps taking on a nurturing, motherly or roomate related role with him (particularly since you are more mature, and some Aspies need that type of companionship but will lack in being able to meet their partners emotional and even other needs) without fully realizing it. Just important to keep these things in mind as you move forward.
     
  7. Geirlaug

    Geirlaug Active Member

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  8. Geirlaug

    Geirlaug Active Member

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    I want to stay by his side so I don't mind if it takes time. He has personality traits that I both appreciate and admire alot. He has told me several times he has commitment problems but wants to be in a relationship, and somehow he has still stayed with me.

    Thank you for the advice. I have already mentioned different personality types, and I will continue doing it in small doses. I want to help him as well, because I do sense that he struggles with some things. Do AS personalities "learn and copy" how to act in social situations?

    I think I already know him better than many of his friends and well, I want to be his friend for life as well. I'm just afraid sometimes that I will destroy everything with my personality type I guess. This has made me think about my own personality as well, and what I need to work on, like being a better listener for example.
     
  9. cberg

    cberg probably elsewhere

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    I'm trying to do more or less the same thing from the opposite neurological side & it takes a lot of inner work for anybody. It's more important to focus on each other as you were saying, rather than trying to apply normal social terms to anything like this.
     
  10. Observant

    Observant Active Member

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    I recommend approaching this without the intention of pursuing a romantic relationship with him. It seems like he broke the relationship off because there wasn't a mechanism in place that allowed another person in to process and overcome a problem jointly, which requires trust, and as the title of your post points out: communication.

    He needs to build the tools to handle stress in a way where he doesn't push away loved ones (I sometimes struggle with this, but I am aware of the damage this would cause and I work against the urge to isolate). If you can guide him by asking if he wants to learn how to handle stress and providing useful literature I think that would be highly constructive. I would not recommend being directly involved, as this is something he needs to do for himself, but you could cheer for him on the sidelines.

    For now, I think romance would do more harm than good.
     
    Last edited: Jun 26, 2018
    • Agree Agree x 2
  11. The Silly Farmer

    The Silly Farmer Member

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    It's nice to know there are people out there who can appreciate an aspie :) and not just look down on us with their superiority complex as if they are somehow perfect themselves.
    Difficult position to be in really as he is obviously not after as much of an intense relationship as what you are looking for. I mean we all like our own alone time every now and then, some more than others obviously. On the plus side if he is regularly texting then he must enjoy your company. Perhaps chatting on the phone say once a week would help. Not quite the same as talking face to face but always nice to to hear their voice all the same.
    Not sure there is much you can do really other than be patient and hope he want to see more of you in the future. Good luck and hope it all works out for you in the end
     
  12. Geirlaug

    Geirlaug Active Member

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    We chat instead of talk. He suffers from different phobias. Phone phobia is one of them. This is a tricky one. I know...