Brain fried from social interaction

[Warmheart]

I wish always to be compassionate, kind, a receptive, supportive friend and good listener. I am finding it especially hard right now to have much social interaction. It's more than just facetime which overwhelms. Phone calls (so many of them, and all social chit-chat), emails, messages, etc., it's just making my brain feel fried. Then comes the shutdown and brain fog. Finally, any further chatty phone calls or messages feels like it actually physically hurts my brain. (Hah! How's that for weird-sounding?) I weakly give fogged-out answers and try to hold up my end of the convo, because I don't wish to reject the person calling... but.. I'm just painfully fried beyond belief, and soon won't be able to function.

Does anyone else experience this? Why does it cost us so much? I love my friends, and don't wish to be anything other than kind and welcoming, supportive and loving to them. I am going to have to learn to let the machine answer the phone, and not return calls until I feel better... but, I live alone, and someone worrying will just come over, knocking and making the dog bark when I'm already feeling pretty fragile, or they'll call again anxiously until they get a response.

How do you manage social overwhelm? Got a good strategy to manage social demands? Thanks for any ideas!

 

[AsheSkyler]

Makes sense to me, I get nonsensical headaches all the time. It's like the sheer sound itself is bouncing around in my head and slicing my brain to pieces. Never mind there are no nerve-endings in the brain, it bloody hurts to hear sounds sometimes and feels like bitty ping-pong balls having a field day in there.

My fallback seems to be staying awake when everybody else is asleep so I have a guaranteed few hours to listen and do what I want without interruption. When I'm out and about and can't go hide in my room, I just find a way to go outside where's it's quieter until I can recharge enough to finish the gathering. My phone stays on vibrate so the noise doesn't drive me nuts, I attempt to restrict email/message checking to once in the morning and once in the evening, and my voicemail clearly states that I am probably busy or don't recognize your number and will get back to you when I'm free.

 

[Warmheart]

I like your voicemail message. Nice and succinct.

 

[IContainMultitudes]

Possibly related somewhat to this phenomenon, it may be that people on the spectrum are more vulnerable to this kind of mental drain from the demands of higher-level social interaction:

Ego Depletion « You Are Not So Smart

 

[NewOldAspie]

I like your voicemail message. Nice and succinct.

I have difficulty answering phone, if I recoginize the number I might pick up because getting message to return call creates more anxiety. I live far from everyone so unlikely they will just pop in, that helps a lot. If I could choose, then 2 or 3 calls a week would be acceptable. It is a tight rope to walk because if I don't talk to someone during full week, then I have to consider potential other problems.

 

[Warmheart]

Thanks for your perspective, IContainMultitudes. Its something to think about for sure.

NewOldAspie, 2 or 3 calls per week would be great!

 

[Suzanne]

Oh do I heck know what you go through! Only now, since finding out I am an aspie, does all the puzzles fit into place! Sometimes, I feel that my mouth is filled with cotton wool and I need to make a quick exit.

One of the worst for me, is when I feel my smile is PASTED on my face and that, my face actually WOBBLES because I know that I am trying in vain to keep up appearances and it DOES hurt the brain! I end up with a headache.

What I do, is allow the answer machine to pick up and then, I will deal with the person, when I feel I can talk.

My last big gathering, told me that it was the last time! I thought it was going to be ok, because the people who was holding the party, are absolutely lovely couple, who wanted to share their joy of celebrating their wedding anniversary. I kept telling myself that so what if it is over 40 going; they are bound to be lovely people - HOW WRONG I WAS! Never considered that the lovely couple, would be rushed off their feet attending everything and so, ended up sitting near some people that I had never heard of and I could feel myself sinking! I seemed to get one person interested in what I was saying, but eventually, he got up and moved somewhere else and I could not help wonder if he was fed up and then, didn't help when hubby told me that I seemed to go on and on and on, which I do not think I did, but perhaps!!

Eventually, I could not deal with it anymore; felt so out of control and took courage to get out of my seat, for I felt that I could not move and found my husband and said that I really needed to go home now, but sadly, he said: why? Are you not enjoying yourself? At that, stupid tears escaped because the worst of the worst, I had to ask him to walk me back to the car!!! This couple live in a very uneven footed area and being also social phobic to the extreme, I could not face going back on my own, and besides, had no idea where the car was. Naturally, he was not amused, but did take me back and I just sat in the car, crying! It was fairly soon, that I said: Suzanne, this is the LAST time, you go to these sort of functions ie big ones.

I seem to be just about ok in a small gathering, with people I know well, but always seem to be rooted to my chair!

I never understood why I would come home absolutely EXHAUSTED and my husband used to be non plussed that a social gathering should render me hopeless. Now I know why and it is such a RELIEF!

I am a christian, which is why I have no choice but to do a bit of socialising and next week, we have what we call: pioneer week and two spiritual sisters that I have never met before, are staying with us for the week. We have moved house, to be closer to our Kingdom Hall and I never appreciated just how much it would put me OUT THERE. As it happens, I have been in text with both sisters and one of them, now knows I am aspergic because to be honest, it is freaking me out! Thankfully, during the day, they will not be here, but the mornings and evenings, they will be and I just close my mind to what will take place. I just hope they are NICE, otherwise, it is going to be torture!

Do your friends know you are aspergic? I have made a point of telling certain ones, because quite frankly, if they are my friends, they should want to understand me, so far, so good!

I am beginning to appreciate that only certain ones should be in the know, so that they have to do a bit of the emotional work too!

 

[HappyHermit]

I get the sense from your post that your friends have no idea how you feel, Warmheart, that you've never told them. Once you do, they may or may not understand that you aren't always available and able to cope with their social demands on you. At the moment, though, they don't seem to have much of a chance to do the right thing and to sometimes just let you be because they don't know how they're draining you, unless they happen to pick up on it themselves.

If you tell them and they demand that you must be there for them at their whim, it isn't much of a friendship to start with. Friendships are two-way streets.

If they understand or make a genuine effort to, your friendship may benefit from a deeper understanding of each other.

But I could imagine there's the additional obstacle of your self-image and who you expect yourself to be for others. (You wrote, 'I wish always to be compassionate, kind, a receptive, supportive friend and good listener.') I don't think it's realistic to expect that of oneself, always. Because you seem to interpret always as in 'anytime someone happens to say they need me, if only to make chit-chat'. If you always have to be available for others, you can only be there for yourself when, by happenstance, no one calls on you that minute to be the compassionate and receptive listener they want (but may not actually need) right then. (Not everything someone wants to discuss is a life-or-death situation, not everything is even a crisis.) But you also have a responsibility to yourself, and not being neurotypical doesn't erase that responsibility to your own mental hygiene.

For me, it took effort, because I was drilled to always be what others needed me to be from a young age, and to disregard my own needs. I had been running on empty for years and was looking for ways to change various things about my life when someone brought up the concept of personal mental hygiene to me. Otherwise I might not have been so receptive to it. It reeks of selfishness, and selfishness equals 'bad' in most cultures I know. But, to quote Oscar Wilde, 'selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live'.

In my opinion, you may simply need to start taking your own needs seriously enough to act on them. But, as I mentioned above, I think you're going to reach an impasse if you don't scale down your expectations of yourself towards others at the same time.

A possible first step would be to tell your social circle that incessant social contact drains you. Then you can make further decisions based on their reactions. Personally, I would expect some people to fall away as you make more of a claim to your own time and needs. But a friendship or two will likely improve as people get to know you better as you really are, and are able to act accordingly, so that your boundaries, too, are respected.

 

[Progster]

Yes, I'm a language tutor, so I have to deal with quite a lot of interaction for work. I don't work full time, but if I have more than about 5 hours I find that my brain gets overloaded to the point of my not being able to take any more, and I have to reset. I feel an intense pressure, almost physical pain, and intolerance to further stimulation of any sort, even listening to music, which I normally enjoy. On Friday it tends to be worse and I reach that point more quickly. Today, Friday, I was hugely relieved when my last session was cancelled, because I really don't know how I could of managed it. When this happens, I usually go to the bathroom and just sit for 10 minutes, or I ask the student to do a written excercise so at least there is no interaction for about 10 minutes - but 10 minutes isn't enough to recover from it, it usually take until the next day to restore balance.

 

[Kari Suttle]

Does anyone else experience this? Why does it cost us so much?

Yes i do. Any sort of social interaction taxes me over time throughout the day, be it over the phone (friend or for school related matters) or in person (for work or out shopping, anything). If i didn't get much sleep the night before or if i've got a lot going on and am stressed out, just forget it i won't answer even text messages from a friend. At the end of yet another busy day of work i just hole myself up in my room and only come out for dinner. Even if all i did that day was babysit the little boy i look at as a baby brother, i'm still taxed from the all day interacting. Idk why, i'm guessing just something with us being aspies/auties.

My fallback seems to be staying awake when everybody else is asleep so I have a guaranteed few hours to listen and do what I want without interruption.

YES i do this too! Have since forever, it seems. I'll shut my door, lock it, and put in headphones and play music and just relax knowing that not only will nobody come in cause everyone else is going to bed, but even if they wanted to they can't! Lol. It keeps me sane, those few hours of guarenteed uninteruption. Not even holing myself up in my room when i get home from work compares.

I get the sense from your post that your friends have no idea how you feel, Warmheart, that you've never told them. Once you do, they may or may not understand that you aren't always available and able to cope with their social demands on you.

I agree, if your friends/family don't know how it affects you then you ought to tell them. My friend does this too - when she's overwhelmed she won't reply or nothing. Her explaining this to me helped a lot cause then i knew not to take it personally, i knew that rather than it being a conscious decision to avoid me its a coping mechanism. I do the same thing, and i told her that, and we've at least been able to understand this part of each other better since then. She doesn't get me but she at least tries to understand that since, to a degree, she does it too even though she's NT.

 

[Warmheart]

HappyHermit, thank you so very much for your thoughtful reply. I'm pondering your insights, which are very on-target. I am so very grateful to you for sharing them with me. Your understanding and depth is amazing. You've given me super advice, thank you!

I'm not sure how I'll phrase things, but I guess I do need to let my frequent-chatty-callers be more aware of this aspect of ASD.

 

[AsheSkyler]

YES i do this too! Have since forever, it seems. I'll shut my door, lock it, and put in headphones and play music and just relax knowing that not only will nobody come in cause everyone else is going to bed, but even if they wanted to they can't! Lol. It keeps me sane, those few hours of guarenteed uninteruption. Not even holing myself up in my room when i get home from work compares.

It's the only time of the day I truly feel like myself and know exactly who and what I am. Wouldn't give anything for that time.
I'm quite unstable when I don't have those few hours to reflect and process.

 

[Soup]

A lot of good suggestions have been shared on this subject over the years. The trouble is, those ideas are decentralized & you really have to rummage here to find them.

I can relate completely to becoming overwhelmed by social interaction. I am a solitary Aspie who prefers to be left to hell alone as much as possible. I am not shy or afraid of people: I tend to get sensory overload very easily & I do not like being around others for that reason. It isn't a matter of hostility or personal dislike. I don't wish any harm or unhappiness on anyone: I want them to feel however it is they want to feel: just leave me out of it! My favourite invitations are the ones I do not get.

That being said, there are those handful of social occasions I cannot avoid. We have 2 grown kids. We also have other relatives who want to see us occasionally. A strategy we used this year was a 'carpe diem' tactic. How we did it:

We knew a few weeks ahead of time that certain close relatives would want to see us over the holidays. Neither Mr.Soup nor I give a rodent's posterior about said festivities. Instead of waiting around for people to begin calling with invitations here & there, We SEIZED THE DAY!

We didn't want to invite people over because, then our personal space gets encroached upon & for me, the temptation to simply retreat to my Aspie cave would've proven to be irresistible. That, in turn, prompts guests to LOOK for me, wonder what is wrong, if I'm upset or sick or whatever. Also, getting guests to arrive on time & LEAVE quickly, is hard: they tend to settle in & want to socialize.

We picked a weekday evening, pleading conflicting schedules, etc. We knew that several people would choose not to come because it was inconvenient. "Aww, darn What a shame! We would've loved to have you there." (RIGHT!)

We chose an Aspie friendly restaurant. The place is darkish, full of secluded corners & booths. For larger groups, there are big, round tables that minimize any physical contact or crowding. Since the tables are round, the person sitting facing you is far away & will stare & blab at you less, since they're way across the table.

The menu is visible online, so Mr.Soup & I could decide ahead of time, in minute detail, what we were having (no surprises!)

We invited those we knew would insist on seeing us & make pests of themselves & those we knew were very unlikely to show up. HEY: we DID provide ample time & THEY made their own decision,

We made reservations for early evening, after the suppertime rush. There were 6 of us in total. We arranged seating ahead of time, so there would be no table awkwardness. We arrived at 7:30 on the dot & had ordered by 7:40. Mr.Soup & I chose food that didn't take hours to prepare.

YES, there are financial considerations & taking a group out is not something everyone can do. Not every suggestion works for every Aspie. You can also arrange such a get together where each person or couple pays for themselves. IF you have a large group over for the holidays & you add the costs of feeding everyone & hors d'oeuvres, drinks, desserts AND decorations AND gifts, it winds up costing more! Save over the year to soften the impact.

By doing this, we saw everyone, socialized on our terms (mostly, we ate, others blabbered). Since it was a restaurant, there was no hanging around for interminable hours, noise levels remained low & constant hugging was negated. Since Friday (today) was a workday, everyone had to get home early & nobody insisted on taking the party elsewhere, like to a club or to someone's house. The restaurant had some holiday stuff up, but nothing overwhelming.

We spent under 600$. Try feeding 6 people at home AND buying gifts for them for that price. Just the turkey, alone, to feed 6 costs a lot. Then, you have to kill yourself cooking for days ahead of time to have everything ready. Your house needs to be spotless & festive too. By the chosen day, you're exhausted & overwhelmed before anyone even shows up! This way, the evening out was our gift to everyone & there was no mess to clean for us afterwards, our personal space remained personal. We went home to bed.

 

[Warmheart]

Soup, what a great solution for you and Mr. Soup! Love it! I'm not able to do such a thing, but you've found a workable idea for you and your hubby. Very smart.

Perhaps I really need to learn to balance my availability to what I can safely handle. The folks wanting to chit-chat may not be able to comprehend that an aspie can become overloaded socially and drop into dangerous shutdowns. Guess it's up to me to think of self-preservation a bit.

 

[Spiller]

it actually physically hurts my brain. (Hah! How's that for weird-sounding?) I weakly give fogged-out answers and try to hold up my end of the convo, because I don't wish to reject the person calling... but.. I'm just painfully fried beyond belief, and soon won't be able to function.

I totally suffer with this Warmheart, it's like my brain itself is becoming more and more bruised, to the point that all I can do is huddle in bed, in the dark, until it eases off, which may take days.
The problem is, for me, being isolated for too long makes me dangerously depressed, so I need regular contact with people.
This is counterbalanced by the brain bruising overload of being around people too much, most especially any who don't understand my issues.
I see it as like balancing weights on either end of a seesaw; get it right and you can coast along ok; too much weight on either end tips the balance and it's overload or depression time.
This is complicated by my sensitivity issues varying in intensity over time, so I have to pay attention and constantly adjust the weights.
I find it helps me to have a timetable for the week, so I know what to expect each day and my little circle of people, all of whom are aware of my, er, quirks, know when I'll go to see them, or when they can come to me. Also, I don't do phone calls - too random - only texts, which I can reply to when I'm ready.
With that in place, I can allow for some flexibility if something different comes up one day, as I know when I'll get a scheduled break the next.
It's an evolving system, not perfect yet and not everyone complies.. especially extended family around Christmas, but it beats the hell out of totally random, exploding head inducing chaos!
I hope you can find something that suits you, my sweet, I feel for your pain

 

[Warmheart]

Spiller, thank you for your kindness. Thank you also for sharing your sensible method for managing interaction. In reading your posts, I'm impressed that you've assembled such a fantastic aspie toolkit for managing the stresses of living on the spectrum. Your ingenuity and resilience is inspiring! Others here really have some good coping skills and workarounds, too. Understanding ASD is new to me. I clearly need to augment my old toolkit (NT) for a new one (aspie). New toolkit! Yay! I feel like a student on this forum.

 

[Spiller]

Spiller, thank you for your kindness. Thank you also for sharing your sensible method for managing interaction. In reading your posts, I'm impressed that you've assembled such a fantastic aspie toolkit for managing the stresses of living on the spectrum. Your ingenuity and resilience is inspiring! Others here really have some good coping skills and workarounds, too. Understanding ASD is new to me. I clearly need to augment my old toolkit (NT) for a new one (aspie). New toolkit! Yay! I feel like a student on this forum.

Warmheart, in november 2013, I was clearing my mind preparatory to ending my life.. I'd decided it was time, I was so bone tired and had had enough of the endless pain! As I pressed the knife against my forearm (sorry for being so graphic) ready to.. well, you get it I suddenly realised that I didn't actually want to die, all I really wanted was to be happy!
that left me only one choice.. to find a way! That meant living right? I still hurt, but the toolkit (more like a truckload) I've assembled so far has made me.. happier? Yes!.. a better person? Yes!..
I'm still working on it my sweet and I've still a long way to go!
I'm used to being extremely isolated and private, but have decided that anything I can share of my experiences and little insights, that may help someone, may make someone feel a little better, put a smile on someones face, warm someones heart, is worth being open!
Thank you for warming my heart, Warmheart

 

[GhostWriter]

I get the sense from your post that your friends have no idea how you feel, Warmheart, that you've never told them. Once you do, they may or may not understand that you aren't always available and able to cope with their social demands on you. At the moment, though, they don't seem to have much of a chance to do the right thing and to sometimes just let you be because they don't know how they're draining you, unless they happen to pick up on it themselves.

If you tell them and they demand that you must be there for them at their whim, it isn't much of a friendship to start with. Friendships are two-way streets.

If they understand or make a genuine effort to, your friendship may benefit from a deeper understanding of each other.

But I could imagine there's the additional obstacle of your self-image and who you expect yourself to be for others. (You wrote, 'I wish always to be compassionate, kind, a receptive, supportive friend and good listener.') I don't think it's realistic to expect that of oneself, always. Because you seem to interpret always as in 'anytime someone happens to say they need me, if only to make chit-chat'. If you always have to be available for others, you can only be there for yourself when, by happenstance, no one calls on you that minute to be the compassionate and receptive listener they want (but may not actually need) right then. (Not everything someone wants to discuss is a life-or-death situation, not everything is even a crisis.) But you also have a responsibility to yourself, and not being neurotypical doesn't erase that responsibility to your own mental hygiene.

For me, it took effort, because I was drilled to always be what others needed me to be from a young age, and to disregard my own needs. I had been running on empty for years and was looking for ways to change various things about my life when someone brought up the concept of personal mental hygiene to me. Otherwise I might not have been so receptive to it. It reeks of selfishness, and selfishness equals 'bad' in most cultures I know. But, to quote Oscar Wilde, 'selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live'.

In my opinion, you may simply need to start taking your own needs seriously enough to act on them. But, as I mentioned above, I think you're going to reach an impasse if you don't scale down your expectations of yourself towards others at the same time.

A possible first step would be to tell your social circle that incessant social contact drains you. Then you can make further decisions based on their reactions. Personally, I would expect some people to fall away as you make more of a claim to your own time and needs. But a friendship or two will likely improve as people get to know you better as you really are, and are able to act accordingly, so that your boundaries, too, are respected.

Hooray!! An Honest Answer! When I wound up in hospital from 'shattered nerves' last month, the Therapists stressed Setting Boundaries repeatedly. That meant being able to explain to the 'maddening crowd' that too much interaction wears you out. The Boundary should be flexible, but everyone needs to have one to survive the daily onslaught.
The Holidays are probably the Worst Time for Aspies. And NTs don't understand us at all, which adds to the stress, especially for people like me who fear rejection/ abandonment. My spouse comes from a large sociable family & he doesn't sympathize at all with my problem in this area. This causes me to get Angry!! WHY does everyone assume that WE are weird because of this 'problem'?? Maybe, just maybe it's Them who are weird, needing so much 'jocularity' so often??
I really need to work on this as it's a 2 way problem- 'They' don't understand that too much silly chit chat bores me & triggers my Flight response- I don't understand that they feel offended if I do so without explaining!!

 

[GhostWriter]

I totally suffer with this Warmheart, it's like my brain itself is becoming more and more bruised, to the point that all I can do is huddle in bed, in the dark, until it eases off, which may take days.
The problem is, for me, being isolated for too long makes me dangerously depressed, so I need regular contact with people.
This is counterbalanced by the brain bruising overload of being around people too much, most especially any who don't understand my issues.
I see it as like balancing weights on either end of a seesaw; get it right and you can coast along ok; too much weight on either end tips the balance and it's overload or depression time.
This is complicated by my sensitivity issues varying in intensity over time, so I have to pay attention and constantly adjust the weights.
I find it helps me to have a timetable for the week, so I know what to expect each day and my little circle of people, all of whom are aware of my, er, quirks, know when I'll go to see them, or when they can come to me. Also, I don't do phone calls - too random - only texts, which I can reply to when I'm ready.
With that in place, I can allow for some flexibility if something different comes up one day, as I know when I'll get a scheduled break the next.
It's an evolving system, not perfect yet and not everyone complies.. especially extended family around Christmas, but it beats the hell out of totally random, exploding head inducing chaos!
I hope you can find something that suits you, my sweet, I feel for your pain

Well I don't get quite so bad with 'overdoses' of people, noise, etc as that but what usually happens is I either drink too much &/ or say something inappropriate...
And I usually am the first to retire if this is happening at my place.. If I'm somewhere else it can get pretty dicey- most times my spouse will be ready to leave shortly afterwards, but at Family Doings (his) might not notice or care.
I am caught between getting the Escape I need & his need to be sociable. If I can leave by myself its one thing, but if we arrived together, what then??
And some of my family & friends take my trying to 'schedule' visits & limit communication to texting or email the Wrong Way! My therapist tells me that I should explain to them Why I am doing what I am because of my own needs & Not because of something They have done...
That takes a lot of 'fortitude' from a person who is already Stressing!! I hope that if I manage an explanation once I won't have to do it every time..

 

[Warmheart]

I am so glad that you are here, Spiller. You make me smile.

GhostWriter, you have such a wonderfully caring heart to think of your hubby's feelings, and his family's feelings, too. It seems we are in the same situation. A lifetime of trying to meet others' social needs is catching up to us. Perhaps your therapist has a wise point about disclosing to those close to us. I agree with you though, people do seem to take our need for solitude personally, especially when the only thing on their minds is innocently having some chit-chat. You're doing a great job by consulting with a therapist.

I am so grateful for the people in my life. I don't wish to hurt them, but sometimes I need a people-break. Hard to tread gently, when nobody in our lives can relate.