Autism and discipline

[MikeMarkCA]

I need some advice on the proper way to discipline a 7 year old autistic ball of fire.
My wife (grandson’s grandmother) in my opinion treats the boy too much like the boy is a baby.
Away from my wife, the kid is well behaved around me. I’m not a hard ass with the boy, but I call him out when he doesn’t listen, or when he doesn’t do what he is told, my wife let’s him skate on both, always citing his autism. She will go as far as telling me the kid is scared of me, which I do not see at all.
The child’s mother (our daughter) has expressed that when the boy comes home after spending a few nights with his grandmother, is unruly and misbehaved.

So my question is this, is there anything wrong interacting with an autistic child as you would a child with no autism? Should you not demand the same behavior, discipline the child the same way you would a child without autism?

I can’t help from thinking babying the child with autism, defeats the puropose of achieving a normal living condition as possible for the kid as he gets older.
I have fears, fears of other kids taking advantage of him, talking him into doing things nobody else will do. He is a very brave kid, I fear he will be talked into becoming the fun for other kids.

Not looking for a clear cut answer, just looking for thoughts..

 

[BraidedPony]

What do you mean by “babying” him. This could mean so many different things to different people. Could you give more specific examples?

 

[Tom]

Many people have more serious problems with kids later on if they were given in to too much early on. Discipline is a very important tool in training. But it has to be understandable to the kid, which can vary based on cognitive abilities of the kid. The one giving the discipline also has to understand the kids abilities. What motivates an autistic child can also be quite different from an NT. But in general setting basic rules and consequences of breaking rules is reasonable. Once set it is important to stick to it. Many kids will raise the ante to get what they want. From complaining, to crying to screaming to tantrums, or self injury or hitting/biting others. Parents/Guardians are frequently worn down by this and give in just to re-establish peace. Until next time.

 

[Crossbreed]

So my question is this, is there anything wrong interacting with an autistic child as you would a child with no autism? Should you not demand the same behavior, discipline the child the same way you would a child without autism?

Start off with the same tactics that you would use for an NT child. Keep using them as long as they work. When they don't work as they should, it is probably due to his autism. That is when you should take a closer look at his particular situation, and adapt accordingly.

 

[Fino]

I had zero discipline and the fears you describe at the end happened to me exactly as you said. A balance of discipline is good, so if they're 100% babying/enabling then you're probably right.

A description of a particular scenario would be helpful, though, I think.

 

[Judge]

I was raised in a military family. Discipline demanded, compliance expected- Sir.

Though my parents never had any knowledge that I could be on the spectrum of autism. Oddly enough my NT brother didn't conform so well to this level of discipline. Go figure.

Looking back, I have to admit it was much more of an asset to me than a liability.

 

[Gracey]

There are many different types of relatives involved in the lives of my children.

Some more disciplined, some with greater expectations and higher standards than others. Some who care less about boundaries and more about other things.

I’m grateful for the influences and input from all of them. It’s a reality that not all people are the same.

There’s no one absolute way to raise children.

It’s been mentioned previously, by @Crossbreed I think,

When something isn’t working, tweak it. Consider what you’re working with and get creative, adapt an idea slightly.

I haven’t met anyone yet who hasn’t worried about their child’s future.
Will they be able to stick up for themselves?
Will they be easily manipulated and taken advantage of?
Do they understand money? How to earn it and understand the responsibility of paying bills?
The consequences of not paying bills?
You’re in good company

My (biological) grandson comes to stay with us.
He leads his mum a merry dance, his dad (my son) less so, his grandad, somewhat, but me?...
... it’s as if he will try the same things on first arriving in order to be met with consistent boundaries.
Like those boundaries are important to him, he can rely on me to stay consistent, after being met with boundaries, he relaxes and is less agitated or provoking.

I’m not harsh and he isn’t afraid of me.

He’ll come over to me if he’s fallen over and hurt himself, he’ll tell me if other relatives have frightened him by shouting or slamming doors,
He comes to me with information and questions about many things.

He also knows I’m the one who has all the time in the world to listen to him and engage his busy brain in some sort of structured activity

 

[MikeMarkCA]

What do you mean by “babying” him. This could mean so many different things to different people. Could you give more specific examples?

Well I would say allowing him to ignore what he is told, the throwing of mini-tantrum if told he can’t do what he wants. He does this with my wife, but not me.

 

[Gracey]

He does this with my wife, but not me.

It’s effective with your wife

 

[MikeMarkCA]

There are many different types of relatives involved in the lives of my children.

Some more disciplined, some with greater expectations and higher standards than others. Some who care less about boundaries and more about other things.

I’m grateful for the influences and input from all of them. It’s a reality that not all people are the same.

There’s no one absolute way to raise children.

It’s been mentioned previously, by @Crossbreed I think,

When something isn’t working, tweak it. Consider what you’re working with and get creative, adapt an idea slightly.

I haven’t met anyone yet who hasn’t worried about their child’s future.
Will they be able to stick up for themselves?
Will they be easily manipulated and taken advantage of?
Do they understand money? How to earn it and understand the responsibility of paying bills?
The consequences of not paying bills?
You’re in good company

My (biological) grandson comes to stay with us.
He leads his mum a merry dance, his dad (my son) less so, his grandad, somewhat, but me?...
... it’s as if he will try the same things on first arriving in order to be met with consistent boundaries.
Like those boundaries are important to him, he can rely on me to stay consistent, after being met with boundaries, he relaxes and is less agitated or provoking.

I’m not harsh and he isn’t afraid of me.

He’ll come over to me if he’s fallen over and hurt himself, he’ll tell me if other relatives have frightened him by shouting or slamming doors,
He comes to me with information and questions about many things.

He also knows I’m the one who has all the time in the world to listen to him and engage his busy brain in some sort of structured activity

Well there is a good example. The kid will fall down, I tell him to shake it off and he does. With his grandmother he’ll ask for a bandage, where I’ll tell him “you are fine, you don’t need a bandage, my wife will get the first aid kit out and let him bandage where he perceives he is injured, and allows him to make a big deal over it. That is just a small sampling. I try to instill a certain degree of discipline,she treats him as if his autism is a reason to let him carry on where a (NT) child I don’t believe would be allowed.

What exactly does NT stand for?

 

[MikeMarkCA]

I really want to teach him manners, respect, and staying in line as I would a non-autistic child, are there valid reasons I should back off of those same life lessons because he is autistic?

 

[Gracey]

N T - neuro typical.

Using the falling over example,

I’d consider both bandage or shaking it off perfectly acceptable.
(Depending on injury)

 

[Gracey]

I really want to teach him manners, respect, and staying in line as I would a non-autistic child, are there valid reasons I should back off of those same life lessons because he is autistic?

I’d wager if you could gauge the ‘outburst’ accurately -ish

By that I mean a regular, mini, ‘pushing it’ kind of outburst to something that would indicate there’s more going on (inside)with him.

Potential for a melt down. More intense kind of outburst.
If you’re confident in assessing a situation, then I’m of a school of thought that can’t see why not.

I have with my own. Comes from knowing them and their capabilities.

When to try to move things forward, when to back off slightly, knowing I may do more damage than good with a straight forward approach and so adapt it to suit.

also being able to tweak some of my own beliefs/ ideals.
You know, in the grand scheme of things how important is it that my child understands such and such in meticulous detail,
Or would a basic idea suffice, for now.

 

[Nervous Rex]

Away from my wife, the kid is well behaved around me.

All children, autistic or not, are incredibly efficient test engines. They are always testing the boundaries. They find out exactly what works to get them what they want in every environment and adapt their behavior accordingly. They don't need to be taught to do this and they aren't being 'manipulative' when they do it - they're just learning.

Every interaction is either a reward or punishment and will either reinforce or weaken the neural pathways that led to the behavior in question. If you want them to change their outputs, you need to change their inputs.

My children are aware of this to the degree that their most common complaint about me to their mom is "Mooom, Dad's being a bad example!" Usually they're right. But I change my behavior after that. Why? Because I also am an incredibly efficient test engine.

 

[tducey]

To me, discipline has to start at home and right away. Within reason a child with Autism should be treated no different than 1 without Autism.

 

[rollerskate]

I need some advice on the proper way to discipline a 7 year old autistic ball of fire.
My wife (grandson’s grandmother) in my opinion treats the boy too much like the boy is a baby.
Away from my wife, the kid is well behaved around me. I’m not a hard ass with the boy, but I call him out when he doesn’t listen, or when he doesn’t do what he is told, my wife let’s him skate on both, always citing his autism. She will go as far as telling me the kid is scared of me, which I do not see at all.
The child’s mother (our daughter) has expressed that when the boy comes home after spending a few nights with his grandmother, is unruly and misbehaved.

So my question is this, is there anything wrong interacting with an autistic child as you would a child with no autism? Should you not demand the same behavior, discipline the child the same way you would a child without autism?

I can’t help from thinking babying the child with autism, defeats the puropose of achieving a normal living condition as possible for the kid as he gets older.
I have fears, fears of other kids taking advantage of him, talking him into doing things nobody else will do. He is a very brave kid, I fear he will be talked into becoming the fun for other kids.

Not looking for a clear cut answer, just looking for thoughts..

Actually IMHO you should parent most children like you would an autistic child, and not the other way around. That means - having honest, open discussion about their behavior, finding out their thought patterns and brain storming together to figure out new coping techniques (it doesn't come automatically to an autistic child), and focusing on positive discipline in which they earn privileges and rewards, and can see their day to day progress on a chart to help them become more self aware as well as help motivate them to keep trying. And even you see them trying but falling short, encouraging them, and talking again if necessary as a mentor, not a judge and jury. They don't think the way a normal child does. And honestly no child thinks like an adult, which is why it's so important to go gentle and encourage them, help them figure out how to follow your rules. Growing up is tough, especially on a kid that has problems with executive functioning, social behavior, and sensitive senses, among other things. They get enough criticism from other kids and teachers at school and adults in public. Home should be a place of restoration and a renewal of hope. Not negative reinforcement of the negativity on the outside world.

 

[Autistamatic]

I don't have kids, but I used to be one and after 30 years of adulthood, my reaction to "discipline" has not changed.
If you want me to do something or to behave in a particular manner then I need a reason. I have to understand the logical process of why and how it benefits me and/or others to choose behaviour A rather than any of B through Z.
Once I understand it I adopt it. Telling me that something "just is" without an explanation gives me no incentive to change. I don't need rewards or punishment to direct my behaviour, just an understanding of why it's important.
I was like this when I was 5 years old and I'm still the same approaching 50. I know I'm far from alone in this too

 

[MikeMarkCA]

I don't have kids, but I used to be one and after 30 years of adulthood, my reaction to "discipline" has not changed.
If you want me to do something or to behave in a particular manner then I need a reason. I have to understand the logical process of why and how it benefits me and/or others to choose behaviour A rather than any of B through Z.
Once I understand it I adopt it. Telling me that something "just is" without an explanation gives me no incentive to change. I don't need rewards or punishment to direct my behaviour, just an understanding of why it's important.
I was like this when I was 5 years old and I'm still the same approaching 50. I know I'm far from alone in this too

Interesting, so what you are saying is that you have never been one to accept rules, unless you can see and understand why the rule is in place, or benefits you?
Has that caused many problems in life?
Your average adult in the workplace will follow many rules they don’t agree with or see the benefit of in their work history, did your unwillingness to accept rules you disagree with ever cost you problems?

 

[Nervous Rex]

Interesting, so what you are saying is that you have never been one to accept rules, unless you can see and understand why the rule is in place, or benefits you?
Has that caused many problems in life?

That was me, too. I remember several occasions when I was around 3 - 5 years old where my parents told me not to do something, but didn't tell me why. So, I immediately ran to do the thing, so I could see what would happen. Among other things I learned firsthand is why you don't put too much toilet paper in the toilet.

 

[rollerskate]

Interesting, so what you are saying is that you have never been one to accept rules, unless you can see and understand why the rule is in place, or benefits you?
Has that caused many problems in life?
Your average adult in the workplace will follow many rules they don’t agree with or see the benefit of in their work history, did your unwillingness to accept rules you disagree with ever cost you problems?

It causes problems at a standard job. But autistics tend to have the benefit of solitary, specialized interests that can get them into careers that don't require much social interaction (or a boss). It's not as much a disability as it is being differently abled. If you put a fish in water, it will swim, but if you put it on the land, it'll die. An autistic is a fish out of water until they get a job that aligns with their specialized interests and needs. It's not impossible to work. Just need a different work environment than most people are used to. If they're skilled and talented, many employers will make accommodations. It's being employed for your independent skills vs being employed to follow orders and or socialize. Feed his specialized interests early, and his specialized interests will feed him as an adult.