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Comforting others

Christian T

Christian T

Well-Known Member
Does anyone else out there struggle to comfort someone you know when they're distressed. I'm absolutely hopeless at it. I just freeze up inside, having no idea whatsoever how to deal with this tempestuous person, or what to say that doesn't just sound stupid and naive. This is quite a problem for me.
 
I am actually quite the reverse as it turns out, I seem to function best when I have to look out for someone else, I hate being looked after/ out for, but positively thrive if it is me in that role.
Maybe I am trying to kick-start that whole do unto others things huh?
 
I think it depends on the person if I can help them in some way.

I found that I can talk some sense to pretty much all of my aspie friends. A few times a week I go out for a walk with one of them and I talk to him a lot about certain things... he's seeing a counselor of sorts, but still some stuff he'll discuss with me as well and I'll see if I can give him my opinion on it. It's never really that bad where he's crying and angry and all though.

With another friend though; I once had a 16 hour talk to talk him out of suicide. In the end he didn't... but it took 16 hours...

I can rationalize other peoples problems quite easily. It's not affecting me personally, that's probably why. That same friend who wanted to kill himself also once said "I don't understand how you can be that rational, assess a situation, take it apart like a puzzle, give me small chunks that are easy to solve and make it come together like a bigger part"... I don't know.. I think it's what a lot of aspies have where we focus on details instead of the bigger part.

I'm in no way a social worker... I tried college for that once, I failed horribly. Granted I excelled in the psychology and sociology parts of it, but practice was a disaster.

I also feel that I can look at problems like objects instead of personal "items". Just my own issues, those might be a problem in the sense that I get emotionally involved, have to go places and eventually phone places, all things which I'm horrible at and try to avoid.
 
I'm terrible at comforting people. When my daughter is crying and upset it's my husband hugging her and soothing her wheras I'm the one standing there giving her logical reasons why she does not need to be upset (there are no such things as monsters, it was just a nightmare it's not real, person x said y because of z but they are only saying it because of....etc).

At my grandmother's funeral my mother was crying her eyes out, I didn't cry at all and my dad kept telling me to go and comfort her and that was so awkward I had to lie and say I was only just keeping it together rather then I didn't want to or feel the need to etc.

I think it's probably because of how I deal with emotions myself, when I'm upset I don't need hugs or soothing words to help me if anything it irritates me, I just need to ride it out on my own and calm down.
 
Gomendosi, I actually feel like trading places with you, just for a moment, to feel what that's like. I much prefer getting that comforting attention. Actually, "comfort" is one of the first words I remember knowing. When I was little, whenever I was upset I'd just whack my parents on the bum and run to my room, and a few minutes after this outburst they'd come in and comfort me. I quickly became conditioned to this, to the point where one time I couldn't be bothered explaining why I was mildly upset about something, and just hit them and ran to my room. However, they took a long time to come, and so I called out "I want comfort!" - it's such a vivid memory
 
King_Oni said:
With another friend though; I once had a 16 hour talk to talk him out of suicide. In the end he didn't... but it took 16 hours...
Click to expand...

I have a new respect for you after hearing that. I would never be able to make someone like that see sense, because there's not much sense in my brain that I could pull out to show them!

King_Oni said:
I think it's what a lot of aspies have where we focus on details instead of the bigger part.
Click to expand...

That's certainly what I do. Whenever I'm reading or watching something, I always see it as a collection of tiny parts rather than a clearly defined whole. I don't think this is necessarily a bad thing though, it saves us from oversimplification.
 
Sorry to hear about your difficulty with your daughter, I hope you don't feel too inadequate.

I can also relate to the lack of grieving, at least the outward kind. The thought of my grandparents' passing honestly doesn't conjure many emotions inside me, even though the death of my currently hospitalised grandfather is really very imminent.

Honestly, I don't really see the point of things like "it's alright" and "you'll be okay" because they're really empty words that are insignificant. I think hugs are helpful though, because they're quite primal, but most of my attempts at embracing someone end up being very awkward.
 
Christian T said:
Gomendosi, I actually feel like trading places with you, just for a moment, to feel what that's like.
Click to expand...

As others mention here it is all about perspective, for me when the problem is someone else’s I am fully able to comprehend the situation and its workings, what led up to it and what paths play out from it, I can determine the best course of action and pick the easiest way to go about giving an idea of what I think is the best thing to do under the circumstances.
Then of course it is entirely up to the individual wether or not they utilise the information I have provided.

Sometimes they may just want a hug and to solve the problem themselves. Sometimes they may just want someone to listen to them, sometimes it's all about getting drunk with a person or planning revenges that never eventuate or even simply brushing and plaiting their hair (yes I have, don’t ask)
There are squillions of different ways to comfort someone, including being seemingly cold and/ or indifferent and also being harsh or an "arsehole" can be seen as comforting, you never know what the order of the day is, but if you care about the person... 99 percent of the time, just being there is comfort enough, and they will find a way to use what you offer to get back to where they need to be, even if that means sending you away.

But there in lies the rub, you see, I provide a proverbial shoulder to cry on for a lot of people but they often turn their back on me when I cant deal with my own situation and therefore turn them away when they try to help (if they do), people generally don’t like to see someone hurt and not be able to help, if that happens too often they end up thinking you like being miserable.

In my current frame of mind I would quite happily accept a hug from a convicted felon if I thought I wouldn't be taken hostage ; ]
 
@Gomendosi, thanks for the good advice, it does make me feel more confident about comforting people now.

Although I'm not sure how that links to the quote. I meant that I would be curious to experience my strength and weakness being reversed.

I hope some of these people you've comforted eventually return the favour.
 
Awww Gomendosi need big Aspie Hug? Here have a hug. I am actually the same in some respects. I tend to be great at helping other people obviously I got my degree in social work and psychology but It only really works on others. I tend to have the problem of not having people to cry on because of the freaks out being the way they are.
 
Yeah, I generally have trouble comforting or sympathizing in words, but I can usually just give them a hug or stroke their hair (especially if it's a little kid) and that usually works. The thing I dislike is I have trouble expressing those same feelings, but when I do people usually comfort or sympathize in words - when what I really want is just physical silent comfort, but I have no way to communicate that without seeming even weirder. "Hey, could you, uh, just not talk and hug me? Thanks."
 
I am horrible at comforting others. I have an objective view of most things and therefore am not one for empathy. When I do have empathy, for my boyfriend, I can't comfort with words - I can hug him, and that's it.
 
Selcouth said:
Yeah, I generally have trouble comforting or sympathizing in words, but I can usually just give them a hug or stroke their hair (especially if it's a little kid) and that usually works. The thing I dislike is I have trouble expressing those same feelings, but when I do people usually comfort or sympathize in words - when what I really want is just physical silent comfort, but I have no way to communicate that without seeming even weirder. "Hey, could you, uh, just not talk and hug me? Thanks."
Click to expand...

Yes, I agree that it is difficult when you can't put it into words. Comforting, and other emotional interactions, are based on impulse and intuition, so I think that's why aspies find them challenging. It's much easier if it's something that you can openly discuss, without any ambiguity.
 
I may have to disagree with you there, I give comfort to others in myriad ways and yet I have no, or no discernable, empathy or understanding of their feelings, I just know that if they are not acting the same way as me I have to work out why and act, "act" accordingly. You can be a comfort to somebody by simply being there at the right time.
People take great comfort from words and gestures and overtures and acts of kindness, most of these things are attempts at understanding and trying to empathize, or as is my understanding. Do you see where I am coming form on this ; ]
 
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