Boundaries

[SimonSays]

I think it may be an Asperger thing, but I've always had a problem with boundaries, and not being able to reveal them.

So here is an example of something that happened today.

I live in a shared house, five of us share two fridge/freezers. It's not all that fairly divided because people were here first and have their things in place. I have enough fridge space, and ended up acquiring one of the four drawers in one of the freezers. Sometimes it's fuller than other times, but it's nice to know I can buy something spontaneously and put it in. Today, I go to take something out and it's full of someone else's stuff. They needed somewhere to put it, but it felt like an invasion of my boundaries, like it's a personal attack on me and my space.

I don't do anything about it because I know it isn't. But it doesn't stop me feeling like that, and I have to process it a while to first of all not react to the moment, to get something changed. Then, to realise that I didn't have much in there, and whomever put something in there hadn't anywhere else to put it. Why should I take it so personally as if it is my space when it is shared space? Everybody else has everywhere else though. I suspect that whoever put those things there was the latest person in who has no real space at all. So it's right that I let it go and not see it as a boundary issue or let it fester as if I'm being personally attacked, even though the feeling is there nevertheless.

So I'm wondering if it is an Asperger thing. I have heard other people talk about boundaries and so I suspect it is and perhaps it will always be something that bothers me, but I have a choice as to how I act upon that bothering. Whether I react. Whether I act at all. Whether I accept it is so minor and trivial in the grand scheme of things that I don't have to do anything about it. Because the reality is how has it affected me?

I wasn't expecting to find things in my draw and yet what difference did it make? It doesn't stop me using my things. It doesn't stop me having my things in there. Nobody will use my things because they'll get confused with what was theirs and what wasn’t, so there's really no reason for me to be affected by discovering stuff in that particular drawer when there was no room for them to put them anywhere else.

I see there's a sense of self-importance in thinking that this is “mine’’, and I have noticed that I do need a feeling of “this is my… whatever”. I've had it ever since I was a kid, and it could explain why it wasn't easy for me to be with other children.

I looked after my things and valued them and cherished them and kept them in good order and put them away in their box or their bag or their package, when other people used my things they didn’t, they would scratch them, make them dirty or even break them, because they were careless and thoughtless and it wasn't theirs. And it may have been that they did the same thing to their own stuff; they didn't care and so they treated my stuff like they would their own, not realising how much it mattered to me.

It became easier for me to deal with these issues by not sharing my things so that they were always where I left them, in the state that I left them in, and knew that they would last as long as possible, even longer in some cases because I'm okay with adapting to failing things, by being creative in how I deal with it.

For example, my laptop keyboard has been failing for a long time; many keys don't work properly. But I got round that by putting in dictation software that can also transcribe things that I’ve recorded, bypassing the keyboard altogether.

The laptop is nearly 10 years old, but everything else works fine and it feels wrong to simply discard it for something that would be quite expensive to replace. It does need replacing, but I'm okay adapting. I like having to overcome issues and figure things out even if it can take me time to have the idea.

When I first got my camper van, it took me almost 6 months before the idea of putting a solar panel on the roof occurred to me and yet without it, I could never have lived in it when I had to.

So it's interesting that still I get affected by somebody breaching what I feel are my boundaries. There is a part of me that understands that it doesn't have to be seen that way. It doesn't have to be acted on. It doesn't have to be sorted out or solved. I don't have to bring them into my world, where they have to take me seriously and attempt to accommodate what it is I'm trying to get across.

In my experience, for the most part, if I do, it doesn't come out in the way I was expecting it to, and they don't react to it in the way I was hoping they would, and the situation between us could now deteriorate over what is essentially meaningless.

 

[OkRad]

You are striving to be like a Buddhist monk and when you fail, you are so hard on yourself. No, it is not Aspie to want your space and things safe.

You are a noble soul. They really don't come around often. You will always struggle because you strive to be Light in Darkness and understand the darkness.

You have no choice to be Light. It is who you are. And you will NEVER understand the darkness.

Aspies are truly good souls perplexed at the wrongness and lies and darkness all around. I know there are bad aspies but in a room of 1000 you might find one bad one. And that one bad one was probably so traumatized.

There should be Aspie Only Housing to solve the difficulties you describe.

Till then, could you get your own little fridge? That really helped me a lot. And a USB keyboard can help with the other issue........

Your struggles are the struggles of the philosophers......Don't capitulate.

 

[Aspychata]

Just my thought. They have cheap mini fridges you can install in your bedroom. If your meals are a big part of your day, then this is a nobrainer. I tried house sharing but it always felt invasive. No matter how much it costs, l need my solitary space.

 

[SimonSays]

You are striving to be like a Buddhist monk and when you fail, you are so hard on yourself.

You are right.

No, it is not Aspie to want your space and things safe.

But is it an Aspie thing to not reveal my need for it?

See, you are a noble soul. They really don't come around often. You will always struggle because you strive to be Light in Darkness and understand the darkness.

You have no choice to be Light. It is who you are.

There should be Aspie Only Housing to solve the difficulties you describe.

Yes. I would put my name straight on the waiting list!

 

[GadAbout]

This has nothing to do with nobility, imho. Aspies know darn well they are lacking in social skills and that definitely includes confrontations or asserting one's rights and boundaries. So you can rationalize all you want whether this is a major or minor issue, whether the perpetrator had anywhere else to put stuff, etc., but I'm convinced that you are just lacking in assertiveness skills and experience with good outcomes from assertiveness. The (largely unconscious) motivation goes like this: "If I say anything, it might go horribly wrong and then a small thing will turn in to a major thing, I'll be forced to move out and I'll be homeless. So I'm keeping my mouth shut."

 

[SimonSays]

I'm convinced that you are just lacking in assertiveness skills and experience with good outcomes from assertiveness

I think you are right. I don't speak in this house. Nobody talks to me. I have my earplugs in and keep to myself. But asserting myself has always been an issue for me. I was bullied a lot as a boy.

 

[Aspychata]

I think you are right. I don't speak in this house. Nobody talks to me. I have my earplugs in and keep to myself. But asserting myself has always been an issue for me. I was bullied a lot as a boy.

This is a whole website in itself. Being assertive. I am speaking up for myself. It has been tough. But it does work. Think one aspect is to know you are coming from where? Are you coming from fear? First you need to acknowledge this and realize this clouds your thinking. It affects your outcomes. Then you will feel more accepting about yourself. Can you possibly move to a place with less roommates? Can you find a barter situation? l shop and clean for 10 hours a week for use of a bedroom or drive you to errands weekly? Some people just want lite housekeeping. Maybe rent a house yourself and pick out your roommates.

 

[unperson]

Put your name on the fridge shelf and the freezer drawer, it'll need to be waterproof.

 

[OkRad]

I Have never found assertiveness useful. And I was even in classes for it. If it is not n your nature, it's not in your nature. Saying that it is is as bad as telling someone who is X to be Y in anything. It is not a weakness to keep your mouth shut. Never let anyone tell you that your motives are what they think if they are not. If they are right, that is perfectly ok because they have enlightened you. But I have been bullied into admitting things that were not true because I could not stand up to them because I was not assertive. Then when I was, and said No, that is not true.....I was hit. Quite the pattern.

 

[Fino]

I know how you feel. I hate being having to be assertive. When I first started teaching piano, I had trouble with the younger children because I wasn't assertive enough to control their wild behavior. Luckily, we can definitely improve at this sort of thing! It's just rather painful is all.

 

[VictorR]

One year in college, I was sharing a two bedroom flat with an international student. I was studying in my room, with the door closed but not shut which we had agreed upon would mean "I'm in my room and would prefer to be alone but you can knock and come in if you'd like to talk."

He has a guest over and he's got a rice cooker going. It looks like he's inviting the guest to stay for lunch, but he quickly realizes he doesn't have anything to go with the rice. I hear him chatting as he pokes around the pantry (which I have stocked with various tinned food), and he ends up settling on one and remarks "I guess we'll give this a try" and next thing I hear is a can opener.

Just like in your situation, I didn't know what to say. It wasn't a money thing as he was well to do in that regard. I wasn't sure if perhaps it was a cultural thing where perhaps he thought that everything in the common areas was sharable. I was concerned that if I called him out that he might lose face. I ended up staying in my room until after he and his guest finished lunch and left.

When I mentioned the story in passing later on, everyone seemed surprised that I said/did nothing.

 

[SimonSays]

When I mentioned the story in passing later on, everyone seemed surprised that I said/did nothing.

It is strange that we do or don't do things at the time that sort of seem obvious to others afterwards.

Yes, it seems a clear breach of...something, and yet he seemed to feel it was perfectly acceptable and even made sure you knew he was taking it so there was no attempt at hiding or deception. And I suppose if he did that on a regular basis (I assume this was a one-off) it may have resulted in having to say something.

Perhaps he felt comfortable enough with you not to have to ask in front of his friend (face saving action in not having to) and in his world the tiny cost of the item, even though it was not his to take, was trivial. And as you never said anything, this confirmed he had done the right thing, even though the reality was, he hadn't.

It was just a can of food. Meaningless in so many ways. And yet it affects us.

It is a boundary issue, and yet if we say nothing, in a sense, it isn't. We are giving them permission by condoning the action through our silence. I really didn't/don't want to be bothered by such trivial things. It is a kind of masking, because it does bother me, but I don't want to show that it does. I want to find my way to not be bothered. I will, and then at some point when I can, move something to another drawer if I see there is room...a passive act of taking my space back.

 

[Aspychata]

This needs to be decided on at the time you are roommates. Some have very strict rules, some are more friendsey talkative and are less uptight. It depends on if informal college or traditional borders. It depends on age and circumstances. Think most of us prefer to be alone. I went from border to living in with a guy to marriage.