At What Point ---Friend or no?

[OkRad]

Hi
There is a person, for the longest time, I have been responding to her long ago offers to get together. But each time I say OK let's get together, there is no response. Oh, once every 6 months. I am daft with this stuff. At what point do you realize it's not just them being busy , etc?

 

[Fino]

In my opinion, if you offer to get together and it doesn't happen, you don't ever ask again. They have to ask. If they want to see you, they will bring it up.

 

[Ronin82]

I give people 3 chances. If we talk about getting together and it doesn't happen, they get 3 tries before I write them off as too busy or not interested and never contact them again. If THEY contact ME after that, I tend to ghost (not a good thing, I don't recommend ghosting...its super-rude!).

 

[Aspychata]

l think it's one of those empty offers. Sure, we need to meet and catch up. Not. It's a NT thing, an empty thing said. Like you run into someone you knew awhile back, and you say call me sometime. But you would be shocked if they truly called you. It's a polite way to end the conversation, just like, we should get together sometime.

 

[SimonSays]

Hi
There is a person, for the longest time, I have been responding to her long ago offers to get together. But each time I say OK let's get together, there is no response. Oh, once every 6 months. I am daft with this stuff. At what point do you realize it's not just them being busy , etc?

Sounds like you've reached that point.

 

[Major Tom]

I guess that's one of the pleasures of being a lone wolf in a foreign country. I just say straight up "No" if people ask me to go out and do something. I'd rather spend time alone in the quiet, using my brain in the ways I want to. I get enough social interaction from my jobs to make me never feel lonely.

 

[OkRad]

You all are right. The things is I really wanted to be their friend. So the idea of, "You blew it" doesn't apply. It makes me sad, but I will get over it. I think you guys are right. It will be awkward to see them at a meeting I attend because they will keep the dance up. "Oh, god to see you! Let's get together!" All warmth and love. And then, it's like a cliff. I hate that.

 

[Judge]

Sounds almost like "catfishing". That in essence whatever their response may be, they never intended to act on it. The desire to keep an online acquaintance as just that and no more.

 

[OkRad]

Sounds almost like "catfishing". That in essence whatever their response may be, they never intended to act on it. The desire to keep an online acquaintance as just that and no more.

Could be, indeed. But I do know her offline. As in I thought she was a friend! She was only offline, but the same thing perhaps applies. I confided in her, etc.... the whole thing. I feel deflated and ashamed, but I am sure I will move on. Closure would help. I wish she would just say, "You were a pity friend! Go away!" hee

 

[Skittlebisquit]

I think maybe its a social convention without any real intent, her inquiry may simply mean a type of formalized response is expected, perhaps a humorous aside. Wow sometimes my inner sheldon really shines forth, aint that something.

 

[Judge]

I think maybe its a social convention without any real intent, her inquiry may simply mean a type of formalized response is expected, perhaps a humorous aside. Wow sometimes my inner sheldon really shines forth, aint that something.

Good point. Perhaps a social convention that emphasizes superficial interactions over more meaningful ones. Scary, but I see a lot of this going on all around me.

 

[Skittlebisquit]

Role playing practice with a therapist helped me out, i said i hate chit chat and small talk, and she said it is a formality like a code or a language to be learned, it takes practice

 

[OkRad]

I decided to let it go and make no more advances or act on her offers. It makes me sad because she laid it on pretty thick several years ago and I really believed her. This happens to me a lot. Someone will get curious and play the LIKE card but it is only to get information. Once they get it, they are satisfied and jet off. But I am left thinking I had a friend, one that really wanted to understand me. It is hard for me to learn that people who say they care really may not. Some do and it is hard to sort it out before emotions get involved.

 

[Judge]

In the 21st century I have lots of "acquaintances".

As for the term "friends", I try not to think about it too much. Seems more of a myth or a distant memory than an enduring social concept.

Remaining unable to resolve whether this is more indicative of my own social limitations or simply a world where superficiality reigns supreme.

 

[OkRad]

In the 21st century I have lots of "acquaintances".

As for the term "friends", I try not to think about it too much. Seems more of a myth or a distant memory than an enduring social concept.

Remaining unable to resolve whether this is more indicative of my own social limitations or simply a world where superficiality reigns supreme.

Gosh, this is sad but true. I can't tell you how many times I thought something was deeper than it was. It hurts like a shredding knife.

 

[Gift2humanity]

l think it's one of those empty offers. Sure, we need to meet and catch up. Not. It's a NT thing, an empty thing said. Like you run into someone you knew awhile back, and you say call me sometime. But you would be shocked if they truly called you. It's a polite way to end the conversation, just like, we should get together sometime.

I like that, play on words.

 

[selena]

I give people 3 chances. If we talk about getting together and it doesn't happen, they get 3 tries before I write them off as too busy or not interested and never contact them again.

Yeah, 3 chances is a good rule in general. Everyone can have an off day, but three of the same response makes a pattern.

For a friendship to work, aside from the other person wanting to make as much effort as you, the chemistry also has to be there. I've met a handful of people who on paper looked like would be a good match for me (weird, introverted, etc.) but for whatever reason we just couldn't click in real life. Some friendships work better via texting, and that's ok too.

 

[Aspychata]

I like the breakdown of social circles. You have your inner circle of closest friends, family or nobody. You have the next social ring outside of that- maybe your neighbors, (they may come over an eat dinner), an occasional friend that you see every couple of months when they visit. Then you have your outer social ring of perhaps your hairdresser who knows a good deal about you but you don't go out with her or socially call her. Your relatives that you aren't close to fit in this ring. So if you look at your social contacts as in series of circles, then it's easy to visualise. Now, you can have a close friend that may migrate out ,(they move away, or a misunderstanding). You may have a friend on your outer ring move up to a inner circle, (a misfortune brings you together, you find out you have something in common). l like the explantion of this, and it helps you understand friendships better.

The other idea about this, it helps with keeping boundaries, and acting appro with the level you are in. I think being on the spectrum, we don't always understand social standing and where we stand and why we can't be friends with certain people. It kinda has to do with where you yourself are in their ring. If you are in their outer ring, they won't be calling or inviting you over. You maybe upset but eventually you move on.

And as a final thought,sometimes people's first and second rings are so crowded that they truly don't have time to be a friend. So don't internalize and think you aren't an interesting person, it's just they have alot going on already.

 

[paloftoon]

If you aren't sure about something, you need to ask back about a different day. If you don't get a response in two weeks on setting up a date, most likely it's not a friend. Unusual circumstances can happen, but I've met people that purposely make up stuff or use stuff as an excuse and don't intend to actually be a friend. I've also been in a situation more rarely where a potential friend/date was really in the hospital for two weeks. If you can't actually see something and things seem like they are dragging out, ask about doing a video chat.

These things are hard. Don't bother someone daily- give them some space. But ask them things that are going to potentially improve the quality of communication if you aren't getting what you need in the current form of communication- and you need to be okay improving the quality of communication too. Because, a real friend will be okay with video chats and hanging out with you in some way that both you and the other person are okay with.

If you're already doing video chat or able to meet the person in-person and still can't get the answers you need, then that person is probably not a friend.