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Asperger husband.. badly needing some help!!

S

SuperKei

Well-Known Member
Im trying to figure things out. Thank you for your help and patience in advance. I dont have AS. But my partner has it. I dont mind telling my problem at all but it can be very long.. Though it might help me unload my feelings and help me get enough advices and insights. Now i just want to ask to those who has AS or people who are related with Aspies..

- Do most of them, if not all, 'shut down' when they are in stressed situations or when their senses overload?
- If yes, do they find deciding rights and wrongs hard in those times?
- Do they harm people?
- If yes, cant they stop it? Even if they are aware of it and being helped about it?
- Is it natural to them to forget things even if they know how important that is?
- Asperger control them or are they also capable to control their Aspergers?
- Do meds and therapy really helps?

My Aspie, we've been together for five years. Since we started living with each other he have this habit of not returning home or literally running away when theres a stressful situation. He lies even theres no need to lie, even if i reassured him already i wont get mad (He claims he dont want to disappoint me or afraid of telling the truth), he physically hurts me (not just slapping or pinching but CHOKING!), he always quits in major plans in our life, find it hard to be consistent in things like work, having trouble understanding things.. He is also a man of few words. When you say 100 words, he will only reply 5 words. He also keeps repeating saying same answers. He is not showy of his feelings at all unless i asked for a surprise or a good morning hug.. i understand this part of AS, so i make sure i am vocal with things.. but he always forgets it. He's been making same mistakes in 4 years, monthly, weekly. He is always apologetic and tells us he still wants us after doing bad things. He knows what to do, what not to do, his faults, whats the solution.. yet when the situation comes he shuts down. He seems to have a cycle.. when to be super okay, when to be upset, when to explode.

Ive become depressed and suicidal, my life is already wasted. No friends or career or identity. Now i cant help thinking of harmful things to my kids. Ive been always busy helping him out, being loyal and supportive, believing and assisting him. I always need to beg for something.. even for the basic things like dont run away, dont hit me, smile, remember occasions, etc. I feel so unworthy, why do i deserve all these awful things. I have all these traumas that haunts me randomly even when i sleep.

In regular days, he is very responsible. He is good in home chores and taking care of the kids. Just dont expect him in complicated things that needs deciding or thinking over. He very much likes his work (luckily, its also his special interest) yet having hard time maintaining it. Im the only one who he grew close to and his kids. He dreams and plans for our family and says he loves us.. but he cant back it up. Give him chance to prove it, he will waste it, leave you or hit you. He already improved in some things over the years which i really appreciate (cooking, hugs, kisses, chores, remembering few things i like). He is loving. He always says im the only one in his life. Yet he doesnt do things to make me stay, he always drives me away. Yet i really see that he tries.

I cant remember any good things in all those years. All bad memories and traumas. I always give him chances. Now he is gone again. I gave birth to our 3rd son via CS last 24th July (3 sons in 4 yrs!) After 3 days he hit me again during a fight regardless if i havent recovered yet from the operation. Last 2 days, he tied me up and choked me then left. Most occasions were awful. Even if he is at fault, he gets mad. If i get mad, i'll be damned. He can bear seeing me suffering emotionally and psychologically.. even if im wimping in pain he wont move and just ignore you when he is in 'monster mode'. Before the birth we agreed we will start over and he will never run again or hurt me. We can shout all we want, etc just no to those things.

We agreed to put our third to adoption. He knows how this will affect my life.. yet he still makes things that will make more psychologically disturbed.

Some people fight for their love, afraid of losing their family, has the drive to do something like a hobby or what.. He is just steady. He can live in any circumstances so maybe thats why he doesnt work hard to make our family intact. He blames it all in his disabilities and says he is hopeless and he cant fight things like physically hurting me or running away. Im so willing to support him. But im so tired of giving and not getting something even just 50% or maybe 30%.. i feel abandoned, used, scammed and cheated. I dont know what to do now. I still want to understand him. Maybe i have faults or something. We are not in therapy and meds. Ive developed depression, anxiety, separation anxiety over the years weve together and my OCD manifested when my life became stagnant. Someone help?
 
Have you seen a councilor ?? Have you read books on Aspergers Syndrome??
 
- Do most of them, if not all, 'shut down' when they are in stressed situations or when their senses overload? Yes.
- If yes, do they find deciding rights and wrongs hard in those times? No. At least I don't.
- Do they harm people? No.
- If yes, cant they stop it? Even if they are aware of it and being helped about it? See above answer
- Is it natural to them to forget things even if they know how important that is? Yes.
- Asperger control them or are they also capable to control their Aspergers? The Aspergers is part of them. "Control" is the wrong way to speak about it. However, certain negative symptoms can improve.
- Do meds and therapy really helps? Depends.

Tied you up and choked you? If you are in physical danger you should stay away from him. (Aspergers has nothing to do with that.) :(
 
GHA is right. Aspergers usually don't make you violent toward other people...I say usually because when we get in meltdown mode we can be dangerous but usually to ourselves. But if he is physically and emotionally hurting you like choking you that is dangerous stuff. I recommend to get out of the situation, get counseling for both of you, and see if something can happen at that point. Right now what I see as someone who is trained in crisis intervention is someone in need of help. But you are the only one who can determine if you need help. There are places you can go, or do you have family you could stay will while you sort this out. A lot of what you are saying is more indictive of the abuse cycle than of Aspergers. I know that as Aspies we often shut down or meltdown if sensory overload or processing overload happens. I wish you luck.
 
You need to leave now with your kids if possible and get some marriage counseling. When a relationship turns violent do not stay in hopes that your husband will sporadically have a change of heart. I grew up with a father who could also be terrifying to be around and my mom staying with him didn't help the situation one bit. Your husband's physical abuse is not only harmful to you, but your children, who are continually exposed to this type of mental/physical trauma are far more prone to act out much in the same way once they enter relationships of their own. Your husband was very likely exposed to the same violence he now causes you when he was a child if I were to guess. Having AS poses very unique relational challenges especially when the other partner is a neurotypical such as yourself. Many of these challenges can be worked out and a compromise can be found IF your husband is willing to understand the harm he is causing his family. Please know that you DESERVE BETTER from your husband! He needs to grow up and learn to treat you right. Aspergers or not, physical & mental abuse is never acceptable and should never be tolerated.
 
I don't want to suggest anything, as I am not an expert. My own view is that Aspies are quite harmless. However, other personality disorders can effect anyone AS or NT both. I request you to contact a councilor or a psychiatrist immediately. Please do not waste a moment. I think this is a SOS situation....
 
My dear, your husband IS NOT ASPIE! What is described behavior of people with psychological illnesses and syndromes not. Aspergers in 95% of cases do not harm anyone, much less familiar.
 
Guys, it's not for us to say whether the husband is on the spectrum. He definitely has some other problems, but we're not doctors, and it's not for us to make that call.

You've not said whether your husband has been officially diagnosed, Kei, but Asperger's is not a one-size-fits all kind of deal. I will say, however, that it rarely presents with violence (I'm not a doctor, but it's more likely that any violent tendencies an Aspie may have come from depression or anger issues).

What I can tell you for sure: Asperger's or no, abuse is NOT okay. All these things he's telling you about being unable to control himself---well, I think it's all ********. This is classic abusive behavior: hitting you, etc. and then saying, "Oh, no, please don't leave me! I won't do it again!" is a way of getting you used to it, to make you think it's normal. He sounds more manipulative than out of control to me.

You need to find a safe place to go with your kids as soon as possible. If he does anything to hurt you or the children again before you manage to leave, call the police immediately.

[Crap. I just realized this thread is quite old. I didn't revive the thread, but my points still stand.]
 
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Well, we haven't seen the OP back since . . . I hope she and her children are okay. :unsure:
 
Yeah, definitely a case of abuse. The really sad thing is that people who are being abused often blame themselves, and the abuser manages to isolate them so they'll feel they have nowhere to go. I hope this poor woman got out of that relationship.
 
Aspergers or not, kick him out on his ass. I'm an aspie and I am diagusted by the idea of any man beating his wife/girlfriend. I have my monster mode but I recognize it and confine myself to my bedroom and tell my wife what's going on and to leave me be, even though I would never strike her I still try to stay away and let the meltdown pass. Your husband is lucky that I do not know him, my 'almost step-dad' decided to hit his adopted son (not me, from a different marriage) I was 16 at the time. He states "I wanna just get this ironed out, I'm sorry" I casually walk inside and return with an actual iron ready to iron him out, I was stopped unfortunately. So abuse is unrelated to aspergers, maybe he has ptsd? Being abused as a child could easily result in an abusive man.
 
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