Being "bilingual"- communication between NT and ASD

[sisselcakes]

Another question for the community.

I am an NT dating someone whom I love and suspect is on the spectrum. I realize we speak different languages to an extent. I think it's more likely that I can learn aspects of his language than he can learn of mine and I'm totally fine trying to do that.

I'm trying to figure this out. When we have misunderstandings, like he comes across as rude, abrupt or controlling because doesn't realize it, is there some way I can communicate my point of view, if this is possible at all?

Let me give an example. One day we were driving to his home. He asked why I chose the route I did. For every reason I gave, he had a reason it was illogical. It was longer, farther, through a bad part of town (according to him). He could not understand why I didn't take the closest exit to the highway. I explained that I do things based on preference and feelings sometimes. I don't always choose the most logical option. Of course, he had no clue what I was talking about and I just said to him he wasn't going to understand it and was going to have to be okay with that.

Is there any way to turn that conversation into something that would make sense to him? I'm just looking for examples that I can use for other such communication challenges.

thanks.

 

[Beverly]

Of course there is, as an Aspie that is basically surrounded by NTs 24/7, I get the earth/Saturn thing that happens.

In the example you gave, you chose that route based on emotions and how the route felt to you. That isn't logical, and if it went through a bad neighborhood, not the safest route, it took more gas and more time to go that way. All true and, I'd have instinctively pointed all of that out to you, in an effort to correct your mistake because that's what it would seem like to me, a mistake. But if you had compared it to something I do, say you had said, "I know but, it's like you liking the blue towels better than the yellow towels that are the same except for the color, the blue feels better, more right to you. This route is my blue towel." Then my brain would go "Oh, lightbulb, I get it now. Okay we'll go this whay when she drives and, the other way when I drive. Blue towel routes, that's cool."

Most Aspies do not do metaphors well, our minds simply fail to make connections like that readily. We do it, but not without time to process it and, we know you expect us to respond faster than that so, we respond with what comes to mind, same as you do only for us, that is hard facts and logic, not feelings or what just feels right. Don't get upset or come across sounding argumentative or hostile, just calmly draw the metaphor or relate it to our quirks and we'll get it.

 

[sisselcakes]

Beverly,

That helps a lot. I'm looking for tips, so to speak, to either avoid unnecessary conflict or to understand it once it has happened. If I can see his thought process as attempting to correct a mistake/error, I can totally wrap my head around that. I get it. I really appreciate your example of the towel. I tried that this morning using the concept of favorite colors. I'm not sure he got it, though, because he was annoyed that I had brought up an issue from the past.

He thinks I over-analyze, think too much, psycho-analyze, and start conversations too early in the morning. LOL. He gave me an "appointment" time of 6:57 p.m. tonight to discuss this. He is hilarious. I've got to say I love that about him.

It's hard to bring things up because he's really defensive. I'm sure he's had years of these types of conflicts and probably is usually blamed by someone. Almost every time I do "get in" and we get to the root of the incident (usually me feeling judged and hurt), turns out his original intention was actually out of concern for me.

Here's an example. He snapped at me while he was giving me a ski lesson. (Bad idea for any couple.) My first time skiing. I was so angry and hurt from the tone he used. It sounded like disdain. This is his response.

Him: I was annoyed you wouldn't get up (after falling during skiing)
Me: I COULDN'T get up. My body isn't strong enough.
Him: Exactly, I told you to do squats before we came. I told you you needed strong muscles for this sport.
Me: I know you told me to but I didn't feel like it. I don't care that much about skiing.
Him: Well, why bother coming on a ski trip if you don't want to be good at skiing?
Me: I came on the trip to be with you. I wanted to spend time with you. To me, skiing was just one part of it.

Then he got it. And I got that his intentions for pushing the squats thing was because he wanted to make sure I could learn to ski. He thought that was an important goal of mine.

Anyhow, thanks for letting me blab. I have to "process" things to learn. Or over-analyze, if you will.

 

[Beverly]

That is a great example of what happens frequently with us. We know we live in an NT world and, we want to be okay with NTs so we do our best to work out their motivations and reasons for wanting to do something. the trouble is all we really have that we know is guaranteed true is our own mind, what our motivations would be in the same situation. We attribute that to the NT and, often discover we were wrong when the event actually occurs.

I do it to my NT band and crew all of the time but, they've learned just to tell me "Hey, that's not why I'm doing this with or for you." Then explain their own motivations. they've learned to see when I'm telling them to do stuff because I think it will further their goals but, I'm way off base. Now we just laugh it off, I'm being the "aspie psychic" and failing and they are being the "emotionally thinking normals."

And yes with us "Quit being normal." followed by. "No, you quit being aspie." is a playful mock argument, along the lines of "Mine." "No mine." done with laughter. Don't try that unless you both understand it's for fun, a way to get a laugh when motivation misunderstanding happens.

 

[MkeRN]

Another question for the community.

I am an NT dating someone whom I love and suspect is on the spectrum. I realize we speak different languages to an extent. I think it's more likely that I can learn aspects of his language than he can learn of mine and I'm totally fine trying to do that.

I'm trying to figure this out. When we have misunderstandings, like he comes across as rude, abrupt or controlling because doesn't realize it, is there some way I can communicate my point of view, if this is possible at all?

Let me give an example. One day we were driving to his home. He asked why I chose the route I did. For every reason I gave, he had a reason it was illogical. It was longer, farther, through a bad part of town (according to him). He could not understand why I didn't take the closest exit to the highway. I explained that I do things based on preference and feelings sometimes. I don't always choose the most logical option. Of course, he had no clue what I was talking about and I just said to him he wasn't going to understand it and was going to have to be okay with that.

Is there any way to turn that conversation into something that would make sense to him? I'm just looking for examples that I can use for other such communication challenges.

thanks.

I'm in an Aspie-NT marriage. Communication is huge deal. One thing that helps me is that I have to flat out state my feelings. I can't roll my eyes, or sulk off like a lot of women do. I have to say to him "your tone is rude and hurting my feelings" "I dont appreciate how's your talking to me in public" For your story I probably would have said "It would make me feel better if you were concerned about if I'm hurt and please help me up". My husband is high functioning, so he's learned to filter some of what comes out. But he's not so hot at picking up emotions. Maybe if your bf knew he was hurting your feelings, or the way he was talking to you wasn't appropriate/ helpful at this moment, he would take a step back.
Also I've taken communication classes and everything I've learned is opposite with my hubby. For example, never use I language. For example we've learned to say "I feel, I need, I want. I need you to help with dishes etc". IDK what it is, but it's like a wrestling gong and he thinks its time to fight and defend himself. If I said instead "it would sure be nice if we'd have a clean kitchen" he starts cleaning dishes like its part of his routine and problem solved. Hope this might help.

 

[Beverly]

MkeRN I agree, you've got to be specific and, not sulky or acting in a way that we perceive as stubborn, angry with us or, like a small child having a temper fit because you didn't get your way. Most of the time, our gut reaction to you being sulky or moody is to think "Well he/she/xe is just being emotional, it will be fine when he/she/xe calms down." This we tend to put things said when you are behaving emotionally aside as an over reaction, we don't like upsetting you but, we assume you spoke irrationally because of emotion.

 

[Tom]

You can try hitting him on the head (lightly) with a wooden spoon and say 'Your not listening to me!' when he's being unreasonable.

I think with most HFA's they are as capable of learning NT language as an NT is of ASD language. They have been exposed to it non-stop all their life after all.

In other words I don't think it is purely or just mainly ability driven. There is some other reason or reasons. I don't think it is a good idea to let an aspie slide on it. The world, life is mostly NT. The answer to negative behavior is not indulging it.

But I am kidding about the wooden spoon. What I really mean is you have to somehow break thru their built up resistance/shells or avoidence. It takes patience, perserverance and a caring attitude.

 

[Beverly]

Tom Thank you! I agree, Aspie is not an excuse not to learn. Okay it's difficult and, it isn't natural, it's just as much effort as getting a college degree but, we can do it, we aren't stupid and, we usually have pretty good memories for information. That's al NT language, verbal or otherwise is - information, data we can remember, catalog and define. We will find a lot of it pointless, boring, illogical and, down right silly but, we can still learn it.

DJ was one that assume he couldn't just because he is an Aspie when he first joined my crew. He still isn't great at dealing with his agoraphobia but, in small groups he does well now, he can socialize. Like me it tires him out but, the point is we can do it and, do it well, even if it is doing a task by wrote, just as you would work a complex equation or conduct an experiment with volatile chemicals, or bake a cake for that matter. It has to be right or you will get bad results and making it right only requires knowledge and information.