Challenging weekend coming

[DogwoodTree]

One of my sisters is coming into town this weekend, along with her hubby (who is just plain mean) and 3 of her kids. My kids always want to spend time with their cousins, and the general expectation is to all get together anyway (the rest of us all live in this area).

So I'm trying to get my head in the right place before the weekend starts. Here are my goals:

• Maintain an awareness and ownership of my own freedom at all times. I don't have to conform to their expectations.
• Extend an offering of freedom to everyone around me. They don't have to conform to my expectations, either.

I'm not sure I can handle keeping anything else at the forefront of my thoughts, as I usually get pretty stressed around them. They don't know my dx, just that I've withdrawn a lot over the past year (in an effort to free myself from the codependent patterns). But...any other suggestions of any points I should keep handy for when I get stressed? My goal is to keep myself out of trouble, lol!

 

[Spiller]

I have difficulties when my family visit. They don't understand my condition or it's attendant difficulties and just expect me to act 'normal'. Lots of embarrassment/discomfort/weirdness, because people will be difficult no matter how easy-going I am.
My strategy is to escape for a few minutes on any pretext; a cigarette (stopped smoking now tho), toilet, making drinks.. anything. Also relaxants; valium (not too much cos ya still gotta function), a bottle of wine (slowly.. never drink 'n' drive tho), cannabis tincture (see this thread www.aspiescentral.com/threads/aspergers-and-marijuana.3408/).
It's a shame the normal world forces me to be drugged-up to function, but failing help from any other quarter, this works for me.
All else I can offer is sympathy and.. good luck!

 

[Sass]

I had a wknd much like this a few months ago when I went back to my home country to visit. Your goals are realistic and fair, and I wish I'd had the foresight to think of something similar that I could hark back to when I was feeling cornered

I'm going to have a difficult wknd this wknd, as my hubby is heading back to New Zealand for his wknd home to see his family, and I'm a big scaredy cat when I'm on my own, even when my kids are here. Once they go to bed I hear every little sound, and have too much time on my hands to worry. I might use some goals to help me through

 

[Ereth]

But...any other suggestions of any points I should keep handy for when I get stressed?

I'm going to assume your brother-in-law is the family member with whom you actually have trouble. If that's the case, be as polite and welcoming as possible, and hold him at a distance if it's necessary to avoid emotional upset.

 

[May Black]

I wish I could send you some of my sass over the internet. No one has the right to be mean to another person, and if they try they should be put in place. Sadly, I have no advice for you, as we deal with stress completely different I'm afraid.
I wish you the best of luck and hope things go as smooth as possible.

 

[DogwoodTree]

Actually, my BIL...we both keep distance from each other. He doesn't like me any more than I like him. He picks arguments on purpose, talks so derrogatively about women that it makes me angry, and treats certain people with kit gloves as if they can never do anything wrong. I haven't figured him out yet, and it's just easier to not talk to him at all.

The real problem is my mom (gets offended at everything I say or don't say), my sisters (talk down to me like I'm some kind of retarded child, even though my IQ is comparable to theirs and I just don't like being "girly" with them), and my dad if he comes (he's so emotionally codependent and socially dysfunctional that's it's impossible to relax with him).

So really, I guess the problem is me...that I get too tied up in wanting people to feel good about me, and they're just not easy people for me to please.

 

[Spiller]

So really, I guess the problem is me...that I get too tied up in wanting people to feel good about me, and they're just not easy people for me to please.

I think the oldest human need is the need for acceptance amongst our peers and as most of us have fought desperately (and failed miserably) for acceptance all our lives I guess we tend to try to our own real detriment? I know I do; it's the cause of my social anxiety and thence depression.
I have a friend (yes indeed, just the one) who is NT and I'm trying to take on board his concept that what others think of you is their problem and nothing at all to do with you. The trick is that, being NT, his life experience has made him confident that he has control of his own life and has the power to get what he wants, whereas I feel I have no confidence, control or power.
I need to not mind what others think, even to the extent of walking away without fear of offending.. after all, they're not concerned about offending me, right?

 

[May Black]

Actually, my BIL...we both keep distance from each other. He doesn't like me any more than I like him. He picks arguments on purpose, talks so derrogatively about women that it makes me angry, and treats certain people with kit gloves as if they can never do anything wrong. I haven't figured him out yet, and it's just easier to not talk to him at all.

Are you sure he's not trying to make terrible jokes? Some people think that kind of stuff is funny.

 

[Judge]

It sounds like whatever is eating the BIl may be isolated in one area. To avoid/ignore such issues may leave you in a better place until he's gone. So don't pull his "triggers" for him.

 

[DogwoodTree]

I need to not mind what others think, even to the extent of walking away without fear of offending.. after all, they're not concerned about offending me, right?

Yes, that's true...in a way, I guess. Maybe they try not to be hurtful to me, but what I value/don't value is so different than what they value/don't value, that even when both sides are trying, it's like we can't find a middle ground.

The way my family works...there are 3 kinds of people: victims, rescuers, and bad guys (though there's not necessarily a consensus on who is who). If someone sees you as a victim, they talk down to you. If someone sees you as a rescuer, they bring all their problems to you and whine and complain. If someone sees you as a bad guy, all the negative energy in the room is directed at you, and nothing you do is right...everything you say, someone finds a way to be offended by it.

Up until the past couple of years, I was nearly always a rescuer. I enabled people in their problems by letting them dump on me and then trying to solve their problems for them. Lately, I've been a bad guy, and have no clue how I ended up in that spot because I was still doing the same things I always did. In fact, in some ways I was doing them even better (long story).

So last year, I gave up on being the rescuer, and just tried to settle into the bad guy role, I guess. That doesn't mean I'm trying to hurt people. But I'm trying to find that place of freedom where it just doesn't matter whether people approve of me or not. I don't see myself as a bad guy, but I try not to panic or self-destruct when I get blamed for things I had no control over (I could tell you story after story after story, just in the past 2 years). Problem is, it's really hard to be around family who NEVER approve of me and constantly hold me to standards that keep changing (even though they don't realize it) and are impossible to meet anyway.

Unfortunately, my youngest sister also now sees me as a victim (even though I loathe that role). That's another long story that I don't care to tell here, but it has to do with her knowing some details about the way I was treated as a child, that I had to tell her due to extenuating circumstances, and now she's being extremely patronizing with me. She has a very strong identification with the victim role in our family, but once she finds someone she can "baby", she jumps head-first into the rescuer role to try to justify her sense of her value in life. I actually think this may be worse than when she was treating me like the bad guy, although at least now she's getting more of her work done (we work together, so that benefits me, too...no more staying up half the night to do her work on top of mine).

 

[Ereth]

So really, I guess the problem is me...that I get too tied up in wanting people to feel good about me, and they're just not easy people for me to please.

That's crap. You are not the problem. You just want to be treated with respect and kindness, which is an entirely reasonable thing to want from family members.

 

[DogwoodTree]

Are you sure he's not trying to make terrible jokes? Some people think that kind of stuff is funny.

No, it's common knowledge in the family that he says mean things simply to get arguments going because it amuses him. Even his wife and the one of my sisters that he favors say the same thing about him. But they're some of the "favored" ones with him, so they're never the butt of his meanest comments (well, except his wife is sometimes, but she usually bites back, lol).

It sounds like whatever is eating the BIl may be isolated in one area. To avoid/ignore such issues may leave you in a better place until he's gone. So don't pull his "triggers" for him.

I pretty much do ignore him when he's around. He goes off and plays video games with the kids sometimes, or finds excuses to run errands, or just goes and hides in a back bedroom and drinks. The problem is that he makes those comments about women around my kids sometimes, and I REALLY do NOT want those ideas planted in their minds!! So I feel like I need to stay close to the kids, especially when he's there, and for the most part they adore him, so it happens quite a bit. So I have to sit and pretend not to be hurt by the things he says that are obviously intended to poke at me and get me going. And then everyone says I'm rude because I won't talk to him, or because I'm always looking for an excuse to not be around him (they don't get the link between why I spend any time around him at all, in protecting my kids' minds over things he might say).

 

[Ereth]

The problem is that he makes those comments about women around my kids sometimes, and I REALLY do NOT want those ideas planted in their minds!! So I feel like I need to stay close to the kids, especially when he's there, and for the most part they adore him, so it happens quite a bit.

I can understand that. Perhaps what you can do is have a talk with your children in private either before or after he comes to visit so they learn that what he says about women is not okay.

I have another idea too, but it's a bit risky, given how you've got no one directly on your side (do you have a spouse to back you up?). If you're brave enough, you can confront BIL directly (I'll call him "John") and say, "John, I would appreciate it if you did not say those things around my children."

 

[DogwoodTree]

That's crap. You are not the problem. You just want to be treated with respect and kindness, which is an entirely reasonable thing to want from family members.

The thing is, everything they do or say is done "kindly"...sweetly, gently. There's rarely ever any yelling (sometimes I wish they would just yell and be overtly hurtful instead of this passive-aggressive mess where they can always claim "innocence").

But it's amazing how hurtful "kind" comments can be. But then if *I* get offended or hurt, I've got ridiculous standards. But if *they* get offended or hurt by ANYthing I say, even if I truly made an effort at lightening the mood and playing and teasing, it's always interpreted as offensive if at all possible...because I'm in the "bad guy" role right now, so nothing I say or do, or DON't say or do, can possibly be meant in love and affection.

I keep thinking maybe I'm just out of touch with reality. That majority rules, and if they're ALL saying I'm being offensive and hurtful, then maybe I am. So sometimes I'm able to get my heart right going into these things, and go in with the attitude that I really do want to relax and enjoy the time with them as much as possible. But then something I said in all innocence is again taken the wrong way, or if it's not, I feel like everything I say is being so critically analyzed, that I just can't relax.

So then my solution was to spend less time with them for a while and let things settle a bit, even out and become more neutral so we're not all so defensive with each other. Well that backfired, too--I constantly get guilt trips that we don't spend enough time together.

Really, this puzzle is just too big for me. I have no idea what the fix is. As my pastor says, I just need to focus on "doing my part". So...I look for where I'm responsible for what's going on, and just let them be whomever they're going to be.

Maybe that looks like "judging", because I have to recognize what part of the problem is theirs and not mine so I know where my responsibility ends and theirs begins. But it takes a monumental effort to stay in that place, especially when all of us are together for an extended time (like more than a few minutes...), and this weekend we're looking at being together all day Saturday, possible some of Sunday. (DH helped me get out of being there tomorrow night).

Weekends are supposed to be for rest and renewal, not this family drama crap.

 

[apsie]

Make an allie, even if only temporary. Thats what I do.
Its not really fair to them, because I sort of use them as a shield, but hey thats NT behaviour right there for you.

 

[DogwoodTree]

I can understand that. Perhaps what you can do is have a talk with your children in private either before or after he comes to visit so they learn that what he says about women is not okay.

I don't think they've picked up on it yet. He usually talks baby-talk to them (and to his kids, too...um, the oldest is 12 and he still talks like that to all of them!). I've started to give them pre-ideas, I guess, to help immunize them once they clue in to what he's saying. But he says it as an aside, to another adult, sometimes ABOUT the kids (one instance in particular was ABOUT one of my DDs who was only 7 at the time!), but they haven't seemed to catch it yet. I'm struggling with how much to alert them to the craziness and drama that goes on under the surface in our family. They're so innocent still!

I have another idea too, but it's a bit risky, given how you've got no one directly on your side (do you have a spouse to back you up?). If you're brave enough, you can confront BIL directly (I'll call him "John") and say, "John, I would appreciate it if you did not say those things around my children."

No one can stand up to him. His wife sort of does, in a passive-aggressive way, but you have to understand how "charismatic" he is. When you're around him, there's a spiritual influence coming from him that makes it nearly impossible to think clearly. It's uncanny...creepy. Others have confirmed to me they've experienced the same thing.

He says something when I'm around him, and I feel the pull to think he hung the moon. But I get away from him and think back to what he said, and I simply can't believe I ever agreed with him. Even more, I start to see so far beyond what he said and how wrong he is. But when I'm with him, I just can't think clearly enough to put those thoughts into a valid argument. It really is unnerving.

 

[Judge]

Weekends are supposed to be for rest and renewal, not this family drama crap.

True.

Therefore I'd use the upcoming experience as a "benchmark" of sorts. If things pan out poorly as you might anticipate, perhaps it's time to taper back contact with them...or at least your BIL. After all, I get the impression that the tension between the two of you is no secret to much of anyone else.

If this is a constant pattern of behavior, withdrawal may be your only real course of action. Unless of course you're willing to pay a continuing "cost" which may be accruing with each visit. Not a simple choice to make...but if he's negatively impacting your life at a critical point, you need to look out for you first.

 

[Ereth]

No one can stand up to him. His wife sort of does, in a passive-aggressive way, but you have to understand how "charismatic" he is. When you're around him, there's a spiritual influence coming from him that makes it nearly impossible to think clearly. It's uncanny...creepy. Others have confirmed to me they've experienced the same thing.

He says something when I'm around him, and I feel the pull to think he hung the moon. But I get away from him and think back to what he said, and I simply can't believe I ever agreed with him. Even more, I start to see so far beyond what he said and how wrong he is. But when I'm with him, I just can't think clearly enough to put those thoughts into a valid argument. It really is unnerving.

You can. Maybe you could write a letter before he arrives, when your thoughts are clear, and hand it to him.

 

[DogwoodTree]

Interestingly, any time he's around someone with a strong enough personality to not be sucked in by his arguments, he finds ways to charm them. They have a really good income, so he starts buying that person gifts, treating them with that "favor" treatment, and even if they've been warned, they start to think there's something special about them that he's nice to them while he's mean to so many others.

I haven't seen many people at all who saw through it all from the beginning and never got sucked in to begin with. And not many more who eventually saw through it and could hold their own around him. They're smarter than me...they just extricate him from their lives and never spend another moment with him, lol. Wish I could do that, but as the mom of only two sets of kids in the family, I have to let the cousins play together, so then I have to be involved.

 

[May Black]

No, it's common knowledge in the family that he says mean things simply to get arguments going because it amuses him. Even his wife and the one of my sisters that he favors say the same thing about him. But they're some of the "favored" ones with him, so they're never the butt of his meanest comments (well, except his wife is sometimes, but she usually bites back, lol).

What a miserable human being. At least you don't need to hang out with them too often.