Asperger's related grieving

[CloudRomy]

I guess it comes down to acceptance but I seem to be stuck in an Asperger's related process of grief, specifically grief of not knowing about my Asperger's earlier in life. I keep having dreams where situations and people in my past are being flashed through my mind. It is as though my mind at night is sifting through my past and when I'm awake I realise how I would have handled things differently, could have used the knowledge to help or been easier on myself. It is pulling me down a lot. Have others experienced this? I want to be able to put this to rest and accept that I didn't know and make a new life with my new understanding.

 

[wyverary]

Even years after learning of my AS diagnosis, I still occasionally go through periods of time where I am doing the exact same as you describe. I would liken it to feelings of intense guilt. "What the f*** was I thinking when I said that?" "Why did try and force yourself into that situation?" "Why did you hurt those people like that?"

Have you ever practiced mindfulness meditation? Letting yourself be in the present moment, letting the thoughts come but holding a sense that they are meaningless? That is just one of my own coping mechanisms. Journaling has helped me, too. And knowing, now, why I was the way I was, sort of helps me let go of the guilt and shame, because I know in a sense it was something I couldn't control.

Just some musing...

 

[The Penguin]

Right now I'm in a state not knowing if I'm on the spectrum as noted in my post Neurologist Appointment | AspiesCentral.com . I did knew though I had a learning disability since my childhood. Here is all the stuff I faced in my life, foster care, jobless, unemployment and welfare. Losing my full time job a few years ago, I came to the reality I need to figure out how to survive in this tough world. I need to accept my disability, know my limitations, and figure out what I can do in my life. I'm still in the process figuring this out.

 

[Cerulean]

Oh god yes. For months after I found out I reexamined every situation I could remember from childhood, and had about a hundred mental question marks removed from my memory. I feel bad about a lot of it but all I can do is remind myself that I didn't know what I do now.

 

[Warmheart]

CloudRomy, you are doing a super job of expressing your feelings here. Many of us went through such a life review, along with it's associated grieving process. Allowing yourself to grieve and face a bit of horror now is normal. Your natural resilience will draw you through, out, and forward. Hang in there. We understand how challenging this can feel. The grief won't last forever. You will emerge on the other side at a place of peace, full of wonderment at the special strengths, the sparkling difference, that is ASD.

 

[gregmcph]

That constant rewalking through situations. I should have done or said this can keep me awake at night. It can tie me in knots.

Gotta move forwards.

 

[On the Inside]

That constant rewalking through situations. I should have done or said this can keep me awake at night. It can tie me in knots.

Gotta move forwards.

I have been constantly re-walking situations all my life. Most every time I've been left with a big "I don't know why" when I rethink things. Since I've been diagnosed, I can understand better the "why".

I feel that the whole journey of Aspie discovery for me started with mindfulness meditation, and after a crazy and at times harrowing 15 years, mindfulness will help me sort it all out. But yes, there are those moments of grief that come over me, and they pass, just as the moments of grief of lost loved ones comes over me from time to time. Observe and let it pass, acceptance is eventual.

 

[gregmcph]

Ever found yourself saying "I'm sorry..." to no one? Apologising in your head for mistakes made days, years, ago. Reenacting the moment and the "sorry" leaking out.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

I live in the city where I was identified as aspie, and every familiar building and street makes me wince, now, as I remember. Sometimes I just weep. It's driving me to understanding just how I get really depressed, and to ways of making this better. Agree with previous posters about mindfulness, although I only seem to be able to use two techniques and I know the toolkit's deeper than that.

 

[Naturalist]

I have only just gotten to the point where I can look back at some things and feel truly happy for the understanding I have now, rather than bitterness or sorrow that I didn't have the same awareness in the past.

The biggest pain for me right now is not emotional grief but the student loans: $80,000 that I owe because I struggled so much for 14 years to finish my degree, when I could have had accommodations that would have made classes so much easier and less stressful. I cry about that a lot, because that is almost 8x my annual income...

Another thing that makes me sad is that, although I have the comfort of understanding myself, I can't pass that comfort on to others, because although I would love to be open about my Asperger's, I am really worried it would negatively impact many of my relationships. I am not generally a good judge of such things and so I am inclined to keep quiet.

 

[On the Inside]

I live in the area I grew up in, and my small routine keeps me right in the middle of where all the events occurred over the years that cause me grief, embarrassment, guilt. There are some places that I go past and I feel the pain as if it was happening now. I'm hoping that properly directed therapy and my own work will lead to either acceptance and letting go of these feelings of the past, and/or I'll be able to make some life changes that take me in other directions.

I hope we all are able to make peace with that grief of the past.


I too, wish that I could disclose my diagnosis to some people and get their support and understanding, but I don't trust that it would have the desired effect.

 

[ExplosiveTMT]

I've been there before.
In my case, I was diagnosed at quite a young age, but my parents and support workers never took time to explain it to me.
Probably they were worried about what I may think if I found out.
So when I came across a book that explained things in such clear detail, in my second year of high school, I thought "why did nobody explain me this before?!!!".
So I was quite frustrated about that, but then I thought about the saying, "better late than never".
And come to think of how far I've come, I am so glad that I was lucky enough to have stumbled across that book.

 

[The Penguin]

I've been there before.
In my case, I was diagnosed at quite a young age, but my parents and support workers never took time to explain it to me.
Probably they were worried about what I may think if I found out.
So when I came across a book that explained things in such clear detail, in my second year of high school, I thought "why did nobody explain me this before?!!!".
So I was quite frustrated about that, but then I thought about the saying, "better late than never".
And come to think of how far I've come, I am so glad that I was lucky enough to have stumbled across that book.

I felt similar when I read my LD assessment when I was in college from my childhood. I never knew this document existed.

 

[Progster]

Yes, this is happening to me too. I also continuously worry that I don't really have Aspergers and that it's all in my imagination even though I've been officially diagnosed, I get really paranoid at times.

 

[SkyBlue]

I've done this every year and every time I gain some sort of wisdom, in fact I do it so often I learned it's a waste of time to beat myself up over it. I just have to learn from experiences and try not to repeat mistakes. Looking back I've been in so many situations where if I said or did something different, I know for a fact the result would have been much better in my favor, but if I obsess over it, it will kill me inside. So I don't.

 

[Suzanne]

Goodness me! EXACTLY what I am doing!!!!! I am going through all my life so far and thinking: if I had known, things would have been different; I would appreciate that I am not some sort of alien species, but different and actually, that is not so bad.

The hardest thing is to explain things to an nt, for honestly, ones who are TRULY nt thinking, cannot get it around their head and how can an aspie, explain, when an aspie has a hard time explaining anyway?

My husband says that now I know what is wrong with me, I should be able to improve and brings up an old friend who tried when he was not diagnosed, but as soon as he was diagnosed with a severe mental problem ie paranoid schizophrenia, that he stopped trying and I am trying to explain that my brain is wired differently and he would not expect a severely autistic person to change? I look normal, that is the problem But it is quite evident that I do not act normal, for he is always complaining that I do not take a joke or has to quickly say: that is a rhetorical question and so forth.

I think I will send him a link about female aspergers and go from there. Because annoyingly, despite giving me an impression of one thing, I find he has done a bit of research and came back with nothing, because he was looking at children with aspergers!

 

[TragicKingdom]

I guess it comes down to acceptance but I seem to be stuck in an Asperger's related process of grief, specifically grief of not knowing about my Asperger's earlier in life. I keep having dreams where situations and people in my past are being flashed through my mind. It is as though my mind at night is sifting through my past and when I'm awake I realise how I would have handled things differently, could have used the knowledge to help or been easier on myself. It is pulling me down a lot. Have others experienced this? I want to be able to put this to rest and accept that I didn't know and make a new life with my new understanding.

Yes, I understand this. I have in some ways been experiencing the same thing recently. For myself, I would not call it grief-- I am not sure what to call it exactly, but I am going back during the day over many/all of my past relationships (Be it with family or romantic relationships) and dwelling on how I may have "messed up" unknowingly with these people possibly due my Aspergers.

I was only diagnosed with Aspergers 5 years ago and I will be 44 next month, so for the bulk of my life I had no idea about the fact that I indeed had it so I could not be aware (Like I am now) and be able to possibly modify my behavior and reactions to certain things.

 

[TragicKingdom]

Goodness me! EXACTLY what I am doing!!!!! I am going through all my life so far and thinking: if I had known, things would have been different; I would appreciate that I am not some sort of alien species, but different and actually, that is not so bad.

The hardest thing is to explain things to an nt, for honestly, ones who are TRULY nt thinking, cannot get it around their head and how can an aspie, explain, when an aspie has a hard time explaining anyway?

My husband says that now I know what is wrong with me, I should be able to improve and brings up an old friend who tried when he was not diagnosed, but as soon as he was diagnosed with a severe mental problem ie paranoid schizophrenia, that he stopped trying and I am trying to explain that my brain is wired differently and he would not expect a severely autistic person to change? I look normal, that is the problem But it is quite evident that I do not act normal, for he is always complaining that I do not take a joke or has to quickly say: that is a rhetorical question and so forth.

I think I will send him a link about female aspergers and go from there. Because annoyingly, despite giving me an impression of one thing, I find he has done a bit of research and came back with nothing, because he was looking at children with aspergers!

About not taking a joke, Suzanne: I am the same way. I understand humor most of the time if it is presented in the format of say, a comedy television show or a movie, but when I deal directly with people and they try to joke with me (or especially when they use sarcasm), I do not get it or even realize they are trying to be funny. I do not read subtle facial movements or hear subtle voice changes. Many times in these situations I end up getting offended and become defensive over what a person says as I believe it is targeted against me when, really, they claim, "it is just a joke."

 

[CloudRomy]

Thank you everyone for all your replies, it is immensely helpful to know I am not alone

 

[CloudRomy]

Have you ever practiced mindfulness meditation? Letting yourself be in the present moment, letting the thoughts come but holding a sense that they are meaningless? That is just one of my own coping mechanisms. Journaling has helped me, too. And knowing, now, why I was the way I was, sort of helps me let go of the guilt and shame, because I know in a sense it was something I couldn't control.

Just some musing...

Thank you wyverary for your suggestions. I try to watch my thoughts but I find my mind wanders and I forget to watch them, next thing I know I am emotionally bound up in them and it is too late! Because I have a strong faith in God I try to approach my thoughts prayerfully and find His presence in daily life. This is helpful for me. I agree about journalling. For a long time I felt unable to write anything down, like I didn't want to commit my thoughts to paper. However, when I found faith I found an ability to write as though talking to God. This has helped me get things out on paper and I do find it helpful to look back with a distance of time and learn from my experiences. I think I will find my journal great support going forward. Drawing is a help too. Sometimes when caught in a negative thought spiral it is a question of making myself take positive action but that is easier said than done, I think poor executive function might have something to do with that! Sometimes I feel like I am going round in circles...