Anxiety caused by hiding it...

[lilyb1991]

I prefer to hide my diagnosis and the majority of my symptoms as im trying to fit in better... however after starting a new job im worried that its becoming more noticable. People dont talk to me and because im no good at starting conversations i usually work in silence. I prefer to not talk and really enjoy just being on my own but at the same time i need to make it so i can blend in a bit better and fly under the radar. I guess im posting this because i want to know if someone else has the same issues as well.

 

[WereBear]

You need to be categorized. At this point, you run the risk of seeming "rude and superior" and they will decide that "you think you are too good for them." They need some form of making social connections with you to feel okay, themselves.

You cannot be around them and not of them. It makes them just as nervous as we feel being pressured to be social.

So give them an explanation. Tell someone, who likes to talk to everyone, that you are terribly shy with new people. Then occasionally peek around corners and smile in a co-worker's direction, with quick glances at their eyebrows. Twiddle your fingers at people to say "hi!" in the mornings if actually saying hello is too daunting.

Practice a phrase to use if their attempts to to chat overwhelm you, like "Oh, I haven't figured out the something-something yet, I better get back to it." Keep your eyes down and whisper if it make you feel too uncomfortable to do more. You want to create the impression that it is your SHYNESS that keeps you from being like them.

They feel much more comfortable if you are explainable. If your job is the kind which gives you long periods of time to do it in, great! Upon arriving and leaving, acknowledge co-workers, especially by name; in fact, just saying their name will do wonders. A shy smile, downcast eyes, a whispered "Janet" and you are all set, possibly for the rest of the day.

 

[yosomono]

> I guess im posting this because i want to know if someone else has the same issues as well.
I'm sure a lot of people do. I know I do -- I have no idea how many times I've pretended to receive a phone call or to have forgotten something at my desk so I can avoid getting in the elevator and getting trapped in a conversation with a coworker, even as I'm aware that that hurts me more than it helps. But WereBear's comments were spot on and incredibly insightful. After just being diagnosed recently in my early 50s, I told a few former coworkers, and they thought that was brave of me to tell them. "Not at all," I said. "You already knew that I'm kind of weird and were cool with that, now you know why, and it just simplifies things." That gets back to WereBear's point that "They feel much more comfortable if you are explainable". The flip side of that is that my current coworkers who don't know much about me, just think I'm weird and distant and someone who just keeps his headphones on all day and doesn't talk to anyone for some reason, and I suspect that I do make them uncomfortable. Since my recent diagnosis, I've been thinking of telling some people at my current job, but probably won't because I'm thinking it's time to look for a new job for other reasons.

This may not work for you, but the thing that helped me most at my current job was that we had a weekly game lunch for a while, which at its peak was up to several days a week. What are board games? Social interaction with a rule book. That was exactly what I needed, and I was much more social during the time period when we were having game lunches. I could be there, part of the game, and if I had something to say I would say it. If not, I could just sit there and enjoy the game without stressing about holding up my end of a conversation, and it was a great way to seem like you're more actively participating than you really are. We're all now so overworked, and people are scheduling lunch time meetings all the time, that the game lunch tradition unfortunately died off months ago. Which means I'm now back to being perceived as antisocial. Oh, well. But my point is that if you can get that started, that's a relatively easy way to start to integrate yourself with a group. (Granted, that's easy for me to say 'cause I wasn't the one who started our game lunches.) If you want some game ideas, browse around on BoardGameGeek.com, Google "best short tabletop games", check a local game store if you have one, check Meetup.com for local board game groups in your area.

 

[clg114]

I was 60 years old before I even heard of Asperger's Syndrome and 62 before I was diagnosed. My life style and my work was well established by then, so my diagnosis did not change my life much. People who knew me or knew of me, thought of me as that "weird, old, smart guy" and I am fine with that. While my diagnosis was very revealing to me, it did not take long to figure out that telling others was not a good idea. I found that "most people" can not or will not understand. They think that if you are autistic that you are broken or inferior in some way, even though I clearly could do many things that they could not. So I just do not mention it to others. However, not telling others does not cause anxiety for me.

 

[Kupu2]

lilyb1991 , I understand your dilemma. I face the same. I'm getting tested early next week, so it is constantly on my mind. I feel more anxiety not talking about it and attempting to pass. Everything around me is crumbling and others can't ignore the proverbial elephant.

 

[WereBear]

Yes, I am getting ready for a three day trip to get tested. They told me the test would take all day, the drive is 3.5 hours one way, best case. I had to get a hotel room for two nights!

However, I am looking forward to have a room all by myself, in a place no one knows me

I will tell people on a need to know basis. Like my friends who have been so supportive of my illness. Now that I know what my "illness" is, how can I not tell them?

 

[Liambruno]

In my experience, things always start to crumble when I spend too long trying to "pass" in a given situation (pre-diagnosis I had no idea why this happened, but it has been a lifelong issue). I don't have an answer to the social and functional issues of work, because I'm still figuring those out myself. But I do think it's best not to try to pass; if you were paralyzed from the waist, you wouldn't pretend that you could walk (unless you were FDR).
People on the autism spectrum need acceptance for who they really are, not more pressure to conform to neurotypical expectations. Getting that acceptance, I suspect, is where self-advocacy comes in. I think sometimes the notion of fitting in can be broadened, especially when people accept and even like our quirks.