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Featured Aspie son a condescending jerk??

Discussion in 'General Autism Discussion' started by Aspiegirl75, Apr 9, 2017.

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  1. Aspiegirl75

    Aspiegirl75 Active Member

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    My oldest son apparently was a classic Asperger's case, but I never knew! I had never heard of Asperger's when he was growing up, doctors never asked the right questions like they do now and I struggled with him his whole life, trying to talk to him in the way I knew he'd understand and try to explain every situation before and after, and just attending to and accommodating him as best I could without even knowing there was anything different about him.

    I guess the fact that I was an undiagnosed Aspie myself helped in me being 'in tune' with how he feels and what he needs.
    Anyway, our relationship had been so great until maybe he became 15 or so, when he just started becoming more and more disrespectful to me and his father.

    He managed to completely alienate his 20 months younger brother, they barely have a relationship anymore !
    Sometimes I would try to talk to him to make him understand how bad his behavior affected all of us, I would talk until my voice went and...nothing! Sometimes I'd just stop talking to him, in hope that he would realize he was wrong and apologize but....nothing!
    Punishing him by taking stuff away didn't work either.

    I still kept trying with the hope that some day when he's out of the house he would regret the way he treated us and maybe try to be better.

    Last fall after he turned 18 we finally found out about his Asperger's, and it was very helpful to finally find out that I didn't totally fail as a mother and the way he acts with us is not my fault, but it also came down like a ton of bricks on me that he will not likely change on his own.

    He attends an ivy league school now, has a ton of friends, participates in so many activities and is quite successful in his academic and otherwise life .
    He never calls or texts unless he needs something from me or just wants to let me know something , and quite often whether via text or in person when he comes back he is so unbelievably disrespectful and condescending, and I just can't take it anymore!!!
    He is not like that with anybody except us, his family! I don't know what to do anymore and I'm at the very end of my rope.

    Any advice, please?
    I'm currently not talking to him because of a condescending text, his father talked to him last week and told him to apologize, but he hasn't even bothered .
    At this point I don't want an apology , and I don't even want to talk to him at all, which makes me feel like a horrible mother.
    Please, any advice would be greatly appreciated! !!
     
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  2. Streetwise

    Streetwise Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    when i did what your son did (theres the ignore bad behaviour belief )
    my mother was strictish about arrogance as he is autistic and hormonal you need to talk to his tutors
    they are in loco parentis ,his beliefs are changing ,also slightly stressed by peers im not male so i cant comment
    i did attend a private school and it was slightly more strict than goverment schools
    i could advise him to stop it now my arrogance has been put to rest he'll get a shock if he doesnt stop nts use physical aggression more than autists
    and nts wont just take it
     
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  3. Gritches

    Gritches Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Yeah, I was just like that at that age. I went to a fancy school, I was a condescending prick, the problem was that life hadn't kicked me in the stomach in any meaningful way yet to teach me humility. Then that happened, and I started appreciating my parents more.
     
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  4. Suzanne

    Suzanne Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I am not a mother, but I was once a child lol

    Personally, as you say:, he has 0 respect for you both, so the question has to be: why? There has to be something or somethings, you both have done, in your son's mind, to warrant such behaviour toward's you.

    It has to be both you and your husband, because he is reacting badly to both and bounces toward's his younger siblings.

    Having aspergers, is no excuse for rotten behaviour, so perhaps, you accommodated him a little too much?

    Perhaps you could try asking him this: why are you so disrespectful to us? What have we done to you, that makes you like this? Write to us and be honest. We love you, but can't cope with this.

    Obviously, no guarantees for a turn around, but it may work.

    My sister's teen daughters were similar, but in truth, it was because my sister shouted at them and really unfair, so they reacted against her. I suggested that instead of barging into one of her daughter's room, screaming, why not knock on her door and then, sit on the bed and gently talk? Her daughter said to me: wow, auntie, did you say for mum to knock, because she did and I was amazed. My sister said: it worked sis.

    Not saying you scream and are unjust. But teens react when faced with unfairness.
     
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  5. Sir Les Patterson

    Sir Les Patterson Well-Known Member

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    Everyone is an individual. Being on the spectrum is not synonymous with being a jerk and so the "I discovered he has Aspergers and therefore it explains why he is a jerk". It would be convenient if it were the case. But it isn't.
    I am not going to blame you either. I say treat everyone as you expect to be treated. If he is being an ass, then do not humour his disrespect. This is line in the sand stuff.
     
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  6. Aspiegirl75

    Aspiegirl75 Active Member

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    Thank you all for responding!
    His attitude stems from the fact that he is now living on campus in college and everyone around him just looooves him. When I visited him, everybody I met said 'omg, x is so smart, he's so good at this or that, we absolutely love him!" And that's wonderful, but it gives him this false sense of superiority .

    It was the same in high school, but it was mostly his teachers as he is incredibly gifted, follows rules and has a sense of humor. So when we asked him to do something that he thought was inconvenient or told him no to something, he would develop that toxic attitude.

    @Sir Les Patterson , I drew that line in the sand when he still lived with us continuously and it worked to some extent. And you're right Asperger's and being a jerk are not synonymous, all I meant was the fact that he was self obsessed was a trait, at least according to what I've read.
    But, you are right as well about the line in the sand, ever since he went college, I've been overlooking his behavior because I don't want to alienate him. But he has to grow up sometime!
    @Streetwise he is very aware of how people outside of the house are like! To his credit, he knows how to act respectfully to others and when I call him on it, he says others don't give him a reason, as in they don't put any demands on him or say he's not allowed to take the car out for example!

    @Gritches I'm sorry you had to learn the hard way and hope to God that he learns before life kicks him down.

    @Suzanne I can assure you it's nothing we have done. And I've tried talking and have always respected his privacy.
     
    Last edited: Apr 10, 2017
  7. ladybug

    ladybug Well-Known Member

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    Its like you are here in the room with me....right now...!!

    My Aspie son is almost 18... its exam time and refuses to study... he needs to study... he is bright but lazy.... he has an attitude that is horrific.... his elder brother is away at uni.... his younger sis is at the same school, and doing well..... I am want to motivate him.... but all i get is rudeness... defiance... and disrespect... it is hard to remain positive when you are trying to help them... but they just can't see it...

    I feel your pain...!! lol
     
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  8. dragonwolf

    dragonwolf Well-Known Member

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    I agree with this one. It sounds like he's still in that rebellious teenager stage, and life hasn't beat him upside the head yet.

    Part of finding Independence from something can include a stage of "hating" it as a person tries to find and define themselves as separate from that thing.

    He's an adult now, so treat him as such. Ask him why he's treating you this way and if he continues, don't give him what he wants/needs when he comes to you for such things, and tell him that he's treating you poorly, so you're disengaging until he treats you better. Give him boundaries like what you'd give to other adults in your life.
     
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  9. Streetwise

    Streetwise Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    i DIDNT mean that- i meant if you like a reaction it usually spills over to an incident that you COULDNT anticipate
    i was polite but i thought (arrogance)i was brave im not
    i suffer from panic disorder and with AUTISM aggression is always hanging around its volatile
     
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  10. AustinTheAspie

    AustinTheAspie Just Another Member

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    See, this is why I'm getting a vasectomy in the future. If I had a kid like that, I would drown him, as horrible as that sounds. But in all honesty, how about telling all his "friends" all his embarrassing secrets from his childhood, and how he treats his parents like crap? Eventually someone will call him out on his bulls**t and disown him and spread rumours about how he's a disrespectful punk. Seriously, if I knew this kid in real life, I'd personally make sure that he respects people. Where is his dad, by the way??
     
  11. Aspiegirl75

    Aspiegirl75 Active Member

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    You are absolutely right! That's what I have decided to do, but my husband is making me feel guilty about it!
    I've never been able to set boundaries with people, so if things got out of hand, I just kind of pulled back little by little till I completely lost contact with them.
    So, this is uncharted waters for me, setting bounderies but not pulling away completely!
     
  12. Aspiegirl75

    Aspiegirl75 Active Member

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    I'll pray for you if you pray for me!! Lol!
     
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  13. AustinTheAspie

    AustinTheAspie Just Another Member

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    Have you ever tried kicking his punk ass out of the house, and drop him off in a crappy neighbourhood on a Friday night at 2 in the morning far away with cash in his pocket, and tell him to walk home? He'll grow up real fast, I promise.
     
  14. Aspiegirl75

    Aspiegirl75 Active Member

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    Oh, Austin, you crack me up! lol.
    If he ever gets that bad, I'll be sure to call on you! But for now I think I'll take @dragonwolf 's advice.
    His dad suffers the same wrath, I'm just the one who decided enough is enough.
     
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  15. AustinTheAspie

    AustinTheAspie Just Another Member

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    He'll get his ass kicked faster than you can say "Ivy League".
     
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  16. AustinTheAspie

    AustinTheAspie Just Another Member

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    Alright. Take dragonwolf's passive-aggressive advice. Call me when it doesn't work, sweetheart.
     
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  17. Diagnosed2015

    Diagnosed2015 Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    "You are unique, just like everyone else."

    Autism/Asperger's didn't make him a "jerk," and honestly, he may or may not realize he's being one.

    I was not diagnosed until my children were in their 30's (one of which should have been diagnosed by age 5), and there were a tremendous amount of issues that others refused to "believe," since as you said -- they only seemed to happen "at home."

    By 14, he had been diagnosed (incorrectly) with ADD and medicated. The medication alone helped him do a 180* change from horrible to wonderful.

    For me, I look back at my life and I was well-behaved, but rebellious. I hated (still do) being told what to do -- in fact, to this day I can't read a book or write an essay to a deadline. I can EDIT and do proofreader tasks for a deadline, but I can't read to one.

    I hate(d) authority, I want(ed) to be "bad," and I absolutely hated when I was asked "....to leave a phone call...(when I went out) ... in case there was an emergency..." I even started making up phone numbers to placate the questions, knowing full well I wouldn't be able to be "found" if anyone looked for me.

    Of course, that issue was moot when I got license plates with my name on them, right?

    I lost contact of one son, who was "slighted" due to the attention caused by other siblings. Of course, I've never had the opportunity to speak to him about his feelings, or explain what actually was happening, but each family often has at least one child who backs away, at least for a while.

    I was estranged from my mother until the last months of her life, and it's taken me a long time to recognize that for whatever reasons, my son has estranged himself from the family.

    Your son spends an exhaustive day existing in his world. I have often tried to explain by suggesting, "....waking up is exhausting, and it goes downhill from there."

    Everything he does takes emotional and physical restraint of some sort -- I know, because it's true with me, as well. At home, he needs a place to chill, to unwind, to be "himself" without fear of being attacked. I'm not suggesting you are physically abusive (or any other type of action).

    What I'm suggesting is that you are expecting too much. Disrespect doesn't have limits. There are things which show clear disrespect (swearing, ethnic or racial slurs, physical violence, etc.) and there are behaviors that can't be controlled because he doesn't understand why you don't like them, because HE HAS ASPERGER'S and part of the diagnosis is not being able to "figure out" social cues.

    Punishing him for a condescending text won't work, because he most likely sent you words WITHOUT inflection. That means, he might have written, ".....I've asked you three times to shut off the TV and it's still on." While the parent of an NT child might consider that to be anything from rude to disrespectful, the parent of an AS youngster reads, "Please listen to me. I've asked three times. Sometimes about the TV is bothering me. I don't know why. Please turn it off."

    My child used to come up from a basement bedroom in tears because of being able to "hear" the computer on. I would point to the computer and monitor and show they were "off," but the complaints would continue. It wasn't until my sensory issues hit overload (recently) that I understand how "unheard" sounds can bother someone if no one else can hear the same noise.

    Home has to be his "safe" place. Don't punish him for behavior he can't change, get him a therapist or coach for things he can change, and as a parent -- learn to know the difference (it's a paraphrase of the Lord's Prayer, I believe).
     
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  18. Jusdifferent

    Jusdifferent Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Wanna know a "secret". Pretty much everyone has them. ( Secrets, I mean. ) Yes, even aspies have secrets. Yes, even kids have them. In fact, sometimes kids have the biggest, baddest secrets around. I know; I was a little kid with a big secret. Your son may have one, and it may be a big, bad one that you know nothing about. ( I hope not; honestly, though - it's probably just youth, and hormonal BS, and will subside in time. ) But... If there is like an intense amount of rage, and it seems to be directed at you guys, mostly/exclusively... Dig deeper. Ask the hard questions. Have the uncomfortable conversations. There may actually be something to it.

    The way you are describing your son... That was me - way back when. ( Yes, I am a doctor diagnosed aspie. ) That was me, because I had rage about a legitimate, but secret issue. ( I was being severely abused by a pedo, and was angry at not being protected. ) ***Upon reading these awful words, please don't have the typical "knee-jerk reaction", and think : "Oh, no - NOT my child." Just think about it for a minute... Was there an exact time, ( like someone flipping a switch ), when things fell apart? Is there anyone/any place your son tries to avoid? Is there a lot of "acting out" - almost like he is desperately trying to tell you something in "code" you can't quite understand? ( BTW : Yes, "it" happens to boys, as well as girls. )

    Again... It's probably just youthful ignorance, and hormonal BS, and will subside in time. But if not - do some investigating. Yes, I have AS, but at one time, when we lived outside of Boston, I was the regional coordinator for SIA, ( Survivors of Incest Anonymous ). I, also, used to work with RAINN, back in the day. I know from multiple encounters, as well as my own experiences - kids on the autistic spectrum are often predatory targets - sad, but true. It's probably just a difficult "stage" he's going through, though. Either way - just "be there" for him. Like Tom Bodett - always "leave the light on" <3

    PS : If you ever need to - please feel free to PM me, but bear in mind, sometimes I can be slow to respond, ( several days "turnaround" ), as I do not "check in' on the weekends, and I have a lot going on right nowo_O Good luck to you <3
     
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  19. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member

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    I've never been a parent. I can only speculate on such a dilemma.

    That if I had a child who hated his own family for whatever reason, I'd be inclined not to support them beyond high school and wish them well as they choose to leave the household as a legal adult.

    Though I must say, this sounds particularly painful coming from an Aspie parent.

    I was always grateful for my parents helping me with education expenses, and worked with them in keeping down costs. Guess it helped that I loved them too.
     
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  20. Streetwise

    Streetwise Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    just in case youd like to look for it its the prayer of serenity the serenity prayer famously used at aa meetings
     
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