boyfriend broke up with me but instantly regretted it, i accepted him back how do i heal?

[taquitolover]

Hello everyone. I am not on the spectrum, my boyfriend is, so i hope it is okay to post here and ask for some insight and advice.
i don’t know if this has any importance but my boyfriend has ASD, ADHD and OCD. my boyfriend and i have been together for 6 months and we’ve always had good communication and have been good listeners to each other. recently we had our first emotional conversation. i brought up a lot of pent up emotion/hurt over the times he’s stared at other women in my company. it was in the back of my mind and the back of his too apparently, so there were a lot of tears especially on his part. he feels really awful about it, really really awful.. now that we’ve talked about it, I’ve forgiven him, because he’s the most amazing person I’ve ever met and i’m so happy with him, this wasn’t something worth breaking up for me, especially since i know he’s someone that genuinely cares and loves me (he shows me in so many ways). I could tell this was eating at him though and i feel this has tanked his confidence as a boyfriend. however, a few days ago, it seems he got overwhelmed. and he was exhausted. he felt this meant he couldn’t fully love, couldn’t fully commit and he thought he was hurting me/ would hurt me, so he broke up with me and said something he couldn't take back. i was really hurt, of course, but after he dropped me off he texted me two hours later asking for forgiveness and for me to take him back. he said he realized he was scared, that he'd get tired of fighting and make a mistake but that it wasn’t an excuse not to, how much he loves me and everything he'd do for me. He said he understood if we couldn't happen again, and while i’m hurt i care for him and want to be with him so i accepted him back. i’m upset and he knows that it’ll take a bit of time for me to feel safe, he knows this and he accepts it. i've asked him of him some things to help in the process. (reassurance and if he could write me a letter) but i know he’s still struggling with feeling like a failure in many areas and it’s causing him a lot of stress. i’m trying to give him space, is there anything else i can do? for him and for myself, thank you.

 

[Hypnalis]

Your natural mode of communication is not "Aspie-friendly".

 

[taquitolover]

Your natural mode of communication is not "Aspie-friendly".

What can I do/what can I change? thank you

 

[Hypnalis]

This isn't a simple question.

A useful answer can't be formulated without information based on informed participation on your side, which in itself would require considerable effort from both of us.

For now, I'll pass, but I'll watch the thread.

 

[taquitolover]

This isn't a simple question.

A useful answer can't be formulated without information based on informed participation on your side, which in itself would require considerable effort from both of us.

For now, I'll pass, but I'll watch the thread.

makes sense

 

[Raggamuffin]

Why did him staring at other women make you feel uncomfortable? Did him looking at women make your inner critic go off on an internal rant? Did you feel unworthy or unloveable? Did you assume he liked these people more than you?

I just wonder what it triggered in you, and if that's more a reflection on your own inner issues rather than a problem with him? Looking at people doesn't mean anything is going to happen. You can be in a relationship and look at people. I stare at people all the time, whether in a relationship or single. Doesn't mean anything has ever happened.

If he's struggling with prolonged stress he should look into autistic and ADHD burnout and see if he has the symptoms. This is something we can experience and burnout can last a long time. For me it's been years, and a relationship will potentially add to that if there's arguments etc. Plus burnout is a mind/body call for self-care. Would you say your boyfriend is a people pleaser? You say he's the most amazing person you've met. In what ways? Does he go above and beyond to please/help you compared to others you've dated?

Him saying his fatigue means he can't love/commit to you fully would suggest perhaps he's gone all out in the relationship and exhaustion has set in. I've been in several relationships during a prolonged burnout and it adds to emotional fatigue.

Breaking up then asking you to take him back 2 hours later shows indecision and rash thinking. Could be attributed to the ADHD - but the reality is you need to talk calmly and openly about what led him to that point. See what can be done to assist and verbalise his inner issues.

I recommend (as I have with a lot recently) that you and him look up Gabor Maté on Youtube. You said he says he feels like a failure a lot. This would indicate something rooted in the past that needs healing and resolving. I carry childhood trauma of feeling unworthy and unloveable. It's tainted every relationship, led to constant people pleasing, chronic fatigue, difficulty saying no, and constantly feeling like I'm not good enough.

How's his relationship with his parents growing up?

Anyway, that's just my opinion on the matter. But to me it sounds like he should look into autistic burnout, and the root of where him not feeling good enough comes from.

All the best.

Ed

 

[taquitolover]

Qhy did him staring at other women make you feel uncomfortable? Did him looking at women make your inner critic go off on an internal rant? Did you feel unworthy or unloveable? Did you assume he liked these people more than you?

I just wonder what it triggered in you, and if that's more a reflection on your own inner issues rather than a prob

Why did him staring at other women make you feel uncomfortable? Did him looking at women make your inner critic go off on an internal rant? Did you feel unworthy or unloveable? Did you assume he liked these people more than you?

I just wonder what it triggered in you, and if that's more a reflection on your own inner issues rather than a problem with him? Looking at people doesn't mean anything is going to happen. You can be in a relationship and look at people. I stare at people all the time, whether in a relationship or single. Doesn't mean anything has ever happened.

If he's struggling with prolonged stress he should look into autistic and ADHD burnout and see if he has the symptoms. This is something we can experience and burnout can last a long time. For me it's been years, and a relationship will potentially add to that if there's arguments etc. Plus burnout is a mind/body call for self-care. Would you say your boyfriend is a people pleaser? You say he's the most amazing person you've met. In what ways? Does he go above and beyond to please/help you compared to others you've dated?

Him saying his fatigue means he can't love/commit to you fully would suggest perhaps he's gone all out in the relationship and exhaustion has set in. I've been in several relationships during a prolonged burnout and it adds to emotional fatigue.

Breaking up then asking you to take him back 2 hours later shows indecision and rash thinking. Could be attributed to the ADHD - but the reality is you need to talk calmly and openly about what led him to that point. See what can be done to assist and verbalise his inner issues.

I recommend (as I have with a lot recently) that you and him look up Gabor Maté on Youtube. You said he says he feels like a failure a lot. This would indicate something rooted in the past that needs healing and resolving. I carry childhood trauma of feeling unworthy and unloveable. It's tainted every relationship, led to constant people pleasing, chronic fatigue, difficulty saying no, and constantly feeling like I'm not good enough.

How's his relationship with his parents growing up?

Anyway, that's just my opinion on the matter. But to me it sounds like he should look into autistic burnout, and the root of where him not feeling good enough comes from.

All the best.

Ed

Hi and thank you for responding. Yes staring at other people sets off the inner critic I will admit, and when we initially spoke about it I came to the conclusion that looking at others isn't a big deal, it is something normal that happens... my problem was that he would stare for prolonged periods of times, and yes this stressed me out as i felt i had to compete in terms of being pretty/interesting. after we spoke of this, he talked me through what goes through his head and it made me feel much better on my end I told him I understood and was genuinely okay with moving on.

I would say my boyfriend is a people pleaser, definitely. his relationship with his parents i wouldn't say is good. He still lives at home and they have constantly made him feel like a failure, the night we broke up before he came to my house he had a breakdown where he later admitted to me he felt suicidal as well. his parents were more concerned with the furniture he wrote his feelings on rather than how he actually felt. he later came over to my house. The reason I say he's the most amazing person i've ever met is because I love the time we spend together, we can be ourselves around each other and I love listening about his day and the things that make him happy. he's a caring person and always wants to make time for his friends.

I've forgiven him, my healing I guess lacks from the low self esteem I now have because of this, but I can't imagine he's feeling awful... I see him today, I hope to help make things better.

 

[Raggamuffin]

Definitely look up Gabor Maté it'll be invaluable for both of you. Childhood trauma follows us through life. People pleasing, feeling unworthy etc. This all has it's roots in our upbringing.

I'm currently starting EMDR to help tackle this unresolved childhood trauma

His books are highly insightful. As are his talks online. There are many. Hugely beneficial to everyone.

Also, what's worth noting is trauma mimics ADHD and Autistic traits. My current therapist and last therapist mentioned a lot of my struggles are likely the cause of unresolved trauma.

Another tip - Audible. Gabor's latest book is on there The Myth of Normal. First 24 or 5 chapters are about the how/why. The rest of the book is how to start to heal.

You can sign up for 30 day free trial and get the book for free. I recommend it. In fact, I've recommended it to so many people. It took him 10 years to write and was published late last year.

As for living with parents. I am back with mine at the moment and it has greatly triggered me. It's difficult being around people where this trauma keeps getting rekindled.

When you worry about him staring at other people. I'd imagine the feelings you get are raw. Panic, upset, sadness, anger, overwhelm. This is because the brain hasn't processed the trauma from your past. Because it hasn't processed it, when you encounter a trigger in the present - your brain goes back to the past trauma and you feel it just as raw and intense as the day it happened. I asked my therapist yesterday if that's the reason sometimes I talk about things and it hits a nerve. A nerve where my voice falters, I can't keep my composure, and then I burst into tears. She said that this is the trauma. And that is what must be healed. Or else it haunts us through life and drives us towards addictive behaviours in order to try and self-soothe.

One thing that really resonated with me in his latest book is that healing is a direction, not a destination. We can't approach this wanting to be cured - instead we must realise this is a continual journey. A journey towards rediscovering our authentic self. Being a people pleaser is exhausting. Feeling artificial guilt for saying "no" isn't healthy. But constantly saying yes makes inner resentment and fatigue grow. Holding onto these negative feelings like anger, hurt, stress, mistrust, jealousy etc. literally poisons our body.

Remember as well that a relationship is 2 halves. You are only responsible for you - your half. We can't fix each other's problems. But in a relationship we should be there to support the other person so that they can address their problems.

With time, patience, love and attentiveness - I'm sure your relationship can be stronger from this event.

You'll get there.

All the best.

Ed

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

We tend to take and amplify criticism in our minds. Understand that his staring may not have been done with lustful intent. You did not say wherher or not you were accusatory when you brought up his behavior. He may have felt that way whether or not you intended it. To have emotional conversations you also need to make him feel secure. My spouse has mastered that.

 

[taquitolover]

Definitely look up Gabor Maté it'll be invaluable for both of you. Childhood trauma follows us through life. People pleasing, feeling unworthy etc. This all has it's roots in our upbringing.

I'm currently starting EMDR to help tackle this unresolved childhood trauma

His books are highly insightful. As are his talks online. There are many. Hugely beneficial to everyone.

Also, what's worth noting is trauma mimics ADHD and Autistic traits. My current therapist and last therapist mentioned a lot of my struggles are likely the cause of unresolved trauma.

Another tip - Audible. Gabor's latest book is on there The Myth of Normal. First 24 or 5 chapters are about the how/why. The rest of the book is how to start to heal.

You can sign up for 30 day free trial and get the book for free. I recommend it. In fact, I've recommended it to so many people. It took him 10 years to write and was published late last year.

As for living with parents. I am back with mine at the moment and it has greatly triggered me. It's difficult being around people where this trauma keeps getting rekindled.

When you worry about him staring at other people. I'd imagine the feelings you get are raw. Panic, upset, sadness, anger, overwhelm. This is because the brain hasn't processed the trauma from your past. Because it hasn't processed it, when you encounter a trigger in the present - your brain goes back to the past trauma and you feel it just as raw and intense as the day it happened. I asked my therapist yesterday if that's the reason sometimes I talk about things and it hits a nerve. A nerve where my voice falters, I can't keep my composure, and then I burst into tears. She said that this is the trauma. And that is what must be healed. Or else it haunts us through life and drives us towards addictive behaviours in order to try and self-soothe.

One thing that really resonated with me in his latest book is that healing is a direction, not a destination. We can't approach this wanting to be cured - instead we must realise this is a continual journey. A journey towards rediscovering our authentic self. Being a people pleaser is exhausting. Feeling artificial guilt for saying "no" isn't healthy. But constantly saying yes makes inner resentment and fatigue grow. Holding onto these negative feelings like anger, hurt, stress, mistrust, jealousy etc. literally poisons our body.

Remember as well that a relationship is 2 halves. You are only responsible for you - your half. We can't fix each other's problems. But in a relationship we should be there to support the other person so that they can address their problems.

With time, patience, love and attentiveness - I'm sure your relationship can be stronger from this event.

You'll get there.

All the best.

Ed

thank you so much. i will look into these resources and do my best to support him if he needs me there, he deserves all the love and care in the world

i will also use this time to work on my own feelings, i am going to therapy

 

[taquitolover]

We tend to take and amplify criticism in our minds. Understand that his staring may not have been done with lustful intent. You did not say wherher or not you were accusatory when you brought up his behavior. He may have felt that way whether or not you intended it. To have emotional conversations you also need to make him feel secure. My spouse has mastered that.

we spoke about it and he said there is lustful intent but not much far that and i believe him. usually when i bring up my concerns i try not to be accusatory and I use “i” statements and more about what we can do together to both feel good. but this is really good advice thank you

 

[1ForAll]

Hello everyone. I am not on the spectrum, my boyfriend is, so i hope it is okay to post here and ask for some insight and advice.
i don’t know if this has any importance but my boyfriend has ASD, ADHD and OCD. my boyfriend and i have been together for 6 months and we’ve always had good communication and have been good listeners to each other. recently we had our first emotional conversation. i brought up a lot of pent up emotion/hurt over the times he’s stared at other women in my company. it was in the back of my mind and the back of his too apparently, so there were a lot of tears especially on his part. he feels really awful about it, really really awful.. now that we’ve talked about it, I’ve forgiven him, because he’s the most amazing person I’ve ever met and i’m so happy with him, this wasn’t something worth breaking up for me, especially since i know he’s someone that genuinely cares and loves me (he shows me in so many ways). I could tell this was eating at him though and i feel this has tanked his confidence as a boyfriend. however, a few days ago, it seems he got overwhelmed. and he was exhausted. he felt this meant he couldn’t fully love, couldn’t fully commit and he thought he was hurting me/ would hurt me, so he broke up with me and said something he couldn't take back. i was really hurt, of course, but after he dropped me off he texted me two hours later asking for forgiveness and for me to take him back. he said he realized he was scared, that he'd get tired of fighting and make a mistake but that it wasn’t an excuse not to, how much he loves me and everything he'd do for me. He said he understood if we couldn't happen again, and while i’m hurt i care for him and want to be with him so i accepted him back. i’m upset and he knows that it’ll take a bit of time for me to feel safe, he knows this and he accepts it. i've asked him of him some things to help in the process. (reassurance and if he could write me a letter) but i know he’s still struggling with feeling like a failure in many areas and it’s causing him a lot of stress. i’m trying to give him space, is there anything else i can do? for him and for myself, thank you.

Hello. Did your boyfriend say specifically why he looked intensely at others? And is it at their eyes he is looking at or elsewhere on their body? From what I understand, contrary to stereotypes of Autistics having averted eyes, it is not necessarily a rare thing to stare. I mean the Autistic may not be aware of typical eye contact etiquette for neurotypicals (some glancing away and more softened eyes or changing eye expressions is often more acceptable to NT's). They may assume good eye contact means staring and not looking away.

Or perhaps your boyfriend is just trying to learn more about socially appropriate behavior or to understand something else about those others around him or because of some fixation on details or is intrigued by something about them. Regardless, unless he is flirting with others I see it as no reason for him to apologize much or for you to be too upset, if it was like one of the things I mentioned. THink of it as a learning opportunity for you both. Focus more on the good things about each other and in understanding each other more.

Try not to make things bigger than they are, if that is who he is or if he just did not know that he was coming across as socially improper. The more you push it or play victim, the more he likely will back away, if he truly cares for you more than them, but feel you do not understand that he meant no harm. Hopefully, if he indeed was staring too much, he will learn from what you said and from the feelings you showed, and try to see if he can come to some compromise there, by explaining why he specifically does such, by trying to alter that a bit, or by making you feel more secure by stating it does not mean a less desire for you, if that is the case or can occur.

 

[taquitolover]

Hello. Did your boyfriend say specifically why he looked intensely at others? And is it at their eyes he is looking at or elsewhere on their body? From what I understand, contrary to stereotypes of Autistics having averted eyes, it is not necessarily a rare thing to stare. I mean the Autistic may not be aware of typical eye contact etiquette for neurotypicals (some glancing away and more softened eyes or changing eye expressions is often more acceptable to NT's). They may assume good eye contact means staring and not looking away.

Or perhaps your boyfriend is just trying to learn more about socially appropriate behavior or to understand something else about those others around him or because of some fixation on details or is intrigued by something about them. Regardless, unless he is flirting with others I see it as no reason for him to apologize much or for you to be too upset, if it was like one of the things I mentioned. THink of it as a learning opportunity for you both. Focus more on the good things about each other and in understanding each other more.

Try not to make things bigger than they are, if that is who he is or if he just did not know that he was coming across as socially improper. The more you push it or play victim, the more he likely will back away, if he truly cares for you more than them, but feel you do not understand that he meant no harm.

i openly admit i really did assume the worst when it was first brought up. a lot of pent up and regressed emotion within me… (he knows this everything i am sharing he knows already!) he walked me through what happened in his brain and also helped me understand why the staring.. he does it because he finds them attractive, however i know now that doesn’t mean less love for me or that he finds me any less attractive or that he wants someone else. one of the reasons for breaking up was he thought a part of him wanted to have sex with multiple other people and i said i wasn’t comfortable with an open relationship like that and he didn’t ask me to have one but when he messaged me he said that he didn’t want to give up what we had over something like that… i will work on my insecurity and do what i can to support and be helpful

 

[1ForAll]

i openly admit i really did assume the worst when it was first brought up. a lot of pent up and regressed emotion within me… (he knows this everything i am sharing he knows already!) he walked me through what happened in his brain and also helped me understand why the staring.. he does it because he finds them attractive, however i know now that doesn’t mean less love for me or that he finds me any less attractive or that he wants someone else. one of the reasons for breaking up was he thought a part of him wanted to have sex with multiple other people and i said i wasn’t comfortable with an open relationship like that and he didn’t ask me to have one but when he messaged me he said that he didn’t want to give up what we had over something like that… i will work on my insecurity and do what i can to support and be helpful

I understand more now, thanks. Well, in that case, I feel you had a right to worry some based on what you said now. He does seem like he is trying to work through that, and you are as well. I will be wishing you both the best there. It's good you both are being honest about things. That will help the relationship or determine what is best for you both.

 

[taquitolover]

I understand more now, thanks. Well, in that case, I feel you had a right to worry some based on what you said now. He does seem like he is trying to work through that, and you are as well. I will be wishing you both the best there. It's good you both are being honest about things. That will help the relationship or determine what is best for you both.

thank you, despite this we have spoken about how we are grateful to be able to be honest with one another

 

[Lysholm]

Time to confront the truth: you are going to have to train him.

Some autistic guys simply need training to remediate their social blind spots and make them great partner material. Yeah, you're gonna feel like his mommy sometimes. But you have no idea how autistic guys are treated on a regular basis. If you offer support and direction while giving him social acceptance and physical affection it's probably the best offer he'll ever get.

If it weren't for my wife training me I would have self-destructed a long time ago. It took her effort and time, but I'm always doing cute things for her, I make her favorite foods often, and in the bedroom I work on that thang like a ship in a bottle. She loves her life and our relationship and is verbal about this often.

I still look at butts and boobs. And my wife is fine with this because my obsession with butts and boobs is directly related to why I'm obsessed with her. And let's get real for a second - autistic guys are notorious for having zero luck with women. If he's like most autistic guys the odds he'll casually fall into a relationship with another random woman are slim to none.

I know you're feeling insecure and confused. But your confidence and decisiveness is what will make or break this relationship. Autistic dudes are prone to taking submissive social roles, and you'll have to give support and direction to help him become the man you need. Along the way he will say random, stupid, and insensitive things. But, almost always, these will be a translation error because he missed a social cue or didn't understand the context. These mostly disappear with enough time and effort.

 

[taquitolover]

Time to confront the truth: you are going to have to train him.

Some autistic guys simply need training to remediate their social blind spots and make them great partner material. Yeah, you're gonna feel like his mommy sometimes. But you have no idea how autistic guys are treated on a regular basis. If you offer support and direction while giving him social acceptance and physical affection it's probably the best offer he'll ever get.

If it weren't for my wife training me I would have self-destructed a long time ago. It took her effort and time, but I'm always doing cute things for her, I make her favorite foods often, and in the bedroom I work on that thang like a ship in a bottle. She loves her life and our relationship and is verbal about this often.

I still look at butts and boobs. And my wife is fine with this because my obsession with butts and boobs is directly related to why I'm obsessed with her. And let's get real for a second - autistic guys are notorious for having zero luck with women. If he's like most autistic guys the odds he'll casually fall into a relationship with another random woman are slim to none.

I know you're feeling insecure and confused. But your confidence and decisiveness is what will make or break this relationship. Autistic dudes are prone to taking submissive social roles, and you'll have to give support and direction to help him become the man you need. Along the way he will say random, stupid, and insensitive things. But, almost always, these will be a translation error because he missed a social cue or didn't understand the context. These mostly disappear with enough time and effort.

we spoke about this and he said when it happens he wants some direction! like a signal he’s doing it and to redirect his attention, and i said i would. thank you this is great advice and it helped me feel better because last thing i’d want to do is overstep boundaries and feel like i am infantilizing him against his will.

 

[Rodafina]

Have you heard that autistics typically choose clarity, sometimes to the point where it sounds very blunt? Well here comes some bluntness, take it with as many grains of salt as you like. Six months is not very long. During this time it is common for infatuation and idealization to develop. Now you’re starting to really get to know each other and understand each other‘s communication style.

If you spend enough time on the forum and read through the threads, you will see that ND/NT relationships take a substantial amount of work, understanding, and compromise on both sides. There is no magic key that you will be able to use because we are each unique and every experience we have had in lives will turn us into very different people from one another.

It sounds like you are very introspective and learn things about yourself quickly. A people pleaser who does not work in that fashion and is trying to keep up can easily get burnt out.

Understanding autism and autistic points of you may be helpful, but understanding the unique individuals before you will be much more helpful.
In other words, there are so many variables that only you and your boyfriend are aware of. The fact that he is neurodivergent is only one small piece of the puzzle here.

 

[Rodafina]

Time to confront the truth: you are going to have to train him.

Clearly, this has worked for you, @Lysholm, so I won’t argue against the idea entirely, but I would like to add if “training” is happening, then it should certainly be happening both ways. Autists are constantly expected to operate in a neurotypical way, and in a relationship it really should be 50-50.

 

[taquitolover]

Clearly, this has worked for you, @Lysholm, so I won’t argue against the idea entirely, but I would like to add if “training” is happening, then it should certainly be happening both ways. Autists are constantly expected to operate in a neurotypical way, and in a relationship it really should be 50-50.

definitely agree!