Best friend is an aspie....how do I be the kind of friend she needs?

[AlishiaJ]

So I'm not on the spectrum, but my best friend is - she has Asperger's Syndrome - and I'm wanting to understand her better...and in need of advice. She's my best friend and I love her so much, but she is very clingy - and insecure...which I know is typical of people with Asperger's. She freaks out very easily - if I take awhile to text her back (unless I've forewarned her that I'm busy) she'll panic - and she gets jealous if I spend time with one of my other friends. She has a huge heart though - she's helped my boyfriend and I out so much, and always makes me feel special. But I really want to do what I can to help her overcome her insecurity? Or is that just part of her having Asperger's that I need to accept and deal with?? she's 29 and I'm 19 and it kills me to hear about the hurt she's gone through in her life...it's always been just a little harder for her to make friends - this is going to sound bad, but she's said herself that she can be very annoying without realizing it, or come across as rude without intending it. In her 29 years I'm the only friend she's had so far that has stuck around, because I guess most people don't understand Asperger's. So I guess it would be only natural that she'd be clingy....but I'm looking for advice hopefully from people who have Asperger's or who understand it better? How do I convince her that I'm not going anywhere - and that I really do love her? How do I be a good friend? Thanks.

 

[buckyboy14]

It's great that you're making a real effort to be friends with someone with Aspergers; that means so much to us. One of the things that you mentioned to which I can relate is the jealousy when you spend time with other friends. This cost me a friend in elementary school. The reason I was jealous, and it could be why she is jealous, is because this friend was all I had, and I was worried that if he talked to other friends, he would end up condemning me. Let her know that just because you have other friends doesn't mean you would leave her as a friend.

Being insecure is often a part of Aspergers. It's usually because we've been the target of bullying our whole lives, and we lack a lot of self-confidence because of that. There are things about people with Aspergers that they can change, and there are some things to which you simply have to adapt, because that's just how we are. I think this might fall into the latter category. Just be a good, caring person who is willing to listen to her; be there for her when she needs someone to talk to, and reassure her when she gets nervous. Of course, I don't know this person, but it's what I would look for in a friend.

 

[Soup]

Good for you for being a true friend to this woman. While some Aspies are clingy & insecure, there are many of us who are very solitary & quite confident. I fall into the latter group. Some can even be condescending & conceited (some who are true maths/science wizards).

Continue reassuring her at times when she feels insecure BUT don't tip-toe & cater to her until YOU feel like the friendship is becoming too one-sided or overwhelming for you. If you do, you'll wind up distancing yourself or leaving the friendship thus confirming her fears.

Find activities you can do together that are comfortable for her to participate in AND that you also enjoy since you may find that she likes to do the same types of things over & over. That is why it really has to be something you enjoy doing too.

Be a keen listener. Many people lack the patience or skills to really listen to someone else. She may have challenges in the area of communication/social relations so she might not be able to repeat herself 4 times or repeat what she's saying in a bunch of different ways to make you understand.

Don't assume you know what she wants, likes or would enjoy doing & don't spontaneously invite unfamiliar people or change plans with her. Best course of action: ASK her how she feels about whatever change you're thinking about making. This is common sense & applies to most friends whether Aspies or NTs like yourself. The difference lies in the way an Aspie might react to an unexpected change or new person.

Good luck with your friendship & update us occasionally as to how things are progressing.

 

[Geordie]

As a friend, the three guiding principles I have with a friend (regardless of s/he being Aspie or not) are:

Acceptance - I accept her for who s/he is

Care - I show her care and concern, all the time

Support - I support her, in woe and weal

The reason why we may be friends is because, we could have common interests, we may have common experiences, and we may have complementary sets of talents. Through prolonged positive exposure, there would be a higher probability that we can be friends.

I'll feel thankful whenever when I'm with most of my friends, that we're together, regardless of dire circumstances.

However, there are times that we cannot go on further as friends.

When we expect ourselves to do something together, but we fail to listen to each other, then I feel that there is no point continuing as friends. So far, I only had a few friends who just show the selfish trait, enough for me stop becoming friends, and they are really rare cases. Otherwise, I'm really friendly.

Hopefully you'll find support and some insights on Aspies Central.

And welcome to our forum. Have fun.

 

[total-recoil]

Much depends upon her particular personality issues. It's hard to answer but it does seem as if she's found a real friend in you and these days friends are hard to come by.
My experience has been I've encountered some really nice people who have made a genuine effort to be my friend. What made it difficult for me was they were opposite gender. I discover as the friendship develops, I find the situation more complex and become more clingy and insecure. I mean, usually always my friends are girls and they text with their problems and so on. However, sometimes I just withdraw completely. I jump ahead assuming it's going to become a relationship which will wind up with myself being kicked hard soon as someone else comes along. I know it sounds a bit crazy but something inside assumes nobody is going to want to hang out for too long with someone who's not really popular in a group. And so on...
Sometimes you may have to work around moods or feelings of isolation or other unknowns but hopefully in time your friendship will strengthen and develop. I mean, in my case I can't really blame my friends at all as I often think the main obstacle is myself. There are people who do their utmost to try and include me and somehow I often give them the cold shoulder. Really it's fear of rejection at the heart of it because as you say many aspies have had an awkward life and may be emotionally insecure.
Anyway you sould like a great friend and I'm sure you'll succeed.

So I'm not on the spectrum, but my best friend is - she has Asperger's Syndrome - and I'm wanting to understand her better...and in need of advice. She's my best friend and I love her so much, but she is very clingy - and insecure...which I know is typical of people with Asperger's. She freaks out very easily - if I take awhile to text her back (unless I've forewarned her that I'm busy) she'll panic - and she gets jealous if I spend time with one of my other friends. She has a huge heart though - she's helped my boyfriend and I out so much, and always makes me feel special. But I really want to do what I can to help her overcome her insecurity? Or is that just part of her having Asperger's that I need to accept and deal with?? she's 29 and I'm 19 and it kills me to hear about the hurt she's gone through in her life...it's always been just a little harder for her to make friends - this is going to sound bad, but she's said herself that she can be very annoying without realizing it, or come across as rude without intending it. In her 29 years I'm the only friend she's had so far that has stuck around, because I guess most people don't understand Asperger's. So I guess it would be only natural that she'd be clingy....but I'm looking for advice hopefully from people who have Asperger's or who understand it better? How do I convince her that I'm not going anywhere - and that I really do love her? How do I be a good friend? Thanks.

 

[AmyLeigh]

Hi Alishia!

I read your post and was compelled to reply because I'm in such a similar boat myself.
My best friend has just been diagnosed with Asperger's.
I'm 29 and she is 28 and we met at secondary school.
A few years ago I was you - starting to notice that my friend was getting clingy and insecure, and it got so bad I ended up ignoring her for about 3 months because I just couldn't cope with it, but now we are so close we are moving in together. I got her the diagnosis because despite the clingyness and irrational and annoying behaviours I saw the beautiful person underneath and I knew that there was something wrong that the doctors had overlooked. I thought it was ADD but that at least got us to a neurodevelopmental specialist who identified the Asperger's.

My advice to you is to stop trying to be a good friend to a person with Asperger's, just continue to love your friend. She will let you in and you will learn about her needs naturally. If you stress yourself out trying to do this and that because of the Asperger's it will take its tole on the friendship and she will blame herself.
She will be clingy but that's because she treasures the lovely non-judgemental and understanding person she has for a friend; think about how highly she thinks of you it's really nice if you think about it.
She will have irrational episodes but you both know they're irrational and she has just got worked up, let her cool off and reassure her you still love her and everything is fine.
Carry on being a friend - what you're doing is spot on. If sometimes you need some alone-time or want to see your other friends still do it. Don't compromise yourself. You will find it sweet that she gets jealous and she will learn that she doesn't need to be jealous.

Amy x