• Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

Breakthrough with my son, but where to now?

Thanks for this idea. It is actually something I have been pondering over the past couple of days... If I had only one child I would have chosen homeschooling automatically. One child is easy to devote one's full attention to. :)

From what I have seen the virtual schools have certain requirements such as being a minimum distance from a local school or other particular circumstances. The rules are vague and I'm struggling to take it all in. I don't know who to ask for help in figuring out the best course of action, other than a psych.

There seems to be only one online school in my state. :/

I'm meeting with his teacher after school today to talk about how he is doing in class and how we can differentiate a bit more, plus I'll ask about bringing activities for lunch times. If I can I'll try for a referral to the education department's psychologist, but I think seeing one that specialises in gifted education is probably a wiser idea. I also signed up for garden volunteering on campus as I feel I should give back to the school if I'm asking them to do extra for my son. :D
I caution you and anyone (although I know you are already cautious) as to asking 1 teacher's or psychologist's opinion on a gifted and challenging student who is your offspring & responsibility. I chose to homeschool my kiddo until 6th grade. Then when we moved to a more educated area he was enrolled in public school, in order to begin the real life socialization that (unfortunately) he will need to deal with one way or another. The school officials and teachers - at first - assumed that he was not very bright. A few months later, he was tested and scored in the 95th percentile in all three areas math, science and english.

I guess what I am saying is that the process of educating an unusual and gifted kid is a challenge and strain for the parent from the beginning to end of education. Many officials and teachers have weird viewpoints and negative attitudes toward students unless the students fit the teacher's view of "good kid."
 
I caution you and anyone (although I know you are already cautious) as to asking 1 teacher's or psychologist's opinion on a gifted and challenging student who is your offspring & responsibility.

You have a good point. One reason I want to see a psych who specialises in such kids is to get ideas for managing my own approach to his behaviour as well as help him, plus get ideas on how to approach teachers in the future whenever I have to advocate for him. I'm interested in finding out more about the overexcitabilities and whether my son's behaviour can be "explained" by simply being very bright or whether there is a learning or developmental disability involved, and/or ASD. But I am approaching this as a search for ideas, rather than looking for some definitive answers.

I guess what I am saying is that the process of educating an unusual and gifted kid is a challenge and strain for the parent from the beginning to end of education. Many officials and teachers have weird viewpoints and negative attitudes toward students unless the students fit the teacher's view of "good kid."

Definitely a challenge! I think I've underestimated how hard I've been finding it. And I've avoided talking to his teacher until now, which I've since learnt was a mistake...curse my people-avoidance!

I was pleasantly surprised when I went in to see his teacher. We talked for an hour, well beyond the appointed time, and she showed me that although she saw his old psych report she has also observed first hand that he is way ahead of the other kids in certain respects (mostly maths and vocab/reading). She has already been extending him and had arranged for a maths specialist to come in and work with him and a number of other kids from across the school as she wants to get a GT class/group going. And more. I was quite happy and relieved.
 
My seven year old son was given psychometric testing at age four because we had been told by many people that he was unusually bright. I was also concerned about some aspects of his behaviour. We had originally thought his development was pretty "normal" but I should've noticed sooner that none of the advice in parenting books reflected his behaviour, let alone worked on him. I had been concerned about his behaviour for a while because he seemed to be overly excitable, and socially/emotionally out of step, among other things.

A couple of months before the testing took place he went through a weeks-long depression. It was definitely depression, not just some fleeting sadness. Nightly he would cry before sleep that it was the end of the world, and at kindergarten every day he would wander from activity to activity not really engaging at all. He would want to play with the teachers, not the other kids. It was awful watching such a small child go through that isolation and despair.

The testing placed him in the top 2% of kids his age, and the psychologist said the behavioural issues were just part and parcel of being exceptionally bright. I wasn't quite satisfied but felt I had no choice but to take her at her word and tried to implement the discipline method she suggested: namely, telling him about rules/expectations once and then when a misdemeanour occurred to take away something important to him (such as time at the park, or reading time, etc.). That didn't work.

It was a couple of years later that I found Asperger's for myself, when desperate to understand why I am such a grumpy grouch, intolerant of my kids' noise, etc. After that had sunk in, I started thinking about my son in a new light... It made sense in a new way. Something in my gut, some instinct, has always told me something is going on with my son. I just don't know what it is... I can't work out what he is thinking and he has learnt to avoid opening up to us because he is continually getting in trouble over his behaviour...it's understandably hard to open up to your mum when she is such a grouch and is prone to exploding. I was the same with mine.

I've wanted to do more testing for a couple of years, but my husband has been putting it off as not important, despite the psychologist saying our son should be retested at seven years. I understand how important it is to follow up and see where he is at as he grows, so we can adapt with him...but I've been talking to a brick wall. :rolleyes: I guess it is hard to understand when I struggle to explain it in words... It's not very convincing when I say my gut tells me he needs help.

I've noticed long term problems with our son's executive functioning, although my husband has explained it away as typical boy behaviour. Our son struggles to get to school on time because he is always getting distracted and can't understand that he needs to get ready before he can play... He doesn't notice things such as the fact he has daily problems with finding his school socks, and that it would make his life easier to make sure they are always set out the night before...and he doesn't pay attention to my several reminders a day about the socks. Verbal instructions get garbled up in his mind and he makes loads of mistakes with them, doesn't remember that throwing things inside is dangerous, etc. And he doesn't seem to get the big picture: the reason why we do these things the way we do. He is so caught up in his own thoughts that he doesn't really engage with the world.

But I think I've made a breakthrough with regards to his disengagement.

This morning I caught him trying to sneak toys to school again. I gently told him I understood he really wanted to take his soccer ball and sports quiz set but that it was against the school rules. Naturally he protested and whined and became teary about it. I rubbed his back, reassured him I got it, that it's hard when you can't do what you want because of the rules. He stood in the corner, facing away from me, so I offered him some time alone, which he accepted.

When I looked in ten minutes later, he had tears in his eyes and suddenly the truth came out: he needed something to do at recess and lunch because he has no one to play with. He is bored and lonely. Here we were thinking he was fairly popular thanks to being a sporty type, but it transpires that nobody else wants to do what he wants. I remember going through exactly the same thing: day after day with nobody to play with, pretending I was enjoying myself but really just sad and bored and desperate for company.

I did my best to reassure him I knew how he felt and how hard it is to be abandoned by friends and to spend all break times alone. I held him for ages while we talked (he is not a huggy type) and we connected for the first time in years. He answered my questions about school and friends and how he feels different from everyone else. My husband had always warned me against reinforcing his difference from other kids but I've always felt it would at least help him feel he has an ally in me... It just feels right to tell him how I have always felt different to everyone else, so I can emphasise the positives in being different. Hearing our son agree just confirmed everything I thought. I knew something was going on, and I knew he felt alien.

Does anyone have some advice about what to do now, what to say to him, how to help him cope?

We've never fully explained the testing he had when he was four, either. But i feel it is time to talk about that openly and explain that we will go through that again to find out more about how his brain works and how we can all be happier at school and home. I think he is old enough to know all this. He certainly is smart enough to understand. Does anyone have thoughts about this?

Thanks for reading this far. I really appreciate any advice. It feels so good, yet painful, to have made a breakthrough and I want to seize this chance to make life better for us all.

My boy (aged 8 now), has been diagnosed autistic for the last 2 and a bit years. In terms of explaining the testing, I tried, but he wasn't really interested! When he asks a question, I answer it truthfully, but otherwise I leave him to it. I've told him he's autistic, and that this means his brain works differently to most people's. That's all he wants to know right now.

In fact, 'leaving him to it' sort of describes my parenting style in a way. With both my kids, I try to respect their space, while also giving them info when they ask, or if I can see them having trouble with things/feeling different without a sense of why.

It's a tricky landscape. I had the school ask me what I'd done to change his behaviour from oppositional to 'kid enjoying school'. I had to answer 'nothing', because I hadn't done anything, he'd made any and all changes to his ideas/attitude himself. I chatted with him, gave him room to be himself and any extra tools he needed to extend himself, and that was it.

I'm also very open about my own challenges, as I don't think it does kids any favours to think their parents are perfect - they never see anyone dealing with disappointment or bad stuff that way!

It sounds like you're onto it dude :)
 
Psst... I think what I meant by all that, is that the 'where to from here' will become apparent, let your son guide you. And also, in terms of hubby not thinking it's important, mine does that a bit too. I just handle it all while he marvels at what awesome kids we have LOL. I'd prefer he was more involved in learning about autism, but he needs to find his way there himself.
 
Psst... I think what I meant by all that, is that the 'where to from here' will become apparent, let your son guide you.

Agreed. I took a back seat for a couple of years things got kind of out of hand (as in my son was controlled by his moods, and I was controlled by mine) and that meant I became disconnected from him. He seems to do better with a gentle approach (with him feeling he is in the driver's seat) but lots of contact and guidance/direction. It's hard to articulate what I mean by this, but it means not being regimented in my approach.

And also, in terms of hubby not thinking it's important, mine does that a bit too. I just handle it all while he marvels at what awesome kids we have LOL. I'd prefer he was more involved in learning about autism, but he needs to find his way there himself.

Indeed! I try by sending him articles about autism or GT kids and so on. He sends me articles about autism, too. So I'm just using his method. :D He is more likely to find his way there by reading than by listening to me talking.
 
Another things I'm wondering is are there any books people can recommend for gifted or twice exceptional kids? I have one that I've been holding onto that I will finally give to him this weekend. It's the Survival Guide for Gifted Kids. Anyone know others that are worthwhile?
I think I need that book for myself.
 
Something in my gut, some instinct, has always told me something is going on with my son. I just don't know what it is... I can't work out what he is thinking and he has learnt to avoid opening up to us because he is continually getting in trouble over his behaviour...it's understandably hard to open up to your mum when she is such a grouch and is prone to exploding. I was the same with mine.

I hear so much of my own mother in your post.

Let me start by saying that I think you have done exceptionally well for your circumstance. With the exception of your husband's reluctance, you seem to be describing a situation all too familiar from 25 years ago.

Before I go into all of my opinions on what you should do I would rather first explain the "resume" of those opinions. I am currently 29 years old and have gone through hell and back and one thing that I will say with confidence is that my mom has been one of my best, if not often the only supporter in my life with my dad close second. One of the reasons I began plugging into the autism community in the first place so many years ago was to help young mothers and fathers learn from what my parents did and didn't do from the perspective that I came out better than any doctor imagined!

I held him for ages while we talked (he is not a huggy type) and we connected for the first time in years.

That moment right there, it is the first of thousands! That amazing feeling of your baby boy curling up in your arms and touching your very soul to the point where you feel like you and he are truly connected... it will happen again, and again. If you do your part correctly, it may happen for the rest of your life and according to my own mother- that connection is something you will always treasure.

You see, even though life has turned dark and hateful for the adult me, even though I've grown smart and tough so that I can stand against any force... every once and awhile I will curl up beside my mom on the couch with a cup of coffee and just... connect with her.

How do you keep this bond? Where do you go after you make the connection? You learn! You empathize! You feel! For so long you will feel like you are not getting anything back but stay strong as the youth is hard to deal with for us. If you are like my mom was/is you will go from uncertain, holding a fragile flower worried what to do next to a proud parent who is amazed at what her son has accomplished this time!

Learning is key! Instead of telling you what specifically to do, I will instead give you a moment from my memories in the perspective of one of us. At that age and far beyond, life will be hard, dark and unforgiving. We with aspergers grow differently... apart, rarely connecting. You need to prepare yourself because life will also teach your child hate and fear very quickly. My teachers, principles, hated me for being different. I have so many stories of hate and ignorance that it would max out 3 post limits. For so long I felt so alone, helpless, hopeless and the world wanted me locked up simply for not understanding! One day, in high school actually, we had a parent/teacher/student/counselor/principal meeting at school starring my art teacher of all people! This guy hated me and constantly showed me off as the "biggest waste of raw talent he had ever seen" and "the best pencil artist I have ever seen who only cares about Spider man." We had many meetings dealing with this but this meeting was the big one!

This guy struts in like he has won the lottery, throws a manilla folder full of papers on the table, points at my parents and says "I know what's wrong with Justin now. I've got it all printed out right here! I have everything I need to know."

...
Let me summarize the next hour by simply saying: My mom CORRECTED this man. Brutally. She made EVERYONE in that room know that a few sheets of paper printed from some website did NOT tell ANYONE everything they need to know about her son! You see, my parents had been studying and learning and talking and listening for years prior to this man's overnight AOL search. I don't remember the whole rant but I do remember the feeling of constant bombs being dropped on this man to the point where he was about half an inch tall in front of his superiors. That was the moment... that was the moment I knew I had allies!

You want to know what to do next? Arm yourself with knowledge and prepare for war. People will not understand, pretty violently, and it will be your job to correct them, ferociously sometimes. There is NOTHING you can say to your son that will substitute for simply acting like you are on his side. Even when he is wrong, you are not his enemy; you are his teacher.

You seem to have the right heart and an idea of how to steer his mind to the point of opening up and you helping him. Continue that, patiently. And talk to some of us! Look around on this site and start gauging people by their posts to see what's in their heart. Find people you like and pick their brain because you need to know what works and what doesn't for numerous different people. You will need constant encouragement and plenty of battle stories as well as ideas how to properly tell a kid something difficult. Build a support system now because you will need it for at least 30 more years.

I believe you can do it! You have what it takes, it's just going to be a journey. Don't forget that it's all about love and understanding. You can do it! He can do it!
 
Thank you ChurchTheArtist. I appreciate your very personal post and words of advice more than I can possibly say. :cherryblossom::herb:

Such a timely reminder, too. I took him out of school yesterday because I needed to visit my vocational college to enrol in next semester's classes, and the distance from home and time of day meant I be around for him after school. So I took him along and before my meeting we went to our state natural history museum for a few hours. We chose certain galleries to visit and worked through a series of activities jointly developed by the education department and the museum. It was a good thing to do together and he enjoyed it, but his focus would wander and I kept getting frustrated by his wavering attention and his appalling handwriting! I know he is only 7 but his writing is amazingly bad, haha.

I want to work on handwriting skills with him and keep a level head rather than being irritated about it. So a reminder to be an ally is very well timed! Thank you. :)
 
When working with kids in a library, I was asked "What do we do for kids with poor motor skills? They can't get their hands to draw like the other kids." I simply replied "Give them bigger paper. They have a hard time with fine detail so you just let them practice with big shapes and movement then work them down to the fine scale."

Maybe have him practice writing and drawing larger, focusing on each letter instead of words or sentences. Handwriting comes as a condensing of knowledge, finesse and speed. If the speed takes over before the finesse is fine tuned it will look horrible. Hopefully that will help. Good luck! Keep us posted. :)
 
Cosmophylla Good info. & advice from ChurchTheArtist. I'm agreeing with the bit about using large paper for the writing. My son is gifted intellectually in math, science and writing but oh my the actual writing. It was illegible until I worked with him - for about a year between ages 7 and 9. I bought a large roll of inexpensive paper about 3' wide. We'd tape a huge section to the floor. Three times a week he'd practice (at first copying) the letters of the alphabet with whatever writing instrument and color(s) he felt like using that day. When he was done with the assignment he'd usually be fairly irked; then we'd do something fun and relaxing in order to let the tension out.
His writing continues to be messy but it is legible.
 
Cosmophylla Good info. & advice from ChurchTheArtist. I'm agreeing with the bit about using large paper for the writing. My son is gifted intellectually in math, science and writing but oh my the actual writing. It was illegible until I worked with him - for about a year between ages 7 and 9. I bought a large roll of inexpensive paper about 3' wide. We'd tape a huge section to the floor. Three times a week he'd practice (at first copying) the letters of the alphabet with whatever writing instrument and color(s) he felt like using that day. When he was done with the assignment he'd usually be fairly irked; then we'd do something fun and relaxing in order to let the tension out.
His writing continues to be messy but it is legible.

Thank you, I love this idea! I picked up a roll of craft paper over the weekend for this purpose. :herb:
 

New Threads

Top Bottom