Another rant

[vergil96]

So I have had to study a lot and didn't really socialise much.

I can't even recall what has been happening in terms of autism recfntly, it's been a lot, because there is s lot of relearning to do. Obviously I went out with this friend group again and had a meltdown again because we were on a busy street and they asked why I'm wearing earphones, which made me feel ashamed, even though they're generally friendly and I don't think they would mind if I kept them on. I don't know, I need to be more assertive, I'm wasting so much health on things like that, on feeling ashamed that something that seems invisible to others makes me straight up melt down. Then I felt completely stupid when someone asked if it's because of neurodiversity. Well, I have no clue how other people perceive for example the noises, I'm not in their heads. All I know is that they bother me a lot. I don't really know how to untagle all that. I get questioned why I don't make enough eye contact or what I'm looking at. I want to just be left alone with how I behave. I don't seem to look autistic to others or like someone from whom to expect unusual behaviour. But I'm not good enough at behaving like others do and come across as all kinds of things but not what I'm actually experiencing. At least I got to tell that I hate jacuzzi... Idk, I need to do something about all that.

 

[ChrisTX1968]

Man, "not good at behaving like others do" that hit hard, so true for me.

 

[Kayla55]

Diversity doesn't really work, and there's many more years to find it out. A thread previously on Asperger's only town, no, we not social and not really moving there to socialise in a different click but to have inclusion in workplace, to have some-what decency in our lives, to promote productivity in our divergent types.

 

[Hypnalis]

@vergil96

You can address many of the things you describe as part of a "personal development" project.

Start here:

Everyone (including you and me) is the center of their own "universe".
It follows that hardly anyone cares about your appearance, style, and behavior, and those who do (like your friend group) care about it a lot less than you do.

If people can't think of anything better to talk about, they'll focus on differences. Not necessarily because they care a lot - it's just how the human mind works (probably quite useful for survival when our ancestors shared the savanna with a lot of large carnivores 20K to 200+K years ago).

If someone asks about something trivial (like your use of earphones) just answer them briefly. They'll accept your answer, and that will be that.
In this case, you just say you're sensitive to noise, so you use them to reduce the ambient noise levels. It's a complete answer - don't add anything.

It sounds like you're investing small things with far more weight than they deserve. Probably because you're (erroneously) reacting as though you're also the center of other people's universes.

You're not:
The rule for casual friends is "assume they hardly care".
In the case of strangers, assume they don't care at all.

In the rare case you meet (or know) some crazy/rude person who tries to shame you, ignore them at the time, and ghost them permanently.
There aren't all that many people like that in the world - the ignore/ghost strategy will make sure there are very few in your personal environment.

 

[Kayla55]

@vergil96

You can address many of the things you describe as part of a "personal development" project.

Start here:

Everyone (including you and me) is the center of their own "universe".
It follows that hardly anyone cares about your appearance, style, and behavior, and those who do (like your friend group) care about it a lot less than you do.

If people can't think of anything better to talk about, they'll focus on differences. Not necessarily because they care a lot - it's just how the human mind works (probably quite useful for survival when our ancestors shared the savanna with a lot of large carnivores 20K to 200+K years ago).

If someone asks about something trivial (like your use of earphones) just answer them briefly. They'll accept your answer, and that will be that.
In this case, you just say you're sensitive to noise, so you use them to reduce the ambient noise levels. It's a complete answer - don't add anything.

It sounds like you're investing small things with far more weight than they deserve. Probably because you're (erroneously) reacting as though you're also the center of other people's universes.

You're not:
The rule for casual friends is "assume they hardly care".
In the case of strangers, assume they don't care at all.

In the rare case you meet (or know) some crazy/rude person who tries to shame you, ignore them at the time, and ghost them permanently.
There aren't all that many people like that in the world - the ignore/ghost strategy will make sure there are very few in your personal environment.

So true,
But learning to stop caring what others say is a learnt skill, takes time. For teens it's unrealistic expectstion.
But ye, can't make everybody happy you will find in the end to do what makes you happy so when all is forgotten, hold onto your true self

 

[vergil96]

If people can't think of anything better to talk about, they'll focus on differences.

It never crossed my mind tbh. Maybe that's true

But anyway, I think that in the case of thse people it was just curiousity.

If someone asks about something trivial (like your use of earphones) just answer them briefly. They'll accept your answer, and that will be that.
In this case, you just say you're sensitive to noise, so you use them to reduce the ambient noise levels. It's a complete answer - don't add anything.

Good idea, thank you.

It sounds like you're investing small things with far more weight than they deserve. Probably because you're (erroneously) reacting as though you're also the center of other people's universes.

There is no process behind it. I was made self conscious very often when growing up. Now nobody might pay attention and I even rationally know that certain behaviours are just... people talk whatever crosses their minds and then forget about it a minute later, that kind of thing. Nothing soecific behind it, they mind their own business, as you said. But there is something I have learnt in the past that minor mistakes or wrong impressions result in a catasrophe. I don't really want to bring up these experiences but I had experiemces like that.

But I have to live with the implications now and need to work through the feelings that result from them. One step at a time.

 

[Hypnalis]

@vergil96

Almost everyone is self-conscious to some degree, but more so during a period which (on aggregate) is relatively difficult for Aspies: the time when you begin to see the need for masking, and starting to learn how.

It would all be a lot easier if we could defer that until we are adult (25 or so), but the timing is beyond our control.

I'd say "just put the old memories behind you (or desensitize)", but it took me decades, so it wouldn't be honest of me
Best of luck with your process though!

On the self-improvement front, IMO Aspies should think of tuning their masks, social skills, and (where possible) mental states as adults the way "gym-rats" think of physical training ... hard work, slow progress, but improvement is steady and certain, and it can be directed towards specific objectives.

We're not obliged to settle for the crude initial version(s) that our younger selves improvised.

 

[vergil96]

Okay, problem more or less solved. I'm learning to be less concerned and when I'm not overwhelmed, it's much easier.

I'm going to suggest and organize a different not overwhelming activity when I'm done studying tbh. Because these friends give me meltdowns all the time, they choose environments with noise, flashing lights, swimming pools etc. I'm growing tired of it, meltdowns aren't fun. Luckily, they are understanding, though. Of meltdowns, wearing ear plugs and the such.