Aspies and social life

[Verdandi]

I need to figure smth out. My Aspie ex accused me of not being able to have a social life because of me. This given the fact that I never told him to not do things, on the contrary, I more than respected his need for independence and going against my own wishes to join him sometimes at a party for instance.
We have been in contact (probably a bad idea) and he mentioned multiple times that he went into town, went drinking and partying and stuff. He even moved out (used to live alone) and moved in with 2 roommates. When I invited him for a coffee he bluntly rejected me. This is very confusing to me. Is it because Aspies have troubles with long-term commitments only and these gatherings are very limited so they can handle them better? Because a relationship requires empathy whereas other social encounters do not?

 

[Suzanne]

Probably a bad idea? How about a dreadful idea and all it is doing is prolonging your own misery?

It seems to me that he is trying to say, but is unable to say: I have moved on.

As hard as this is for you, he clearly does not love you. Perhaps he was in contact because he felt obliged to and so, by telling you that he has moved in with other people and going out alot, is saying: I don't need you in my life, please leave me alone.

Many apsies are in long term commitments; I have been married to the same man for coming up to 26 year's now and that is not a marriage based on pure love, but we both made that commitment and so, stick with it.

It is not really confusing; it is because you refuse to face up to the fact that this man does not love you and so, you are confusing yourself.

He is certainly blessed if he has a social life and good for him to have achieved that.

Please, for your own welbeing and future, move on from this character.

 

[Verdandi]

I find it hard to believe since he repeatedly told me he loved me but he is not able cope with emotions any more. At least not now. Moreover, he does text me without me taking initiative.
If it is true that he loved me, he could not switch off a feeling like that in such a short time.

 

[Suzanne]

I find it hard to believe since he repeatedly told me he loved me but he is not able cope with emotions any more. At least not now. Moreover, he does text me without me taking initiative.
If it is true that he loved me, he could not switch off a feeling like that in such a short time.

Ok, fair enough! But seriously, if that is the case, you need to block his calls, because he is being distructive to you!

You must move on, otherwise, you will suffer even more.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Perhaps asking 'is this an aspie trait' an excuse to avoid the unfortunate reality that it's over.

Think of his behavior as an individual person, and what that's telling you.

It's tough at the moment.

The statement ' you deserve better in the future' fits for you.

To get to that 'better' think about the best thing you need to do for yourself now.

 

[Judge]

I see a potential for two possible different diametrically opposed explanations here.

In terms of his neurological profile, in as much as he appears to be more social in general, he may simply not be able to handle emotional intimacy with a woman. Such things don't necessarily come naturally to us as things like sex might be. That while he can handle living in close proximity with others, he is able to do so because they present no complex "emotional challenge" as you may. IMO a further possibility of this explanation may lie in his inability to clearly verbalize it to you. Processing love and romance can be very difficult for males on the spectrum.

Loving someone doesn't mean they can exist with them 24/7. It may be contradictory, but for some of us that's just the way it is. Then again for him, "hanging out with the guys" may take little or no emotional energy in comparison.

Conversely he may simply have decided that he doesn't want to be grounded in a relationship with much of anyone. To be a free spirit without a "ball and chain". I'd think that's a pretty common consideration dynamic in faltering relationships. Which isn't neurologically based.

IMO for all the NT women who come here seeking answers to such dilemmas, in most cases they seem to reflect that whatever the issues and difficulties are, that they are far more about him than you. While we can be incredibly logical thinkers, when it comes to matters of the heart, "all bets are off".