Avoid them, don't try to change them

[Johnny]

You meet on line. You phone her to ask her out.

Q: What do you do for work?
A: I have a job and I work full time.
Q: Yeah, but what do you do?
A: Oh, I see, you wanna figure out if I can afford you. That's a good point, too. No, I cannot afford you.

Let her hang up.

You drive over to your date's house, pressed to make it by the agreed time, park illegally, and figure she can make it down the stairs before you get a parking ticket. Instead, she invites you in, to meet her family.

Him: Well, actually, it's time to go now.
Her: Well, I'm not ready yet.
Him: I understand. You only had three days to get ready. Goodbye now.

Walk away. Maybe you shouldn't be rude to them, but you don't need the aggravation they would give you.

 

[King_Oni]

I'm not entirely sure what to make of this thread.

What are you getting at here?

 

[Sparticus]

You should be a comedy writer, in all seriousness!!! You are observing dating rituals...now make the stories funny! Bingo-you have a new career-comedy writer. Good luck.

You meet on line. You phone her to ask her out.

Q: What do you do for work?
A: I have a job and I work full time.
Q: Yeah, but what do you do?
A: Oh, I see, you wanna figure out if I can afford you. That's a good point, too. No, I cannot afford you.

Let her hang up.

You drive over to your date's house, pressed to make it by the agreed time, park illegally, and figure she can make it down the stairs before you get a parking ticket. Instead, she invites you in, to meet her family.

Him: Well, actually, it's time to go now.
Her: Well, I'm not ready yet.
Him: I understand. You only had three days to get ready. Goodbye now.

Walk away. Maybe you shouldn't be rude to them, but you don't need the aggravation they would give you.

 

[Ste11aeres]

She wants you to meet her family? That's awesome, a really good sign. Too bad you blew it.

The question about the job? Probably curiosity. What kind of job someone has might say a lot about their personality.
She was wanting to know if you were going to say "I'm an accountant, but I think it's boring", or, "I'm an Operator who answers the phone for 911 and it's hard because of the stories I hear, but I wouldn't give it up because I know I'm helping people", or "I'm a garbage collector, and even though it's low-status I love my job because it gives me a mental freedom for contemplation of the meaning of life"
So the answer you could have given her could have been fascinating, and could have given her good insights into your personality. Too bad you jumped to conclusions about what she meant, and blew it.

 

[Licorice]

She wants you to meet her family? That's awesome, a really good sign. Too bad you blew it.

The question about the job? Probably curiosity. What kind of job someone has might say a lot about their personality.
She was wanting to know if you were going to say "I'm an accountant, but I think it's boring", or, "I'm an Operator who answers the phone for 911 and it's hard because of the stories I hear, but I wouldn't give it up because I know I'm helping people", or "I'm a garbage collector, and even though it's low-status I love my job because it gives me a mental freedom for contemplation of the meaning of life"
So the answer you could have given her could have been fascinating, and could have given her good insights into your personality. Too bad you jumped to conclusions about what she meant, and blew it.

^

I understand the fear of potentially not noticing signs of being used and abused before it's too late, but I've found that simple caution is the best route. I wait until I can gather more information before trying to put my finger on what's going on and don't take any risks that might allow them to seriously harm or make a fool of me if those are their intentions. I don't lend them money, I don't do big favors, I don't say anything that could be used against me, I don't put my reputation on the line, and I don't get attached if I think they're suspicious or seem untrustworthy.

If you look for every possible opportunity to interpret people's words and actions in a negative light, then don't be surprised if all you meet is bad people who are out to get you. Nobody is above criticism from someone who's trying their hardest to find something wrong with them.

 

[Johnny]

She wants you to meet her family? That's awesome, a really good sign. Too bad you blew it.

I don't want to date her family.

 

[Flinty]

I don't want to date her family.

People without families are usually constructs for fictional works. You get her, you usually get the family with her.

 

[apt-get]

I don't want to date her family.

Too bad. If you have a prolonged relationship, you are very likely going to have to meet and interact with your partner's family, and how you do so will probably be some factor in the success of that relationship.

 

[Soup]

HUH. Once again the guys who 'like' your initial post are all either inexperienced with an actual 'live' woman (who is not a first degree relative) OR have had hard-luck with relationships & harbor misogynistic ideas. As for her having had 3 days to get ready, she was (hopefully) NOT just sitting around for 72 hours counting down the seconds until your momentous arrival. She probably has a LIFE: you know; studies, a job or even a career & possibly familial or social obligations. A date with you may be a fun event in her life, BUT it is not at the centre of it. She was likely struggling to be ready as close to on time as possible. If you cannot wait a few minutes & chat with her family, then get off her door step & out of her life. You are far too busy & important a go-getter to condescend to an invitation into her home, to meet those closest to her.

As a mother with a young daughter on her way to success, who earns her own money, I have a parent-of-a-dating-girl news-flash for you. We want to meet you & get to know you as a human being! When we ask what you do it is NOT to crudely assess if you can 'afford' my daughter as though she is some commodity we are trading. What a vulgar & ignorant assumption! She is NOT for sale nor does she (or anyone in my household) NEED YOUR MONEY! When I began seeing the man who became my husband, he did not have a dime to his name; he was 'between jobs' but had plans (viable ones: not 'I wanna be a rapper' or an 'entrepreneur' or a bad attitude like the one Johnny & Spartacus find to be so amusing). YOU are reading these intentions into a parent's question because of how YOU feel about YOURSELF & about WOMEN. If all we wanted for her (& she for herself) was some guy with money, we could easily find that amongst the eligible sons of clients & business contacts! She is young & beautiful. She has goals & ambitions of her own & wants to succeed in life & have someone to share that with one day: she is not a pretty 'bauble' looking for a display case.

As a parent, I found your little exchange to be frightening! You exude an angry, aggressive ulterior motivation & needlessly aggressive vibes. Whether you had millions or you were flat broke, I would bar the door. Our daughter would not leave here with a guy who had such an attitude.

You know who is a great guy & a great catch around here? NOLAN, that's who. YES...the one who was working seasonally at Walmart, the one who never gave up on his ability to find gainful work & who aspires to return there in January, when they will, without a doubt, re-hire him IF they know what is good for them. The one who is looking to the future, is taking care of his health, who has LEARNED from past bad experiences & who is loving & supportive of his partner, our very own Butterflylady. I would prefer that my daughter brought home a guy like him &, happily, he reminds me of my son in all the right ways.

You really think that we intelligent, attractive, successful woman are only sniffing after a guy with deep pockets? What fools you are! My husband had less than Nolan currently does when I began seeing him & I AM a conventionally 'hot' , educated woman from a good family! NOLAN has a basic, foundation of GOOD CHARACTER & that optimism & ability to bounce back that you need in life. Soon, he will be manager at that Walmart: later, a district manager. If he is smart (& he seems reasonably so) he will educate himself about business & retail & management.

I have seen my daughter reject more than 2 guys who had a lot of money (one was a restauranteur & the other a business man) because of their 'proprietary' attitude & tendency to objectify her. Gladly, she has internalized the values we, her parents, have taught her & modeled for her.

 

[IContainMultitudes]

I just wanted to mention that Johnny was banned a few days ago, sorry for not making that clearer.

Also, could we please use our inside voices and not write in ALL CAPS so much?

 

[MoCoffee]

AMEN Soup!

 

[Logic]

Too bad. If you have a prolonged relationship, you are very likely going to have to meet and interact with your partner's family, and how you do so will probably be some factor in the success of that relationship.

If she wants him to meet her family she should not spring that as a surprise on the spot. It was not part of the deal. If he does not wish to meet her family that is his right, and she then has a choice whether to continue dating him or not.

 

[Logic]

You meet on line. You phone her to ask her out.

Q: What do you do for work?
A: I have a job and I work full time.
Q: Yeah, but what do you do?
A: Oh, I see, you wanna figure out if I can afford you. That's a good point, too. No, I cannot afford you.

Let her hang up.

You drive over to your date's house, pressed to make it by the agreed time, park illegally, and figure she can make it down the stairs before you get a parking ticket. Instead, she invites you in, to meet her family.

Him: Well, actually, it's time to go now.
Her: Well, I'm not ready yet.
Him: I understand. You only had three days to get ready. Goodbye now.

Walk away. Maybe you shouldn't be rude to them, but you don't need the aggravation they would give you.

Then there are the ones who won't give a straight answer and blame you for everything.

Q: Are you coming with me tonight?
A: I have final exams tomorrow. (Which she knew, or should have known before he bought the tickets.)
Q: But are you coming with me tonight?
A: These exams are important.
Q: But are you coming with me tonight?
A: Look, I already told you, I have final exams.

Q: Did you get that errand done today?
A: There was no bus service, because of the storm.
Q: But did you get that errand done today?
A: What do you think?
Q: I think you didn't answer the question. Now, did you get that errand done today?
A: How am I supposed to get there when there's no bus service?
Q: Did you get that errand done today?

Next thing he knows, she's going around telling everybody that he broke up with her because she was unable to get the errand done; when in fact he broke up with her because she would not tell him whether she got the errand done. Yes or No means Yes or No.

cf.:

Q: Did you pay the rent?
A: Secretariat lost.

Nobody asked what happened at the racetrack. Get to the point. You gambled away the rent money and failed to pay the rent.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Also, could we please use our inside voices and not write in ALL CAPS so much?[/QUOTE]

The "inside voices" remark is really funny, Mr. Wow.

 

[Ste11aeres]

Then there are the ones who won't give a straight answer and blame you for everything.

Q: Are you coming with me tonight?
A: I have final exams tomorrow. (Which she knew, or should have known before he bought the tickets.)
Q: But are you coming with me tonight?
A: These exams are important.
Q: But are you coming with me tonight?
A: Look, I already told you, I have final exams.

Q: Did you get that errand done today?
A: There was no bus service, because of the storm.
Q: But did you get that errand done today?
A: What do you think?
Q: I think you didn't answer the question. Now, did you get that errand done today?
A: How am I supposed to get there when there's no bus service?
Q: Did you get that errand done today?

Next thing he knows, she's going around telling everybody that he broke up with her because she was unable to get the errand done; when in fact he broke up with her because she would not tell him whether she got the errand done. Yes or No means Yes or No.

cf.:

Q: Did you pay the rent?
A: Secretariat lost.

Nobody asked what happened at the racetrack. Get to the point. You gambled away the rent money and failed to pay the rent.

This is just a verbal style. Plenty of people use it and understand each other. Usually someone who uses it is used to it, because they grew up among other people who used it. It's no better or worse than another verbal style. If he's going to break up with her over it, he probably didn't love her very much to begin with, and she's better off without him.
And he's nitpicking.
Now someone gambling away rent money is a serious problem and a legitimate reason for breaking up. I'd be pretty pissed!:stomp: (but the way in which they tell you is not so important).
(he should have found out whether or not she was coming with him before he bought the tickets.)

 

[Soup]

If she wants him to meet her family she should not spring that as a surprise on the spot. It was not part of the deal. If he does not wish to meet her family that is his right, and she then has a choice whether to continue dating him or not.

Seems like you are having a logic fail. A date is not a deal: that kind of thinking (like score-card thinking) dehumanizes both people going on the date. What else was part of said 'deal'? Was there a contract drafted by your attorney that you both signed & received a copy of? Part of what initially offended the original poster was how the parents seemed to be asking what he did in order to determine whether or not he could 'afford' their daughter; like a business transaction!

Here's where your logic fails. You agreed with the person to go out on a date. You agreed to pick her up at her home. Who did you think would likely be home at a young woman's place on a Saturday night?!? If a date lives at home with her parents, there is nothing 'deal-breaking' about them answering their own front door, asking to meet whoever is on their front door taking out their daughter or trying to be polite & inviting you in.

IF you did not want to meet her parents right away, why not meet for a date at a cafe or somewhere local that is conveniently central to the both of you? Logically, her parents are unlikely to insist on accompanying her to a cafe. By showing up at someone's house & ringing their bell, part of that 'deal' is that you will have to speak to whoever opens the door.

 

[Ereth]

I know the OP was banned, but I have to add my thoughts on this subject. I have, at twenty-four, only been in one real relationship, and on only one real date---both involving my current boyfriend. We're long-distance. When my parents allowed me to meet him in person last year, they did so on the condition that they come with me to meet him. Obviously if he were local, he wouldn't have necessarily met them right away, but ultimately, I think my parents (and my father especially) would have expected him to ring the doorbell, say "Hello, sir and ma'am," and inform them where we would be on a date and for how long.

It probably sounds very old-fashioned, and maybe it is---my parents grew up during a different time. But unless a date has no family to speak of, the notion of not speaking to his or her parents or guardians is pretty much impossible. The relationship doesn't have to lead to marriage for it to require some level of interaction with family members. One would have to be on another plane of existence to avoid it altogether. It's like licking one's own elbow---it can't be done.