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Almost 30 and have never had a romantic relationship. Should I just give up?

megacomic

Just that awkward guy.
I feel so jealous and inadequate when I come to this forum and see that there are so many other Aspies in loving relationships. I mean am I an Aspie among Apsies? I can't seem to figure out how to connect with any woman I meet. It's so frustrating always being alone all the time. I have friends but I just wish I had something more. The rest of my life is pretty great it's just this one thing that makes me feel incomplete.
 
I would say no, don't give up. I met my wife when I was thirty and we married within a year. We recently celebrated our nineteenth anniversary. Before we met, I had two or three relationships over the years that never lasted long and didn't amount to anything, and I had accepted that I would probably never find anyone significant. So, you never know who's just around the corner for you!
 
No, do not give up. Whatever severe social anxiety and shyness condition I had my entire life, and have, I never gave up. I lived alone from age eighteen to thirty eight, focused on a step by step plan to achieve my own goals for me, not to match societal expectations, and after becoming wiser and stronger, I dated, and then married my wife at age forty. I still look young and feel young, and I am thankful I never dated and married when I was young like the rest, as I would have had ten children and four divorces likely. Then my life would have been totally over.
 
Might I suggest using a dating website like match.com or pof.com? It's purpose-driven; you don't just have to rely on "accidentally" connecting with someone or "picking them up". They're there for the same reason you are.

Additionally, you can lay it all out on the line in your profile: the good, the bad, and the ugly. Whatever your reasons are for not yet having had a relationship, realize that you're not THAT unique; odds are, there's someone else out there that can identify with you. It's a numbers game, and that number is very small, I'm just thinking a dating site would probably be your best bet.
 
Don't give up, just keep improving yourself. And perhaps switch up your daily routine so you get to meet new people at new places. Happy people with fulfilling lives are the most desirable candidates for dating. Work on getting that fulfilling live on your own, it'll make you more interesting to potential partners and potential friends alike.
 
It annoys me, too. I like everyone on here, so this is not to slam to anyone, but the idea to Not Give Up is illogical and just makes it worse.
1. 50% marriages end in divorce
2. of the 50% remaining, how many of them are actually happy? 100% of the last 50%? I doubt it. Probably 25%. So you have a 25% chance of being happy.

Those who have a partner like to think everyone can, like those have anything like to say it can be had for all. Rich people think it was just their hard work, ignoring the fact they had something others don't----a good mind and/or strong body, grants for education or to start a business, etc etc.....

Those who find a spouse and are happy are lucky. It's luck. I did the "Hang in There" "You will Find Someone" "Someone for Everyone"----well, here I am , alone and old enough to know it's not going to happen. Beside, my rigid routine and Aspie ways would run off most.

But I am OK with it now. THAT is the goal, to be ok with how things are. I don't want to put 1000% into something and get beat up and abused and misunderstood which is what happened when I waited and waited and waited and OH JOY someone to love me!!!! NOT.
 
You're 26, you still have time. Don't give up. I didn't find the right person until I was 28. I was in relationships before that (and married once) but I was hurrying into it for that same reason (I just wanted to be in a relationship and feel loved), which got me into an abusive marriage. Don't rush things just because you want to be in a relationship. You'll find the right person eventually, and I'd hate to see you end up in a situation like I did just because you really want to be in a relationship.
 
@OkRad I have to agree with you on that relationships are not all that either. If that's what my message conveys, I apologize for that. I also agree with you that your goal should be to be okay, if not happy, with yourself and your life, rather than to find someone who will complete your life. I'm not saying there's someone out there for everyone, I'm just saying if you do want a relationship it's better to look for one when you're happy with your life as is.
 
@OkRad I have to agree with you on that relationships are not all that either. If that's what my message conveys, I apologize for that. I also agree with you that your goal should be to be okay, if not happy, with yourself and your life, rather than to find someone who will complete your life. I'm not saying there's someone out there for everyone, I'm just saying if you do want a relationship it's better to look for one when you're happy with your life as is.

I hope you didn't think I was getting snarky :) I know that everyone on here is sharp and specific, so I guess it's not about what anyone here is saying, but that overall tendency to make people need relationships. Yes, I ache for one, because it seems to be a natural thing, but it's so not a given.......and when it's not a given and people keep telling you it is, it's just like salt in a wound-----for a while, but then you give up and turn to other things.......I won't be pining away for a relationship .
 
My parents have been together 31 years, and are very devoted to each other. I think that society today has changed the way people view relationships, in that people just give up when things don't go right. Real SUCCESSFUL marriages take work. Lots of work. And it definitely isn't all sunshine and rainbows.

I have Aspergers, PTSD, severe anxiety, depression, and OCD, and I have found someone so I wouldn't say that a rigid routine would scare EVERYONE off. I've literally punched my boyfriend in his sleep, I've had to leave movies and places where we were because I became overstimulated or had a meltdown, and he's still stayed with me.

Try going to some classes for something your interested in, or maybe meetings. If that's not your thing, maybe try dating sites? I've had friends on and off the spectrum that have made lasting and deep relationships with people on those.
 
There are no guarantees, though it's the sort of thing for each and every one of us to contemplate individually. We all may be on the spectrum, but it doesn't mean we'll all "take the same fork in the road" in this strange journey of ours.

It's true that for some of us, (like myself) successful relationships are simply either not going to happen at all, or be successful in whole or in part. And that it may ultimately come down to how one manages their loneliness versus their being on the spectrum. I more or less gave up on the prospects of relationships in my early 40s.

In the cosmic sense I've come to consider that perhaps in my own case, happiness and relationships were never in the cards for me so to speak. That maybe I'm here for some other purpose.
 
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internet dating is ideal, it allows you to present yourself that puts your strengths forward

stop looking 'aggressively', it makes any potential partner feel uncomfortable, just go into it to get to know people, from there there may or may not be a friendship or more
 
I was going to suggest what Gritches did actually. I found it impossible to meet anyone in person. I didn't get the subtle clues or flirting. Eventually a friend convinced me to try a dating site and that made it much easier to find a match that fit me. I used a nerd dating site lol... I wanted someone with similar interests like star wars and such. If you are really serious about finding someone a dating site can simplify the social guessing game stuff and break it down to find someone who is also serious about finding a partner.
 
I feel so jealous and inadequate when I come to this forum and see that there are so many other Aspies in loving relationships. I mean am I an Aspie among Apsies? I can't seem to figure out how to connect with any woman I meet. It's so frustrating always being alone all the time. I have friends but I just wish I had something more. The rest of my life is pretty great it's just this one thing that makes me feel incomplete.

It depends on whether you really want to date; if you're just jealous and don't otherwise want it, you don't have to. I dated just to see the other side, and have since gone well over a decade without wanting to.
 
I wasn't interested in a relationship but when I was 40 I started dating my bf. He asked me out to dinner and I told him no, then decided it would be ok just the one time. Swore I wouldn't go out a second time with him. 5 years later..... It seems to me romantic relationships and friendships are a lot like having family or not. Not sure how much control we really have in all of it. The Universe or whatever already decided or something. Will you have sisters? Cousins? A boy/girl friend? Anyhoo, my advice, which may be useless is neither give up or try. Just go do stuff you enjoy, talk to people you enjoy, and if the situation comes up to date someone that you absolutely love being around, then date them.
 
Why do you think is the reason that you haven’t had a girlfriend?
There have been women who have shown romantic interest in me. Apparently many but since we live in a strange world where women don't just say things I never pick up on it until someone says something years later. And everytime I pursue a girl of my own volition they are not interested so I never seem to meet the right girl at the right time.
 
There have been women who have shown romantic interest in me. Apparently many but since we live in a strange world where women don't just say things I never pick up on it until someone says something years later. And everytime I pursue a girl of my own volition they are not interested so I never seem to meet the right girl at the right time.
Then I think you should continue looking, you’re very young. I suggest that instead of looking for a girlfriend, just aim to make a conversation with a girl. That way there’s less pressure on yourself. It could be in real life, or virtual. Focus on that first step, then, see what happens.
 
I offer my sympathies - it took me a long time to find the right guy, I got married at 36. The few relationships and attempts at relationships I had before that ended painfully and disappointingly.

With all of that said.....I think the true answer of whether you should/would give up or not depends entirely upon your own personality.
 
Numerous aspies struggle more than most with finding a loving relationship and many suffer in silence, but yes there are some in successful loving relationships and it is most certainly very possible. There's a very good chance that given time you will also meet that special person and it could happen when you least expect it (My Dad met my Mum at a bus stop for instance).

You probably want to meet someone too much and since you almost certainly lack confidence it will show and this often reduces your chances, in fact if you did truly give up you may have more chance (I'm not telling you to truly give up, just don't try too hard). It's strange, but when I used to go out and actually already had a girlfriend I would get interest that I would turn down, but if I was looking I'd normally fail miserably all the time. You also may be looking in the wrong places for yourself, for instance pubs / bars and nightclubs truly don't suit everyone as a good place to meet someone, yet many seem to think that is the only place and continue to fail there. I suggest looking for social groups of like minded people, check meetup.com and look for other support groups that meet up and go on events (sometimes charities run them). Whether you meet a special person there or not, it will certainly increase your confidence which is what you need to improve your chances elsewhere. I'm not sure what country you live in, but if you happened to live in the UK I could offer further advice.

Finally when you do meet someone, be yourself, don't try to pretend you are someone you're not as even if you did manage to pull it off, there's no way you could do this in the long term. I'm sure there's someone out there that will love you for who you are, but if the person doesn't like your true self then they're not the right person for you anyway (just move on).
 
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