Autistic empathy

[Autistamatic]

Yesterday I started work on the script for the next Autistamatic video on the subject of empathy within autism. It's always struck me that the accepted ideas of autism suggest we lack empathy yet so many of us consider ourselves to have a deep sense of empathy with others.
What I thought was going to be a simple topic turned out to be far more layered and complex than I originally thought. I try to keep my YouTube videos quite short - between 10 and 15 minutes - but this topic has already expanded to at least two videos so I thought I'd throw it open to the community to see what your opinions and feelings are on the subject.
How do you feel about your own sense of empathy? Do you feel lacking or do you feel it is one of your strengths? Do you think the common perception is accurate or misleading?
Obviously any responses will be anonymous. No names or screen names will ever be mentioned, but if you are particularly eloquent I may want to quote your observations in which case I will ask your permission

 

[Judge]

IMO, the most critical part of this issue is that it is not that people on the spectrum necessarily lack empathy, so much as that it can be a struggle for us to project it in a meaningful way that Neurotypicals can understand.

Just because we don't communicate it in a conventional way, doesn't mean that we don't have it. Perhaps one of the most critical misconceptions that exist between the Neurotypical and Neurodiverse.

While it's easy for me to express myself in text here, projecting empathy just isn't as easily expressed verbally in person in real-time. For whatever reason the words aren't always there...but the feelings are.

 

[Mattymatt]

Could it be that some folks with Autism just have difficulty expressing and communicating their empathy but actually feel it very strongly? Some folks on the spectrum might actually communicate empathy much better through writing rather than verbally. The reason I say this is a lack of empathy is more associated with sociopathy or anti-social personality disorder rather than autism which is a neurological/developmental condition. Please feel free to quote me if you think this is useful.

 

[Pats]

I think many of us are actually more empathetic but maybe less sympathetic. We do feel what others are feeling, perhaps more so than a typical NT. But sympathy is more personalized to the person suffering.
We watch a movie and we cry and our heart breaks at the sad parts. I definitely can experience movies where a parent is fearful over what might be happening concerning their child - it's gets you deep down and brings on intense emotions. BUT I say maybe it's more sympathy that some of us may lack because, yes, we feel heartbroken over someone losing a loved one, but we (maybe I should stick with I) feel just as heartbroken whether we know the person well or have never met the person and it's just a story. I've not been able to stop myself from crying when someone told me something very sad about a friend of theirs friend. I know how much they are suffering and can easily place myself in their shoes. But I don't think I sympathize as much.
It'd drive me crazy when a co-worker come to work and it would be obvious that they were going to suddenly get 'sicker' and end up going home. While everyone else is sympathizing, "Oh you poor thing. Hope you feel better". I'm sitting there saying to myself, "knew it". Someone may break a leg or get hurt somehow and I don't have it in me to 'poor thing' to anyone.
But my strongest empathy comes with my kids - I may take their pain harder than they do and I won't be able to bear it. I'd much rather anything bad happen to myself than one of my kids. I can bear anything on myself but I can't bear it with my kids. It's actually terrible and would be what I consider the worst thing about being a parent.
Anyhow - hope this makes sense.

 

[Ginseng]

How do you feel about your own sense of empathy? Do you feel lacking or do you feel it is one of your strengths? Do you think the common perception is accurate or misleading?

I think I have a great deal of empathy. I have always felt deeply, to the point of intense pain. I was never able to hit my older sister back when she would hit me (when we were kids) because I was afraid I would hurt her and I could not bear to hurt her. I never did understand how she could hit me. In fact, I never understood my family. I can not tell you how many times I heard in school that I had a no care attitude. They did not know that I cared let alone that I cared so deeply. could not bear the level of care that I had. I tried to shut it down and dissociate from it. But it was always there. I always felt. The first time I heard there was such a thing as a psychopath and that they did not feel pain, I was so envious. I wanted so much to be like that. I can be in a room and see someone across the room and feel their pain. I will go to them and I have never been wrong. They are amazed that someone could see it. They would think it was hidden. I think I have a great deal of empathy, more than the average person.

 

[BrokenBoy]

Yesterday I started work on the script for the next Autistamatic video on the subject of empathy within autism. It's always struck me that the accepted ideas of autism suggest we lack empathy yet so many of us consider ourselves to have a deep sense of empathy with others.
What I thought was going to be a simple topic turned out to be far more layered and complex than I originally thought. I try to keep my YouTube videos quite short - between 10 and 15 minutes - but this topic has already expanded to at least two videos so I thought I'd throw it open to the community to see what your opinions and feelings are on the subject.
How do you feel about your own sense of empathy? Do you feel lacking or do you feel it is one of your strengths? Do you think the common perception is accurate or misleading?
Obviously any responses will be anonymous. No names or screen names will ever be mentioned, but if you are particularly eloquent I may want to quote your observations in which case I will ask your permission

I hardly feel empathy at all. I tend to be either apathetic to the plight of others or find pleasure or humor in their pain. However, I can feel empathy sometimes for certain people who I am close to. But even then sometimes I just can't feel it and do what I mentioned above. I don't think it's my autism that does this though. It's a mix of my personality, and my depression causing me to feel numb most of the time. However this only applies to real people. I feel empathy way more often for fictional characters than I do for real people. I just happen to like fictional characters better than real people in general.

So yeah, that's my take on it. The notion that autistics can't feel empathy is stupid. And if they do like I do, it's because of external factors unrelated to autism.

 

[Fino]

I feel I have far too much empathy, to the extent that I consider it to be the cause of a lot of my emotional difficulties. The first time I ever truly experienced depression was in response to a book about child abuse. I can't stand to hear sad news stories because they have the potential to ruin my entire day. If I see a person or animal hurt in any way (which means I'm very careful with what media I expose myself to) then I feel physical pain. If someone nearby is angry, anxious, sad, or tired, I'll feel some of that, unless I consciously, and with great effort, choose not to. I constantly want to fix people's problems, including just this morning when my student's mother turned out to be sick and I *insert long story* did much more than would be expected.

BUT, and I don't yet understand this and haven't tried too hard yet, I don't feel anything in certain situations. Someone close to a friend of mine died of cancer, and I feel nothing. Everyone at my school is mourning the death of an employee, and I feel nothing. My brother is very sick, nothing. When people rant about their stresses, work, school, relationships, etc, I don't care.

I don't know. I'm actually pretty confused about it all. Maybe other people's posts and your subsequent videos will help.

 

[Fino]

I think I have a great deal of empathy. I have always felt deeply, to the point of intense pain. I was never able to hit my older sister back when she would hit me (when we were kids) because I was afraid I would hurt her and I could not bear to hurt her. I never did understand how she could hit me. In fact, I never understood my family. I can not tell you how many times I heard in school that I had a no care attitude. They did not know that I cared let alone that I cared so deeply. could not bear the level of care that I had. I tried to shut it down and dissociate from it. But it was always there. I always felt. The first time I heard there was such a thing as a psychopath and that they did not feel pain, I was so envious. I wanted so much to be like that. I can be in a room and see someone across the room and feel their pain. I will go to them and I have never been wrong. They are amazed that someone could see it. They would think it was hidden. I think I have a great deal of empathy, more than the average person.

This! And that first part is also part of the problem I had with bullying. I couldn't bring myself to hit back. I thought about it, tried to, but I couldn't do it, so I just kept getting hit and did nothing.

Thanks, Momster.

 

[OkRad]

I feel very deeply and ache for people and animals and even insects.

I think the confusion is that we are accused of not having emotions because we do not express them in ways that NTs find acceptable.

Is it acceptable to hold a friend quietly and say nothing? No. Is it acceptable to say nothing when someone is crying? No. Is it acceptable to silently stoke the arm of someone we love, saying nothing, but feeling? No.

We have to learn to interact verbally, physically, and continue to drop visual hints that we care......and that can be exhausting and confusing.

I would wager than Aspies feel much more than NTs and on a deeper and more meaningful level. We just can't express it like they want us to.

 

[Pats]

This! And that first part is also part of the problem I had with bullying. I couldn't bring myself to hit back. I thought about it, tried to, but I couldn't do it, so I just kept getting hit and did nothing.

Thanks, Momster.

Same here. Could never hit someone or deliberately hurt even my enemies. I've said repeatedly in my life that I'd never want to make anyone feel the way I've been made to feel.

 

[Pats]

Thinking about it, that was my sister's first argument about my autism. She said I couldn't be because I was empathetic.

 

[Autistamatic]

This is fantastic feedback so far. Thank you. I want to be as representative of us as possible in my work and I really appreciate every opinion and story.

 

[Pats]

This is fantastic feedback so far. Thank you. I want to be as representative of us as possible in my work and I really appreciate every opinion and story.

You're doing a wonderful thing.

 

[xDominiel]

I feel very deeply and ache for people and animals and even insects.

Same. I still remember the time one of my mother's boyfriends told his kid it was fine to slowly squish a passing snail to death (for no reason other than being bored, might I add) as long as he did it with an object so he wouldn't get filthy from the slime.

I would wager than Aspies feel much more than NTs and on a deeper and more meaningful level. We just can't express it like they want us to.

Speaking for myself, this has certainly been my experience. I've constantly been caught off-guard by how little people care, or worse, how actively malicious they often are. It gets to the point that I start to just assume everyone around me is a terrible person until proven otherwise. Which is sad, because I used to be the kind that wanted to see the best in everyone.

 

[Judge]

This is fantastic feedback so far. Thank you. I want to be as representative of us as possible in my work and I really appreciate every opinion and story.

You certainly have my vote. You may be one of us, but you have the gift to communicate in a special way on a very special issue.

I still recall the stinging experience I had attempting to explain ASD from an insider's perspective to an online Neurotypical audience. I got no words of encouragement. Only people suggesting that someone else give such a presentation. But then I also recall telling people that no, I'm certainly not an ideal candidate for any public relations campaign.

 

[BraidedPony]

I feel other people’s pain too, especially physical pain. If I’m watching basketball and a player twists his ankle for a brief second I feel it. I’ve learned not to cry out loud but it’s so sudden, sometimes I do. I can tell if it’s his knee or ankle and if he will be able to come back in the game or not.
When someone is in emotional pain, I will know it right away but I won’t know what is wrong exactly and therefore won’t know how to respond. Are they needing space? Comforting hug? So I try to pretend I don’t notice because maybe they are embarrassed?
Exactly like another poster said, I have to be careful what I watch on tv. If there is ANY animal suffering, I cannot stand it. A few years ago I was watching a documentary about raising animals for food and when I saw how they were treating... anyway...I started screaming and crying and couldn’t think to turn the channel. I was married at the time so hubs changed the channel and yelled at me for something, I don’t remember, bothering him I guess with my sensitivity? I keep the remote close by now at the ready.
I’m not empathetic though when an adult causes their own distress. For example, my neighbor smokes cigarettes and is having a hard time healing from surgery. I think that smoking at her age, 70s, is stupid and if she were to care about her health she would quit.
Another time I don’t feel empathy is when people have an addiction and don’t even TRY to stop. Alcohol, opiates, gambling. Yeah it’s addictive but just stop. That’s what I think and I know studies show it’s hard to quit but...I guess I just don’t have patience when someone doesn’t use their brain over physical need.
Then there are times when I’m working on a special interest and it becomes more important to me than how someone is feeling, if I even notice. Unless the house is on fire or someone in the immediate family had died, then I want to be left alone.
An NT would probably say I’m cold because I’m not there for them 100% of the time. But on the other hand it took me many years to learn to not take on the pain of others so that I can function.

 

[Judge]

Thinking about it, that was my sister's first argument about my autism. She said I couldn't be because I was empathetic.

Yep. A classic example of misunderstanding a series of traits and behaviors that are on a spectrum. Reflecting many different variations, manifestations and amplitudes of autistic behavior.

In other words, tell sis that we're far more complex than that. Forget "Rain Man".

 

[Fino]

A close friend of mine once texted me a picture of himself holding a fish he had just caught. I had always been disgusted by the concept of fishing, but something about how proud he looked holding it and maybe partly because he's one of the kindest, most loving people I've ever met and yet here was gleefully holding up a fish he killed for no reason... that sentence kept going and I don't know to end it. Anyway, I was so horrified, I became vegan for a year LOL What a reaction I guess it took that long to recover, because one day I suddenly didn't feel the need to be vegan all the time. Maybe my subconscious was trying to make up for the unnecessary death of the fish, but that should only take a day or two.. Silly subconscious.

This memory was triggered by @BraidedPony. Thank you.

My exclamation point key is not working so I had to find other ways to express myself in this post.

 

[AuBurney Tuckerson]

I do feel empathy, but I feel "fake" when trying to express it. I feel the same way when I'm trying to express how happy I am to see something or someone. I can't even smile right.

 

[GrownupGirl]

NTs don't show empathy towards us.