1. Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

Featured Being judged

Discussion in 'Friends, Family & Social Skills' started by Moomin, Dec 12, 2018.

  1. Moomin

    Moomin “My servants never die!”

    Messages:
    263
    Joined:
    Nov 14, 2018
    Karma:
    +450
    I’m feeling very out of sort since yesterday. My sibling and I went further Christmas shopping, and I found that a little overwhelming. This is not a complaint about Christmas or Christmas shopping, I find it stressful but a lot of people do anyway. What really affected me was that the realization that I’m virtually socially awkward and isolating myself. Obviously, I know that this is down to my AS but it still doesn’t make this easier. I was wearing suitable clothing choices for the weather, plus I’m still sick, so chose to wear a hat. I look a bit stupid in a hat, but at least I was warm. I went into a shop to get some items for my parents, and felt very intimidated by the cashier. I can’t deal with people asking me something (very quickly in talking) and I don’t know if I’m perceiving it wrong (probable) but I felt that the cashier judged me and was like” what the fudge is wrong with her” when I turned to get my sibling to translate what the woman had said. It wouldn’t have bothered me near as much if it hadn’t have happened more than once in other shops, and then had it confirmed by my sibling that yes, I’m behaving in a way that others think is weird.

    I’m obviously out of practice because I could at least fake some form of “normal “ behavior albeit becoming highly drained afterwards. I feel very hurt by it. I don’t like to be judged. And yet, that happened. And now I’m stupidly over analyzing it all to see where I went wrong, but it’s all of it.
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 8
    • Like Like x 1
  2. Progster

    Progster Gone sideways to the sun V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    5,323
    Joined:
    Nov 23, 2014
    Karma:
    +11,103
    What exactly is it that they find strange - is it just the way you dress? If the cashier was rude to you for no good reason, I suppose you could make a complaint to the shop manager, but really, does it matter? I mean, you probably aren't going to see the cashier again, and you weren't hurting anybody, so there's nothing to feel bad about. It's they who have the problem, not you. Try to not think about it, put it behind you :)
     
    • Like Like x 3
    • Agree Agree x 2
  3. the_tortoise

    the_tortoise Lost Soul V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    1,892
    Joined:
    Nov 14, 2016
    Karma:
    +3,501
    There's nothing wrong with being weird -- being weird doesn't mean you are doing anything wrong.

    As @Progster said, if people are mean to you or look down on you for some noticeable difference, they have something to be ashamed of -- not you.
     
    • Agree Agree x 3
    • Like Like x 2
  4. Moomin

    Moomin “My servants never die!”

    Messages:
    263
    Joined:
    Nov 14, 2018
    Karma:
    +450
    I turned to my sibling after she had spoken very quickly regarding discounts if I’m under a certain age (here you can get special discount in certain shops if you’re below the age of 25) but for some reason, I didn’t process properly what she had said, so turned to my sibling for a translate.

    I’m obviously being pathetic about it. It’s just that it added to further anxiety, I’m out of serious practice and I’m prone to being over sensitive. Or at least that’s how I feel. Logically I know that it’s just one of those things, that that particular cashier thought it at the moment but afterwards not.
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 3
  5. the_tortoise

    the_tortoise Lost Soul V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    1,892
    Joined:
    Nov 14, 2016
    Karma:
    +3,501
    You're not being pathetic. It sucks to be judged, it can hurt a lot and be very anxiety-provoking (especially if you have been traumatized by experiences involving being judged or mistreated for being different/weird in the past).

    I just think it's good to remember that it's okay to be different/weird, and that it's not your fault when other people are judgy about harmless difference/weirdness.
     
    • Agree Agree x 4
    • Like Like x 2
  6. Progster

    Progster Gone sideways to the sun V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    5,323
    Joined:
    Nov 23, 2014
    Karma:
    +11,103
    No, you're not being pathetic - as @the_tortoise says it's horrible to feel that you are being judged and your reaction is understandable. Just remember that it's they who have a problem and not you, you have no reason to feel ashamed. You did nothing wrong and it's ok to be who you are. Try not to let it get you down.
     
    • Agree Agree x 3
    • Like Like x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  7. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    2,790
    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2018
    Karma:
    +7,108
    Strangers judge everyone - this person is weird, that person is a snob, the other is probably a thief and we need to watch them. Don't let a stranger mess up your day. It's okay to be weird and sometimes can be fun to be weird, so do it proudly. :) It used to bother me when my sister would shake her head in shame over something I did or said and it's very obvious. Now it just makes me want to do things just to embarrass her.
     
    • Like x 3
    • Agree x 1
    • Funny x 1
    • Winner x 1
    • Friendly x 1
  8. NothingToSeeHere

    NothingToSeeHere Asexuowl V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    1,158
    Joined:
    Sep 5, 2014
    Karma:
    +2,111
    If you needed your sister to translate the cashier probably assumed you either were deaf or that English wasn't you first language, and then most likely forgot all about it as soon as they served another customer and then never thought about you again.

    Remember that no one cares how you look, dress or behave anywhere near as much as you do.

    There's a good chance that any sense you have of being judged is simply you judging yourself and projecting that onto the people around you. That doesn't mean that you're distress over this is invalid, but it's something to keep in mind in future.
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Informative Informative x 1
  9. Mia

    Mia Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    5,774
    Joined:
    May 27, 2015
    Karma:
    +13,608
    Encounter all kinds of people, who have their own problems. And, they often take them out on the general public. Everyone is having a good or a bad day or something in between. It used to bother me a lot, as if it were personal, but very often I don't think it is. You just happen to be in front of them at a time when they decide it's safe to do so.

    Used to trust that my older sister was the one who knew everything, and she did judge how I acted or was from her own point of view. But she was often wrong, and the situation had little to do with me. So on occasion I would watch other people first and see how they were treated and began to realize that it was not uncommon to be treated that way by a certain type of personality.

    One in particular seemed to no longer work in that place, after awhile. So, I was not the only one who felt that way. She either quit or was fired, when people complained about her.
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Informative Informative x 1
  10. Moomin

    Moomin “My servants never die!”

    Messages:
    263
    Joined:
    Nov 14, 2018
    Karma:
    +450
    It’s highly likely that I’m more hurt by the fact that my sibling actually did point it out to me, and that was only after the first incident when I turned to my sibling and it was made awkward by them, but then I made it awkward. So it was doubly awkward and obvious.

    It’s my fault, I should have tried to listen better and not get too overwhelmed. Definitely chalking this up to a learning experience. Just don’t feel great about myself. I try very hard, and then when something like this happens albeit minor — it still difficult to shake off.
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 4
  11. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    2,790
    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2018
    Karma:
    +7,108
    I do understand. I can sit here and say don't worry about it, but then turn around and spend 2 days fretting over the possibility of doing or saying something wrong or weird. I hate when I do that.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  12. Tom

    Tom Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    4,702
    Joined:
    Jan 7, 2015
    Karma:
    +9,978
    In this situation you can't realistically expect people to change. So if it bothers you, you have to change and work on your social interactions. Get out and practice, pay close attention to what they say. It will improve with effort. Being born with ASD isn't fair, it just is. Lots of people have various handicaps. I think people expect you to make an effort. If that isn't enough, then it is their problem.
     
    • Useful Useful x 3
    • Like Like x 1
  13. TheFreeCat

    TheFreeCat Active Member

    Messages:
    252
    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2018
    Karma:
    +580
    I am weird. People know it. Some accept it, others do not. But no matter who does or who does not, I cannot change it.

    When I feel really bad about it, I will often double down on it. I will intentionally do something or wear something even weirder. It helps me to give up the illusion that I can squeak by or fake. In my mind, when I double down, I am just plain weird.

    It really does help.

    And when I double down, it also helps because the people who really do like me, still like me in those times. And it protects me from others who may be on the fence. Yeah, I have lost friends but I lose them hiding anyway.

    I don't do anything offensive or fake. It would be like muttering to myself if I feel like it, keeping my eyes closed while in public if I feel like it.....it's usually things I have tried to suppress. Stim if I feel like it. Wide open stimming. Or wear even weirder things, things I LIKE but have tried to suppress.

    In short, it's taking the cover off IN A BIG WAY when I feel sad about being different. Instead of covering it, showing it.

    It can cause its own set of troubles, but so does faking and then realizing ,"Even my faking FAILED!!"
     
    • Like Like x 3
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • Informative Informative x 1
  14. TheFreeCat

    TheFreeCat Active Member

    Messages:
    252
    Joined:
    Sep 9, 2018
    Karma:
    +580
    With respect, I used to believe this. But people really ARE VERY interested in different people. THey talk about people and gossip and try to pry.

    My dad used to say people had their own fish to fry. Oh, if only that were true. But if you are off, people will film you, take pics, ask you why you are so quiet, why you are wearing that in this weather, how do you work with your issues?

    It is a non stop barrage until they can form some caricature of you in their tiny minds so they can sleep at night. Our oddness will torment some people until they can find out WHY and then some just want to beat it out of us.
     
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Like Like x 1
    • Informative Informative x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  15. Kirsty

    Kirsty ND

    Messages:
    1,444
    Joined:
    Sep 12, 2014
    Karma:
    +2,702
    I come across this issue almost daily working in customer service and today was the worst. (Just because my energy was low and all of my worries that I’d stuffed down had made me more stressed than usual.) I’ve not been connected to my feelings for a while and have felt overwhelmed with things. I came across as a little passive aggressive which looked more than a little and was shut down almost because my lunch was late and was irritable inside for a damn coffee. Your perspective has helped, Mia, but I was brought up to not take things out to the general public. It disgusts me that society does this and think it’s acceptable. Plus, questions annoy me like when they ask if I’m busy for a conversation starter. I hate these ‘questions’. Or if colleagues asks me what time I start or finish. I just hate it!
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  16. Mia

    Mia Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    5,774
    Joined:
    May 27, 2015
    Karma:
    +13,608
    So was I. Being polite and kind is something I like in myself and others. Yet, it's somewhat rare to encounter now. Find that people are less polite than they used to be.

    Maybe it's more a matter of upbringing, that were used to and want from others. I've stopped taking it personally, although it did take some time to do that. The area I live in, people are not so polite in their interactions. They are friendly if they know you, but less so if they don't.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Informative Informative x 1
  17. Kirsty

    Kirsty ND

    Messages:
    1,444
    Joined:
    Sep 12, 2014
    Karma:
    +2,702
    I think that’s very sad.

    It is my own responsibility to go out and look for a partner, but the world seems so selfish and fake these days. Even my family is the same and I’m left with no one, but being alone is better than being continually put down and disrespected by people. My underlying problem is not having someone to give me hugs and to be myself with. There’s always that abandonment issue in my mind and feeling like I’m not good enough for other people. I’ve got my friend, J, but I can’t seem to connect with him very well like you would with a close friend. Anyway, I’m sorry and not sorry about venting. That’s all I’m saying because I know I might be annoying.
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 3
  18. AuBurney Tuckerson

    AuBurney Tuckerson GigglesTheAutisticHyena

    Messages:
    406
    Joined:
    Aug 14, 2018
    Karma:
    +479
    You're not alone. I usually find spills staring at me every time I'm forced to go out. I usually just shoot them a death glare as if I'm in a bad mood (in which I always am. Try living with extremely sensitive hearing.) and then walking away.
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  19. Fino

    Fino Alex V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    3,083
    Joined:
    Sep 22, 2018
    Karma:
    +6,010
    I HAVE EXPERIENCED THE EXACT SAME THING SO MANY TIMES.

    Sorry, but it had to be in caps.

    IDENTICAL. Even your reaction afterwards in this post.

    Are we the same person!?

    I hope so, I wanna ride on a broom! (I pretend you are all the picture you have)

    The worst is when the person you're with says something like, "Sorry about him."

    It's gotten to the point that when I meet someone kind and non-judgmental, I go mental on them, sort of like this post. Just this past weekend, I did it to an employee at a recital hall I played in. Now we're friends on Facebook LOL
     
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Like Like x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  20. tducey

    tducey Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    1,680
    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2018
    Karma:
    +1,457
    I've experienced it as well. Could be just an Aspie trait and nothing more.
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 1