Being the eldest of 5 and having Aspergers, does not make a good recipe

[Suzanne]

As some of you know, I recently connected with my youngest sister and through chatting with her about our past, I felt a strange emotion, but typically could not explain it and this morning, it sort of came to me: I am the eldest, but do not feel emotionally able to be the eldest, which naturally, is bizarre since I cannot change that.

My new found sister, Tracy is more mature than me ( I don't feel uncomfortable about that aspect though) but she was defending our other sisters to the extent that I felt she was highly dismissive over my experiences of injustice with them ie they were young; they had no idea etc etc. So, due to my "status" in the "family", I am being held responsible for them all and that scares me, because of my own horrendeous issues that I contend with each day.

I want to say: stop please! I can't handle being placed in this responsible place!

I havea very toxic family and for my own welbeing, I need to distance myself emotionally ( physically, not a problem, since I live in a different country to them).

They, however have all met each other and shared their side of our history, but I am gathering from what Tracy says, their history of events does not tally up with my own, but my sister just says: I believe them. I didn't get the impression of them lying. Well, I am "wise" enough to know that if I pressed her, it would not go well, because that would be pitting myself against my other siblings, so decided to drop the subject.

It is shocking and distressing to find out that my youngest sister was actually sexually abused from around 2 to 3! I honestly thought I had got her out of the house, before the abuse took place and social workers said the same. She goes on to tell me, that her abuse was never acknowledged, due to a "lack of evidence". So, now she wants to have a book written about her and myself, because we are the only ones who did not receive justice and I love her reasoning: because I want it to come out in the light; rather than hidden, which has been for too long.


Tracy asked me: is not your mind blocked on events and was surprised when I said that they were very clear and explained, that unlike the siblings, I was called a liar and even to the point of saying that I was just jealous that they had been abused and not me, so the fact that it was me who contacted the authorities, I felt that my memories could be false and thus, made myself remember all the bad stuff, in order to stop the confusion in my head and why I can explain everything about the abuse and really, he abused us in the same manner, so since none of them have shared their ordeal and I have and it tallies up with theirs, is proof that it happened to me.

I used to suffer PTSD but I do believe I have got past that, since I can talk about things and do not collapse anymore.

 

[marc_101]

Sorry to hear that. It all sounds painful but it seems you have done a lot of work to leave the past in the past, which is many times the best place for the past to be. I don't mean recalling or even writing about it. I mean considering the past the past rather than letting affect your present.

Is there a chance it's you who places more responsibility on yourself?

I ask because family dynamics are unusual sometimes. I'm not the eldest but everybody in my family would say I am because I always took charge --handling my difficult mother and now money wise.

 

[Aspychata]

That is some very serious trauma to live thu, and you navigated and tried to protect your sisters. The aftermath is struggling to believe this really happened. My family never believed me, and would deny it to this day. You can't continue to feel guilt about this, you dealt with this the best you could. There is a distinct possibility that your sisters blocked these memories for reasons that may never be clear. I understand you may have been seeking clarity, but they may not be willing to face the reality of what happened. So sadly, it's like a spiritual wound that may never heal. You may need to make peace with these updates from your sister, and release yourself from any guilt that you weren't there for them.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I'm second oldest older brother passed a few years ago I was always the defacto leader.

 

[Mary Terry]

@Suzanne - I'm the oldest now, too, but I don't feel responsible for my siblings now or in the past when we were all children together. My siblings are grown up adults and the awful stuff done to us as children didn't come from me. I was a victim like they were. I place the blame squarely on our father and, to a lesser extent, on our mother because she did not protect us from our father's abuse.

 

[AspieChris]

Last time I checked, myself and all of my siblings are adults. That makes me responsible for myself, and them responsible for themselves. We can still love eachother, but that doesn’t mean any one of us owes the others anything because of the order in which we were born.

 

[Suzanne]

Sorry to hear that. It all sounds painful but it seems you have done a lot of work to leave the past in the past, which is many times the best place for the past to be. I don't mean recalling or even writing about it. I mean considering the past the past rather than letting affect your present.

Is there a chance it's you who places more responsibility on yourself?

I ask because family dynamics are unusual sometimes. I'm not the eldest but everybody in my family would say I am because I always took charge --handling my difficult mother and now money wise.

You are so right! And that is why I have no longer got PTSD, because when I talk about the past, I know longer collapse or even get angry. I have not forgotten and it does catch me unawares at times, but I am able to pull myself back to the now.

I never thought it that way ie that it is me placing responsibility onto myself. I actually think that subconsciously I must be.

My second sister acts more the eldest than me lol she is the one who has the positive dynamics ie confidence air which makes her an appealing person to be around ( from other point of views). I personally dislike her personality very much and my youngest sister said that she can see why we clash, because of our opposite personalities but this was rather interesting: when I said that I can see myself in her, she was rather pleased and the other day, I said I could suddenly see our second eldest and her reaction was almost horror!

Anyway, thank you so much for your input.

 

[Suzanne]

That is some very serious trauma to live thu, and you navigated and tried to protect your sisters. The aftermath is struggling to believe this really happened. My family never believed me, and would deny it to this day. You can't continue to feel guilt about this, you dealt with this the best you could. There is a distinct possibility that your sisters blocked these memories for reasons that may never be clear. I understand you may have been seeking clarity, but they may not be willing to face the reality of what happened. So sadly, it's like a spiritual wound that may never heal. You may need to make peace with these updates from your sister, and release yourself from any guilt that you weren't there for them.

Yes, you are right and also I am sad that you also went through it!

Happily, guilt is not a sensation. I think it is more shock to discover my youngest did suffer abuse, but she herself tells me that it is hardly my fault, since I had left the environment to live with my gran ( gramps died and she was lonely), so when asked by the authorities was there any hint of abuse towards our youngest, I mentioned that I saw him pull up her skirt, as she was in his arms! And that I got her out just in time!

I actually feel that the second youngest should feel guilty. She is the one who did things on her own and has a very strong personality, but she ended up leaving the house and moving in with her boyfriend! Now, it has been said that she was escaping and I do not doubt that, but I know her cruel nature, so I know well, she left for selfish motives and even lied to the authorites about me, so that I was not believed.

I tried all I could to be there for my siblings. From trying to adopt both my third and fourth siblings. With my third, there was evidence that she was suddenly being cared for. She went to school with clean clothes; smelling nice and was regular in school and had proper food and that was both gran and my doing. However, the social workers refused to allow me to adopt her, due to not being mature enough. So, what happened instead? She was dragged from gran's bed by the social workers and taken to a foster care home, where - she was with a pedophile again! She already said she felt uncomfortable, but the did not listen. She got pregnant at a young age and miscarried! Oh the irony of it all!

My brother was thrown out of the foster care home and told to get work and only come back when he did. He was placed in a tiny room that was infested with crockroaches and people were actually doing their toilet openly on stairs! My husband and I insisted on him packing his clothes and to come to us. I even said to the man at the desk that he should be ashamed! But, once again, I was refused to adopt him.

And that is only a fraction of what happened.

Unfortunately, it is a common theme, that we are not believed by the other parent. They do not want to acknowledge that their partner could do such terrible things to the children, but what they failed to realise is that their support helps the victim to grow.

I know a mother who sided with her off spring and they are certainly better for it.

 

[Aspychata]

That was incredibly tough to read. You are a warrior. I truly don't think l could have survived going thru that.