Being hard on yourself and self harming.

[AspieOtaku]

I hope im not the only one but i do self punish and self harm when i get in trouble for something and punish myself even more like bite myself, scratch my arms till they bleed and punch myyself to the point i chip a tooth and tell myself im worthless and hate myself over and over again. Its unhealthy to do that but i do at times i excessivly punish myself, i was abused for a long time since i was a child if i got in trouble it meant a beating, be it the switch, the belt, being punched in the face and if marks etc. Id save the trouble and hurt myself instead. Its a self learned habit now people tell me im hurting others doing so but its self discipline.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

This makes me sad. I would mentally hurt myself for the isolation I felt as a teen and young adult such that people who cared for me were dismayed and concerned. This was a barrier not only to relaxed friendship, but sometimes to intimacy.

Finally, with people I trust saying that I am not the person I was back then, I eventually internalized that message and those thoughts have little power over me. That required some discipline to do and that is why I don't know how you can equate hurting yourself with discipline except in the sense of corporal punishment.

 

[tree]

@AspieOtaku

Seems to me that there's more useful types of "self discipline."

What you're describing is just carrying on with cruel practices you
experienced in the past.

One definition of discipline is the practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior.
Is what you're doing helping you in that direction?
Is what you're doing even necessary, insofar as there being some rules that you, yourself,
believe you need to learn to follow?

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

@AspieOtaku

Seems to me that there's more useful types of "self discipline."

What you're describing is just carrying on with cruel practices you
experienced in the past.

One definition of discipline is the practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior.
Is what you're doing helping you in that direction?
Is what you're doing even necessary, insofar as there being some rules that you, yourself,
believe you need to learn to follow?

What would you tell Otaku to do to channel discipline in a positive direction? I recently saw the Anime, A Silent Voice, where the protagonist channeled his hatred of himself for his past actions into redemption through kindness. Is that the key here, to be disciplined in understanding, forgiving, then accepting oneself?

 

[Mary Terry]

Forgive yourself, Aspie-Otaku. No one is perfect, everyone makes mistakes, and many people here, including me, care about you! Please don't hurt yourself anymore.

 

[Aspychata]

It maybe hard to understand but this is your normal, its the normal you grew up with and it maybe all you know.

So you need to reverse that and treat yourself in a very loving way to erase that *bad normal*, change the playlist to a good normal. You are a loving person, you deserve respect and kindness from those who interact with you.

But it has to be from you, you have to want change because your old normal isn't true, it's a falsehood, that your parents could control you with, or whoever abused you. You don't need to be controlled or abused ever again if you choose to no longer allow these thoughts.

 

[ForestGumpett]

...But it has to be from you, you have to want change because your old normal isn't true, it's a falsehood, that your parents could control you with, or whoever abused you. You don't need to be controlled or abused ever again if you choose to no longer allow these thoughts.

@AspieOtaku
Thank you for the thread, I understand the point you are making and get it. I have not done exactly the same things, but the feelings your describing are the same. I get the feeling of being worthless, and when we are treated like we are trash then it’s confusing when others that do truly love us, well....love us?!

If you have a parent that does this (was in my case) then you will allow others to treat you in this way because you are taught you are not good and this is acceptable. Be it friends or a lover, if we accept we are damaged then we come to believe this.

I’m working through this on my own, trust issues makes an outside therapist a no-go so it’s slow but a loving husband and the love of Jesus is how I’m working it out.

 

[Aspychata]

@AspieOtaku
Thank you for the thread, I understand the point you are making and get it. I have not done exactly the same things, but the feelings your describing are the same. I get the feeling of being worthless, and when we are treated like we are trash then it’s confusing when others that do truly love us, well....love us?!

If you have a parent that does this (was in my case) then you will allow others to treat you in this way because you are taught you are not good and this is acceptable. Be it friends or a lover, if we accept we are damaged then we come to believe this.

I’m working through this on my own, trust issues makes an outside therapist a no-go so it’s slow but a loving husband and the love of Jesus is how I’m working it out.

That was pretty neat to read. What is it with these strange people that spend their entire life trying to make us feel bad? Nope, no can do. I live my life for me not for those who are full of holes of false love and often answer to the name of mother and father.

 

[UberScout]

The day I went to the hospital is when I cut my arm open. Had some kitchen scissors my mother uses to open packs of chicken. After another bad night at my house Maddog heard me crying and was complaining about it, and that's when I snapped.

Turns out, it doesn't hurt when you do it fast enough....but after a few minutes you're gonna need some ibuprofen.

 

[AspieOtaku]

@AspieOtaku

Seems to me that there's more useful types of "self discipline."

What you're describing is just carrying on with cruel practices you
experienced in the past.

One definition of discipline is the practice of training people to obey rules or a code of behavior.
Is what you're doing helping you in that direction?
Is what you're doing even necessary, insofar as there being some rules that you, yourself,
believe you need to learn to follow?

Rules i follow are not to let others down or i pay the consequences, i do not like punishing myself but feel it is necessary i do not repeat failure.

 

[tree]

What about reward for doing right?

Positive reinforcement?

You don't trust yourself enough to do that?
It seems more reliable to be mean in order to
make sure you follow the rules?

 

[AspieOtaku]

What about reward for doing right?

Positive reinforcement?

You don't trust yourself enough to do that?
It seems more reliable to be mean in order to
make sure you follow the rules?

I do sometimes but at times not enough. I have the tendancy to focus on the negatives and not the positive and set self expectations way to high. I had pretty strict parents, i also had a couple teachers that would single me out and micromanage me particularly my first grade teacher and my 8th grade teacher.

 

[AspieOtaku]

The day I went to the hospital is when I cut my arm open. Had some kitchen scissors my mother uses to open packs of chicken. After another bad night at my house Maddog heard me crying and was complaining about it, and that's when I snapped.

Turns out, it doesn't hurt when you do it fast enough....but after a few minutes you're gonna need some ibuprofen.

I am sorry that happenend and yes after time you dont feel as much pain and hurt yoursel more your so mad at yourself then but hurts way later, your lucky you did not have to spend time in the psyche ward for self harm sending you to the hospital, they usually do that often and it gets scary and sucks, i have been in psyche ward twice its not fun.

 

[AspieOtaku]

I had an episode a few days ago i thought i upsetted my girlfriend but didnt i thought she was mad at me so i self harmed she was just busy driving she read my texts once she got home and said omg please dont you did nothing wrong stop hurting yourself i love you be kind to yourself and she was crying. I stopped and apologized i told her i thought i failed her i was berating myself while self harming too it made her sad i feel bad i dont want to be mean to myself anymore.I beat and abuse myself it hurts others i dont want others sad anymore force of habit feeling im lower than everyone else its kinda reverse selfishnees force of thought drilled in my head.

 

[DavidS]

• I’m feeling what you describe right now. I’m sad because inherently I recognize I’m different and that that difference hurt someone I love. I feel like some monster. During one of the arguments three months ago she felt like I was not understanding her pain. At one point I excused myself went to the bathroom and pulled out my pocket knife and began slicing across my chest to show that I wanted to feel her pain along side her. Being on the spectrum can be a hell.

 

[AspieOtaku]

• I’m feeling what you describe right now. I’m sad because inherently I recognize I’m different and that that difference hurt someone I love. I feel like some monster. During one of the arguments three months ago she felt like I was not understanding her pain. At one point I excused myself went to the bathroom and pulled out my pocket knife and began slicing across my chest to show that I wanted to feel her pain along side her. Being on the spectrum can be a hell.

It hurts others they say we just want to hurt ourselves but after that we feel more guilt the people who love us are hurting because were hurting ourselves, its not our intention to hurt others we firget to realize that.

 

[Storm Hess]

I hope im not the only one but i do self punish and self harm when i get in trouble for something and punish myself even more like bite myself, scratch my arms till they bleed and punch myyself to the point i chip a tooth and tell myself im worthless and hate myself over and over again. Its unhealthy to do that but i do at times i excessivly punish myself, i was abused for a long time since i was a child if i got in trouble it meant a beating, be it the switch, the belt, being punched in the face and if marks etc. Id save the trouble and hurt myself instead. Its a self learned habit now people tell me im hurting others doing so but its self discipline.

You are worthy of life and worthy of being happy. Leave the pain of the past and move forward knowing you are worthy.

 

[Gift2humanity]

I hope im not the only one but i do self punish and self harm when i get in trouble for something and punish myself even more like bite myself, scratch my arms till they bleed and punch myyself to the point i chip a tooth and tell myself im worthless and hate myself over and over again. Its unhealthy to do that but i do at times i excessivly punish myself, i was abused for a long time since i was a child if i got in trouble it meant a beating, be it the switch, the belt, being punched in the face and if marks etc. Id save the trouble and hurt myself instead. Its a self learned habit now people tell me im hurting others doing so but its self discipline.

You're not the only one, I would post photos but they are a bit dark.

We falsely think we deserve punishment but we cannot believe that these beliefs are false, and there is the riddle.

It feels like a release but it's short term, if it was a true release why would we keep on needing to do it?

We are hard on ourselves. I have been and still being a tw4t but I don't deserve to deprive myself of food, hide in a room with black bin liners at the window, not bathe, chew flesh of my arms, beat my face black and blue, not to mention what I do to my poor head.

Yes, I can be a c*nt, I've been treated badly, but the abusers had problems themselves, as did yours otherwise they would not have abused.

I feel like a disgusting cesspit of a person, cowardly, but it's finding a way to express this rage.

I haven't done anything for a while, last week I thought it fit to hit myself with the skylight window because I left it open.

IT was weird I bobbed up and down because it bumped the top of my head and my dad used to hit my head, so I hit my head.

What good does it do though?
It worries people we know.
It worries my friends.
I told my family but they didnt know what to say, and when they find out the mess I am in they will be angry with me anyway as my mistakes will or might affect them, however the mistakes were made in the past, not deliberately.

I used to hit myself for being naive, I hope I don't anymore, I want my brain to last me the rest of my life, hitting my head puts it at risk of damage.

Whoever abused you got abused themselves, it warped their mind. They failed to process it, many abused kids grow up being good parents, kids who were abused and fail to process the abuse go onto repeat the cycle or turn it in on themselves.

I wrongly think I deserve punishment, I think a lot of punishment is coming to me in the future because of past mistakes, but you know what? There is nothing I can do, so let the haters hate. We all deserve love, abusers never got any. Healthy abused adults learnt to love themselves, there is still time for you to learn to love yourself.

 

[DavidS]

It hurts others they say we just want to hurt ourselves but after that we feel more guilt the people who love us are hurting because were hurting ourselves, its not our intention to hurt others we firget to realize that.

Her reaction was one that didn’t know what was happening. She didn’t know to believe what I was saying and acting on or if it was some measure of grandiose showboating.

 

[AspieOtaku]

You're not the only one, I would post photos but they are a bit dark.

We falsely think we deserve punishment but we cannot believe that these beliefs are false, and there is the riddle.

It feels like a release but it's short term, if it was a true release why would we keep on needing to do it?

We are hard on ourselves. I have been and still being a tw4t but I don't deserve to deprive myself of food, hide in a room with black bin liners at the window, not bathe, chew flesh of my arms, beat my face black and blue, not to mention what I do to my poor head.

Yes, I can be a c*nt, I've been treated badly, but the abusers had problems themselves, as did yours otherwise they would not have abused.

I feel like a disgusting cesspit of a person, cowardly, but it's finding a way to express this rage.

I haven't done anything for a while, last week I thought it fit to hit myself with the skylight window because I left it open.

IT was weird I bobbed up and down because it bumped the top of my head and my dad used to hit my head, so I hit my head.

What good does it do though?
It worries people we know.
It worries my friends.
I told my family but they didnt know what to say, and when they find out the mess I am in they will be angry with me anyway as my mistakes will or might affect them, however the mistakes were made in the past, not deliberately.

I used to hit myself for being naive, I hope I don't anymore, I want my brain to last me the rest of my life, hitting my head puts it at risk of damage.

Whoever abused you got abused themselves, it warped their mind. They failed to process it, many abused kids grow up being good parents, kids who were abused and fail to process the abuse go onto repeat the cycle or turn it in on themselves.

I wrongly think I deserve punishment, I think a lot of punishment is coming to me in the future because of past mistakes, but you know what? There is nothing I can do, so let the haters hate. We all deserve love, abusers never got any. Healthy abused adults learnt to love themselves, there is still time for you to learn to love yourself.

i had photos of scars on my wrists when i attempted suicide so i understand.