An unnatural smile

[Mary Terry]

Street its always in a private setting... I wish it was illegal ... : )

For instance...
Yesterday... Another birthday (my father-in-law)... 4 freaking weekends in a row we have had to celebrate birthdays... I dislike this (even for my own). I try to always go off by myself on my birthday - thats my birthday present, to be left alone.

Yesterday, the whole time... 10 people were filming or taking pictures... While we were eating, when they opened presents, and anything else possible... Everyone was eating it up except me, and I actually got slightly pissed off and left very early before everyone else, but then again I tend to do that a lot.

Its just too much... To try and eat and listen to all these people and have someone say, "smile, look at me like you care, try and pretend you like it!"... All I wanted to do was flip one specific person off, and call her a really bad name. This person KNOWS this bothers me deeply, and she was trying her best to make me be ugly in front of her family... For those of you who know me, you can guess easily who this person is...

So I'm supposed to look like I am in a good mood when inside I want to choke the living s--t out of someone, only to hear, "you always look so angry." Well maybe its because I'm not a fake and I really am angry and pissed off... because you won't leave me alone...grrrrrrrr

I'm better now... : )

I'm surprised to learn that you are attending parties with your wife and her family. You posted just the other day that she is a horrible person, that you were separating from her, and you solicited opinions from NT women about various aspects of their living with autistic spouses. Maybe your wife wanted a decent photo of you for your son so when you do leave, he will have a photograph of you to remember you by, rather than her trying to make you "be ugly in front of her family".

 

[onlything]

Street its always in a private setting... I wish it was illegal ... : )

For instance...
Yesterday... Another birthday (my father-in-law)... 4 freaking weekends in a row we have had to celebrate birthdays... I dislike this (even for my own). I try to always go off by myself on my birthday - thats my birthday present, to be left alone.

Yesterday, the whole time... 10 people were filming or taking pictures... While we were eating, when they opened presents, and anything else possible... Everyone was eating it up except me, and I actually got slightly pissed off and left very early before everyone else, but then again I tend to do that a lot.

Its just too much... To try and eat and listen to all these people and have someone say, "smile, look at me like you care, try and pretend you like it!"... All I wanted to do was flip one specific person off, and call her a really bad name. This person KNOWS this bothers me deeply, and she was trying her best to make me be ugly in front of her family... For those of you who know me, you can guess easily who this person is...

So I'm supposed to look like I am in a good mood when inside I want to choke the living s--t out of someone, only to hear, "you always look so angry." Well maybe its because I'm not a fake and I really am angry and pissed off... because you won't leave me alone...grrrrrrrr

I'm better now... : )

Ugh, I hate birthdays, especially many birthdays in a row. I'd gladly spend my own just sitting on a couch and reading a book with people I care about going about their business as always. I care about my people, obviously, but I can't help running away to my quiet place every time we meet. Too many things happening, just like you said.

[And if I had to pose to so many photos I would probably never show up, honestly.]

Talking about this person... How are you doing, @Chance ?

 

[onlything]

I'm surprised to learn that you are attending parties with your wife and her family. You posted just the other day that she is a horrible person, that you were separating from her, and you solicited opinions from NT women about various aspects of their living with autistic spouses. Maybe your wife wanted a decent photo of you for your son so when you do leave, he will have a photograph of you to remember you by, rather than her trying to make you "be ugly in front of her family".

Why would his son need a photo to remember his dad by if he's still able to see his dad? It's not like @Chance is leaving him.

 

[Chance]

I'm surprised to learn that you are attending parties with your wife and her family. You posted just the other day that she is a horrible person, that you were separating from her, and you solicited opinions from NT women about various aspects of their living with autistic spouses. Maybe your wife wanted a decent photo of you for your son so when you do leave, he will have a photograph of you to remember you by, rather than her trying to make you "be ugly in front of her family".

I'm trying to not be the horrible person... I went on my own and left on my own.
Yes, its basically over... but at the same time its not something out in the open yet...
I was trying to not be the bad guy, for not going to this...

I think its called "stuck in a rock and a hard place" and not wanting to give her fuel to make things even worse. This isn't easy for me, nor is it what I want... I'm dealing with a very angry bitter person who cant seem to share any blame for the countless travesties in her spoiled rotten life.

I'm just trying to be the best I can be in not a good situation, not even sure I'm doing the right thing at any given point. I don't seem to be able to do a lot right sometimes, but I do try. : )

 

[Mary Terry]

I'm trying to not be the horrible person... I went on my own and left on my own.
Yes, its basically over... but at the same time its not something out in the open yet...
I was trying to not be the bad guy, for not going to this...

I think its called "stuck in a rock and a hard place" and not wanting to give her fuel to make things even worse. This isn't easy for me, nor is it what I want... I'm dealing with a very angry bitter person who cant seem to share any blame for the countless travesties in her spoiled rotten life.

I'm just trying to be the best I can be in not a good situation, not even sure I'm doing the right thing at any given point. I don't seem to be able to do a lot right sometimes, but I do try. : )[/QUOTE

I'm familiar with that feeling of being stuck between a rock and a hard place. If your married life is intolerable and you really want a divorce, then you need to level with her, the sooner the better. If you are unhappy, then in all likelihood she is also unhappy. If she refuses to attend marriage counseling with you to improve your marriage, then maybe she'll agree to divorce counseling with you in order to end your marriage with as little trauma, drama and animosity as possible for all concerned. It would be good if she and you could work out divorce settlement terms such as child custody and visitation, child support and other financial issues rather than leaving those matters to a divorce court judge.

Good luck as you sort all this out.

 

[Amy Susan Rose]

Expression of an imp? Now what the heck does it even mean? Aren't imps like some little fantastic creatures? Like those from Heroes Might and Magic game.

something slightly angry- impish is like a naughty child ,mischievous sprite.

No, I think he meant something from folklore such as a mischievous sprite. I was hell on wheels from the get-go; and a strange one at that: "a small or elusive supernatural being, an elf or pixie." Of course I preferred to be alone and spent much time in the woods surrounding our cabin growing up, and of course I prefer animals and do communicate with them. I am also an Empath. And yes, still crazy after all these years (this old Simon and Garfunkel song was running through my head yesterday for some reason)!

[/QUOTE]

 

[Chance]

Ugh, I hate birthdays, especially many birthdays in a row. I'd gladly spend my own just sitting on a couch and reading a book with people I care about going about their business as always. I care about my people, obviously, but I can't help running away to my quiet place every time we meet. Too many things happening, just like you said.

[And if I had to pose to so many photos I would probably never show up, honestly.]

Talking about this person... How are you doing, @Chance ?

I'm good... I'm just trying to do what's right but nothing feels right... All is going to be okay

My transfer was approved but it's conditional ... I'm 4th in line, not a problem. I wasn't expecting a miracle
Plus I have lots to work out here, so that's actually a good thing. Tense but all will be okay. I have to believe that...

Thanks you for checking up on me, not real used to that... : )

 

[Amy Susan Rose]

Umm, that picture above turned out way too big. Sorry, couldn't get the thumbnail

 

[Chance]

No, I think he meant something from folklore such as a mischievous sprite. I was hell on wheels from the get-go; and a strange one at that: "a small or elusive supernatural being, an elf or pixie." Of course I preferred to be alone and spent much time in the woods surrounding our cabin growing up, and of course I prefer animals and do communicate with them. I am also an Empath. And yes, still crazy after all these years (this old Simon and Garfunkel song was running through my head yesterday for some reason)!View attachment 38590

[/QUOTE]

I don't think it looks unnatural, but I think that is part of the very problem being discussed... : )

 

[dragoncat16]

I can only smile if I'm actually happy. If I try to fake smile I look ridiculous. I don't ever show my teeth when I smile. That would be way too much.

Why's it so important to other people that I smile anyway? So I look happy? Why should I put effort into looking happy if I'm not actually happy? To make other people happy? I don't get it. Is that the only thing that's important, making others happy? If that were the case, then why don't they try to make me genuinely happy, instead of harassing me because I'm not smiling? They just want to feel better about themselves, not to make me feel better.

I will never understand NTs. But, you know what? I think I actually do understand them. They are constantly seeking happiness and contentment for themselves. If everyone's smiling around them, then they are happy, even if the smilers aren't actually happy. Personally, I'd prefer that someone else is happy and not smiling, rather than unhappy and fake smiling.

Does that make me a better person? Of course not, because I'm not smiling all the time. Arrgh.

 

[Streetwise]

I can only smile if I'm actually happy. If I try to fake smile I look ridiculous. I don't ever show my teeth when I smile. That would be way too much.

Why's it so important to other people that I smile anyway? So I look happy? Why should I put effort into looking happy if I'm not actually happy? To make other people happy? I don't get it. Is that the only thing that's important, making others happy? If that were the case, then why don't they try to make me genuinely happy, instead of harassing me because I'm not smiling? They just want to feel better about themselves, not to make me feel better.

I will never understand NTs. But, you know what? I think I actually do understand them. They are constantly seeking happiness and contentment for themselves. If everyone's smiling around them, then they are happy, even if the smilers aren't actually happy. Personally, I'd prefer that someone else is happy and not smiling, rather than unhappy and fake smiling.

Does that make me a better person? Of course not, because I'm not smiling all the time.

Arrgh.

we have a saying in northern england dont let the b*****ds grind you down

 

[dragoncat16]

No, I think he meant something from folklore such as a mischievous sprite. I was hell on wheels from the get-go; and a strange one at that: "a small or elusive supernatural being, an elf or pixie." Of course I preferred to be alone and spent much time in the woods surrounding our cabin growing up, and of course I prefer animals and do communicate with them. I am also an Empath. And yes, still crazy after all these years (this old Simon and Garfunkel song was running through my head yesterday for some reason)

I don't get what's wrong with that smile. You look like a sweet little girl. I wish I could smile like that. It's like the Mona Lisa, and everyone says that she's got such a great smile, or are they being sarcastic when they say that? When I was around that age I put my top and bottom teeth together and looked a little demented, because I thought that's what smiles were supposed to be, but it was cute cause I was a little kid. Oh, and I was even sort of happy when I was a kid.

 

[Amy Susan Rose]

I don't ever show my teeth when I smile. That would be way too much.

Thank you Chance and dragoncat16. I just never got into the big toothy smile and as I grew older sometimes I think my smile looks more like a grimace rather than a smile. But that's my take, and as an Aspie no one can convince me otherwise.

 

[Chance]

I can only smile if I'm actually happy. If I try to fake smile I look ridiculous. I don't ever show my teeth when I smile. That would be way too much.

Why's it so important to other people that I smile anyway? So I look happy? Why should I put effort into looking happy if I'm not actually happy? To make other people happy? I don't get it. Is that the only thing that's important, making others happy? If that were the case, then why don't they try to make me genuinely happy, instead of harassing me because I'm not smiling? They just want to feel better about themselves, not to make me feel better.

I will never understand NTs. But, you know what? I think I actually do understand them. They are constantly seeking happiness and contentment for themselves. If everyone's smiling around them, then they are happy, even if the smilers aren't actually happy. Personally, I'd prefer that someone else is happy and not smiling, rather than unhappy and fake smiling.

Does that make me a better person? Of course not, because I'm not smiling all the time. Arrgh.

Many times what makes me smile is to just let me be MYSELF... Its all I ever want anyway, then I'm not upset or pretending - so the default would be... a simple smile : )

 

[Streetwise]

No, I think he meant something from folklore such as a mischievous sprite. I was hell on wheels from the get-go; and a strange one at that: "a small or elusive supernatural being, an elf or pixie." Of course I preferred to be alone and spent much time in the woods surrounding our cabin growing up, and of course I prefer animals and do communicate with them. I am also an Empath. And yes, still crazy after all these years (this old Simon and Garfunkel song was running through my head yesterday for some reason)!View attachment 38590

[/QUOTE]
I think frankly he has mental illness,it looks like a sane person smiling
maybe it's because you weren't grinning inanely.

 

[Amy Susan Rose]

I think frankly he has mental illness,it looks like a sane person smiling
maybe it's because you weren't grinning inanely.

Actually he was one of the finest NT's I have ever met. This occurred a few decades ago and I spent much of my time then in a world of fantasy due to a dysfunctional family life. This was during the 70's before the term Aspergers was coined and my parents certainly knew how different I was; barely spoke, stiming, isolating myself, etc, however, they were of the mindset that anything they regarded as "mental" couldn't happen in their family. They were definitely in denial. Although their behaviors towards me had me convinced I was insane; talk about gaslighting. I was practically treated as if I was possessed. I stopped going to school and no one gave a damn. Things were very different back then. Who could blame me from retreating from reality? My only reality were books, writing, and music. In fact, when going to this therapist (who I didn't dare speak of to my parents for they would have flipped--my high school counselor at the time arranged for me to be seen by him at the local mental health clinic) I could barely verbally communicate so I would write a journal and bring it in every week. Life was tough; decades prior they probably would have secluded me in the attic! I thank goodness for books and music and of course my wild imagination which at times (as I have seen in numerous pictures and slides) caused me to look as if I was in my own private mental "happy place." That was how I survived. And it was a skewed smile of sorts, one that I observed at times that made people take a second look.

 

[Streetwise]

Actually he was one of the finest NT's I have ever met. This occurred a few decades ago and I spent much of my time then in a world of fantasy due to a dysfunctional family life. This was during the 70's before the term Aspergers was coined and my parents certainly knew how different I was; barely spoke, stiming, isolating myself, etc, however, they were of the mindset that anything they regarded as "mental" couldn't happen in their family. They were definitely in denial. Although their behaviors towards me had me convinced I was insane; talk about gaslighting. I was practically treated as if I was possessed. I stopped going to school and no one gave a damn. Things were very different back then. Who could blame me from retreating from reality? My only reality were books, writing, and music. In fact, when going to this therapist (who I didn't dare speak of to my parents for they would have flipped--my high school counselor at the time arranged for me to be seen by him at the local mental health clinic) I could barely verbally communicate so I would write a journal and bring it in every week. Life was tough; decades prior they probably would have secluded me in the attic! I thank goodness for books and music and of course my wild imagination which at times (as I have seen in numerous pictures and slides) caused me to look as if I was in my own private mental "happy place." That was how I survived. And it was a skewed smile of sorts, one that I observed at times that made people take a second look.

maybe because I am on the autism spectrum that is look normal to me

 

[onlything]

Many times what makes me smile is to just let me be MYSELF... Its all I ever want anyway, then I'm not upset or pretending - so the default would be... a simple smile : )

As a kid, I was always the 'either moving weirdly or sitting still' kind. My only smile was when I was 'moving weirdly'. Kick a leg this way, second leg that way, do a spin, wave your hands chaotically. This kind. It still makes me smile or even laugh sometimes - this small little 'dance' of being myself.

People teach you it's 'weird' and you shouldn't do it. But people doesn't want you to be happy - they want to be happy only themselves in their little bubble of 'normalcy'.

 

[onlything]

Actually he was one of the finest NT's I have ever met. This occurred a few decades ago and I spent much of my time then in a world of fantasy due to a dysfunctional family life. This was during the 70's before the term Aspergers was coined and my parents certainly knew how different I was; barely spoke, stiming, isolating myself, etc, however, they were of the mindset that anything they regarded as "mental" couldn't happen in their family. They were definitely in denial. Although their behaviors towards me had me convinced I was insane; talk about gaslighting. I was practically treated as if I was possessed. I stopped going to school and no one gave a damn. Things were very different back then. Who could blame me from retreating from reality? My only reality were books, writing, and music. In fact, when going to this therapist (who I didn't dare speak of to my parents for they would have flipped--my high school counselor at the time arranged for me to be seen by him at the local mental health clinic) I could barely verbally communicate so I would write a journal and bring it in every week. Life was tough; decades prior they probably would have secluded me in the attic! I thank goodness for books and music and of course my wild imagination which at times (as I have seen in numerous pictures and slides) caused me to look as if I was in my own private mental "happy place." That was how I survived. And it was a skewed smile of sorts, one that I observed at times that made people take a second look.

I used to do the same. Still do at times. My counsellor calls it 'dissociation'. I call it 'going to a safe place'.

I hate especially two words with passion. 'Normal' and 'mental'. Oh, maybe also a 'freak'.

 

[Chance]

Actually he was one of the finest NT's I have ever met. This occurred a few decades ago and I spent much of my time then in a world of fantasy due to a dysfunctional family life. This was during the 70's before the term Aspergers was coined and my parents certainly knew how different I was; barely spoke, stiming, isolating myself, etc, however, they were of the mindset that anything they regarded as "mental" couldn't happen in their family. They were definitely in denial. Although their behaviors towards me had me convinced I was insane; talk about gaslighting. I was practically treated as if I was possessed. I stopped going to school and no one gave a damn. Things were very different back then. Who could blame me from retreating from reality? My only reality were books, writing, and music. In fact, when going to this therapist (who I didn't dare speak of to my parents for they would have flipped--my high school counselor at the time arranged for me to be seen by him at the local mental health clinic) I could barely verbally communicate so I would write a journal and bring it in every week. Life was tough; decades prior they probably would have secluded me in the attic! I thank goodness for books and music and of course my wild imagination which at times (as I have seen in numerous pictures and slides) caused me to look as if I was in my own private mental "happy place." That was how I survived. And it was a skewed smile of sorts, one that I observed at times that made people take a second look.

Until I came on here I didn't have much of a database on how other people with AS/ASD were treated...
I basically only had my own experiences to not try and reflect on. I just have this deep gut feeling that there is something nearly animal like about how "normal" people treat people with AS/ASD.

Its like when a cat or a dog has a litter of babies and there is that one weak one... They often either kill it, let it die on its own, or treat it worse to see if it can survive. In some sick way I see people in my life (and now the lives of many others) who do the same thing. We don't fit this fold of normalcy that everyone else seems to just fall right into so we are shunned, ignored, forced to act in certain ways, and in many cases deeply abused... How (on any planet) is that going to make us better?

What does it do to a dog to beat him until he obeys a person?
Most will succumb and obey, but that dog is crushed and afraid his whole life.
He is forced into loyalty and obedience, or punished. That becomes the dogs normal way of life.

I can just look at how a dog acts and I know if he has been beat. Sometimes it makes me sick to reach up and want to pet a dog and I notice him wince or nearly cower... You can see he wants to be loved and accepted but you see his fear of your hand first... At that moment me and that dog are no different.

Most abused animals have this unsure look in their eyes, they don't walk confidently, and any sudden movement and they crumble... Lots of times people with ASD or PTSD do the same things because it was beat into us to respond in a way that was never natural to us.

All this was done simply because we were not enough, we didn't make someone happy, we were an embarrassment, flawed, less than expected and a lot of extra trouble... So for us to walk around confident, smiling, looking people in the eye, and being a bubbly overflowing glass of high spirits... Thats sort of like expecting the sun to come up in the west tomorrow.

Then to cover their own guilt... Often these "normal" people find reasons as to why we are different, only to justify their prior actions to us, that worsened the problem - and call themselves normal, and experts...
It makes me want to puke, but not SMILE???? Not so much.

I'm so sorry you were treated this way... I do know how it feels to not be wanted, to actually be hated and abandoned, but at least we did make it through. NOW we just become more than they ever can be... : )