~~~ Are These Good First Messages To Ladies On P.O.F Dating (Opinions Please) ?? ~~~

[Plumeria]

I'd be fairly reluctant to do anything along the lines of just copying and pasting an entire message but I guess perhaps if it was only part of the message with the rest made unique to the girl I'm sending the message to then perhaps that'd help work around the huge time constraints individualizing every message in it's entirety to every girl without anything written in her profile, given that you wanna open the field of opportunities as wide as possible....right?

You are correct you want to increase your opportunities but do NOT copy and paste, Ive had instances when the same guy wrote me the exact message after a week or two.. sometimes sending me the SAME message three or four times! Thats why it is important to keep some the same but insert the reference of their profile to add uniqueness to the message. If there's nothing in their profile, you can reference the city they live or their Headline… hope this helps!

 

[Hopeless_Aspie_Guy]

Best of luck to you, Hopeless. I would never even venture into a place as fraught with the dangers of misunderstandings, accidentally offending someone, coming across wrong, etc. etc. as a dating site. You're a braver man than I.

All this advice is great, and what a caring group, very interesting to read.

Brave, um well judging by the age/generational comparison between us it's the difference between someone who grew up with IM and the internet and someone who didn't have those means at the equivalent age. Also I feel too incapable to meet girls in real life (without the online datting) and god forbid I dare try a 'singles night'. Online dating gives you the luxury of never having to face the many who turn you down, real life isn't so kind.

 

[pushpin]

Best of luck to you, Hopeless. I would never even venture into a place as fraught with the dangers of misunderstandings, accidentally offending someone, coming across wrong, etc. etc. as a dating site. You're a braver man than I.

All this advice is great, and what a caring group, very interesting to read.

I agree. It is brave and definitely not something I could do.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

What turned me off to the site was that I didn't even have time to put up any personal information about me. I had just put up two pictures of myself and got bombarded with responses. It was like they were just waiting in the wings like vultures going in for the kill. Geez. It also told me that they were not really interested in the "real" me, just what they saw. One was even married! What is wrong with people?! I sure do feel sorry for his wife. I deleted my profile the next day.

You know I should put up another profile with a picture of Grumpy Cat! And if they say something that rubs me the wrong way, I'll just say "Your gift is in the litter box, Bozo!"

 

[Hopeless_Aspie_Guy]

What turned me off to the site was that I didn't even have time to put up any personal information about me. I had just put up two pictures of myself and got bombarded with responses. It was like they were just waiting in the wings like vultures going in for the kill. Geez. It also told me that they were not really interested in the "real" me, just what they saw. One was even married! What is wrong with people?! I sure do feel sorry for his wife. I deleted my profile the next day.

You know I should put up another profile with a picture of Grumpy Cat! And if they say something that rubs me the wrong way, I'll just say "Your gift is in the litter box, Bozo!"

Well maybe you were just too sexy then lol.
Oh and if the advice given on here doesn't work then I'm going to put you all in a 'burn book' lol (and if you don't know what that is, google it!!).

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Well maybe you were just too sexy then lol.
Oh and if the advice given on here doesn't work then I'm going to put you all in a 'burn book' lol (and if you don't know what that is, google it!!).

That's gotta be it...I was just too damn sexy. I should put a picture up like this instead -

**That's not really me, btw. That's from the movie Titanic.

 

[Hopeless_Aspie_Guy]

That's gotta be it...I was just too damn sexy. I should put a picture up like this instead -

View attachment 14062

**That's not really me, btw. That's from the movie Titanic.

Where did you take this nurseangela ;
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 83 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 153 of 200 You are very likely neurotypical

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Where did you take this nurseangela ;
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 83 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 153 of 200 You are very likely neurotypical

The test? It's on one of the threads but I can't remember which one. I'm sure someone here on the site can tell you.

 

[On the Inside]

View attachment 14062

**That's not really me, btw. That's from the movie Titanic.

I don't remember that cat in the movie!?

Hopeless, just search for Aspie Quiz RDOS

 

[apt-get]

So this is the first of many messages I intend to post to gather some opinions on my ongoing hopelessness for romance with the ladies on dating sites (I'll try to answer other peoples questions I guess to return the favour). The messages you see below were opening messages I sent on 'plenty of fish' a fair amount of which caused the intended person to checkout my profile it showed, but in the grand scheme of roughly 60 individual messages I only got 3 responses, all positive yet quickly or eventually leading nowhere (to be included perhaps on another post).
Here are a few samples (bear in mind that some are in reference to their profiles, which I always show I've read);

I don't have any experience with online dating, but I can say that if I received these messages, I would probably delete them. Honestly, the sample of messages that you have sent out are extremely shallow and all of them have a very strong emphasis on the appearance of the person you are talking to. That emphasis makes it look like you aren't interested in the women as people and are only looking for a quick ****. I don't know if you've seen this video, but what you are doing is actually very similar to what the guys in the video are doing, and is both ineffective, and it's kind of creepy, to be honest. Hopefully I'm not sounding too harsh, but I'm trying to be honest.

If this was me that you were messaging, I'd at least want to see if there was a possibility for us to have a friendly or thought-provoking conversation. If we were going to go on a date, you'd have to show, in person, that you are capable of doing that anyways, so doing it in a message first is helpful to determine if we have things in common and if our personalities matched. This is generic, but true and important advice, but be yourself. Alright, well, that's how I would want a guy or girl interested in dating me to approach, since I'm going on the assumption that if you are seriously interested in dating me, that you find me physically attractive.

 

[Hopeless_Aspie_Guy]

I don't have any experience with online dating, but I can say that if I received these messages, I would probably delete them. Honestly, the sample of messages that you have sent out are extremely shallow and all of them have a very strong emphasis on the appearance of the person you are talking to. That emphasis makes it look like you aren't interested in the women as people and are only looking for a quick ****. I don't know if you've seen this video, but what you are doing is actually very similar to what the guys in the video are doing, and is both ineffective, and it's kind of creepy, to be honest. Hopefully I'm not sounding too harsh, but I'm trying to be honest.

Wow yer that was harsh, but I wanted all opinions and advice because it's then up to me to disseminate and concatenate. So now I must ask these few questions of you apt-get ;
Did you even mean this message would be deleted by you to;
Can't believe people thought it was a tan, nice tagline and I'd say you wrote a fairly long profile thats actually worth reading and too long to quote every great bit to prove I actually read it. I'll challenge your adoration for dogs with the lovely squeeks and peeps of a rat any day though so ;-P
5 randomn facts...ummm; I love the smell of magazine print. I happen to think that Indian women have the world greatest smiles. I'm wearing 'wheres wally' socks right now.I love marmite. Oh god,,,a fifth one...umm....well if you're actually interested in me at all I'll get back to you on that.
GOT A RESPONSE
This was in relation to her skin colour initially in which her tagline was- "yes it's a tan, the permanant kind" in response to the ignorance she faced.

And how then or what then would you suggest I go down the lines of saying if (like 50% or more of the women on there) she has no written profile, only photos?
And jokingly or seriously I might add- if you saw my pic for the first time then surely (handsome, alright, ugly or whatever) you still would hopefully conclude "ahhh but he's a friendly looking guy, so I'll let him off for telling me I'm beautiful in all those different ways"???
And also (though I cannot dismiss the advice I'm getting on here) I wonder if in part being aspies just mean you see or feel differently in regards to expectations from a guy or online than most NT women??

 

[AsheSkyler]

1) What (without insisting you be too specific) could some of the expectations be or the girls saying very little and asking the guy to simply ask (here is where I come apart because you still need to stand out and you've now successfully dissuaded me away from mentioning or at least focusing on physical attributes).?

2) Without making it out as if I'm trying to get you to do all the work for me then or to try to try getting you to pander to my ego etc, as a profile pic (though naturally there are others I could consider) is this the right kind of picture?

The problem I must confess with potentially having aspergers or just these similar difficulties with understanding relationships, dating women etc is that sadly (or thankfully perhaps) it takes this kinda help to change me and get me more intune with people I otherwise cannot find this out myself from first-hand.

1) If you come across a more curious and technological type like me, you could probably dive straight on into chats of science and gadgets and other stuff. If she's outdoorsy, you could go into favorite kinds of parks, hikes, animals, and so forth. If she's an avid reader, you could talk about books. If she's religious and you are too there are plenty of long chats to be had, especially if she's a history buff to boot and you two enjoy researching. If it's a plain Jane "I like shopping and flip flops!" profile, good luck?
Just throwing out ideas. I had a LOT of "hey, how are you, I'm bored" messages and they usually lead to short, boring conversations. One of my best conversations turned out being from a guy who decided who wasn't interested in me, but we had a LOOONG conversation about science, evolution, aliens, and stuff anyway. It's very hard finding good people to talk to on dating sites.

2) Your current avatar here is fairly normal. Facing the camera straight or a quarter turn to the side, not taking a shot above or below or other odd angle. Odd angles like (especially above or below) are usually taken by people who like to get drunk and party or generally be wild and get into trouble. Profile shots I think are safe (only left or right side of the face), I never saw many profile shots, so I don't think they're associated with anything bad. Outdoorsy people usually have a picture of themselves near a tree or generally outside, gamers tend to be showing themselves by the computer or on the couch, and so on.
Well, I liked the more normal photos anyway. I didn't trust the guys who had smarm brow photos.

Being Aspie does add a LOT of complications to dating. I knew quite a few shallow women who thrived on being wined, dined, gifted, and long discussions of how pretty they were. And then there was me, coming off like one of those scary feminists with little patience for "normal" guys and the thought of being showered with gifts was repulsive.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I don't remember that cat in the movie!?

Can't you see it in the eyes? That's not a cat - that's Rose.
(One very hairy Rose)

 

[apt-get]

Wow yer that was harsh, but I wanted all opinions and advice because it's then up to me to disseminate and concatenate. So now I must ask these few questions of you apt-get ;
Did you even mean this message would be deleted by you to;
Can't believe people thought it was a tan, nice tagline and I'd say you wrote a fairly long profile thats actually worth reading and too long to quote every great bit to prove I actually read it. I'll challenge your adoration for dogs with the lovely squeeks and peeps of a rat any day though so ;-P
5 randomn facts...ummm; I love the smell of magazine print. I happen to think that Indian women have the world greatest smiles. I'm wearing 'wheres wally' socks right now.I love marmite. Oh god,,,a fifth one...umm....well if you're actually interested in me at all I'll get back to you on that.
GOT A RESPONSE
This was in relation to her skin colour initially in which her tagline was- "yes it's a tan, the permanant kind" in response to the ignorance she faced.

Sorry if I was harsh. Yeah, I don't think it would work out if you sent me that as a first message. It is better than the rest of them though, to be fair.

And how then or what then would you suggest I go down the lines of saying if (like 50% or more of the women on there) she has no written profile, only photos?

This may come from a lack of experience, but I'd like to think that online dating is a mutual effort. If some women don't write profiles, then it's not worth messaging them, IMO. I don't know how plentyoffish works, but there's also the possibility that some of those without profiles are spambots. Plus, if it's only a factor of two that don't have profile information, surely that isn't too bad?

Here's another way to look at it. Women who are at least midly attractive tend to get lots of messages from guys telling them that and making statements on their appearances. It's a very easy thing to say. If you want to date some woman, and you are sending her first messages that are really no different from lots of messages that she is getting, what makes you stand out from all of the other guys telling her the same thing? You could ask the same thing to any of those other guys.

And jokingly or seriously I might add- if you saw my pic for the first time then surely (handsome, alright, ugly or whatever) you still would hopefully conclude "ahhh but he's a friendly looking guy, so I'll let him off for telling me I'm beautiful in all those different ways"???

I'm not going to make any judgments on your appearances, FYI, but you look better as a guy than I do as a girl. I'm not sure if that's a good comparison though.

Here's the thing. I don't think your appearance would factor into my decision to not message you. For me, at least, even if the hottest guys on the planet sent me first messages that mainly talked about my looks and didn't have any substance to it, I wouldn't want to engage with that person. That isn't to say that appearances don't matter to me, but I'm really not that picky about it. When it comes to dating someone that I would consider being with on the long term, personality matches are going to end up outweighing appearances.

I know few guys who, despite not being attractive by most standards, I would happily go on a date with if they asked me (I'm sure they won't though). I find them fun to hang around and can have engaging conversations with them. I also know some hotties that can do that as well, and I would go on dates with them if they asked (again, they wouldn't ask me though). I've also known some fairly hot guys who I would be really bored with on a date. I'm currently single, but my ex-boyfriend was pretty good to go on dates with. My ex-girlfriend wasn't as much of a talker, but still really fun to hang around as well.

Just FYI, I'm not attractive at all, and there are some physical aspects about me that many men would refuse to date me because of, but whatevs.

And also (though I cannot dismiss the advice I'm getting on here) I wonder if in part being aspies just mean you see or feel differently in regards to expectations from a guy or online than most NT women??

I'm only speaking for myself here, but yeah, I would expect that there are going to be differences.

 

[Hopeless_Aspie_Guy]

You know what's ironic, I told someone on here last night how beautiful I thought she looked (coupled with a few other compliments) and she was very happy and responsive about it. But it doesn't stop me listening to the suggestions of not bringing personal appearance into it.

 

[epath13]

I used to talk to a lot of people online when I was single. I would respond to most messages, mostly out of curiosity without any further intentions. I never trusted people who would talk about my looks right away. I preferred talking to people with similar interests. I remember my profile was the most ridiculous profile ever my message was something like this, "tsup guys? Wanna chat?" It definitely said a lot about my intelligence but it addition to that I put my interests on it: art, photography, music, Web design (those were my primary interests at that time). And the nicest guys I met were mostly programmers. Their starting line was something like, "I see you are interested in Web design" I liked it much more than "you are so pretty" eventually I met my husband online, he probably said something like, "hey, how are you doing?" Which is also not a bad line and then we talked about music. He was a DJ and I was musician/song writer, so we had a lot in common. My honest opinion, if I received messages like yours I would still talk to you but I would be suspicious. Everybody is different obviously I would focus on a woman's interests and her mind 1st and then on her looks. (I suspect other people might have said the same thing, I haven't read all the comments)

 

[Hopeless_Aspie_Guy]

(I suspect other people might have said the same thing, I haven't read all the comments)

It wouldn't matter if everyone had said this epath13 , as although I'd be getting answers mainly from aspies (who may or may not have different personal requirements) all the opinions are valid to me, tend to be a good enough variation of the same end answer and are helping to provide (at least for aspies, but perhaps for NT's too) a complete picture from 'majority rules' logic.

 

[Suiseiseki]

What turned me off to the site was that I didn't even have time to put up any personal information about me. I had just put up two pictures of myself and got bombarded with responses. It was like they were just waiting in the wings like vultures going in for the kill. Geez. It also told me that they were not really interested in the "real" me, just what they saw. One was even married! What is wrong with people?! I sure do feel sorry for his wife. I deleted my profile the next day.

You know I should put up another profile with a picture of Grumpy Cat! And if they say something that rubs me the wrong way, I'll just say "Your gift is in the litter box, Bozo!"

Yeah I got the same too, abit since being bisexual, got a fair amount of gay guys like simply wanting to **** me lol
Nice to know I am cute to people but they didn't even ask my name.
Here and there I'd get some pretending to care...
I had a tiny bit more luck with women in that I got a few dates, none went well, but that's a whole other kettle of fish.
I never, ever open on something about their appearance. It's just wrong.

 

[Hopeless_Aspie_Guy]

So much for thinking the answers were going to be conflicting or controversial, if I manage to establish that NT women have similar first message expectations from online dating then this post unanimously implies 'no' for any mentions of physical attractiveness (whether it's sent from a guy with an innocent friendly smile and nature or not). Aspies (which is a plus point) are often deeper thinkers though.

 

[Suiseiseki]

Well women on these sites get dozens of complements on their looks daily, you need to stand out and thus show that's not the only thing jumping around in your head.