Last month my friend and I were on a trip together to another state. We had a pretty good trip, but I was feeling lonely on the trip because I never can find a relationship. And while on vacation I always see families and couples spending time together. So it is a continuous reminder of the intense emotional pain that I tend to lock in a closet because that is the only way I can fully function and take care of my adult responsibilities. This is easier to do when I am at home going about my daily life and other couples and families are not around me as much. I go on the dating apps sometimes while traveling just to see what the options are in a bigger city and in a warmer climate. I have come to discover that I would have so many more options in a bigger city and I tend to get some likes. This fact is just salt in the wound and has caused pain in that I probably would not still be single if I were living in a larger city. While on my trip I matched with a woman and we chatted a bit each day and on our last day there I invited her to do a walk in the downtown area that my friend and I were planning to do. She was hesitant to join because she did not want to intrude on our trip, but I told her that my friend did not care if she joined us. So we ended up meeting and we spend close to 3 hours walking and had a drink along the way. We had lots to talk about and I liked her from the start. I was more attracted to her in person than based on her profile photos and her personality was different than what I expected, but in a good way. I felt like we had chemistry and had a connection. My friend was helpful in keeping the conversation going when there were lulls. He is much better with the social communication than I am. At the end she gave both my friend and I a hug. My friend said that was a really good sign. Before we got back to our hotel, she sent me a message that even thought I was leaving to go home that she was happy that we met up. I responded that I enjoyed meeting her as well.
We continued to chat every day and she was talkative and showing plenty of interest in me. I was enjoying talking with her and it was a joy to get attention from someone I was actually interested in too. I was feeling less lonely. A week or two later she said I should come to see an event that was going on in the state NYE weekend. I asked whether that was an invitation for me to come visit her. She said maybe with an emoji as if being unsure as to what my thoughts were. We talked some more but I eventually agreed to come see her NYE weekend. My logical mind was pushing back at me thinking what is the point of going since she lives so far away. But it was an exciting opportunity and something that does not come around my way very often. I didn't know what to expect exactly but for a brief period a felt like I mattered in terms of being a potential mate. I asked if I would be staying at her place and she said yes, as long as I promised to be a gentleman.
When I arrived at the airport she came and picked me up. We went back to her apartment and she showed me around. It was very nice and in a great location downtown. She was working from home that day but we talked for a while since it did not seem like she had much work to do. I eventually laid down on her couch to take a nap since I had gotten up very early for the flight that morning and to let her work. I did not really fall asleep but rested a bit. When she was done working I got up and we decided to go for a walk and then just get some food. After we got some food, we sat and listened to someone who was singing and playing his guitar. While we were eating and afterwards I noticed she started seeming a bit distant and was looking more at the people outside and at the guitar player. She was cold so when we eventually walked back to her apartment I put my arm around her but she didn't seem that receptive to it so I backed off. She continued to seem a bit distant and I was not feeling the same connection. I slept on her couch that night. We continued to hang out the next few days but she continued to seem distant. She was less talkative but I did not know if that was because she was more of an introvert than I realized. At her apartment she always physically stayed separate and sat on a separate couch. Any attempts I made to get closer to her physically she did not seem to reciprocate. But we continued to hang out and talk a fair amount. She never asked me to go home early. But there didn't seem to be much of spark and I felt like I was the one bringing most of the energy. The last day we hung out and then she dropped me off at the airport. She gave me a hug and then I was off. We texted back and forth a few times while I was going home. The day after I go home I got a text from her in response to my text from the previous day. I responded. I have not heard from her since. Friday I sent her a text to see how her week was going. She has not yet responded a day later. It is hard for me to believe that she will just stop texting me after spending a long weekend with her. To ghost someone after that is plain cruel. Maybe she will still text me back but I am not hopeful.
I just don't know what I could have done wrong so early in the trip to make her pull back. Maybe she saw through my communication deficits. It may have been an unusual facial expression as I sometimes flash a big unusual smile and I don't realize it. I asked her one time on the trip if she was having fun and she said yes. Another time I asked her if she was glad I came to visit and she said yes. I suspect they may have both been lies.
Overall this is causing me great emotional pain. I still had some fun during the weekend as it was a new experience for me. It all seems a bit like a fantasy at this point as if it never even happened. I just feel like I always end up failing when it comes to relationships and have little hope for my future unless I settle for someone who I am not interested in.
As for next steps if any, do you suggest sending another text in a day or two to gain some clarification on her feelings? I am feeling extremely depressed and hopeless.
We continued to chat every day and she was talkative and showing plenty of interest in me. I was enjoying talking with her and it was a joy to get attention from someone I was actually interested in too. I was feeling less lonely. A week or two later she said I should come to see an event that was going on in the state NYE weekend. I asked whether that was an invitation for me to come visit her. She said maybe with an emoji as if being unsure as to what my thoughts were. We talked some more but I eventually agreed to come see her NYE weekend. My logical mind was pushing back at me thinking what is the point of going since she lives so far away. But it was an exciting opportunity and something that does not come around my way very often. I didn't know what to expect exactly but for a brief period a felt like I mattered in terms of being a potential mate. I asked if I would be staying at her place and she said yes, as long as I promised to be a gentleman.
When I arrived at the airport she came and picked me up. We went back to her apartment and she showed me around. It was very nice and in a great location downtown. She was working from home that day but we talked for a while since it did not seem like she had much work to do. I eventually laid down on her couch to take a nap since I had gotten up very early for the flight that morning and to let her work. I did not really fall asleep but rested a bit. When she was done working I got up and we decided to go for a walk and then just get some food. After we got some food, we sat and listened to someone who was singing and playing his guitar. While we were eating and afterwards I noticed she started seeming a bit distant and was looking more at the people outside and at the guitar player. She was cold so when we eventually walked back to her apartment I put my arm around her but she didn't seem that receptive to it so I backed off. She continued to seem a bit distant and I was not feeling the same connection. I slept on her couch that night. We continued to hang out the next few days but she continued to seem distant. She was less talkative but I did not know if that was because she was more of an introvert than I realized. At her apartment she always physically stayed separate and sat on a separate couch. Any attempts I made to get closer to her physically she did not seem to reciprocate. But we continued to hang out and talk a fair amount. She never asked me to go home early. But there didn't seem to be much of spark and I felt like I was the one bringing most of the energy. The last day we hung out and then she dropped me off at the airport. She gave me a hug and then I was off. We texted back and forth a few times while I was going home. The day after I go home I got a text from her in response to my text from the previous day. I responded. I have not heard from her since. Friday I sent her a text to see how her week was going. She has not yet responded a day later. It is hard for me to believe that she will just stop texting me after spending a long weekend with her. To ghost someone after that is plain cruel. Maybe she will still text me back but I am not hopeful.
I just don't know what I could have done wrong so early in the trip to make her pull back. Maybe she saw through my communication deficits. It may have been an unusual facial expression as I sometimes flash a big unusual smile and I don't realize it. I asked her one time on the trip if she was having fun and she said yes. Another time I asked her if she was glad I came to visit and she said yes. I suspect they may have both been lies.
Overall this is causing me great emotional pain. I still had some fun during the weekend as it was a new experience for me. It all seems a bit like a fantasy at this point as if it never even happened. I just feel like I always end up failing when it comes to relationships and have little hope for my future unless I settle for someone who I am not interested in.
As for next steps if any, do you suggest sending another text in a day or two to gain some clarification on her feelings? I am feeling extremely depressed and hopeless.
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