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As an NT How do I know when I should ask out my (potentially Aspie) crush?

Rodafina

Hopefully Human
Staff member
V.I.P Member
I just feel like I am wordy and that most of what Im saying may be a turn off.
Yes, this could be your authentic self. You have mentioned it several times and you have highlighted that you are a writer.

Im trying to learn how to communicate with him so that I don’t exhaust him, if that’s happening.
Why not learn this from him? Sure, you got advice here, but that is from just a few autistic gentleman. Everyone is telling you that we are each different.

I don’t know…. Maybe I am trying too hard.
It seems like your effort is being put in the wrong place. Why talk about him instead of to him? I just don’t understand.

I do know that since I’ve taken some of the advice here, he has responded more easily to my texts. So I’m very grateful for that.
This sounds like by changing your behavior, you are eliciting the response that you want from him. That’s what I’m talking about.

Have you read about how many autistic people spend much of their life behind a mask and the seriously detrimental effects this has over the long term? It would be the same for you in reverse. Just be yourself. If there are things to learn, learn them from this unique individual.
 

Tom

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Here's a nice Gary Larsen cartoon to wrap up the introduction :)
iu

Off on a tangent here (dog special interest). But I had read dogs can lean about 120 words on average and so called 'super dogs' up to 250 which put them on a par vocabulary-wise with a two year old child. But then a dog named Chaser broke the record with 1022 words and reached the level of a three year old child. I talk to mine all the time in full sentences which they likely do not understand, but they listen. :D

https://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2011/01/11/132839704/good-dog-border-collie-learns-more-than-1-000-words#:~:text=A border collie named Chaser,of more than 1,000 objects.
 

mylife2023

Active Member
Off on a tangent here (dog special interest). But I had read dogs can lean about 120 words on average and so called 'super dogs' up to 250 which put them on a par vocabulary-wise with a two year old child. But then a dog named Chaser broke the record with 1022 words and reached the level of a three year old child. I talk to mine all the time in full sentences which they likely do not understand, but they listen. :D

https://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2011/01/11/132839704/good-dog-border-collie-learns-more-than-1-000-words#:~:text=A border collie named Chaser,of more than 1,000 objects.
I have had border collies for years! They are super smart!
 

mylife2023

Active Member
Yes, this could be your authentic self. You have mentioned it several times and you have highlighted that you are a writer.


Why not learn this from him? Sure, you got advice here, but that is from just a few autistic gentleman. Everyone is telling you that we are each different.


It seems like your effort is being put in the wrong place. Why talk about him instead of to him? I just don’t understand.


This sounds like by changing your behavior, you are eliciting the response that you want from him. That’s what I’m talking about.

Have you read about how many autistic people spend much of their life behind a mask and the seriously detrimental effects this has over the long term? It would be the same for you in reverse. Just be yourself. If there are things to learn, learn them from this unique individual.
All you say is true.... I just live literally 4 hours away and am afraid of messing up a potentially amazing friendship, if he feels like my asking him out, just makes things to awkward. I want the friendship to deepen first anyways. IDK.
 

Rodafina

Hopefully Human
Staff member
V.I.P Member
All you say is true.... I just live literally 4 hours away and am afraid of messing up a potentially amazing friendship, if he feels like my asking him out, just makes things to awkward. I want the friendship to deepen first anyways. IDK.
I hope you do become good friends. Everyone needs good friends.
 

Stuttermabolur

Wondering...
V.I.P Member
First off, I completely agree with @Rodafina that the best way to know the answer to your question is to straight out ask him. It will be much more fruitful than speaking with strangers here and I also think it's a great opportunity for you two to grow closer, and signals that you have an interest in his wellbeing and are comfortable being vulnerable.

Since you asked, I will explain how I see your message here:
How are your mom and dad feeling? My daughter had a stomach flu last weekend. She’s better this week. She had to go to the sr though.
In this message, I just see one question followed by a statement. The question itself is manageable to me, though still a bit tricky as I actually don't know how my parents are feeling. When it comes to the statement, well, I have no idea if I should respond to that, and what my response should be if I do. So, your daughter was sick and then got better. If she was still sick, I might know to say I hope she gets better (this is partly "scripted", even though it's true) and if you just said she got better, I might ask how she got sick, what happened or if I forgot something (though I might feel too awkward to ask if I was worried about having forgotten something you told me). As it stands however, it's just a closed statement. She got worse and then she got better.

This is actually a big problem for me if someone tells me about some hardship they are going through. "So, your aunt died? Well, erm, I'm sorry it happened....silence...." My response always feels "canned", and I think the other person notices as well. This is even worse if I disagree with someone, like when they are criticizing someone I think is behaving reasonably since as I'm a terrible liar, and agreeing with them feels disingenuous but I'm also conflict averse, so I tend to just stay silent. This can also be a problem with jokes I find unfunny. People pretend I don't understand the joke, but often I do, but just don't have anything to say.

In terms of not initiating stuff and being passive, this was a major complaint of my ex. She had big plans for the next decade of her life, while I was content drifting through life and seeing where it takes me. She was absolutely right that I was way more passive than she, and hardly initiated anything, but I also didn't see the need to and still don't. If I am content with things how they are, and don't see a specific problem that needs solving, then what should I initiate, and why?

She wanted to go to a specific college, and I said that I would also be happy to go there with her, like she wanted. However, she wanted me to really want to go there with her, and not because she wanted to go. Now, this was a bit of a conundrum for me, as obviously I hadn't been planning to go there before meeting her, but that's because I hadn't decided on any college yet, and now that I knew of one she was going to, it made the most sense to me. It was also a fine college, so I didn't see much going against the pick, but she still got annoyed about this as it wasn't "genuine" enough.

When it comes to the subject of the thread, I concur with what the others have said. Be direct, and don't expect him to take up any hints. I would never have admitted my feelings for my ex, and it took a year after we became friends for her to fall in love with me, and then she admitted her feelings towards me within a month.

Again though, don't mask for him. If you are struggling in constructing messages the right way, let him know, and ask for feedback. I see the willingness to make yourself vulnerable as a great strength. @Rodafina mentioned in another thread how just being willing to say "I don't understand" has helped her a great deal. I think you should view that as a goal. Be willing to tell him "I don't know", "I need help" or "can you clarify this" when you feel uncertain.
 

mylife2023

Active Member
I've never been that girl that asks a guy out, but with this particular guy, I feel like I am having to take the lead on everything. I don't mind that, but there's a learning curve. He responds more when I am straightforward, and then it kind of wanes until I say something bold. I haven't interacted much with him, because of distance, but I am willing to drive the four hours to go on a date. I've found a nice quiet restaurant so that we could maybe talk face to face.

My question is, how do I know when it's okay to just ASK? Do I pay? Do I suggest we split the bill? I just have no idea how to go about this. I know he's clearly interested, and he's slowly talking more (some days, anyways).

What's the green light to move forward?

Thanks for any advice.
UPDATE for those interested. I finally just did it. I asked him out right. He immediately replied Yes and was very sweet, but then said, "Have a good night" so .... I guess I'm doing the actual planning of this meeting?
 

Judge

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
UPDATE for those interested. I finally just did it. I asked him out right. He immediately replied Yes and was very sweet, but then said, "Have a good night" so .... I guess I'm doing the actual planning of this meeting?
Think of it in terms of American football. You have possession of the ball. Now run with it!

It all may defy basic social conventions, but if it works, don't knock it. ;)
 

paloftoon

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I feel kind of like that afraid of asking is kind of being afraid of rejection. Even though they are not technically the same thing, the result of both are close enough. I think not being able to initiate and not being able to express can be unattractive features UNLESS you are okay being in a slave relationship and like to be told what to do and you express that clearly to a potential partner that you will do activities and perform exactly as they do.
One thing you can do to minimize pressure is to ask. Ask your date how he feels about you paying sometimes and ask what to him might be an appropriate minimum and maximum amount of time to think about things. If you really need to focus on a specific, ask him to give his best estimate because it will help you be a good partner to him. As unnatural as it might be to have to ask him this, the fact that you are also communicating these needs for a positive result is also very sexy at the same time.
 

AO1501

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I feel kind of like that afraid of asking is kind of being afraid of rejection. Even though they are not technically the same thing, the result of both are close enough.
I think this is totally right, and hard to underestimate in a situation such as this.
 

mylife2023

Active Member
I feel kind of like that afraid of asking is kind of being afraid of rejection. Even though they are not technically the same thing, the result of both are close enough. I think not being able to initiate and not being able to express can be unattractive features UNLESS you are okay being in a slave relationship and like to be told what to do and you express that clearly to a potential partner that you will do activities and perform exactly as they do.
One thing you can do to minimize pressure is to ask. Ask your date how he feels about you paying sometimes and ask what to him might be an appropriate minimum and maximum amount of time to think about things. If you really need to focus on a specific, ask him to give his best estimate because it will help you be a good partner to him. As unnatural as it might be to have to ask him this, the fact that you are also communicating these needs for a positive result is also very sexy at the same time.
I agree. I am quickly learning how to be straightforward and it’s made everything more relaxed. This relationship is moving very slow and that’s something I think I like. I’m learning him and he’s learning me…. I think.?

I’ve really been trying to pay close attention to my texts and not overload them with too much rambling or streams of consciousness. We actually texted steadily for 2 1/2 hours last night.

Thanks for the advice.
 

Sasha22

No surrender
V.I.P Member
Have you read about how many autistic people spend much of their life behind a mask and the seriously detrimental effects this has over the long term? It would be the same for you in reverse. Just be yourself.
If I understood it correctly, I think this is great advice.
 

paloftoon

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
If you're meeting him/her for a 3rd time and he/she hasn't asked you yet, it's definitely okay to ask. If they aren't sure or any answer that is not a "yes", move on or stay platonic.
 

mylife2023

Active Member
Okay, so the date/meetup is finally supposed to happen on Saturday. He said at the beginning that he didn't know me well and wants to get to know one another, but I am just a little concerned that he still has yet to ask me ANY personal questions. I know tons of things about him, because I've asked questions. For instance, I asked when his birthday was and he gave me the month. I then asked if there was a day to go with it. He answered. He never asked mine. So, I told him. It's been like that with every question I've ever asked him. It's almost just become the natural way that we converse. Is this normal? He seems very excited about said date, so. I'm coming up with a list of topics that I feel are balanced and are of interest to he and I, both, based on our text conversations.
 

Rodafina

Hopefully Human
Staff member
V.I.P Member
I would suggest following your own curiosity more. Ask what you wanna ask and just say what you wanna say without expectation of being asked questions.

The birthday thing is a good example of something that seems irrelevant. Sometimes it comes up in conversation for one reason or another, but in terms of getting to know somebody, swapping birthdays doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. I recently talked about birthdays with someone because there was some fascination with the numbers and the dates, but not because it was some thing that should be known between friends.

I also make lists of things I want to discuss with people, but it’s more just things that I want to say and don’t want to forget, because I will get flustered face-to-face.

Once again, as before, I recommend trying to keep the focus on yourself and not trying to elicit behavior from him that would feel good to you. Rather, just be yourself. That’s what getting to know someone is all about. Be Yourself and see if you like the response.
 

mylife2023

Active Member
I do see the whole birthday thing. I think that when people ask that, it’s more just looking for a connection ( if you have the same birthday month or day. ) it helps begin a discussion.

I have practiced all kinds of conversations for the past three weeks. It helps me weed out unnecessary info and helps me work on phrasing things without too much slang or any sarcasms he might not get.

I’m so nervous and I don’t get like this very often. ‍

This will be our first uninterrupted time together.
 

Rodafina

Hopefully Human
Staff member
V.I.P Member
I do see the whole birthday thing. I think that when people ask that, it’s more just looking for a connection ( if you have the same birthday month or day. ) it helps begin a discussion.

I have practiced all kinds of conversations for the past three weeks. It helps me weed out unnecessary info and helps me work on phrasing things without too much slang or any sarcasms he might not get.

I’m so nervous and I don’t get like this very often. ‍

This will be our first uninterrupted time together.
This sounds like a stressful and unpleasant experience from my perspective.

Now that you have shared you are starting to see many autistic traits and yourself, remember the propensity for the autistic mind to overthink things. The risk in thinking about this as much as you are is that your time with your friend will be contrived and full of stress. Likely once you are in this person’s presence you’ll feel more relaxed and it is just the anticipation that is causing the anxiety. But, right now, it really sounds like your expectations for yourself, for this meeting, and for this other person are a bit too high.

I’ll stop there and let others chime in, but I will just reiterate, calm down, relax, be yourself.
 

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