boyfriend broke up with me but instantly regretted it, i accepted him back how do i heal?

[taquitolover]

I only threw it out there because OP seems to be working toward an equitable partnership. And the dude sounds like he needs more intervention than he can muster by himself, or else he'll accidentally ruin the relationship and may hate himself forever for it.

Interabled couples need to be a lot more for each other. My wife, for example, has a condition where her diet needs to be monitored, and sometimes firmly policed. If it were up to her she'd have a McDonald's IV. Occasionally I'll have to nag her to pee if she's feeling too lazy (also because of her condition). So each of us have to play parent for one another sometimes, but this was all negotiated long ago.

---

It's easy to forget everyone's autism is different. Many people on here act well in social settings because they can fake it even if they don't enjoy doing so. Ergo their personal relationships are largely normal. But many cannot function in social or interpersonal situations because they just have too many blind spots or impulses. Many are also socially isolated and simply lack practice interacting with others. There are cases when someone needs help - sometimes seemingly excessive help - in order to attain balance and stability in their life. If someone cares enough to offer that help, they should be empowered and given the tools to succeed. In this case I think "training" is the appropriate word. It makes the intent transparent and unclouded by social coding, allowing both parties the ability to consent to the proceedings.

I guess I should clearly state that training isn't the same as one would train a dog, but repeatedly prompting the mind to detect impulses, identify appropriate reactions, and navigate the immediate social surrounding to positive effect. But calling it something like behavior modification therapy is too clinical and impersonal, IMO.

yeah we broke up again haha

 

[taquitolover]

yeah we broke up again haha

correction, he broke up with me

 

[330]

correction, he broke up with me

Why ?

 

[taquitolover]

for the same reason… the guilt was consuming him i don’t know… before that we had spoken about it and we spoke about working through things together and even moving in. after he we broke up though after i made this post again he wasn’t feeling well and even suicidal. so voluntarily he went to inpatient. i’m very confused and scared but i want him to be okay so i hope he will get the help and attention he needs.

 

[330]

for the same reason… the guilt was consuming him i don’t know… before that we had spoken about it and we spoke about working through things together and even moving in. after he we broke up though after i made this post again he wasn’t feeling well and even suicidal. so voluntarily he went to inpatient. i’m very confused and scared but i want him to be okay so i hope he will get the help and attention he needs.

I understand- As an autistic male I can tell you a few things . This may or may not help. His Emotional processing is not the same as yours

This can be a bit hard to explain . But I will try . When you process complex emotions which a relationship has many of you can do this as levels like walking up steps slowly , and think carefully through how you are feeling. And you can balance those feelings.

What is very common with autism is not having the correct wiring or understanding to process complex emotions at a fast pace like you can .For me it’s like jumping 5 steps making it to the top and falling down all of them .

What could take you a minute to process could take me a few days or weeks . And with so many emotions at once and changes happening, this will invoke the flight or fight section of our brains . For Most autistic people the flight or fight portion our brains is way above normal size and function.

And if I am having trouble processing complex emotions I will be in a perpetual state over overthinking everything about a relationship and it’s emotions .

The pace of everything is the key, one subject and emotion at a time . It could be to much at once for him.

In the past I have completely ran away from women I have been deeply in love with because it was at such a fast pace , and to many emotions at once .

 

[taquitolover]

I understand- As an autistic male I can tell you a few things . That may or may not help. His Emotional processing is not the same as yours

This can be a bit hard to explain . But I will try . When you process complex emotions which a relationship has many of you can do this as levels like walking up steps slowly , and think carefully through how you are feeling. And you can balance those feelings.

What is very common with autism is not having the correct wiring or understanding to process complex emotions at a fast pace like you can .For me it’s like jumping 5 steps making it to the top and falling down all of them .

What could take you a minute to process could take me a few days or weeks . And with so many emotions at once and changes that will invoke the flight or fight section of our brains . For Most autistic people the flight or flight portion our brains is way above normal size and function.

And if I am having trouble processing complex emotions I will be in a perpetual state over overthinking everything about a relationship and it’s emotions .

The pace of everything is the key, one subject and emotion at a time . It could be to much at once for him.

In the past I have completely ran away from women I have been deeply in love with because it was at such a fast pace , and to many emotions at once .

thank you for the insight… at the moment i was very upset. when we spoke it was very calm but i am so hurt and so scared for myself. i asked him if this was indeinitine… and he said if i felt comfortable and i said i wasn’t sure i could wait for him because i felt so little and like i was being stepped on. i didn’t want to wait if what he needed was to be with/sleep with other women. i now which we had had the time to speak it through and if it was to understand his emotions i would give him that space but we didn’t get to discuss it before he said he needed to be in inpatient. maybe i went about it the wrong way

 

[taquitolover]

thank you for the insight… at the moment i was very upset. when we spoke it was very calm but i am so hurt and so scared for myself. i asked him if this was indeinitine… and he said if i felt comfortable and i said i wasn’t sure i could wait for him because i felt so little and like i was being stepped on. i didn’t want to wait if what he needed was to be with/sleep with other women. i now which we had had the time to speak it through and if it was to understand his emotions i would give him that space but we didn’t get to discuss it before he said he needed to be in inpatient. maybe i went about it the wrong way

sorry i meant indefinite* (the breakup)

 

[Rodafina]

thank you for the insight… at the moment i was very upset. when we spoke it was very calm but i am so hurt and so scared for myself. i asked him if this was indeinitine… and he said if i felt comfortable and i said i wasn’t sure i could wait for him because i felt so little and like i was being stepped on. i didn’t want to wait if what he needed was to be with/sleep with other women. i now which we had had the time to speak it through and if it was to understand his emotions i would give him that space but we didn’t get to discuss it before he said he needed to be in inpatient. maybe i went about it the wrong way

It sounds like he had a lot going on. It takes a lot for someone to voluntarily walk into inpatient. It’s a difficult place to be.

Honestly, it just sounds like he needs a friend right now more than anything. That’s hard to do if you’ve been hurt, but it is definitely true that one can be in a state of mind where the intensity of any relationship is simply too much.

 

[taquitolover]

It sounds like he had a lot going on. It takes a lot for someone to voluntarily walk into inpatient. It’s a difficult place to be.

Honestly, it just sounds like he needs a friend right now more than anything. That’s hard to do if you’ve been hurt, but it is definitely true that one can be in a state of mind where the intensity of any relationship is simply too much.

our last conversation i hope i haven’t pushed him away too far, thank you for responding i really don’t know what to do but i want to help and be there for him while also understanding my own feelings

 

[taquitolover]

our last conversation i hope i haven’t pushed him away too far, thank you for responding i really don’t know what to do but i want to help and be there for him while also understanding my own feelings

as for the message waiting to be sent i don’t know yet if i will… i am going to construct it more about being there for him than missing him

 

[Rodafina]

our last conversation i hope i haven’t pushed him away too far, thank you for responding i really don’t know what to do but i want to help and be there for him while also understanding my own feelings

Embrace the sadness, my friend. This is really sad. I would just say that he is getting help now, and it is time for you to turn focus to yourself. Sounds like you have been through a lot and you are extremely introspective. Here on the forum, many of us have to engage in survival self-care… Taking the time to understand your feelings and do the things that will calm them. Hopefully with healthy coping mechanisms which you can find all over the forum. Try to take care of yourself if you can.

 

[taquitolover]

i feel really bad for the way i spoke to him… i told him he was being so mean…. i was hurt not hours before we spoke about working through things together and then i felt everything beneath me fall. i go to therapy i will see it i can get an earlier appointment, so i can process everything. i want nothing more than to be with him i’ve just been having a hard time being understanding and patient while simultaneously expressing myself and letting myself feel. thank you so much

 

[Hypnalis]

@taquitolover

To what extent do you think your behavior contributed to this outcome?

Clearly not 100% - it can't be that simple. But as I understand it you've been there most of the time, so it's equally clearly not 0%.

What you do about the whole situation over the next month or two will be much better (or less bad) if it's guided by a reasonably accurate answer to that question.

 

[taquitolover]

@taquitolover

To what extent do you think your behavior contributed to this outcome?

Clearly not 100% - it can't be that simple. But as I understand it you've been there most of the time, so it's equally clearly not 0%.

What you do about the whole situation over the next month or two will be much better (or less bad) if it's guided by a reasonably accurate answer to that question.

i don’t know

 

[Lysholm]

When I was younger I used to get stuck in these "thought loops" where I would just kinda circle around an issue or decision. I would collect any info I considered relevant (note not everything was actually relevant) then I would mull over every detail, attempting to predict every outcome, eventuality, or consequence of said decision. But these thought loops were really productivity traps and I would exert tons of energy and waste a lot of time accomplishing nothing. I could equate it to pulling on a wrench that will not budge - you sweat and wear yourself out despite the wrench not moving.

Now, these thought loops aren't organized or linear or anything, really. They are a soup of thoughts and feelings that can't be digested - especially by any means a "normal" person would try to. It's kind of like a self-inflicted sickness that only time and experience will cure...and I use the word "cure" loosely.

It sounds like this guy is trapped in something like this and, unfortunately, the only way I know of to get out of this mindset is to totally burn yourself out and give up on whatever it is causing the thought loop. IDK why, but it may be impossible for him in his life right now to cope with whatever he has got going on in his head. And why it happens is very personal, as autistic people are notorious for getting stuck on things that shouldn't take so much time to figure out. It's a pretty deep issue and, as you can tell, can be crippling and destructive.

It's not your fault. You didn't cause it and you can't fix it. It's not your responsibility to fix it either - you've already gone way above and beyond what anyone should have to. Your patience seems akin to a saint. IMO, you should learn to let this guy go and move on with your life. Even if you feel as though you are abandoning him you must do what is best for yourself. Yeah, he may come out of it and be the best partner ever. But he may be stuck like this for years. And if you are waiting for him you could end up regretting not taking other paths.

You can feel bad, but don't feel guilty. And if in the future he comes out of nowhere begging for another chance don't be swayed into a quick decision - give it some time to see how he reacts and behaves not getting what he wants. If he is really over it he won't relapse, otherwise, well, you'll know.

 

[taquitolover]

thank you so much i was starting to ruminate and i felt like a guilty monster and maybe it would’ve been better had i been more accepting and patient. it hurt so much to see him like this. i remember now that eventually after we sat in silence i just told him something along the lines of “i’m glad you’re being honest, and even though it sucks i understand “ and that’s when he finally broke down and cried /: it’s so awful to see him like this… i wouldve waited for him but not if it was so he could sleep with other people and have it be okay, but i see now maybe it is more than that. i don’t think he will come back as before i told him if we broke up again it would stay that way because my emotions can’t handle that i just never expected it to be hours later.. thank you so much i feel safe here

 

[Rodafina]

I second what @Lysholm says about not being able to save him and not feeling guilty. It’s not your fault. You must believe that it’s not your fault. Just as much as you cannot save him, you did not cause this.

 

[taquitolover]

thank you everyone! i have to try and accept it’s over as much as i love him and want to be with him and that it’s probably better this way

 

[330]

@taquitolover

Please don’t blame yourself and feel guilty .

It certainly is not my intention to make you feel that way. There are to many variables and assumptions for me or anyone to make a proper assessment of your situation.Mainly because we can only read your perspective. And I also missed if his objective is to sleep with other people.Only he knows if that is true. Age can be a factor most young people are that way . NT and ND.
But some are not.

I was trying to explain some of the inner workings of how my mind works sometimes in relationship situations.And the psychological aspect of emotional processing that is common with autism .

I am probably the last person who should give advice on a relationship. There are so many verbal and non verbal cues I have missed with people . And could have take things completely out of context or not comprehend what was being said to me on a personal level. Including what you really may need help with .

This can cause being stuck in a state of overthinking everything about a relationship, person or conversation.

It is not your fault, that some autistic people think this way . I can’t speak for everyone on here . It would be wrong to stereotype. But from what I read on here and my own personal experiences, the data suggests this is a common problem.

Give things time don’t rush ,or feel guilty. Always prepare for an outcome to go in either direction.

 

[taquitolover]

it’s okay you didn’t make me feel guilty. i can only assume he wants to sleep around because he said the desire and thoughts cloud his mind too heavily and that he doesn’t trust that in the moment he wouldn’t do it. it is not personal what he’s going through but definitely hearing that hurt a lot