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Patience

Active Member
My boyfriend got back together this summer after a 2 month break. Things have been much calmer and improved.
A few days ago he had a meltdown, hitting himself, because I disagreed with him. and he said he just needed to be alone and this is why his family told him he shouldn't get married.
I had been thinking we're nearing engagement discussions. How do I proceed?
 
I am an aspie married for over 20 years. I did not know what I was until 9 years ago. I would not have married, had I understood as I do now. It's been a crap deal for my wife and kids. As much as I want to, there isn't much I can do about this that doesn't stress and destroy me. Pretending to be who she wants kills me. Being myself and keeping my stress level manageable, so I can work and function, doesn't work for her.

He will probably not be able to change much at all, though he might sincerely want to. You'd better really think about this.

Love is easy. Relationships very costly and difficult. Only children or idiots confuse the two. Only gods can combine them.
 
My late husband was similar in his feelings towards marriage. Honestly, I don't think he could've been married to anyone but me, because I understood what he needed most of the time. Even at that, things were difficult after the first couple of years ... once the new wore off the relationship and more responsibilities accumulated. He was stressed just about 24/7. It was all he could do to maintain himself to hold on to his job. I didn't push him to do very much. He preferred to be alone most of the time, and I was okay with that. He wanted his own bedroom and did not want to sleep with me. That was okay with me too. Most women would probably not go for that. He didn't want kids, and I didn't either. Again, most women would probably want a family. We even toyed with the idea of buying a duplex and each of us occupying separate units. We would've done it, too, if we'd saved up the money before he passed away.

If your guy is already having trouble dealing with the relationship, I would think long and hard about whether you want to take him on for a lifetime. For me, my husband was the only person I could ever think of marrying, so I did.
 
Thank you all. I've never dealt with this and your perspectives help. Usually I'm very happy with him. But he does derail in meltdowns sometimes.
 
Patience said:
Thank you all. I've never dealt with this and your perspectives help. Usually I'm very happy with him. But he does derail in meltdowns sometimes.
Click to expand...

I agree. I don't date or anything like that but I would agree with the others. Think long and hard about if this guy is someone you would be okay spending the rest of your life with. I would like to ask, maybe i'm too curious, but what's going on with the meltdowns? I'm more prone to shutdowns myself but i've had my share of meltdowns too. They're impossible to control in the moment but i can tell if i'm getting close to one.

Like i said i'm prone to shutdowns not meltdowns but things like a lack of sleep and lots of stress will send me into one sometimes. It usually results in me throwing harmless **** across the house, yelling, and i'll end up feeling self-injurious in an attempt to stop it. I don't like it as much as anyone else does. Its a total loss of control.
 
If his meltdowns are manageable, er in the sense you both now how to let them play out or soften them without making them worse, and he's not violent or destructive in the extreme, what could it hurt?
 
Hi Patience.

edit: Ashe responded while I was writing my long-winded reply. The concise version of mine is: "What Ashe said!"

I've been married for 14 years, and I still melt down when things get too stressful or with certain triggers. My worst trigger is money and financial matters, even though I have a good job and my wife has an excellent job. I have to say that she is pretty much a rock star for putting up with it, but she is unsympathetic when it happens, and usually just leaves me alone until I work it out for myself. She doesn't tolerate any shouting or name-calling, and always calls me on any such foolishness. This usually makes me really upset in the heat of the tantrum, but I think it may also be how I manage to overcome it and eventually wind down. Years ago she also told me to get help or our relationship might not be possible. I got help, and continue to work on my emotional and sensory issues, and the relationship is basically my lifeline to a sort-of-normal life, so I work hard on it. We try never to go to bed mad with each other, and this agreement/commitment helps a lot too. I sometimes have to leave the house if I feel a freakout coming on, and I have forbidden myself from freaking out in front of our daughter. But I have not been able to eliminate the tantrums completely. I melt down about every six or eight weeks, usually on my days off and/or toward the end of the month when cash runs low. I hate it, but can't prevent it.

However, my first marriage was a total interpersonal disaster. I'm a verbal processor, and my first wife is/was the silent type. That did NOT work at all.

Age and life experience probably have something to do with it. If he is willing and able to work on himself, learn strategies to manage or limit his meltdowns, listen to you and take your feelings, suggestions, and love for him seriously, your relationship stands a better chance of working. It's not an easy row to hoe, but if the relationship is worth it, it's possible to make it work. He may need treatment and help with his self-harm impulses (I did and do), and if he ever threatens you or harms you, you will need to leave immediately. Domestic violence or the threat of it is ALWAYS unacceptable.

I wish you both the very, very best. Take care of yourself first. Make the decision that suits you first. Be honest and communicate often.
 
Thank you Oddman. He admits this is a problem for him but says it'll probably keep happening. He melts down when I least expect it. Things are fine and then an annoyance, even at someone else, or literally spilled milk will send him raging. Other times he's the paragon of patience.
 
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