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ASD/NT relationships - NTs need for validation

hatfullofrain said:
. I explained why it's not pointless, but you won't argue why it is or isn't you just keep parroting that in one narrow scenario, it's pointless.
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You missed the point is why. Represented again.

I know its not pointless. Generally!

The point -from my example- that the differing way of communicating-it can appear pointless, from the AS side.
My comment was to represent of that different way of thinking.
Logical thinking versus social thinking.

You started talking about different scenarios.
There didnt seem any point going further as it didnt seem you understood -even though you said you did.

So pointless.:)
 
Honestly this thread has made me think about how I might sometimes think something nice about someone, even just a friend, but I don't always say it. I myself am quite a quite not very verbose person.

It might help me in making friends

Still learning new things!
 
I can understand that being cornered into giving a compliment is "fake", but in hatfullofrain's "do you like my dress?" example - a negative response, or no response at all is very confusing... it gives the opposite impression, ie. that you don't like the dress but don't want to hurt someones feelings.
 
Brit said:
it gives the opposite impression, ie. that you don't like the dress but don't want to hurt someones feelings
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Based on an idea of social reaction, ie an expectation.

Ie not literal communication. It is social communication.

It is then confusing when the person is offended, at an intention you didnt have.

For some, there is no reason whatsoever to have an opinion about a dress.
Some dont divide their world into like/dislike about everything.

There are a lot of hidden social expectations in all this.
 
Thanks for that Fridgemagnetman, its really interesting to understand it in that way.
 
It's not about the dress! She wants to know if you still think she looks pretty after all these years. She wants to know that you still fancy her.

If you compliment her and tell her she's pretty at other times, it won't be such a big thing for her to feel like she needs to get dressed up to get some attention.
 
hatfullofrain said:
It's not about the dress! She wants to know if you still think she looks pretty after all these years. She wants to know that you still fancy her.

If you compliment her and tell her she's pretty at other times, it won't be such a big thing for her to feel like she needs to get dressed up to get some attention.
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We know it's not about the dress.
 
hatfullofrain said:
Then why can't you just be nice to her and tell her she looks pretty? Why dig your heels in?
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I don't wear heels.

It's an example to represent different forms of communication.
Literal versus social.
It's more natural for ASD to interpret things literally.
You're talking about a social interpretation.
(Expectations comes under this)
 
Everyone has heels lol.

But I'm pointing out that there's no need for guys to be so obtuse and flatly refuse to give compliments like they're being asked to give a kidney.

It a just selfish.

There's a way to meet half way with these things.
 
You can have my kidney.

After I'm dead.

Personally I can give compliments.

The 'example' me sees things in black and white and very literally.
He doesn't need to give compliments as he's just an example.

I agree with your point.
I also thing thay too many people base their self esteem around receiving such.
 
Ah, it's funny how we both played devil's advocate on this thread. I think it illustrates the communication issues couples can have.

I'm not overly fussed about compliments. I own a mirror. If I look ok, I look ok. If I really need validation, I'll ask my sister.

I don't think I could be with someone who craves validation. It would drive me nuts, but I do give compliments when I can.

Last guy I liked didn't directly ever compliment me, but I could see warmth in his eyes. We broke up, but it's nice too see the warmth still there when we meet... he broke up with me, I'm not stringing him along, just to clarify. I even played him a compliment last time I saw him because he did something that I genuinely thought deserved praise.

I don't think the OP sounds overly needy though.
 
hatfullofrain said:
thread. I think it illustrates the communication issues couples can have.
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Definitely :)
Last year my wife was telling me about things I said when we met.

Were very important to me at the time.

She didnt get it at all :)

We just laughed about it. :)

There are so many different ways to be misunderstood, so yeh :)
 
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