Anger Rumination

[Whoopsie]

Hey guys!

So not long ago I(33M) posted about coming here so I knew how to best support my significant other(29F) who is an aspie. We're currently in our second fight(3 months in), she has a lot of stressors going on but I think I've become the punching bag these past few days. I was very intentional and careful with the words I used but I let her know she did something that really hurt me the other night. Long story short, she invited me on a trip, i said id love to go, she looked at my calendar and saw i had something then took back the invite. I told her i was happy to cancel my plans for that and then she wanted to argue that i had plans and was uninvited. I get upset because she was telling me what I was and was not allowed to do and then when I said she isn't allowed to choose my priorities, she said "yes I do". I was careful to use "I feel" statements and give very specific examples of what caused the pain but it was almost like it was turned on its back and now I'm having to defend myself for being upset.

Now it feels like she's in a full blown rage cycle and she's trying to cause pain. I'm fairly secure in our relationship as when she's not like this, she let's me know how much she loves me and how thankful she is. She comments all the time how this is the most fulfilling relationship she's been in.

I guess I'm curious as to how I'm supposed to deal with this? What helps in situations like this cause I want to be there for her but even when I said "I just want you to know I love you, I'm not mad at you and im not going anywhere." It's still slammed with angry responses.

 

[thejuice]

Seems she just wants a fight, I'd withdraw for a bit

 

[Stuttermabolur]

Do you know if there are other stressors in her life? Or if there is a lot going on? I know I can get unreasonably upset when plans are changed or things are done "for me", even when everyone is doing it out of their own free will. I want to take as little space as possible in the life of others. It can also upset me when plans change, or I have a different picture of how things will go than the reality. I don't tend to get angry, but other stressors or burnout could be a factor in how she's reacting. I sometimes also have difficulties recognizing my own feelings, or how my actions are making others feel.

Like @thejuice says, I recommend giving her some space, even if it means not talking for a bit. Perhaps it would be easier to communicate through messages or letters so that everyone has time to process their feelings and formulate a response when under less pressure. Relationships between people of different neurotypes are difficult, and this is still a recent partnership. I wish you both the best of luck.

 

[The Pandector]

Give her space but stand your ground. If she persists in standing by statements like she controls your social calendar, she needs to be reminded that reality is a thing. Autistic or not, using anger to enforce ridiculous controls is a large red flag. However lovingly you take your stand, do both of you a favor by not allowing that tactic to take root. An autistic person absolutely needs to recognize when they have stepped out of bounds and acknowledge it; it’s part of the process of learning not to repeat the behavior, even if learning takes years.

 

[Neri]

Where is she at in her cycle? Sometimes, in the week or so leading up to getting our period, or even during our period, we can get very irrationally emotional and grumpy. It's a hormonal thing.

 

[The Pandector]

Where is she at in her cycle? Sometimes, in the week or so leading up to getting our period, or even during our period, we can get very irrationally emotional and grumpy. It's a hormonal thing.

Interesting theory, that. I think I can dig up some supporting data…

 

[Hypnalis]

@Whoopsie

There's an odd undertone to your description of what happened.
This isn't it, but it's part of it:

I said she isn't allowed to choose my priorities

BTW I I understand why you were upset - this is about what you said in the moment.

It's not the ideal way to deal with this:

I get upset because she was telling me what I was and was not allowed to do

This is a "both right and wrong" state. Not a time to react emotionally.

 

[Tom]

What you describe doesn't sound like an autistic thing. That's not typical for us. It's a difficult behavior, but I would guess it's something else going on or some personality trait. I am not familiar with physcology (I can't even spell it most of the time) so I don't know what it might be. Whatever it is however may also have an autistic spin on it in addition.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

I agree with Tom. While changes in plans can be difficult for aspies to process, what you have experienced sounds more like a psychiatric problem.

While aspies may have trouble recognizing their own emotions and that of others, it seems an unlikely aspie trait to try to control a partner.

 

[ra49]

She may be like me with a stack of acronyms piled on, different buttons pushed in different situations?

Still, emotional, verbal, or physical abuse are never acceptable in either direction.

When I am too emotional, I step out and write it out until it makes sense to me, then a clean copy for my mechanical engineer to read, then we discuss.

Neri had a good point, tho - back in those days, if I was navigating with a paper map, I would have to rotate it in my lap to match 5he direction we were traveling. On ordinary days, map stayed regular upright