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Burnout and breakup

Lorelei528

Member
Hi all. I am brand spanking new here.
My bf of 5+ years is non diagnosed and I have recently realized he is on the spectrum and is experiencing burnout. I realized the night of the day he sent his last message to me.
He has cut off all contact but has also said he will reach out (twice in one message)
I sent one email from an old email I had and he responded that he just wanted to be on his own.
I know not everyone is the same but any experience in a partner (or yourself) going back to the relationship after a burnout?
He originally said it was a step back and a break but it seems permanent to me by that one line email he sent.
Ive done A LOT of reading and it’s not looking good. Is there any chance at all even 4, 8 months down the road?

Thanks so much.
Lori
 
@Lorelei528

There isn't, and can't be, a simple answer to this.

You didn't provide enough information either, so it's not even possible to tell if you're fishing or asking.
(not saying you're fishing, but it definitely happens now and then)

Either way, the thing you have to figure out, and share honestly, is why did the "event" happen now.
(burnout isn't a well-defined term).
 

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@Lorelei528

There isn't, and can't be, a simple answer to this.

You didn't provide enough information either, so it's not even possible to tell if you're fishing or asking.
(not saying you're fishing, but it definitely happens now and then)

Either way, the thing you have to figure out, and share honestly, is why did the "event" happen now.
(burnout isn't a well-defined term).
It started due to financial stress when he realized he wouldn’t be able to come visit me again this year (we are long distance). Also will be taking a 10% pay cut in September).
That was the start of it and a week later I got this:
 

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TBH, we don't really know if he is on the spectrum.

But whether he is or not, I'd say if you do want to increase the chance getting back togeter you have to respect his wish for time and space. That's assuming he's being honest and isn't chasing some one else and keeping you on the line.
 
@Lorelei528

Sorry you're going through such a stressful experience. Whether he is on the spectrum or not, none of us can give you a good answer. We don't know what he is thinking.

"Burn out" is not a diagnosis, it's not well-defined, and it can mean different things to different people. Being burn out in one domain doesn't mean being tired in a different domain either.

As other said, give him some time and respect his distance. Hopefully he is being honest.

My other recommendation: re-consider too if he is the person who can make you happy. From my point of view, his behavior is not very respectful. Maybe you need to think about moving on.
 
TBH, we don't really know if he is on the spectrum.

But whether he is or not, I'd say if you do want to increase the chance getting back togeter you have to respect his wish for time and space. That's assuming he's being honest and isn't chasing some one else and keeping you on the line.
He was divorced about 20 years before I met him.
In those 20 years he had one one year relationship.
He’s not chasing someone else.
 
TBH, we don't really know if he is on the spectrum.

But whether he is or not, I'd say if you do want to increase the chance getting back togeter you have to respect his wish for time and space. That's assuming he's being honest and isn't chasing some one else and keeping you on the line.
Also I haven’t listed off all the symptoms that he is on the spectrum…I’ve also spoken to some mental health professionals who specialize in autism and without diagnosing obviously, they said it sounds like he is.
Also his niece was just diagnosed at age 34.
 
@Lorelei528

An NT can't diagnose an ND unless they've had professional training. It follows that you cannot describe an NT to a professional in a way that would allow a diagnosis.

That's not a problem as such, but you should just accept that we can't be sure either.

ASD is difficult to diagnose. It isn't like a broken arm, infection, or virus, where an objective diagnosis is possible and often quite accurate. Few HFA's have all the symptoms. There's no real "fingerprint" symptom we all display unambiguously. So there's a subjective element that can only be learned through experience.

Back to the question. You don't have to provide the full picture, but please don't leave important things out.
If you want me to tell you it's best to ditch one of us after a 5-year relationship, you have to the key events of the past, of the latest event, and the factors that influenced this relatively extreme (re)action.

If you can't (it's possible: e.g. privacy matters to both of you, and OFC some things can't be shared in a public forum), I can't help. But hopefully others can.
 
@Lorelei528

An NT can't diagnose an ND unless they've had professional training. It follows that you cannot describe an NT to a professional in a way that would allow a diagnosis.

That's not a problem as such, but you should just accept that we can't be sure either.

ASD is difficult to diagnose. It isn't like a broken arm, infection, or virus, where an objective diagnosis is possible and often quite accurate. Few HFA's have all the symptoms. There's no real "fingerprint" symptom we all display unambiguously. So there's a subjective element that can only be learned through experience.

Back to the question. You don't have to provide the full picture, but please don't leave important things out.
If you want me to tell you it's best to ditch one of us after a 5-year relationship, you have to the key events of the past, of the latest event, and the factors that influenced this relatively extreme (re)action.

If you can't (it's possible: e.g. privacy matters to both of you, and OFC some things can't be shared in a public forum), I can't help. But hopefully others can.
I would never ditch him. He broke up with me.
I wrote about it above. It started with extreme financial stress and anxiety.
 
I have recently realized he is on the spectrum and is experiencing burnout.
Did you come to either of these ideas through conversing with him about it? Or just reading up on it and talking about him with mental health professionals?
 
That was the start of it and a week later I got this:
I have been in this situation myself where I couldn't cope and needed space and time to recover.
As I said, meltdowns/burnouts are overpowering and beyond our control.
 
I have been in this situation myself where I couldn't cope and needed space and time to recover.
As I said, meltdowns/burnouts are overpowering and beyond our control.
I understand this but I’m curious did you go back to the relationship ever?
 

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