I hope im not the only one but i do self punish and self harm when i get in trouble for something and punish myself even more like bite myself, scratch my arms till they bleed and punch myyself to the point i chip a tooth and tell myself im worthless and hate myself over and over again. Its unhealthy to do that but i do at times i excessivly punish myself, i was abused for a long time since i was a child if i got in trouble it meant a beating, be it the switch, the belt, being punched in the face and if marks etc. Id save the trouble and hurt myself instead. Its a self learned habit now people tell me im hurting others doing so but its self discipline.
You're not the only one, I would post photos but they are a bit dark.
We falsely think we deserve punishment but we cannot believe that these beliefs are false, and there is the riddle.
It feels like a release but it's short term, if it was a true release why would we keep on needing to do it?
We are hard on ourselves. I have been and still being a tw4t but I don't deserve to deprive myself of food, hide in a room with black bin liners at the window, not bathe, chew flesh of my arms, beat my face black and blue, not to mention what I do to my poor head.
Yes, I can be a c*nt, I've been treated badly, but the abusers had problems themselves, as did yours otherwise they would not have abused.
I feel like a disgusting cesspit of a person, cowardly, but it's finding a way to express this rage.
I haven't done anything for a while, last week I thought it fit to hit myself with the skylight window because I left it open.
IT was weird I bobbed up and down because it bumped the top of my head and my dad used to hit my head, so I hit my head.
What good does it do though?
It worries people we know.
It worries my friends.
I told my family but they didnt know what to say, and when they find out the mess I am in they will be angry with me anyway as my mistakes will or might affect them, however the mistakes were made in the past, not deliberately.
I used to hit myself for being naive, I hope I don't anymore, I want my brain to last me the rest of my life, hitting my head puts it at risk of damage.
Whoever abused you got abused themselves, it warped their mind. They failed to process it, many abused kids grow up being good parents, kids who were abused and fail to process the abuse go onto repeat the cycle or turn it in on themselves.
I wrongly think I deserve punishment, I think a lot of punishment is coming to me in the future because of past mistakes, but you know what? There is nothing I can do, so let the haters hate. We all deserve love, abusers never got any. Healthy abused adults learnt to love themselves, there is still time for you to learn to love yourself.