ASD and ADHD couple, can it work

[bigmess]

Hello

Hope its OK for me to post here. I'm in a 8 year relationship with someone with ASD (undiagnosed, we worked it out about 18 months ago). I have ADHD, DCD and Dyslexia (we have a complete set). I am hoping to get some advice from others in a similar situation to me.

I want to start by saying I love this person very deeply. If I didn't this would all be much easier and less painful. We desperately want to be together but it seems like it's impossible to make each other happy. But neither of us can imagine being happy without the other either.

Whilst I am ND to I have a relatively NT communication, on top i have rejection sensitivity dysphoria and depression.

My partner needs lots of space and alone time, aprox 90% of his free time. He says he enjoys time with me, but cant express it well. Like if I ask for some time, just to watch tv together, his reply will be 'no i need time' or 'ok but just for a bit'. Whilst I understand it still hurts to hear.

He finds it impossible to say affectionate things unless I prompt him. When I prompt him, he isn't able to say much more than 'I love you' 'you are a good person' 'you are wonderful' in a very flat tone that to my mind doesn't sound authentic. Physically he will only initiate an arm round the shoulder typ thing. But when I do he is either to tired or very much willing. It's also like when he is in that mode he can be much more affectionate. It's like it can come naturally to him if he doesn't worry about it.

I work so very hard to communicate in 'his language' trying not to make him feel there are any demands on him, trying to support with making him feel critiqued. I feel I put so much effort into not hurting his emotions with my communication. I guess I just wish in this one thing he could try to speak my language. Even if it feels weird to him and he can't understand why I need that, he could accept that I do and try. Even just learn some phrases, set an alarm to prompt him, would be enough.

I worry he is just not ever going to be happy in a relationship, someone in the space with him, needing things of him. That he would be happier alone even if he says otherwise.

Sorry I am rambling. I chose to stay even if it far from perfect, losing him would be much worse. But it's not a happy place to be, can we get to a happier place? What can I do?

Thanks if you read this far

 

[Alexej]

HI and welcome @bigmess

I am reacting a bit to your onscreen name - welcome as a mess. I am a mess too, as are many of in here in these forums.

Welcome - you are among a messy people, and you are welcomed here.

None of us find that communication is easy - ever.

 

[TBRS1]

I will tell you a thing - if an autistic person wants you around AT ALL, it means they like you.

Try to watch for and learn you partner's "love language."

Your partner shows love, but since they're autistic, it probably won't look like a TV love story romance. Might look a lot more like quietly sharing a bowl of popcorn and watching Netflix, while laughing at how stupid the movie is.

 

[Rodafina]

I guess I just wish in this one thing he could try to speak my language. Even if it feels weird to him and he can't understand why I need that, he could accept that I do and try. Even just learn some phrases, set an alarm to prompt him, would be enough.

Have you clearly expressed this to your partner?

We desperately want to be together but it seems like it's impossible to make each other happy. But neither of us can imagine being happy without the other either.

I think it can be easy to forget how to imagine happiness when it has been absent for so long. "Impossible to make each other happy," is a big problem. If this is the ultimate conclusion, you may both be invested in the idea of the relationship and each other but are not a good match in reality. That can be a heartbreaking realization.

 

[Aspychata]

The romantic in me wants it to work out, the practical side of me says, lots of speed bumps and construction sites ahead where you really need to communicate and promise to work things out, without that, you will have lost before you started. Basically, you both need to be 100% committed from the start.

 

[jsilver256]

The romantic in me wants it to work out, the practical side of me says, lots of speed bumps and construction sites ahead where you really need to communicate and promise to work things out, without that, you will have lost before you started. Basically, you both need to be 100% committed from the start.

I'll echo this. It is completely fair to ask him to be 100% committed as well. I won't lie. RSD and ASD sounds like a tough relationship combo.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Hello

Hope its OK for me to post here. I'm in a 8 year relationship with someone with ASD (undiagnosed, we worked it out about 18 months ago). I have ADHD, DCD and Dyslexia (we have a complete set). I am hoping to get some advice from others in a similar situation to me.

I want to start by saying I love this person very deeply. If I didn't this would all be much easier and less painful. We desperately want to be together but it seems like it's impossible to make each other happy. But neither of us can imagine being happy without the other either.

Whilst I am ND to I have a relatively NT communication, on top i have rejection sensitivity dysphoria and depression.

My partner needs lots of space and alone time, aprox 90% of his free time. He says he enjoys time with me, but cant express it well. Like if I ask for some time, just to watch tv together, his reply will be 'no i need time' or 'ok but just for a bit'. Whilst I understand it still hurts to hear.

He finds it impossible to say affectionate things unless I prompt him. When I prompt him, he isn't able to say much more than 'I love you' 'you are a good person' 'you are wonderful' in a very flat tone that to my mind doesn't sound authentic. Physically he will only initiate an arm round the shoulder typ thing. But when I do he is either to tired or very much willing. It's also like when he is in that mode he can be much more affectionate. It's like it can come naturally to him if he doesn't worry about it.

I work so very hard to communicate in 'his language' trying not to make him feel there are any demands on him, trying to support with making him feel critiqued. I feel I put so much effort into not hurting his emotions with my communication. I guess I just wish in this one thing he could try to speak my language. Even if it feels weird to him and he can't understand why I need that, he could accept that I do and try. Even just learn some phrases, set an alarm to prompt him, would be enough.

I worry he is just not ever going to be happy in a relationship, someone in the space with him, needing things of him. That he would be happier alone even if he says otherwise.

Sorry I am rambling. I chose to stay even if it far from perfect, losing him would be much worse. But it's not a happy place to be, can we get to a happier place? What can I do?

Thanks if you read this far

From what you are describing of his ASD variant, he may also have alexithymia, a common co-morbidity with ASD. In other words, he may be operating in a rather "neutral" emotional state most of the time, neither happy, nor sad. He may have difficulties identifying and understanding his emotional states. He may actually be fearful of the loss of control when he does express his emotions, as he may not sense the "build up", and then he explodes into anger and frustration much to his embarrassment and regret. For many with alexithymia, we do not know how to modulate the emotional states, it's either 100% ON, or 100% OFF, and people around us do not know how to respond to that. In fact, we often times will consciously push down emotions for fear of that reaction. I speak of my own experience with alexithymia. I have been married to a NT for the better part of 40 years. So, obviously, it can work. Just do not compare yourself to NT-NT relationships, as this is a mistake. You have to make your own rules and have your own expectations. Clear communication is critical. If he is using blunt, direct communication with you, this is how you communicate with him. Do not elude to, give clues or hints and expect some sort of epiphany on his part. I've been married long enough and understand my autism enough to know I have "mind-blindness". I will NEVER know my wife no matter how long I have been with her. This is my curse. I always have to ask how she is doing and what she wants.

 

[Stuttermabolur]

I understand that you have rejection sensitive dysphoria which can make things difficult. Autism cannot be cured no matter what, though autistic people can change their behaviour. The issue is that the change might not be genuine, and can take up quite a bit of energy. Rejection sensitive dysphoria however can be treated. Are you seeing a therapist about it (with the full understanding that it might not be affordable)? Do you feel like being with your husband is making it worse? If so, is that something you have relayed to your partner? I understand that your RSD might make it difficult to tell him.

As it is, the biggest problem I see is that you don't seem to be fully secure in your relationship. If you were completely certain about your husband's love and caring for you, there wouldn't be as strong a need for him to say it. Keep in mind that I am autistic myself, so I can relate to his style of communication. It struck me that you suggested he set a compliment alarm. Wouldn't that feel a bit fake to you? Knowing he wouldn't have said anything if not for the alarm? One of the benefits I see in being with autistic people is that we tend to be honest with people we care about. Is there a way for you to see his honesty towards you as an expression of love? I wonder if he would be as blunt if he didn't know he could trust you.

You mention that you don't want to hurt his emotions with your communication, but is this actually a problem? Have you hurt him before? I'm wondering if this is a projection, as what you are thinking of saying would be hurtful to hear for you, but it wouldn't neccessarily be for him. A lot of autistic people much prefer things being said outright rather than not brought up for fear of hurting our feelings.

You might have noticed that all my advice thus far has been for you, not him, and the reason for it is simple: You were the one who wrote in, so we can only give you advice. I'm not saying that he doesn't have any responsibility for the situation, but simply that you can't change him, or make him think in a way that isn't natural for him (I second @Neonatal RRT's alexithymia hypothesis). What you can do is try and understand him (easier said than done, but good job in reaching out to an Autism Forum!) and perhaps see how his intentions and feelings might be expressed differently, and in turn, express things in a way he can understand better.

I have been in two relationships with non-autistic partners (the former was with an ADHD partner, and the other is ongoing), and it is actually a bit funny to me how little I actually understood my first partner. Of course, if I understood her very little, she understood me even less. I was making a lot of assumptions about her based on what I would like, while failing to take into account that she wanted something completely different. I think what would have helped me then is if, instead of my ex telling me what I should be doing (which immediately activated my stubbornness as I didn't feel I should do anything), she had told me how my actions were making her feel (since I deeply cared about her and didn't want to hurt her). Ultimately however, the relationship ended as we simply aren't compatible. You have been together for eight years, so presumably plenty of things work in your relationship, but I also agree with @Rodafina that some issues simply can't be solved, and it's important to be intellectually honest and face up to that. I feel much happier with my current partner than I ever did with my ex, and a lot of that has to do with us being a lot more aligned in how we see each other and what we want from our relationship.

I really didn't mean to write such a long message. It was also typed on a phone, so I apologize in advance for any spelling errors.

 

[bigmess]

Hi Thanks for such a thoughtful response.

Yes I see a therapist although rsd is not the focus. He can certainly trigger it but I have it fairly controlled so it's not like I meltdown or anything just an aching pain. He knows how u feel and he feels guilt and failure because of it.

I have insecure attachment due to my past, not helped by after 8 years we are still bf and gf (says he wants to a will propose but said that for years, says he needs to be sure first, he has a hard time with not knowing 100% but nobody can be 100% certain of the future). I know this is a me problem not him and I really try to be mindful of that but emotions still happen. And even secure people like to be given affirmation.
The alarm idea was because in discussion we concluded that he wants to say these things to me if they will make me happy, he likes it when I say things to him. Whilst it feels fake to him he wants to show love in a way I can 'hear' but doesn't have the internal prompt. Ideally he would just say things but i don't expect that of him, but if I know the sentiment behind it is true I don't mind the reminder in my 'language' being prompted. So to me it's not fake, just prompted to translate to my more NT style.

I agree with alexithymia he really fits this. But he is also so incredibly sensitive to criticism, seeing it in everything and getting very hurt by it. He gets hurt seeing me sad because he feels he as my partner needs to make me feel better and that he can't always he feels faliure/criticism for (not that I say anything like that but just seeing me sad makes this happen) so he asked me to try and hide my sadnes, ie go cry somewhere else.

I try very hard to never tell him what he should do. I will say, I understand what you wanted to say, when you word things like that it sounds a bit reluctant ect to my mind. Maybe wording it like this would help me. But he still finds this a criticism, that he is never good enough. I want us to improve our communication but he gets hurt and defensive when I suggest things.

We want the same things generally but we are misaligned in our needs for interaction and demonstrations of affection. I would benefit from little signs of affection regularly and spending time actively together 3 or 4 times a week. He would rather spend time in the same space but not interacting and actively doing something together once a week. So we try to meet in the middle, not entirely comfortable for either of us but manageable. And we have different 'languages' i have made ND my speciality at work (i work in acute mental health we have lots of ND people in the service sadly) i am try really hard to be aware of his language and work with him. Its just this one thing where I would like the same in return. But i am still staying, (maybe low self esteem means I don't feel i deserve demonstrations of love anyway) he is my person and no relationship will meet your needs perfectly after all.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Hi Thanks for such a thoughtful response.

Yes I see a therapist although rsd is not the focus. He can certainly trigger it but I have it fairly controlled so it's not like I meltdown or anything just an aching pain. He knows how u feel and he feels guilt and failure because of it.

I have insecure attachment due to my past, not helped by after 8 years we are still bf and gf (says he wants to a will propose but said that for years, says he needs to be sure first, he has a hard time with not knowing 100% but nobody can be 100% certain of the future). I know this is a me problem not him and I really try to be mindful of that but emotions still happen. And even secure people like to be given affirmation.
The alarm idea was because in discussion we concluded that he wants to say these things to me if they will make me happy, he likes it when I say things to him. Whilst it feels fake to him he wants to show love in a way I can 'hear' but doesn't have the internal prompt. Ideally he would just say things but i don't expect that of him, but if I know the sentiment behind it is true I don't mind the reminder in my 'language' being prompted. So to me it's not fake, just prompted to translate to my more NT style.

I agree with alexithymia he really fits this. But he is also so incredibly sensitive to criticism, seeing it in everything and getting very hurt by it. He gets hurt seeing me sad because he feels he as my partner needs to make me feel better and that he can't always he feels faliure/criticism for (not that I say anything like that but just seeing me sad makes this happen) so he asked me to try and hide my sadnes, ie go cry somewhere else.

I try very hard to never tell him what he should do. I will say, I understand what you wanted to say, when you word things like that it sounds a bit reluctant ect to my mind. Maybe wording it like this would help me. But he still finds this a criticism, that he is never good enough. I want us to improve our communication but he gets hurt and defensive when I suggest things.

We want the same things generally but we are misaligned in our needs for interaction and demonstrations of affection. I would benefit from little signs of affection regularly and spending time actively together 3 or 4 times a week. He would rather spend time in the same space but not interacting and actively doing something together once a week. So we try to meet in the middle, not entirely comfortable for either of us but manageable. And we have different 'languages' i have made ND my speciality at work (i work in acute mental health we have lots of ND people in the service sadly) i am try really hard to be aware of his language and work with him. Its just this one thing where I would like the same in return. But i am still staying, (maybe low self esteem means I don't feel i deserve demonstrations of love anyway) he is my person and no relationship will meet your needs perfectly after all.

First of all, NEVER criticize your partner. Seriously. He of you, or you of him. When the temptation arises, let it go. It is incredibly damaging to a relationship.

How you word things is very important. If you want him to do a task for you, then (1) present it as if you need some help because you are busy doing other things, and (2) do not present it as if you are the dominant one and giving him an order. A divide and conquer approach is more appropriate. "I will do this, you do that, and then we can have more time together."

Most men value respect over love. If he is getting a sense that he is not respected, he will reject the love you give him. If he senses that you are trying to be his mother, he will reject the love you give him. If he senses that you are trying to "fix him", he will reject the love you give him. Be very aware of this. He doesn't have to be the dominant one in the relationship, per se, but treat him as an equal.

Just a side note, and this may not apply in your case, but just be careful: Many married women tend to blame the men in their lives for their unhappiness. However, these same women realize after the divorce and it's too late, that they are still unhappy. It wasn't their husband, it was them.

 

[Misty Avich]

HI and welcome @bigmess

I am reacting a bit to your onscreen name - welcome as a mess. I am a mess too, as are many of in here in these forums.

Welcome - you are among a messy people, and you are welcomed here.

None of us find that communication is easy - ever.

Bit of a generalisation there.

 

[Aspychata]

Most men value respect over love. If he is getting a sense that he is not respected, he will reject the love you give him. If he senses that you are trying to be his mother, he will reject the love you give him. If he senses that you are trying to "fix him", he will reject the love you give him. Be very aware of this. He doesn't have to be the dominant one in the relationship, per se, but treat him as an equal.
@Neonatal RRT , so true, this is so important in any relationship.

 

[All-Rounder]

I've been a lot through the situation you're in, dating autistic people who were precisely like your current. I'm autistic as well.

My best advice in this case would be a breakup. This is because it's been a long time you've dated but regardless I'm getting strong confirmations that this is a massive character clash. I won't go into specifics but I see the ways you give and receive intimacy, your intimacy needs... Communication which is a strong essential point... You try to say no relationship will meet your needs perfectly but certainly you realize that this one has big points where it's opposite, your heart says one thing but you know better than that. If you take space to think you can think with a clear head and come up with a decision that will be uninfluenced and I believe you will do the right thing.

My second best advice because I know you might not do the above as long as you can, is something I have never ever regretted and kept me sane and offered the partner freedom. Is, you stop trying. Yes, practically just stop doing, stop working, stop feeling sorry for him, stop crying, stop because you are exhausting the little patience and sanity you have left. Once you stop trying, give up, let go, then you can live your life and be relaxed and make your life happy in whatever small ways you can, just get by without minding him, you will feel a sense of happiness return and will remember the memories in positive light. You will accept the state and the situation without feeling crazy about it. You might feel sad you can't do anything to change it but you will refocus on life because you stopped trying and continue the little happiness you can find and live on. You will interact but you will accept what is happening. And things will go on as they are but you won't be feeling so unhappy. So helpless. And so crazy. You will have a chance to cope in these dire situations. When we are not okay we are not very efficient.

 

[Aspychata]

I disagree with @All-Rounder , the OP has a lot of tools to work with, and if they wanted to leave, l think they would have. It's not for me to judge what they consider to be their deal breaker level. In fact, l am not entirely clear what they are really asking, there has to be concessions on both sides to make things work. Getting to a happier place means accepting him, quit trying to turn him into something he can't be. My best relationships are not trying to change someone, just enjoying who they are. I hate being micromanged to fit someone else's idea of what an ideal partner is, and that l need to become that.

 

[All-Rounder]

From experience I can't live with some people, I can accept they're autistic but it doesn't offer me happiness nor peace of mind, and it's an extremely sad situation in many ways until I leave the situation nor do I feel like I am not roommates and for me a healthy relationship contains expressing affection in clear ways and expressions of trust and verbal proof that's unique not like robot or movie lines as well as unprompted efforts and relationship skills.

There were many times in my toxic or emotionally charged relationships when I was unable to leave, there were many times when I tried and ended up getting back together with the person. It built a lot of resentment and hopelessness and I had severe hardship letting go even if I was very unhappy, I continued to hold on to hope and try to work it out. I could say I didn't want to let go but I can also say that I was not taking it seriously enough how detrimental it had become to me and that a different kind of relationship can exist and what it feels like. I regret sacrificing my health over failed situations and not being successful but also suffering and wasting my time as well as messing up my future chances by being in that situation too long.

I'm not sure if you've heard about the concept of faith belief, some people live according to faith, are happy and comfortable to do so, I cannot and would not have blind faith without evidence or with opposing evidence endlessly. Very similar in the relationship. But then there is the physical and emotional torment as well, you can tell yourself it's not supposed to be there but you can't fool nature. Eventually I had to accept myself and my incompatibility as well as my situation. I wished that I would work it out but it sometimes just doesn't work out and gradually gets worse. Love is not enough and you can try til you or he dies but I think there are better choices than that.

I know what I can work out now, like what something that me and another specific person can work out looks like. And it has to already have enough good things and attributes going on, even if some things are spoiled or mismatched. When it's too much, someone will give up and the desperation and hardship takes over and it becomes quite dangerous.

 

[Aspychata]

This is true of NT relationships also, people stay involved when they should have split up years ago.

 

[Seladon]

First off OP, thanks for stopping by, we're happy to have you and hear from you! And your question is a valid strong one.

My experience as an ASD person of a relationship with an ADHD/ADD person is only platonic--with my ADHD younger sister--and the good news is that it is certainly possible to accommodate on both sides, provided there is understanding and active work on compromise from both parties.

Of course, my sister and I are the same sex/age bracket, plus our relationship was in the early years somewhat mandated by family ties, so it's rather different than being with an unrelated significant other you met as a teen/adult, However, the love and the depth of the bond between us come from the same place, I would say. Me & my sis are best friends and ride-or-die, and we've learned across the years to make space for one another's needs and quirks, and either deal with them using workarounds/hacks, compassionately fight/confront it out, or just put up with it in as forgiving and positive a spirit as we can. We have stuck it out and worked together to form a mutual understanding, is the best way I can put it.

Our relationship is good and wanted for both of us, and is also relatively healthy as intimate family bonds go, so we find it's worth it to bear the occasional stress or misunderstanding. But if the day comes when it's not, I think I for one would have to walk away for both our sakes (more hers than mine, I never want her to have to 'endure' me or take on my friendship as a burden). I think all relationships call for that core understanding that nothing is forever, nothing is unconditional, people and circumstances change, and we have to love ourselves as much as the other person even if that means saying goodbye and walking away.

So yes, absolutely it is possible. But is it good for you and for the relationship you're currently in?

What I would say to you is to make sure that the scales are balanced as much as they can be, and communicate or even insist on your needs as much as trying to meet your partner's, the latter of which it seems you're already trying hard to do. Is he putting in the same amount of work and thought into you, I wonder? Also, in your case, because your partner is a man this may take a lot more effort than you find is possible to input/resource or is worth it (sorry to say, men with ASD tend to have more emotional blindspots and empathy deficiency than women--if you do break up with him, be careful and observe safety precautions). You'll need to be honest with yourself (dialogue with a trusted friend or therapist about this can help) and make sure not to sugarcoat anything, in order to make the best decision about how or whether to proceed.

Tbh and ime I find it harder living with other autistic people, especially those with different/more intense needs, e.g. it has been a lonely misery living with my undiagnosed CPTSD & ASD father, and I also had a roommate back at Uni with a live-in ASD girlfriend who was a nightmare as well. You'd think the shared common neurotype and traits would help matters, but really it's just compounding the issues. I guess that's why so many of us mask and try to hang on to NT friends & partners

All that said, I hope none of this comes across as too blunt, doomy or impractical. There are ways forward for sure, and after a few clarifying checks and decisions I believe you'll know what to do. All the best OP, let us know how it goes!

 

[All-Rounder]

My aspie chart shows both areas NT and ND of relationship so I guess I have both areas of relationship traits. I don't know if it's a blessing or a curse because I can't fit in with either crowd (in terms of dating). Here goes Frankenstein

 

[Seladon]

it probably won't look like a TV love story romance. Might look a lot more like quietly sharing a bowl of popcorn and watching Netflix, while laughing at how stupid the movie is.

Awww, I love this!

One of the most romantic things I've ever heard said about love & relationships is the line, "I could watch tv with this kid for the rest of my life." That's my Casablanca, honestly.

 

[All-Rounder]

Awww, I love this!

One of the most romantic things I've ever heard said about love & relationships is the line, "I could watch tv with this kid for the rest of my life." That's my Casablanca, honestly.

Funny I did that a lot with my ex and it seemed to work out for me regardless of the lacks, at least til he confessed he cheated. Rip.

I suspect he had experience in making people feel safe while not actually keeping them safe and reaping the benefits of their safety alone.