Autistic people are difficult for non-autistic people to read

[Gracey]

Have you 'trained yourself' to engage in that kind of exchange or does it come naturally?
:

Someone asked me a question. I answered them.
I can't say "shush! I'm busy!" As an answer.
(headphones do that but I wasn't wearing any)

At the time I'm left bewildered where oil cloth table coverings are connected to landscaping.

Until I think about it.

Sometime later in the day I'm guessing that the word patio conjures up an image of a patio table for her.
If people sit around a patio table and share food at her house, she may want a waterproof table covering? And is guessing I might?

She was trying to be helpful.
I couldn't see it at the time.

At the time I can't follow her conversation because oil cloth has nothing to do with surface water drainage or landscaping.
(which is all I'm focused on and interested in hearing about)

My lack of enthusiasm over a labour saving table protector and lack of empathy for her friend may not have been the reactions she expected.

If she'd offered the perfect angle at which to set the paving I'd have reacted differently.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

As an answer.
(headphones do that but I wasn't wearing any

So you're a nudist.

In autistic terms.

 

[Nervous Rex]

What?

There is more than one way?

OMG

I need to sit down.

There are two ways to do anything: My way and the right way!

 

[Judge]

There are two ways to do anything: My way and the right way!

I know of four ways, going all the way back to 1954.

 

[Nervous Rex]

When I was looking for a counselor, I went to someone I had met in some social gatherings. He diagnosed me as autistic and later said that when we had met socially, he found me very hard to read - and now he knows why.

So...yeah...when a counselor tells me I'm hard to read, I guess that means I'm hard to read.

I have tried to make some adaptations. I try to make my voice sound cheerful, because when I don't, people mistake my default tone as angry or argumentative and I get a lot of hostile reactions. I try to remember to smile when I meet people because they expect that.

Anyway, I try to watch for patterns of negative reactions, trace them back to what caused those reactions, and change my actions to change the outcome. The flowchart in my media page on this site is a very real thing for me. I am sometimes a bit awestruck that NT's do all these social things seemingly effortlessly and without thought.

 

[Nervous Rex]

I know of four ways, going all the way back to 1954.

Wow, Bogart and MacMurray in a movie together! And Bogart has a stim!!

 

[Judge]

Wow, Bogart and MacMurray in a movie together! And Bogart has a stim!!

I'm not sure how many people would have acknowledged Captain Queeg as being on the spectrum. But it seemed apparent even by lay observers that the man was paranoid and unfit for duty.

A tragedy, albeit a great film occasionally broadcast on Turner Classic Movies. Worth seeing.

 

[Bronzelincolns]

And vise versa ..

What can you do?

 

[Clueless in Canada]

The problem I come across is that many of the people who criticize my aloofness as "rude" have no empathy. My mother-in-law was a particularly extreme example of this. She was convinced I was the rudest person on Earth because I did not engage in coversations that had nothing to do with me (relatives I never met, for example) or was not able to participate in because she kept cutting me off. She criticized me as rude when I asked about my nephew/her grandson because I should have asked about HER. You know, its not like grandparents are known for liking to talk about their grandkids or anything. She even got upset once because I could not explain why I don't like seafood. That sort of like asking why someone is sexually attracted to men or to women--I don't CHOOSE to dislike seafood, I choose to avoid seafood because I just don't like it!

To get back to the empathy--After several years of her talking behind my back about how rude I was, it finally blew up. I tried to rationally explain to her some of the problems I had growing up that made me shy and not that talkative. For example, an incredible amount of bullying in school. Also there was the influence of my televangelist watching grandmother that limited my ability to have friends and prevented me from dating until I was 20. My mother-in-law's response? "I don't want to hear any of that crap."

In terms of rude, I remember going up to waiters/waitresses several times and apologizing for how she treated them. She also talked trash about all of her "friends." She felt betrayed that they cut off communication after her husband died, but her husband was the only reason why they put up with her in the first place.

Her conception of respect was that it was a one-way street. If she showed any respect for anyone else, it took away the respect that she deserved. There was no way in her mind that anyone whom she treated with respect could possibly respect her.

Your mother in law sounds like an idiot with some narcissistic traits. I hope you don't have to deal with her very often.

 

[SixTimesNine]

Your mother in law sounds like an idiot with some narcissistic traits. I hope you don't have to deal with her very often.

Only in so far as her presence still lingers over my wife--I believe a lot of her unrealistic expectations are the result of still trying to please her mother, even though he is dead.

I minimized my interaction with her while she was alive.

At her funeral, my brother-in-law (also adopted) gave a speech. He said that she was easier to get along with once she was affected by heart failure--because she finally had to stop drinking. I told my wife several times that someone needed to tell her to stop drinking before they got a call that she killed someone while driving. No one would say "boo" to her, however.

 

[RedOrangeYellow]

I've been told a lot that I wear my opinions/feelings on my face openly. If I don't like something or someone, everyone in the room can tell. I don't really pretend to like things I don't. I've been thought rude when accepting presents and things like that. My friends say I am very decisive, things to me are often black and white. But then on the other hand I have also been told during arguments that I am hard to read and the person who is frustrated with me says they never know what I'm thinking. (I secretly like this and wish to continue to be hard to read, perhaps because I have so much trouble concealing my feelings other times) so I don't know if we are hard to read or totally transparent.

 

[SixTimesNine]

[QUOTE="(I secretly like this and wish to continue to be hard to read, perhaps because I have so much trouble concealing my feelings other times) so I don't know if we are hard to read or totally transparent.[/QUOTE]

A large part of my difficulty showing emotion is that I was so traumatized by bullying in school. Bullies enjoyed seeing my reactions. Hurting me gave them pleasure. I became stoic as a defense mechanism. I also could not be hurt by rejection from crushes is I never showed that I was attracted to them.

I think this fear of showing fear is a reason I did not want to go on roller coasters for a long time. My parents did not like coasters, so I was not introduced to them at a young age. I had a strong desire to emulate my parents, so that meant I disliked roller coasters. There were also some OCD-related fear of heights issues. As a result, other kids teased me a lot about being afraid to go on roller coasters. When I went on the Cyclone with my now-wife back when we were dating in my late twenties, I realized I was also afraid of showing fear on roller coasters. If I screamed, other people would see that I was scared. Being scared would make me vulnerable. Since then, I have slowly developed a liking to moderate roller coasters, especially wooden coasters. I have even liked riding dark coasters, even though this thought used to terrify me. But I don't scream. I will say things like "Whooooaaa!"

My wife's pressure to ride roller coasters never worked because it always felt like teasing and made me angry. Starting with kiddie coasters (Vapor Trail at Sesame Place) when our son was young let me build up slowly to coasters such as Rolling Thunder at Great Adventure, Lightning Racer at Hershey, and Boulder Dash at Lake Compounce. Playing games such as Roller Coaster Tycoon also helped. Now, I have ridden some coasters that she refuses to go on, such as Soaring Eagle at Coney Island and Superman Ultimate Flight at Great Adventure.