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Autism and Dating

AutistAcolyte

AutistAcolyte

Well-Known Member
I'm trying not to get ahead of myself, but this past weekend I had such an interesting interaction, and I've shared it with my brother in law, but am curious about some autistic feedback.

There's a woman at my church who I'm attracted to, and we've spoken briefly in passing, but I've always been with someone, and we'd never had a one on one interaction.

This past Sunday, I passed her as she was leaving and she told me she was going to a local lunch spot that we both like, which is the only place I've seen her outside of church. She asked if I was going as well, and I told her I wasn't sure. I spent some time catching up with my friends from church after that.

When I was leaving, I decided to drive by the lunch spot to see if she was still there, and she was! I parked, got a baguette to take home, mostly because I didn't want it to seem like I was going there just to see her.

I sat at the table she was at, and we ended up talking for nearly an hour about all kinds of things, and she told me that she doesn't usually do much during the week aside from work and that she would like to get together with some friends.

This is the part where I'm not sure what to think. I don't know if she's interested in me as a friend, or as a potential partner. I've asked my friends if they'd like to get dinner this week at one of our usual spots, and am planning on inviting her, so I think I'll just have to wait until then to find out more.

All this to say, I'm very excited because this is the first time anything like this has happened to me! Curious to know if anyone has experience with this sort of thing. Thanks!
 
That is very nice that she has noticed you and perhaps values a connection. By all means if you are inviting friends to dinner you can mention that to her. Don't be too invested in an acceptance from her so you won't be dissapointed, but that definately signals your interest and lets her make the choice. Good Luck. Just be open to her preferences and let things unfold at a pace that is good for you both.

In relationships I have regretted things that I did not do, not those where I was actively expressing my enjoyment at being with a person I liked.

You may have read some of my posts about my meeting my spouse. It started with a call to inquire about car pooling to a trip we both signed up for and we spoke frequently about gear and preparation for trail maintenance. Little did I know she was hoping to meet a guy who she could do outdoor recreation with. We became friends, lovers and still enjoy outdoor recreation together, 47 years later.
 
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We can date? The things I regret most are the things I could have done but didn't. Follow through but don't push it, just see where things go. It seems to me that a platonic friendship can turn into a romantic one in time. DON'T MASK!! You may have hit the Autism Jackpot, don't mess it up. Best of luck with this.
 
Thanks everyone! I called her this afternoon and she seemed excited (she said something along the lines of "i don't think i have plans, but if i do i'll have to cancel them")

I'm trying not to get too invested too soon. I hope i'll have a more full perspective after this weekend! :)
 
Shamar said:
We can date? The things I regret most are the things I could have done but didn't. Follow through but don't push it, just see where things go. It seems to me that a platonic friendship can turn into a romantic one in time. DON'T MASK!! You may have hit the Autism Jackpot, don't mess it up. Best of luck with this.
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That sounds very nice. Be respectful and accepting of her. And it is OK to express your enjoyment at being with her. Be certain to follow up no more than a day later to let her know that you enjoyed the time. That follow-up and communication is important in maintaining a relationship.

When I met my future spouse, she had guys who ghosted her and she felt bad about that. I was determined to follow up after the wonderful time we had on the trip we met on and that immediately put me in the category of "keeper." Everybody enjoys the complement that they are noticed, respected, and valued. If you are truly interested in that woman, please let her know that she is valued.
 
AutistAcolyte said:
This is the part where I'm not sure what to think. I don't know if she's interested in me as a friend, or as a potential partner.
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Oh yes. "Crunch time", when one of the other of you has to stick your emotional neck- and ego out and make that "first move" to make intentions crystal clear.

And if and when it happens, how so much changes. But the risk is worth it.
 
Update for today: She let me know that she has the flu, and was hoping she would be feeling better by tonight, but she won't be able to make it.

I told her I hope she gets well quickly and I'll call her again soon.

I'm disappointed of course that plans are changing, and I'm also trying to remember that I don't want to put so much expectation on one event.

It's also calling to mind the times I've been stood up or ghosted on the day of, and those feelings aren't pleasant. I'm also glad that she let me know she's sick in advance and gave me a few hours to readjust.

I'll still go tonight with my friends, and I'm sure we'll enjoy ourselves, I'm just mentally working through the change in plans.

Additionally, I told her to let me know if I could get her anything while she's sick. I debated doing this, and if it was a stranger I wouldn't, but I hope because we know each other from church it comes off as the nice gesture I mean it to be.
 
We had a nice dinner out just my brother in law and another friend who are both neurotypical or at the least not autistic, and i talked them through everything that's happened, and they seemed to think she was pretty directly flirting with me, so that was good to hear and I hope they're right.

I'll call her again next week and set up another dinner, my friends are excited to meet her, so I'm hoping everything goes well!

Edit: my brother in law has met her before and thinks she's great, and when I told him something good had happened on Sunday he guessed that we had talked :)
 
OP, you can ask your brother if he thinks this woman is into you since he was able to tell that you spoke with her before.

Otherwise, if you aren't sure, then maybe after meeting her during the 3rd time, then you can ask her if she is looking to keep things platonic or if she is open to more.
 
AutistAcolyte said:
We had a nice dinner out just my brother in law and another friend who are both neurotypical or at the least not autistic, and i talked them through everything that's happened, and they seemed to think she was pretty directly flirting with me, so that was good to hear and I hope they're right.

I'll call her again next week and set up another dinner, my friends are excited to meet her, so I'm hoping everything goes well!

Edit: my brother in law has met her before and thinks she's great, and when I told him something good had happened on Sunday he guessed that we had talked :)
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Love reading your updates ☺️
 
I've been out of town this weekend, and with her being sick I wouldn't have seen her at church anyways, but we have texted a little bit.

She took a while to respond the last message I posted about here, but when she did she said she was sorry for not responding and that she thought it was sweet, but she had slept for most of the day. I told her I'm glad she's getting rest, and that I hope she feels well soon.

Then she texted a little bit later and invited me to a Japanese pop up restaurant that's happening next week, and I told her I would love that.

She clarified again that it will probably be a group going, which confused me as far as what she's interested in, but my friends said she probably is interested and wants to get to know me more slowly and in a comfortable environment.
 
paloftoon said:
OP, you can ask your brother if he thinks this woman is into you since he was able to tell that you spoke with her before.

Otherwise, if you aren't sure, then maybe after meeting her during the 3rd time, then you can ask her if she is looking to keep things platonic or if she is open to more.
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I'm planning on having this same group of friends come to dinner with us soon and hopefully they can help me get a better read on the situation, but I agree with you I think either way I'll have to address it directly once we've spent some more time together.
 
Ok, update for the past week:
I texted her to ask how she was feeling when we got back into town and she thanked me for asking and said she was feeling much better. Then the next day I sent her a link to the website for the gallery that my art is in (we had talked about it at lunch) since it has been updated with photos for the current show.

Then on Friday my friends had planned to get together at the local park since it was the first sunny/hot day and we wanted to enjoy it, so I called her and invited her. She was working, so she couldn't go, but she said she would have loved to if she was available. A friend of mine confirmed that it's a good sign that she answered the phone very quickly even while she was at work.

Then I texted her today to confirm what time we're meeting for dinner tomorrow and she let me know that my friends are invited. Unfortunately they're busy (the girls are all in a bible study that meets on Tuesdays and my brother in law is out of town again for an artist talk for a show he curated). I told her we'll have to do something with my friends another time, but they're all very excited to meet her. She said she's going to see what her friends are doing.

All in all I'm still feeling good, and excited to spend some more time with her, we'll see how things go tomorrow
 
theres a woman i'm talking to i met on the app Hinge, she is interested for a first date, but i don't like to get ahead of myself, because i've been flaked on many times or had women lose interest in me before a second date could occur.
 
Steelbookcollector217 said:
theres a woman i'm talking to i met on the app Hinge, she is interested for a first date, but i don't like to get ahead of myself, because i've been flaked on many times or had women lose interest in me before a second date could occur.
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I've had the same experience, I think it's a good idea to try not to build things up so much. Good luck!
 
We had a nice dinner, she brought one of her friends who also goes to our church whom I hadn't met.

I've been watching videos about what to look for to find out if someone is interested in you, and it seemed to me like some of those boxes were checked, so I texted her this morning letting her know that I enjoyed the dinner last night and that if she would like to get together again, to send me her availability next week for a dinner with some of my friends.

Even if she wasn't interested as a date, I had a nice time. :)
 
She said she had a good time, and that she would like to do dinner next week, and when I asked her what days would work, she said "It was so nice yesterday! Yes, let's do it! I will let you know"

I was still waiting on her to send me nights she would be available when my friends decided on doing dinner Monday night, which was a little confusing to me since I told them I wanted to make sure she would be able to come.

I told her that we're thinking Monday, and that I hoped she would be able to make it, and she just responded again "I will let you know"

Now its Friday and I haven't heard from her since Wednesday. So now I'm confused again as to how she's feeling. In person it seems like we enjoy each other, but now it feels like she's avoiding me. I've decided to just let it be and go about my normal weekend until Monday and see what happens.

Maybe she is busy, maybe she doesn't know what her work schedule will be, I know she bartends part time. Maybe she isn't interested and is pretending to be comfortable with me in person? Whatever the case, I think I'll call her on Tuesday and let her know explicitly that I'm interested in her and let her make a decision from there if she'd like to date or just be friendly.
 
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