ASD and ADHD couple, can it work

[Steelbookcollector217]

i assume you are both in your 20s, and i imagine its better than my last relationship

 

[bigmess]

i assume you are both in your 20s, and i imagine its better than my last relationship

Actually mid 30s, due to life circumstances we just seem stuck in the life we had in our 20s unable to progress

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

Actually mid 30s, due to life circumstances we just seem stuck in the life we had in our 20s unable to progress

i assume you met each other while in your 20s

 

[bigmess]

i assume you met each other while in your 20s

Yes we were 26 and 27 when we met

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

Yes we were 26 and 27 when we met

i assume the relationship was formed how they are normally, as in, the guy, man, asking the woman out, etc.

 

[paloftoon]

Both of you probably need a lot of patience and need to be willing to talk things out and compromise. It isn't impossible, but no one ever said it would be easy either.

 

[Neri]

It seems like you are doing the best you can to make things work. You are taking responsibility for yourself, as you can; which is imperative. I am a bit of a hopeless romantic; "With love, all things are possible", but that includes loving yourself, in fact prioritizing loving and caring for yourself. Easier said than done for most of us. A lifetime's "work in progress".
It doesn't sound like either of you are ready to call it quits, but, I also hear that you aren't getting your social-emotional needs met. How do you think you could go about resourcing those elsewhere?
Myself? I am very "spiritual" for want of a better term. And creative. I think giving ourselves more of what we want, aka approval, acceptance, considerations, compassion, kindness, encouragement, goes a long way to "fill our cup" to have more emotional energy to inject into our relationships.

Love comes from the inside, not the other way around, and yet, if we aren't allowing ourselves space to recieve, that's on us, as well.

I don't think you should try and "damage control" his emotional states, as much as you are. His emotional reactions are his emotional reactions. He's a grown up who can learn to take responsibility for his own moods and responses, while at the same time, communication is the lifeblood, the fuel that feeds the fire of relationships, just as space is the oxygen. You are both quite young and, most likely, have plenty of time to mature and develop clearer, more honest and personally responsible communication. If you have a future, my bet is, that that is what is going to be required going forward.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

yeah, i've decided i'm not gonna completely swear off on being with another woman on the autism spectrum, its just a matter of having a very early discussion to see if me and her are sexually compatible

 

[All-Rounder]

People spend most of their life not actually having sex, and even kid growth lasts around 18-20 years, it's not a majority of living. If you want to know if your lifestyles are compatible you should see how you can suffer one another and spend time together, some people like to be unchanged, and some like to be spontaneous but there's gotta be a balance. And to make it even more complicated to some it matters less that someone is spontaneous and they would do more things with someone but not alone.

But intimacy on the road lol is the glue that brings everything together, if you don't actually feel alone when someone is there. If they are actually emotionally available or whatever you need in life, not a hugging person for example.

People sometimes suggested that we'd date managers, the matter is they are like top of the chain affectionate and in touch with emotions, and most autistics are the opposite, it wouldn't work at all with the needs of the two in practice. Though you would know they're not narcissists that wouldn't guarantee success either. And then I realized the flaw of that proposal.

 

[SweetHoney]

I

Hello

Hope its OK for me to post here. I'm in a 8 year relationship with someone with ASD (undiagnosed, we worked it out about 18 months ago). I have ADHD, DCD and Dyslexia (we have a complete set). I am hoping to get some advice from others in a similar situation to me.

I want to start by saying I love this person very deeply. If I didn't this would all be much easier and less painful. We desperately want to be together but it seems like it's impossible to make each other happy. But neither of us can imagine being happy without the other either.

Whilst I am ND to I have a relatively NT communication, on top i have rejection sensitivity dysphoria and depression.

My partner needs lots of space and alone time, aprox 90% of his free time. He says he enjoys time with me, but cant express it well. Like if I ask for some time, just to watch tv together, his reply will be 'no i need time' or 'ok but just for a bit'. Whilst I understand it still hurts to hear.

He finds it impossible to say affectionate things unless I prompt him. When I prompt him, he isn't able to say much more than 'I love you' 'you are a good person' 'you are wonderful' in a very flat tone that to my mind doesn't sound authentic. Physically he will only initiate an arm round the shoulder typ thing. But when I do he is either to tired or very much willing. It's also like when he is in that mode he can be much more affectionate. It's like it can come naturally to him if he doesn't worry about it.

I work so very hard to communicate in 'his language' trying not to make him feel there are any demands on him, trying to support with making him feel critiqued. I feel I put so much effort into not hurting his emotions with my communication. I guess I just wish in this one thing he could try to speak my language. Even if it feels weird to him and he can't understand why I need that, he could accept that I do and try. Even just learn some phrases, set an alarm to prompt him, would be enough.

I worry he is just not ever going to be happy in a relationship, someone in the space with him, needing things of him. That he would be happier alone even if he says otherwise.

Sorry I am rambling. I chose to stay even if it far from perfect, losing him would be much worse. But it's not a happy place to be, can we get to a happier place? What can I do?

Thanks if you read this far

would read up on commitment phobia and see if his behaviour lines up. You deserve a lot better. Decide what your absolute needs are in a relationship, then turn them over to your god/universe to bring a man into your life who does provide them.