Aspie boyfriend?

[Any Fake]

I dated a man for the last 6 months. I moved in with him (long story). We broke up a few days ago. I told him in the last couple days that I highly suspect he is on the spectrum. I think he has Aspergers.

Here's why:

He is horrible at communicating and ignores me when he's upset
...and was like this with all of his ex-girlfriends. He told me that everyone he's dated has complained that he doesn't keep in touch. His friends have said it's like pulling teeth talking to him.

He goes away often to retreats, sometimes a week or 10 days at a time. While he's away, he barely communicates. A few texts, no phone calls, no emails. If I'm out of sight, I'm out of mind.

He went away and stayed with a friend for about a week. I barely heard from him. A couple short texts and nothing else. On the day he was supposed to be back, I texted him to ask when he would be home so I knew if I should make dinner. He wrote four words: "Staying longer. Probably Sunday". Sunday was 5 days away. He had no concept of how it would affect me when he decided to stay longer, without checking in, without phoning, without explaining why. That Saturday he was supposed to come with me to meet my family. He never apologized, never asked if it was ok to cancel that important dinner. His reason ended up being a good one: his friend was dying of cancer. It's the way he communicated it and his complete disregard for my family and our plans.

I found out later that the reason he didn't communicate with me while he was away is because he felt incredibly hurt by something I did and I had no idea what I had done. Apparently, he had asked me to look at a website he built and test it out. It was not working and I told him I tried, but it wasn't working. I was also in the middle of unpacking boxes and catching up on my own work, so I didn't have the brain space to fix his website. I told him so. I said something about being overwhelmed and I said I couldn't wrap my mind around it right now.

He was very, very hurt by this. Then, before he left for his trip, he went to his car and got my phone charger and brought it in the house. He later told me this was his "excuse" to get me to come say goodbye to him because he felt so hurt about the website. I had no clue. I was feeling nauseous and was in the kitchen and said something like, "Oh, the charger should stay in the car". I had said goodbye to him about 4 times. Kissed him, helped him pack, hugged him, and properly said goodbye. He expected me to read his mind that this phone charger was supposed to be my clue to come kiss him goodbye again after hurting him because I didn't look at the website.

And then he proceeded to ignore me for a week.

In person, quite often when I ask him a question, he just doesn't answer. He leaves a long silence (minutes) and it looks like he's thinking, but after several minutes, I give up. Sometimes it's because he doesn't want to talk, sometimes it's because he's zoned out. If he is in the middle of doing something (cooking, computer...) and I talk to him, he will not respond to me whatsoever if I engage with him.

If he doesn't want to share his feelings or thoughts, which is often, he just doesn't talk about it at all.

We were trying to figure out where we would live (long story). He made a whole pile of assumptions and kept them to himself. Whenever I brought up the topic, he wouldn't talk and kept these assumptions to himself. He assumed I would go rent a place on my own and pay a very high rent and then he would join me when he was ready. He doesn't communicate very important information to me. He just stays in his own world.

He takes what I say literally and has trouble with hypotheticals
For example, I was talking to him about his lack of communication. He said, "I will try and communicate better". Being the communication nerd that I am, I pointed out that "try" and "better" are not specific and doable (SMART goals). I gave him examples of what it might look like.

I said, "There are all kinds of ways to communicate better and if it's not specific, it's not doable. For example, you could text within a half an hour of receiving my text". I meant it hypothetically and that's not at all something I expect.

He jumped in and said, "I don't want to text every thirty minutes! I don't want to feel stressed about having to text you".

Even after I explained that it was hypothetical, he couldn't understand that I didn't literally mean that he had to text every 30 minutes.

Also, if I try to get through to him and feel frustrated and say something like, "Ugh! I give up", he shrugs, says, "Ok", and goes about doing something else.

He zones out
He is completely absent when he's engrossed in something. I have waved my hand at him and he just tunes me out.

He cannot retain what I say
He repeatedly misinterprets what I say and takes it personally. He often, often feels hurt by something he thinks I've said. Eventually I find out he was hurt and I explain what I actually meant. He nods his head and says, "That makes sense" or "I see your point". And then a week later or a month later he goes right back to insisting on what he thinks I said and acts hurt all over again. It's exhausting.

He repeats things
He often repeats things in threes. He also talks under his breath or murmurs quotes to himself.

He eats the same foods all the time
He hates food variety. Doesn't use sauces or spices. Just meat, potatoes, and rice with the occasional vegetable.

He was a chess champion as a kid
He was a whiz and went into Computer Science. He's now a web developer.

He is usually expression-less
The way he smiles has always perplexed me. He quickly smiles a half smile and then his face drops to neutral again. The expression on his face is almost always neutral. If he's having a good time (so he says), it doesn't show on his face. He slouches over and looks bored. I've asked him so many times if I'm boring him.

Occasionally, when he gets very excited, he jumps around in circles, flapping his hands almost like a 6 year-old would do.

He used to be addicted to video games
He had to go cold turkey to stop.

He is obsessed with one thing
...but it's not what you'd expect. His one focus in life is a spiritual teacher he discovered in his teens. He goes to the centre the person started several times in a year, has a gigantic collection of books related to the subject, collects memorabilia. He is only interested in talking about this or stock trading. Anything I talk about outside these topics don't interest him and he doesn't even feign interest for the sake of conversation or showing interest in my life.

He is blunt
He has made comments about my nose, my bum, and other things. He's the most authentic person you'll meet and although he's sensitive about hurting others, he won't refrain from saying things.

I'm sure there's more, but those are the ones I can think of for now.

I feel guilty having broken up with him because maybe he just wasn't capable of the things I was expecting from a partner. Although I'm incredibly frustrated and feel lonely with him because I just can't connect with him, I wonder if maybe I was too harsh and maybe, with the right help and the right diagnosis, we could have made something work. I'm mostly hoping for insight and advice.

 

[Judge]

Your observations are certainly in line for what would be considered some rather classic traits and behaviors of Autism Spectrum Disorder. I wouldn't feel guilty. You acted out on your own instincts which under such circumstances are probably your best option, given that these seem to be all things that bother you considerably.

Mixed relationships between Neurotypical and Neurodiverse couples aren't for just anyone. Even with a positive diagnosis you would still likely have to deal with issues such as those of his traits and behaviors that are "hard-wired" versus those which are not. And to what amplitude they be...whether very intensely manifested or hardly noticeable. Of course he'd have to acknowledge his being on the spectrum to begin with...which isn't always a simple matter in itself. It's a process...and often a "bumpy road" for many of us to attain enlightenment over who and what we are. With lots of "potholes" on the way.

The manner in which you have itemized these traits and behaviors leads me to believe you have far more disdain rather than any sense of tolerance for them. Not so? That becomes the real issue. Not whether he can attain a positive diagnosis and somehow be miraculously re-programmed to accommodate your Neurotypical perspective of social interactions. It doesn't work that way. Despite some perceptions, we aren't "Pavlov's dog". That what is central to it all is your choice- and ability to learn to tolerate and accept such traits and behaviors or figure out how to work around them.

If you truly want to make such a relationship work, you have to be potentially prepared to sacrifice a great deal of your perspective of such matters. To both understand and accept what he can and cannot change. That this isn't attitude, but rather neurology we're talking about. That it's quite possible that you may have to concede far more than he is able to give. And if this sounds completely disagreeable to you, then no harm, no foul in having backed out.

 

[Catana]

It does sound as if he's on the spectrum, but that's almost irrelevant. You seem to be trying to justify why you broke up with him, and that centers on his not doing what you expect of him. And, I don't mean to attack you, but if you want honesty, I have to say that some of your expectations are unrealistic and based on how you think he should have related to you, without much regard for his needs or desires. "I wonder if maybe I was too harsh and maybe, with the right help and the right diagnosis, we could have made something work." In other words, if he gets fixed, you might be able to have a relationship on your terms.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

"I wonder if maybe I was too harsh and maybe, with the right help and the right diagnosis, we could have made something work." In other words, if he gets fixed, you might be able to have a relationship on your terms.

The aspie translation is "It ain't broke and you can't fix it"

 

[Any Fake]

Your observations are certainly in line for what would be considered some rather classic traits and behaviors of Autism Spectrum Disorder.

Thank you for validating that. I felt bad "diagnosing" him, but it just makes so much sense and I felt so relieved because it finally gave me a frame of reference for how he behaves, rather than just feeling frustrated.

Mixed relationships between Neurotypical and Neurodiverse couples aren't for just anyone.

I feel bad. He's a sweet man with a huge heart. He's taken good care of me. I also know what it's like to have a disability or something that sets you apart and makes it very hard to date. So, I feel bad at how frustrated I became and feel disappointed that it's not easy.

The manner in which you have itemized these traits and behaviors leads me to believe you have far more disdain rather than any sense of tolerance for them.

I don't feel disdain and I'm not sure where you got that from what I wrote. I feel incredibly frustrated. Aspergers is new to me, so I previously didn't have a frame of reference for it. I do have a certain idea of how a grown man should be and had no clue he might be on the spectrum, so seeing him in that frame of mind helps ease the frustration and desperation to get through to him.

I was previously married to a Narcissist who devastated my life, so my tolerance went way down. Thinking of him as an Aspie helps me see he's not willful, he's not stubborn, he's not opposing me. He may just not be wired that way. I don't expect a diagnosis to change him. I expected it to give me some tools on how to talk to him.

And if this sounds completely disagreeable to you, then no harm, no foul in having backed out.

Thank you.

 

[Any Fake]

"I wonder if maybe I was too harsh and maybe, with the right help and the right diagnosis, we could have made something work." In other words, if he gets fixed, you might be able to have a relationship on your terms.

No, actually, not if he "gets fixed". I said to him this morning that maybe with better tools, better understanding, and more information on how to communicate with him so it works better, then maybe we could have made it work.

I never said anything about changing him and all of you who are assuming that's what I meant are reading something I didn't write.

 

[Any Fake]

some of your expectations are unrealistic and based on how you think he should have related to you, without much regard for his needs or desires

If you have no idea why a person is simply outright ignoring you, it's pretty understandable to wonder if the person is bored with you, uninterested, or what-have-you.

If I have no idea that a person is on the spectrum and have expectations based on a neurotypical person, then of course my expectations will be off. And yes, of course I expect a person to answer when I've spoken directly to them. I have never experienced this before where a person just tunes out.

I have never experienced someone who is all over me and then the next week, completely absent. The only frame of reference I have for that is a malicious Narcissist, so yes, I had a hard time with that and I make no apology if I didn't have the right information to understand him.

I had tremendous regard for his needs and desires. I asked him, I opened up conversations. I asked him how he feels, what he wants, what works for him. He stayed silent. He kept it to himself.

And some time later, he would blurt out angrily, "I don't want to..." or whatever it was. How am I supposed to know? I can't read his mind. If he's an Aspie and just can't express himself, then I'm not blaming him, but don't blame me for not considering him.

If a person doesn't tell you his needs and desires, it's pretty damned impossible to help him meet them.

 

[Judge]

I was previously married to a Narcissist who devastated my life, so my tolerance went way down.

I'm afraid that appears to reflect a prejudice that could inadvertently permeate the relationship with some degree of regularity. Even medical professionals have occasional difficulty differentiating narcissism from Autism Spectrum Disorder. Where that sense of disdain you don't have may be quite real after all.

If he's an Aspie and just can't express himself, then I'm not blaming him, but don't blame me for not considering him.

If a person doesn't tell you his needs and desires, it's pretty damned impossible to help him meet them.

It's not a matter of fault, but rather a matter of how you and he intend to deal with it. Whether or not you can accept the possibility that he just might not be able to express his own feelings in a way that is consistently meaningful to you and Neurotypicals in general. For instance many of us have empathy. However we don't convey it in a manner you may be accustomed to.

Could you realistically deal with that? Again, these are circumstances where it isn't a crime if you can't handle them. With no guarantees that he may ever be able "to work the problem" even if he tries. If your answer is a firm "no", by all means walk away.

However you don't have to convince me over such a thing. You must ultimately convince yourself. Lord knows I've tried...with five relationships with NT females that all failed.

 

[Any Fake]

And that's why I wrote that maybe with a proper diagnosis and tools, it could have worked out differently.

I only suspected Aspergers in the last few days. Everything I've described is previous to that - and me expecting him to be neurotypical with no clue why he was the way he was.

 

[Judge]

And that's why I wrote that maybe with a proper diagnosis and tools, it could have worked out differently.

You've been quite succinct about such suspicions and I tend to concur. Though virtually none of us can professionally provide such an assessment either. Yet it never surprises me to hear that virtually everyone who comes here and suspects of their neurology go on to validate it professionally. Similar to one coming to terms with their sexual orientation. Though in the case of autism some of us don't put it together until very late in life. And admittedly there are many out there who never put it all together at all. I got lucky...stumbled onto it quite accidentally where my curiosity got the better of me.

But I can't emphasize this enough. That IMO one must come to terms with their own autism alone- without pressure from others. And that it's not likely a pleasant journey of self-discovery at first. However self-awareness is always the beginning of the possibility of improvement. And to be able to accept it being cognizant of the "Serenity Prayer".

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference." - Reinhold Niebuhr

 

[AO1501]

@Any Fake,

What you have here is not an issue with someone being at fault, it is a typical and very common case of mis-directed expectations. If you are right that he is on the spectrum, and much of your description of his behaviours does make it seem probable, then he is who he is, and will behave and react the way he does simply because that is how he is.

Much of your description fits me pretty well, and yet I had a long and mostly happy relationship with my wife, and we didn't trip over the kind of problems you have had, mostly because she realised I was somehow different, and her expectations of me were based on being me. And in your situation, for a relationship to work at all, you simply need to modify those expectations to match his brain wiring. Since you clearly can and have observed him closely, adjusting those expectations should be quite easy.

As an example, you say he is very blunt. Typically, we are. It isn't that we try and be rude, but we are often quite logical and analytical, and we say what we mean. Exactly what we mean. For myself, sometimes I can manage to edit myself and stay silent if I realise something I am about to say will upset someone, but often not. Then, because I don't look sorry, because I don't know I should, someone gets mad at me. I know then to apologise, but usually not why.

Likewise, because we say what we mean, we listen to what is said, and derive meaning from the exact choice of words. We generally have no means to infer meaning, so when your boyfriend hears you say something, he is going to extract the words, because that's what you mean, nothing more or less.

And being expressionless is a common trait too, there's nothing he can do about that, so knowing that, you can know it's not about you.

The question therefore isn't in what way can you help him 'improve', but can you accept him as he is. If you can, if you can adjust your expectations to match his capabilities, then you have the basis for a good relationship. And it isn't that you can't ever help him improve because likely you can, but it has to be, in practical terms, from a foundation of accepting him as he is first. That's the relationship's foundation and the only basis on which you can build.

Can you do that and is he worth it? A yes to both makes it possible. A no to either means it isn't.

 

[Any Fake]

That IMO one must come to terms with their own autism alone- without pressure from others.

That I can understand. I asked him if he would be willing to seek out a diagnosis. He asked me how someone would do that and I said I guess he would have to go see a doctor to get a referral. Then he said he would think about it. Most decisions he makes he needs to think about first, so I figured if he was open to it, he'd eventually come around to wanting to understand it better. He was pretty open, in fact very open, when I showed him videos and such about Aspergers. He agreed he's like that and, in fact, one of his very close friends who he has travelled with said she thinks he's on the autism spectrum, but he doesn't know why she said that.

I hope he does come around to seeking a diagnosis because I think it might help him be able to give skills to people close to him. Things like, "If I don't answer, this is part of Aspergers. You can hold your question and ask me again later." or something like that.

 

[Any Fake]

What you have here is not an issue with someone being at fault

Fault was never the question. The question was whether or not knowing he's on the spectrum would make it more possible to adapt to having a relationship with him. And I was looking for validation that it's understandable that I misunderstand his behaviour - not knowing he might be Aspie. Dazzit. I'm not blaming anyone.

If you are right that he is on the spectrum, and much of your description of his behaviours does make it seem probable

This is some of the validation I was hoping for. Thank you.

As an example, you say he is very blunt. Typically, we are. It isn't that we try and be rude, but we are often quite logical and analytical, and we say what we mean.

Him being blunt doesn't bother me. He's not mean. He's just authentic. The only thing that got to me was not being able to discuss things that interest me. He showed zero interest, zero excitement. He just stayed silent and continued to stay silent whether or not I was talking. No "uh huh", no questions, no reaction whatsoever.

I'm talkative and I get excited about things, so I would need friends other than him to shoot the **** with and brainstorm. He's not into it and I felt deflated each time.

But blunt I can handle.

I was trying to point out all those things as problems. Just traits that contribute to me thinking he's Aspie.

The question therefore isn't in what way can you help him 'improve', but can you accept him as he is.

There is nowhere in my OP that says I wanted him to improve. I wanted better skills to communicate with an Aspie.

And being expressionless is a common trait too, there's nothing he can do about that, so knowing that, you can know it's not about you.

Exactly!!!!! This is entirely my point. Knowing that this is a trait helps me understand him so much better. Not to change him, not to blame him, but to understand that he's not cold, he's not ASPD (Psychopath) or NPD, and he's not dull. He's Aspie. I have been seeing him in an entirely new light the last few days. I watch him and think, "Oh my goodness, how was it not obvious?".

If you can, if you can adjust your expectations to match his capabilities, then you have the basis for a good relationship. And it isn't that you can't ever help him improve because likely you can, but it has to be, in practical terms, from a foundation of accepting him as he is first. That's the relationship's foundation and the only basis on which you can build.

Can you do that and is he worth it? A yes to both makes it possible. A no to either means it isn't.

Yes, this is very sober advice. I need time to think about it. And, of course, he has to want to also. I suspect at this point he's not interested.

How do people date Aspies? Like, where do you get your needs met? How do you cope with not being able to share your interests? Or not knowing how your partner feels or what he wants? How do you make plans together? How do you discuss important issues? How do you handle the person not speaking up and ignoring you for hours or days because you said something they misunderstood... and no matter how much you explain it, they insist you hurt them.

 

[paloftoon]

Hey, I think your partner was actually good that he can be blunt. It sounds like he wasn't trying to be mean about it. I'd rather a person be blunt to me, but 1-1 and in a nice way. Sound like he did it 1-1 and not in front of other people. If he did say stuff in front of other people, maybe he didn't know better or got caught up in the moment and wanted to say something to get it off of his mind.

He might be worth building a friendship with. You both might want to give it some time before you make contact again. Or, don't contact in the next week or two unless he does type of thing.

 

[Any Fake]

I wasn't complaining or offended by him being blunt. I was pointing out traits I've learned to be Aspie traits. I think his authenticity is endearing and I like it. As I wrote above, the only thing I dislike about his authenticity is how darned authentic he is about my interests. In other words, he's not into the things I talk about, so he just zones out and it sucks trying to connect with him and share my excitement while he's completely silent.

I live with him. Contact is inevitable.

 

[AO1501]

Fault was never the question. The question was whether or not knowing he's on the spectrum would make it more possible to adapt to having a relationship with him. And I was looking for validation that it's understandable that I misunderstand his behaviour - not knowing he might be Aspie. Dazzit. I'm not blaming anyone.

I should have added the point that it is very common for there to be blame and faulting in these relationships, not that you were blaming. It is the culture of blame (where it exists) that is the biggest barrier to resolving and overcoming relationship issues. But of course that's true in any relationship.

Him being blunt doesn't bother me. He's not mean. He's just authentic. The only thing that got to me was not being able to discuss things that interest me. He showed zero interest, zero excitement. He just stayed silent and continued to stay silent whether or not I was talking. No "uh huh", no questions, no reaction whatsoever.

I'm talkative and I get excited about things, so I would need friends other than him to shoot the **** with and brainstorm. He's not into it and I felt deflated each time.

But blunt I can handle.

I was trying to point out all those things as problems. Just traits that contribute to me thinking he's Aspie.

Bluntness is just an example, and this interest issue is another. Aspies typically have distinct interests, and place great energy and time into those, to the exclusion of almost everything else, including in this case, all of yours. Typically, you would have to engage with him inside one of his interests, then look for ways to expand that to include yours. I used to fall for that every time!

There is nowhere in my OP that says I wanted him to improve. I wanted better skills to communicate with an Aspie.

I mean 'improve' in the sense of helping him better understand you, and how to communicate with you more effectively. Not 'improve' in the sense of changing him. We are very fixed, very black and white, but we can learn when there is a motive.

Exactly!!!!! This is entirely my point. Knowing that this is a trait helps me understand him so much better. Not to change him, not to blame him, but to understand that he's not cold, he's not ASPD (Psychopath) or NPD, and he's not dull. He's Aspie. I have been seeing him in an entirely new light the last few days. I watch him and think, "Oh my goodness, how was it not obvious?".

You have the same problem many of us have. Many of us spend much of our lives not discovering we're on the spectrum, and living life like that is very hard, constantly tripping over misunderstandings, sometimes being treated as defective, finding it hard to get or keep a job because we don't fit in, trying hard to be like everyone else and hiding who we really are.

Yes, this is very sober advice. I need time to think about it. And, of course, he has to want to also. I suspect at this point he's not interested.

Quite possibly not, but I can't tell you how rare it is to find someone who wants to know and is prepared to learn. That may factor into his thinking, and should factor into yours.

How do people date Aspies? Like, where do you get your needs met? How do you cope with not being able to share your interests? Or not knowing how your partner feels or what he wants? How do you make plans together? How do you discuss important issues? How do you handle the person not speaking up and ignoring you for hours or days because you said something they misunderstood... and no matter how much you explain it, they insist you hurt them.

I have to say that since I'm on the other side of the equation I can't really answer this directly, but the same questions figure in the Aspie's side of it too. In our case, we are mostly very rational, logical, and analytical thinkers, so often you make very little sense to us because what you think of as deep and meaningful communication flies right by us.

However, my wife learnt how to insinuate herself into my interests and join in, then was able to translate her interests and needs, and even the essential discussions and plans that way. She mastered reading me very quickly, so could tell when I was 'available' and when I was not, and used that knowledge to reach me when she knew I would be responsive. She also found that it didn't work to ask me open questions such as 'are you ok?', because that doesn't mean anything. 'Are you tired', 'do you have a headache', 'are you hungry' - direct and specific questions, I always responded to. I don't know if your Aspie would, but I suspect most would unless deeply into something at the same time.

These kind of relationships are quite hard, but you said something that is actually vital - your Aspie is 'authentic'. That is the reason relationships with us are worth it, because most of us do authentic as if our lives depend on it, and authentic is something you can trust.

And the hurt caused by misunderstanding - that is not entirely an Aspie thing, so that might be more of his nature. But understanding how to better communicate will go a long way to resolving issues of that sort.

Edited to add:
I should also add that most Aspies are very practical, so you would expect to see practical signs of emotional attachment. My wife asked me how she could know I loved her, and I told her that I wouldn't cook her breakfast in bed, or help setting up her classroom if I didn't. She said she needed to be told, so I told her, now that I knew my practical acts of support weren't enough. Previously I thought they were obvious and enough. After all, I knew how much she cared because she made me feel very safe, and was kind.

This is why there are communication issues until they get figured out!

 

[Kevin1968]

Perhaps you two just aren't compatible? ignore for a moment whether he is on the spectrum or not, he is who he is, you are who you are.

It's not really a good idea to be trying to change someone to suit your needs.

NT's seem to complain a lot about how Aspies don't communicate, if NT's are so great at communication why isn't their problem when they fail to communicate with an Aspie? it's a bit like English speakers complaining that they don't understand a foreigner's accent.

Can you can learn to accept that he won't always be aware of your need to be in constant touch, accept that he can't pretend to be interested in things that don't interest him, accept that he has probably never been able to communicate how he feels and as a consequence has been in the habit of retreating into himself.

He will probably be able to learn to give you some of the things you need, such as sending texts even if he doesn't feel the need etc.

The benefit is you will typically have a loyal companion, who will always be honest with you.

Remember though no two people are the same, not even Aspies so a lot of the above is just generalisations.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

His reason ended up being a good one: his friend was dying of cancer. It's the way he communicated it and his complete disregard for my family and our plans

Friends with cancer are so annoying.

I never said anything about changing him and all of you who are assuming that's what I meant are reading something I didn't write.

We are all hopeless.

I know you didn't say that.

I found out later that the reason he didn't communicate with me while he was away is because he felt incredibly hurt by something I did and I had no idea what I had done. Apparently, he had asked me to look at a website he built and test it out.

"Apparently"

He is horrible at communicating and ignores me when he's upset

People need to process when they're upset.
Not be harassed.

Where did you say you harassed him?
Right?

Now, what are your issues?

What are you doing that's causing him stress?

Two to tango.

Is this blunt?

I'm kind of upset for him.

 

[wight]

@Any Fake,
Even if I read your posts with the best intentions as a motivation, I still come away thinking that this doesn't sound like a relationship that will work long term.

You wrote in the OP, "I just can't connect with him." As a thought experiment, let us agree his is on the spectrum. This means his behaviors (especially when upset) are extremely unlikely to change. If that is that case, can you see yourself staying in a relationship where you are often left feeling frustrated, lonely, and unable to connect?

 

[55853]

I can't really contribute in terms of the relationship (your ex is nothing like me), but I think it's really great that you're trying to understand the autism spectrum. Some people here unfortunately get frustrated by people not on the autism spectrum due to past relationships (with family, with peers, romantically, etc.), and I worry this pushes well-meaning people away. To me, your intentions look like they're in the right place, and I wish you the best of luck. I always appreciate it when people show understanding of something they don't personally experience.