Almost 30 and have never had a romantic relationship. Should I just give up?

[mw2530]

I feel for you. I will be 30 in a few months and have never really dated anyone. It is demoralizing to say the least. Although I think it is better to be single than involved in a toxic relationship. The thing the kills me the most is never even experiencing what it feels like to be in love! Regardless on how it turns out in the long run. Internet dating may work, but it is much easier for women in my opinion. I have had no success on them and am probably wasting my money. I have concern that the inexperience will be a big obstacle. But I would hope that someone who really liked you could look past this. I think there is hope.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

I hope you didn't think I was getting snarky I know that everyone on here is sharp and specific, so I guess it's not about what anyone here is saying, but that overall tendency to make people need relationships. Yes, I ache for one, because it seems to be a natural thing, but it's so not a given.......and when it's not a given and people keep telling you it is, it's just like salt in a wound-----for a while, but then you give up and turn to other things.......I won't be pining away for a relationship .

It depends on how bad one wants or needs a relationship whether they should put forth more efforts. If one can be happy in life on their own, or be content with who they are without another, there is no saying one has to change at all in any way. Maybe luck will happen one day, and that person meet someone great. There are persons like I and my wife that did not run away from each other, when we appeared so different from each other.

But, in my case, I was not about to wait longer than many years of life alone to head in the right direction. There was no such luck that was occurring, and after self-analysis and analyzing what I wanted and needed in life, I determined I needed to try to have another in my life to share life with, with a desire they grow with me too and experience life in other and more fulfilling ways. Once I decided on that path, I knew I had to create more opportunities and make lots more efforts.

This is because I felt from my late teens to late twenties I basically had given up and said, "Why even spend those efforts to make me more presentable, less anxious and more social and confident, as it could be useless and lead to nowhere, and as my time could be spent elsewhere?" I felt later though that attitude was a recipe for less happiness or more failure. "Why should others love me and give efforts to me, if I did not love myself and if I had an "accept me as I am attitude," I thought. Life is about growth and change.

So, one day after living alone for about ten years my attitude started to evolve for the better, as I determined I did not want to change those ways to necessarily get into a relationship, but to change those ways so as I felt better about myself, and to see persons and issues in a more positive light, or to at least focus my mind away from negative thoughts so as daily I had less stress and depression. And then I felt I could think clearer what I wanted and needed in life.

I did not want to walk around blaming others, events and the world for my problems as that is wasted energy, even if some or much of that was the truth, and I did not want persons, events and unexpected circumstances define how I felt and thought those moments. I wanted to be in control of my life, and not to let life control me. By changing, I did not want to change much or the fabric of my being, but to live a more comfortable life, regardless if I dated or was in a relationship or not.

You had said in another post, happy relationships are luck, and you pointed out all those marriage failures so why try. I disagree. I feel we also make our own luck in this world by putting forth more efforts, and by being seen and heard more. When we stay hidden, or appear hesitant or voiceless, or appear or feel weaker, we will have less opportunities. When we put ourselves out there and show others our good through our efforts, more opportunities and good things can happen.

Of course, there will be lucky breaks in life, but more of those will occur when we are in a better frame of mind and have better attitude. If we avoid things because of anxiety, depression and fear, or feel pessimistic in life, we will instinctively want to be in those dark places or not try new and uncomfortable things, and we will repel others. Whether this is fair or not, most persons are not attracted to persons with less confidence combined with many issues. If one has confidence, issues though may at times be ok.

The reason why so many relationships fail I feel is because after they make those initial efforts one or both gets too comfortable in the relationship, after they put their best foot forward by being their best early on, so maybe they learn more about that other as time goes on, that was more hidden or cute at the onset, but those habits or traits become more annoying or difficult to deal with as time moves on, or they find out they want or need more.

But, lots of successful relationships occur not because of luck. There may not have been an attraction at first, and negative evaluation towards the other may have occurred early on, yet somehow things worked out, through both of each others' patience or efforts as they saw something good. Not everyone in this society requires perfection or the perfect fit. What many require though is a good attitude, and one giving reasonable efforts to the other, if they are doing the same.

Again, for those who do not want to change at all, not even for themselves, do not. In a way, that is admirable, and that is their choice, regardless of condition, as most of us all have the ability to change in some meaningful way to feel or be more functional in life. For those persons who are content or happy as they are or want to avoid all that effort and hassle, as there is less benefit and more stress or no guarantees, live life to your fullest that way. In my case, I needed more.

i needed to be my best for myself, and if someone by chance or my great efforts loved that, that was great. But, if I still was alone despite all that self-help, I felt I still would be happy, as I would worry less, be more positive, and be more functional in more places. That gave me hope, and it gave me even more goals and dreams. For those who have less hope, goals or dreams because of a belief things cannot be achieved, or because things are too bleak, to me that would seem like surviving and not living.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

You seem to be making the assumption I have NOT done all that you have done, that somehow YOU worked harder, planned better, made choices I did not. It may surprise you that there are others out there who have done ALL YOU HAVE DONE and more and yet.......alone. So bask in your luck, but stop acting like you have somehow exceeded others' moral aptitude, that we are all moping about blaming everyone else. Eeeeesh

I based my reply using your own words based on what you said. Do not blame me if you did not articulate that. No need to get sensitive, as my reply was not offensive in any way. If anyone should be offended it should be anyone who took your suggestion to give up to heart. Everyone will make their own decision there.

 

[tree]

OP's topic concerns the experiences of others in the area of romance.

This does not include criticisms of other member's personal experience.

 

[OkRad]

Good call, Tree. Life is hard enough offline. No one needs to be criticized online.

 

[tree]

This thread is for the consideration of people's hopes and
experiences in the romance department.

This thread is not an arena for personal bickering.

 

[Keigan]

Our views and experiences on both friendships and relationships are tender and important. Why, because they are so precious and rare - we want to be and feel connected.

Each one of us approaches our relationships differently, and we seek different things from the relationships. The best we can do is to be open to the experiences of others, as that might broaden our considerations beyond our routine and structure - which could help to make our efforts more successful.

From my experience, I focus on myself with the openness towards being approachable by others. Through my approach i’m happy with who I am and that is recognized by others, making me attractive to others. Also my self-confidence has presence without being obnoctious, I still trip over my toungue frequently.

 

[Beguiling Orbit]

Have you ever tried dating another Aspie? I didn't find the love of my life until I was 51, right after I discovered that I'm an Aspie. I met her on aspeiology.com (it closed down just last week, I'm sad to report) and we knew almost from the first moment that we belong together. The relationship progressed almost exactly as described on this blog post by fellow Aspie Samantha Craft. From my own experience, I'm firmly convinced that Aspie-Aspie relationships have a better chance of succeeding than Aspie-NT ones (although I have heard of successful Aspie-NT relationships).

Success in relationships doesn't require giving 50%-50%. It requires giving 100%-100%. You both have to give all for it to succeed. Until you're ready to do that, don't even try. My wife and I do that, and have been married for 7 months now. I see a lifetime of happiness ahead for both of us.

I hope you don't have to wait another quarter century to find your match, but there's plenty of time so hang in there. I can't vouch for any other Aspie dating sites, but there are some still out there. You might try some of them.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

Have you ever tried dating another Aspie? I didn't find the love of my life until I was 51, right after I discovered that I'm an Aspie. I met her on aspeiology.com (it closed down just last week, I'm sad to report) and we knew almost from the first moment that we belong together. The relationship progressed almost exactly as described on this blog post by fellow Aspie Samantha Craft. From my own experience, I'm firmly convinced that Aspie-Aspie relationships have a better chance of succeeding than Aspie-NT ones (although I have heard of successful Aspie-NT relationships).

Success in relationships doesn't require giving 50%-50%. It requires giving 100%-100%. You both have to give all for it to succeed. Until you're ready to do that, don't even try. My wife and I do that, and have been married for 7 months now. I see a lifetime of happiness ahead for both of us.

I hope you don't have to wait another quarter century to find your match, but there's plenty of time so hang in there. I can't vouch for any other Aspie dating sites, but there are some still out there. You might try some of them.

I was wondering the same, regarding whether Aspies-Aspies or Aspies-Nts would more apt to work out. Personally, my opinion would be Aspies-Aspies, too. I just think they might accept that uniqueness factor with each other better, whereas the NTs-Aspies often could conflict, and as seen in this forum where it often is very difficult to work such relationship issues out.

I agree that it takes a lot of effort like that. I am often drained by days end from giving so much. So, I admit I do see benefits for those who want to stay alone versus those who hope for a relationship one day. I experienced both of them long term, and saw the great, good and difficult times with both. I do not regret my decision at all, as I am happy with my wife, but I would have found happiness on my own, too.

 

[Pariah Dog]

There is a lot of good wisdom on here. I empathize with the OP and know that hopeless feeling. And I like OKRad's logic on the matter.

I thought I would probably be alone the rest of my life and probably not even date again and I was at peace with that. However last night I went on a date with a BEAUTIFUL lady who I never imagined would have even been interested in talking to me if I had just seen her in public.

I met her on the job, I was repairing the toilet and heating system in her apartment. Conversation between us happened strangely easily (usually women are inclined to avoid/ignore me). From my peripheral vision I noticed her watching me and smiling most of the time I was there. I suppose hitting the gym is now paying off. Looking around her apartment it seemed to me a safe bet that she was single. I asked just that and if I could have her number and call her sometime. The date went very well and we had a ton of fun and always had something to talk about the whole way through. Besides her looks she's very intelligent (which allows her to grasp my unusual humor where most wouldn't) (and she's a doctor), very down to earth and seems to have no interest in superficial or shallow things, she's very nice and just a lot of fun to be with. I am intrigued as to why she isn't taken and latched down already. She wants to see me again next week.

So you never know. This could happen to you. It's certainly shaken up my idea of what is possible or even probable.

 

[megacomic]

Have you ever tried dating another Aspie? I didn't find the love of my life until I was 51, right after I discovered that I'm an Aspie. I met her on aspeiology.com (it closed down just last week, I'm sad to report) and we knew almost from the first moment that we belong together. The relationship progressed almost exactly as described on this blog post by fellow Aspie Samantha Craft. From my own experience, I'm firmly convinced that Aspie-Aspie relationships have a better chance of succeeding than Aspie-NT ones (although I have heard of successful Aspie-NT relationships).

Success in relationships doesn't require giving 50%-50%. It requires giving 100%-100%. You both have to give all for it to succeed. Until you're ready to do that, don't even try. My wife and I do that, and have been married for 7 months now. I see a lifetime of happiness ahead for both of us.

I hope you don't have to wait another quarter century to find your match, but there's plenty of time so hang in there. I can't vouch for any other Aspie dating sites, but there are some still out there. You might try some of them.

I don't know any female Aspies unfortunately. I wish I did. I'm the only Aspie person in many of the group settings I'm forced to be apart of which leads to ostracization, even at my church. Even my NT friends tend to not understand me most of the time.

 

[Pariah Dog]

I would like to suggest something else to the op. I'm not certain what kind of physical condition you are in. However if you are not in decent shape consider joining a gym. Being in better shape will move you up from your current position on the attractiveness scale. It has the side effect of also improving confidence which further moves up overall attractiveness.

Some might say that physical shape doesn't matter. It's whats inside that counts. Now of course what's inside that counts most. But what's outside is always going to count for something to another person to some degree no matter who you are. I think it would be safe to say that nearly everyone would enjoy the sight of beach or underwear models (of the sex of your choice) to some degree or another virtually no matter who you are. There may few a small number of exceptions, such as 100% asexual people, perhaps some number of people with gender identity issues. Now imagine those models were 200 lbs overweight, suddenly nearly no one would want to look (of course a few exceptions). My point being, even the deepest most thoughtful, nicest, loving, genuine person is going to be influenced by physical appearance even if by only a small amount. It's just human nature that polite society can never entirely crush.

Being more physically attractive may grab a girls attention long enough to get to know you as a person and maybe be attracted to who you are (or maybe not, you can't win them all). As you said maybe some girls have been interested and you didn't catch on. If you are more physically attractive, an interested girl will tend to be less subtle about it, and probably more patient.

So unless you're already ripped. I'd say hit the gym. An honest weight training routine 5 days a week with a healthy eating diet to match. If a person rigidly sticks to that you would be amazed at the visible difference in just one month. Then it becomes encouraging and you think "Imagine how I'll look after another month, then the month after that, and after that...etc." The feeling of accomplishment of improving at the gym makes you feel better as well. I used to think the idea of dead lifting 225 lbs off the floor was a lot, now that is no big deal for me. Even the idea of being able to pick up so much more than my own body weight is a driving force. I realize it's not that impressive compared to some but it's far from where I started. Other things like hair can make a difference. Clothes that look decent and compliment the body. Advice could be found from someone who knows more of such style things.

 

[mw2530]

I would like to suggest something else to the op. I'm not certain what kind of physical condition you are in. However if you are not in decent shape consider joining a gym. Being in better shape will move you up from your current position on the attractiveness scale. It has the side effect of also improving confidence which further moves up overall attractiveness.

Some might say that physical shape doesn't matter. It's whats inside that counts. Now of course what's inside that counts most. But what's outside is always going to count for something to another person to some degree no matter who you are. I think it would be safe to say that nearly everyone would enjoy the sight of beach or underwear models (of the sex of your choice) to some degree or another virtually no matter who you are. There may few a small number of exceptions, such as 100% asexual people, perhaps some number of people with gender identity issues. Now imagine those models were 200 lbs overweight, suddenly nearly no one would want to look (of course a few exceptions). My point being, even the deepest most thoughtful, nicest, loving, genuine person is going to be influenced by physical appearance even if by only a small amount. It's just human nature that polite society can never entirely crush.

Being more physically attractive may grab a girls attention long enough to get to know you as a person and maybe be attracted to who you are (or maybe not, you can't win them all). As you said maybe some girls have been interested and you didn't catch on. If you are more physically attractive, an interested girl will tend to be less subtle about it, and probably more patient.

So unless you're already ripped. I'd say hit the gym. An honest weight training routine 5 days a week with a healthy eating diet to match. If a person rigidly sticks to that you would be amazed at the visible difference in just one month. Then it becomes encouraging and you think "Imagine how I'll look after another month, then the month after that, and after that...etc." The feeling of accomplishment of improving at the gym makes you feel better as well. I used to think the idea of dead lifting 225 lbs off the floor was a lot, now that is no big deal for me. Even the idea of being able to pick up so much more than my own body weight is a driving force. I realize it's not that impressive compared to some but it's far from where I started. Other things like hair can make a difference. Clothes that look decent and compliment the body. Advice could be found from someone who knows more of such style things.

You make a valid point. I myself would not be able to date someone who I wasn't physically attracted to. That's not being superficial, that is just biology. Weight lifting is a great way to get in shape. If that isn't for the OP, there are many other options. Cardio is good. Do something that you like so that you will stick with it. You don't necessarily need to get super strong or bulky. Simply being fit is attractive.

 

[Pariah Dog]

I'd also like to tack on here how it annoys me how society expects women to be slim and in shape but it is much less expected of men. I have often worked with guys who they themselves maybe need to loose 80 lbs and then ridicule a woman for being overweight, especially if she is less over weight than he is. Or a guy who bitches he can't get an attractive girl yet he looks like the Michelin man. Makes me wonder if those kind of guys ever take a look in a mirror.

That said I also don't approve of the other side of the coin either. The fat acceptance warriors I think I'll call them or the way some terms of appearance have become so bastardized. Especially when used on dating websites.
For example.

"A few extra pounds" This would logically mean somewhat over optimal weight. 180 extra pounds over optimal is NOT "a few extra pounds."

"Curvy" a curvy woman is just that. Well rounded woman in the body areas that usually catch attention. An excellent modern relevant example of "curvy" would be actress Kat Denning who plays on the show "Two Broke Girls" Curvy is not having legs like old growth tree trunks and a belly hanging down to the crotch of the pants.

"BBW" Big beautiful woman. A BBW is a woman who is physically beautiful in the typical terms of the word, Her face, her hair, nice skin, a nice feminine body shape, and she just happens to be big. She may even be quite a fair bit overweight but is still beautiful and holds a typically attractive female shape just on a larger scale. I find some larger ladies to be very attractive, like if you were to look up "plus size models" on pinterest for example some of them are quite stunning. I am annoyed when men ridicule the true BBWs for being fat. BBW, a beautiful woman who is also big. NOT a woman is beautiful BECAUSE she is big. Having a body like an elephant seal with a face like a crack hooker does NOT make a BBW.

I treat everyone with fair respect regardless of what they look like in day to day occurrences. I just believe that no one should be complaining people find them unattractive when their body or maybe even hygiene is in appalling condition which they have the power to do something about. Nor should they be shaming others when they are pot calling the kettle black.

 

[megacomic]

I'd also like to tack on here how it annoys me how society expects women to be slim and in shape but it is much less expected of men. I have often worked with guys who they themselves maybe need to loose 80 lbs and then ridicule a woman for being overweight, especially if she is less over weight than he is. Or a guy who bitches he can't get an attractive girl yet he looks like the Michelin man. Makes me wonder if those kind of guys ever take a look in a mirror.

That said I also don't approve of the other side of the coin either. The fat acceptance warriors I think I'll call them or the way some terms of appearance have become so bastardized. Especially when used on dating websites.
For example.

"A few extra pounds" This would logically mean somewhat over optimal weight. 180 extra pounds over optimal is NOT "a few extra pounds."

"Curvy" a curvy woman is just that. Well rounded woman in the body areas that usually catch attention. An excellent modern relevant example of "curvy" would be actress Kat Denning who plays on the show "Two Broke Girls" Curvy is not having legs like old growth tree trunks and a belly hanging down to the crotch of the pants.

"BBW" Big beautiful woman. A BBW is a woman who is physically beautiful in the typical terms of the word, Her face, her hair, nice skin, a nice feminine body shape, and she just happens to be big. She may even be quite a fair bit overweight but is still beautiful and holds a typically attractive female shape just on a larger scale. I find some larger ladies to be very attractive, like if you were to look up "plus size models" on pinterest for example some of them are quite stunning. BBW, a beautiful woman who is also big. NOT a woman is beautiful BECAUSE she is big. Having a body like an elephant seal with a face like a crack hooker does NOT make a BBW.

I treat everyone with fair respect regardless of what they look like in day to day occurrences. I just believe that no one should be complaining people find them unattractive when their body or maybe even hygiene is in appalling condition which they have the power to do something about. Nor should they be shaming others when they are pot calling the kettle black.

I don't know if I mentioned this before but women find me physically attractive I'm 6'3 and somewhat lean but it's moreso awkwardness. I can't play 'normal" for the lack of a better phrase. I'm losing hair so I shave my head but I feel pretty insecure about it.

 

[Pariah Dog]

I don't know if I mentioned this before but women find me physically attractive I'm 6'3 and somewhat lean but it's moreso awkwardness. I can't play 'normal" for the lack of a better phrase. I'm losing hair so I shave my head but I feel pretty insecure about it.

I wasn't suggesting you are one of the types of men in the previous post. Just trying to make the point earlier that a person trying to look their best can go a long way. Shaved head? Maybe that's an opportunity to wear cool hats. Are you a type who looks good bald? Some pull it off better than others. I'm pretty sure I would look horrible bald. Actor Jason Statham on the other hand seriously rocks the look.

 

[megacomic]

I wouldn't say I look bad. I would just say i look younger with hair and I'd feel much better looking and confident if I woke up tomorrow and my hair was back.

 

[BradT]

I'd also like to tack on here how it annoys me how society expects women to be slim and in shape but it is much less expected of men. I have often worked with guys who they themselves maybe need to loose 80 lbs and then ridicule a woman for being overweight, especially if she is less over weight than he is. Or a guy who bitches he can't get an attractive girl yet he looks like the Michelin man. Makes me wonder if those kind of guys ever take a look in a mirror.

That said I also don't approve of the other side of the coin either. The fat acceptance warriors I think I'll call them or the way some terms of appearance have become so bastardized. Especially when used on dating websites.
For example.

"A few extra pounds" This would logically mean somewhat over optimal weight. 180 extra pounds over optimal is NOT "a few extra pounds."

"Curvy" a curvy woman is just that. Well rounded woman in the body areas that usually catch attention. An excellent modern relevant example of "curvy" would be actress Kat Denning who plays on the show "Two Broke Girls" Curvy is not having legs like old growth tree trunks and a belly hanging down to the crotch of the pants.

"BBW" Big beautiful woman. A BBW is a woman who is physically beautiful in the typical terms of the word, Her face, her hair, nice skin, a nice feminine body shape, and she just happens to be big. She may even be quite a fair bit overweight but is still beautiful and holds a typically attractive female shape just on a larger scale. I find some larger ladies to be very attractive, like if you were to look up "plus size models" on pinterest for example some of them are quite stunning. I am annoyed when men ridicule the true BBWs for being fat. BBW, a beautiful woman who is also big. NOT a woman is beautiful BECAUSE she is big. Having a body like an elephant seal with a face like a crack hooker does NOT make a BBW.

I treat everyone with fair respect regardless of what they look like in day to day occurrences. I just believe that no one should be complaining people find them unattractive when their body or maybe even hygiene is in appalling condition which they have the power to do something about. Nor should they be shaming others when they are pot calling the kettle black.

What would a few extra pounds mean for a guy? A little overweight or moderately overweight?

 

[Pariah Dog]

What would a few extra pounds mean for a guy? A little overweight or moderately overweight?

I suppose there would be a ground of area of interpretation. I would think if you meet the medical definition of "obese" then you are beyond "a few extra pounds." If a guy hasn't been able to see his member for several years, well... you get the idea.

 

[BradT]

I suppose there would be a ground of area of interpretation. I would think if you meet the medical definition of "obese" then you are beyond "a few extra pounds." If a guy hasn't been able to see his member for several years, well... you get the idea.

Haha yep.