whatJimhasbecome
Active Member
People at work comment on my mutism. They say: You don't talk much...do you?
This is how they break the ice. I NEVER say anything about other people being weird. We both sat there silently not really acknowledging each other and it's their responsibility to be the accuser? I would really feel like a jerk if I walked up to someone after sharing a silence with them and start cutting them down or psychoanalyzing them. I'm not saying they are wrong...I don't like to talk to people. Not only do I look younger than I am, I don't get the handicap of IQ points given to people with glasses. Oh how I wish my eyes were bad! I wear cheapo reading glasses sometimes and despite the fact that they look ridiculous on me, people treat me like I'm smarter. Ever noticed how people treat idiots that have glasses? They still treat them as if they are a diamond in the rough of genius.
Ah, how to explain Asperger's to a neurotypical that knows nothing of it? First off, neurotypical dialogue doesn't allow for loquacity. Unless you are telling a story, you don't get to talk for much more than a paragraph before someone interjects. Secondly, neurotypical intelligence is low, on average. The average conversational IQ is what, like 100? People hear conversations and want to be part of them. The conversational IQ may go up after initial contact, but, by golly, it's gonna plummet once another neurotypical comes in to the conversation.
To you all, that kinda makes sense. To the neurotypicals I work with, that kind of thinking is wacko. I must be high and transcending in a New Age arc, in an ark.
Do I even deserve to have to be "the aspie" at work. Let's say that everyone at my job reads up on Asperger's and has a decent grasp on what it is and isn't...that doesn't change the fact that I'll still be the one with the issue, not them. They'll accommodate my kooky thinking and quirks...as if I shouldn't have them but it's okay...they'll accept Jim for who he is. It's contrary to human nature...right? Accepting people? Neurotypicals don't like to accept different people because it resets the paradigm a little. Weird is a little weirder and that means they're just a little more usual and boring. Specialists talk about how aspies have tapered and narrowed interests, but it's the nypicals with the tapered perception of the world. They are the ones that can't see the boxes outside of the box they think in. They don't know about the vast, infinite land of thought that rests just outside of what they can cognitively handle.
Yet, how do I tell people that they don't know what beauty is? That they don't have a firm grasp of business ethics? That they are rude idealists that wear incorrigibility as a perfume? I can't. I can't ease anyone into profundity, can you? Wouldn't that be an amazing thing!
Nypicals connect the dots in ways that seem useless and archaic. They send variables thru a function and conclude something crooked and sinister yet they don't have the mind to notice that such conclusions are preposterous! Hyper-vigilance is a virtue these days. Don't believe me, don't take your shoes off in an airport while vacationing with your different-race lover. Do it. Tell me we aren't wired to expect and idealize the worst and I'll tell you about Armageddon. Experts say that in times of great stress and uncertainty, people turn to religion. I guess it puts religion into perspective or something like that. Hyper-vigilance keeps people on the brink of freaking out. They expect a reason for action at any moment. Stress is a psychic homeostasis. It's part of them. Everyone is pushed by this hyper-vigilance to the brink of religiosity. Negativity dwell within them and the moment their plastic bubble of ignorance is burst, they are quick to assume the worst. Why connect dots like that? Why not realize the solution must be wrong if variables were computed to such a terribility?
There are so many things that I think of that seem rational but aren't. Why talk when I'm going to end up saying something really out-there? With blogging and whatnot, I can go back and delete things. I can't help if I think rhetorically. Neurotypicals speak in such a way that everything told has a point. Rarely does absurdity ever come into play. Even in joking, absurdity is reprehensible. Rhetoric is absurd. Therefore, rhetoric is reprehensible but I don't have to believe everything I type because of the rhetoric clause. I'm just thinking to think...it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about me thinking thoughts, I'm going to think these thoughts. They come and go. Most people improvise thinking sometimes.
I fear that I may never value nypical conversations and the way they unfold in such banal typicality. I keep pushing myself further and further into a intelligentsia that would completely astound you. It's like I'm the only person left with sight and I have to explain things to ya'll. This is how life really is. Everything you thought you knew is moot. And that, my friends, is part of the delusive thinking that aspies have. It's hard to stigmatize megalomania when you don't really feel all that human in the first place. In college, I learned that no one is entitled to anything. You have to work for everything or it's given to you. I'm not entitled to the belief that I am as unique as a music superstar or great writer. I'm just some dude. And, I'll tell you: For most of the day I am that humble. I AM just some dude.
Yet, my mind drifts...and it's usually after interaction with a neurotypical. It's like my narrowed mind was forced to align with a narrowed world-mindset and after that unity broke apart, the journey back to my own naturality is completely epic. To find my own center is treacherous and magnificent. I've laughed hysterically and spat on mawkish idealizing.
When I'm really tired and my brain has shut off, I feel analogous to nypicals. I wonder if that's the best time to talk to my work-people about being an aspie. I just really think that I'll never be able to explain this on a level that neurotypicals can handle. Part of me really digs that. Another part of me decays because of it. I can't be this serious and honest at work. I can't be imaginative and unpredictable. I can step out of line, but it can only be where others have stepped out too. I catalog all these in my head. They set next to the telescoping science I've broken my job into. How to handle the existence of work and how to perform the tasks delegated.
It's quite funny...how it all looks in my mind. As if there is another layer of reality that rests just above this one...and upon that layer rests everything I have to know to remain a functioning member of society...a necessity, right? I can see these rules and heuristics. They are just above my skin...spread out invisibly yet noticeable.
BUT, being an aspie is just knowing about the extensions of creativity. Like how some video games have expansion packs that you can buy so you get new levels and characters. I'm pretty sure I know what normal thought is and what an extension of normality is. It's analogous to how one can know how to change a tire but not much of the mechanical extension of thought. Or how one can like a song but not delve into the musical theory extension. Creativity is an extension of reality. Perhaps even the very-most average of thinking is just an extension of the purest of thought...the genesis of thought. The moment before a thought chooses a topic.
I believe that autistic people, in general, let their minds stay in their own extension. Some of us have the ability to step onto the real world for a while. Others seem permanently lost in their own extension. I wonder if being cognizant of being in an extension is enough to convince anyone to come back or if the extension was just a trap after all. Caged in an extension of creative thought that isolates. Keeps the real world just out of reach. The real world passes by and mutism takes over. Neurotypicals fall further into ignorance and perhaps I'm to blame.
Perhaps this is all a game. For now, I better meander about this extension...for I have neglected extremity for long enough.
This is how they break the ice. I NEVER say anything about other people being weird. We both sat there silently not really acknowledging each other and it's their responsibility to be the accuser? I would really feel like a jerk if I walked up to someone after sharing a silence with them and start cutting them down or psychoanalyzing them. I'm not saying they are wrong...I don't like to talk to people. Not only do I look younger than I am, I don't get the handicap of IQ points given to people with glasses. Oh how I wish my eyes were bad! I wear cheapo reading glasses sometimes and despite the fact that they look ridiculous on me, people treat me like I'm smarter. Ever noticed how people treat idiots that have glasses? They still treat them as if they are a diamond in the rough of genius.
Ah, how to explain Asperger's to a neurotypical that knows nothing of it? First off, neurotypical dialogue doesn't allow for loquacity. Unless you are telling a story, you don't get to talk for much more than a paragraph before someone interjects. Secondly, neurotypical intelligence is low, on average. The average conversational IQ is what, like 100? People hear conversations and want to be part of them. The conversational IQ may go up after initial contact, but, by golly, it's gonna plummet once another neurotypical comes in to the conversation.
To you all, that kinda makes sense. To the neurotypicals I work with, that kind of thinking is wacko. I must be high and transcending in a New Age arc, in an ark.
Do I even deserve to have to be "the aspie" at work. Let's say that everyone at my job reads up on Asperger's and has a decent grasp on what it is and isn't...that doesn't change the fact that I'll still be the one with the issue, not them. They'll accommodate my kooky thinking and quirks...as if I shouldn't have them but it's okay...they'll accept Jim for who he is. It's contrary to human nature...right? Accepting people? Neurotypicals don't like to accept different people because it resets the paradigm a little. Weird is a little weirder and that means they're just a little more usual and boring. Specialists talk about how aspies have tapered and narrowed interests, but it's the nypicals with the tapered perception of the world. They are the ones that can't see the boxes outside of the box they think in. They don't know about the vast, infinite land of thought that rests just outside of what they can cognitively handle.
Yet, how do I tell people that they don't know what beauty is? That they don't have a firm grasp of business ethics? That they are rude idealists that wear incorrigibility as a perfume? I can't. I can't ease anyone into profundity, can you? Wouldn't that be an amazing thing!
Nypicals connect the dots in ways that seem useless and archaic. They send variables thru a function and conclude something crooked and sinister yet they don't have the mind to notice that such conclusions are preposterous! Hyper-vigilance is a virtue these days. Don't believe me, don't take your shoes off in an airport while vacationing with your different-race lover. Do it. Tell me we aren't wired to expect and idealize the worst and I'll tell you about Armageddon. Experts say that in times of great stress and uncertainty, people turn to religion. I guess it puts religion into perspective or something like that. Hyper-vigilance keeps people on the brink of freaking out. They expect a reason for action at any moment. Stress is a psychic homeostasis. It's part of them. Everyone is pushed by this hyper-vigilance to the brink of religiosity. Negativity dwell within them and the moment their plastic bubble of ignorance is burst, they are quick to assume the worst. Why connect dots like that? Why not realize the solution must be wrong if variables were computed to such a terribility?
There are so many things that I think of that seem rational but aren't. Why talk when I'm going to end up saying something really out-there? With blogging and whatnot, I can go back and delete things. I can't help if I think rhetorically. Neurotypicals speak in such a way that everything told has a point. Rarely does absurdity ever come into play. Even in joking, absurdity is reprehensible. Rhetoric is absurd. Therefore, rhetoric is reprehensible but I don't have to believe everything I type because of the rhetoric clause. I'm just thinking to think...it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about me thinking thoughts, I'm going to think these thoughts. They come and go. Most people improvise thinking sometimes.
I fear that I may never value nypical conversations and the way they unfold in such banal typicality. I keep pushing myself further and further into a intelligentsia that would completely astound you. It's like I'm the only person left with sight and I have to explain things to ya'll. This is how life really is. Everything you thought you knew is moot. And that, my friends, is part of the delusive thinking that aspies have. It's hard to stigmatize megalomania when you don't really feel all that human in the first place. In college, I learned that no one is entitled to anything. You have to work for everything or it's given to you. I'm not entitled to the belief that I am as unique as a music superstar or great writer. I'm just some dude. And, I'll tell you: For most of the day I am that humble. I AM just some dude.
Yet, my mind drifts...and it's usually after interaction with a neurotypical. It's like my narrowed mind was forced to align with a narrowed world-mindset and after that unity broke apart, the journey back to my own naturality is completely epic. To find my own center is treacherous and magnificent. I've laughed hysterically and spat on mawkish idealizing.
When I'm really tired and my brain has shut off, I feel analogous to nypicals. I wonder if that's the best time to talk to my work-people about being an aspie. I just really think that I'll never be able to explain this on a level that neurotypicals can handle. Part of me really digs that. Another part of me decays because of it. I can't be this serious and honest at work. I can't be imaginative and unpredictable. I can step out of line, but it can only be where others have stepped out too. I catalog all these in my head. They set next to the telescoping science I've broken my job into. How to handle the existence of work and how to perform the tasks delegated.
It's quite funny...how it all looks in my mind. As if there is another layer of reality that rests just above this one...and upon that layer rests everything I have to know to remain a functioning member of society...a necessity, right? I can see these rules and heuristics. They are just above my skin...spread out invisibly yet noticeable.
BUT, being an aspie is just knowing about the extensions of creativity. Like how some video games have expansion packs that you can buy so you get new levels and characters. I'm pretty sure I know what normal thought is and what an extension of normality is. It's analogous to how one can know how to change a tire but not much of the mechanical extension of thought. Or how one can like a song but not delve into the musical theory extension. Creativity is an extension of reality. Perhaps even the very-most average of thinking is just an extension of the purest of thought...the genesis of thought. The moment before a thought chooses a topic.
I believe that autistic people, in general, let their minds stay in their own extension. Some of us have the ability to step onto the real world for a while. Others seem permanently lost in their own extension. I wonder if being cognizant of being in an extension is enough to convince anyone to come back or if the extension was just a trap after all. Caged in an extension of creative thought that isolates. Keeps the real world just out of reach. The real world passes by and mutism takes over. Neurotypicals fall further into ignorance and perhaps I'm to blame.
Perhaps this is all a game. For now, I better meander about this extension...for I have neglected extremity for long enough.
