alcoholics, acdicts & Judgment-I don't know where the line is

[Undiagnosed]

I have tried very steadily to be non judgmental of poeople in any sircumstance. I beleive it's in our human nature to judge others (in some people more than others). I have had my more judgmental days in the past and I don't like to see it from myself or anyone else. I am usually pretty good at being non judgmental these days. However I have always sort of saw adicts, drug users, and drunks, as like 'low lifes' I guess. Not intentionally but it's just been the idea in my head. I don't even feel right saying that becouse it sounds so judgmental. It's not something I'v dealt with much becouse i don't have many of those peo;le close to me. I know several peole who drink , smoke pot etc. but that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the abnoctious, out of controle drunk type. This is my ex when he drinks.

My ex will go for several months without drinking. One time (when I met him) he hadnt drank for four years and then another two years after I was with him. This last time he was sober for over a year and a half. He recentley started drinking again. He stumbles around falls down, slurs words, says anoying stupid stuff. He sometimges gets mean. He will drive drunk risking his job as a semi driver. A few years back he had a bad wreck, totaled his truck and spent weekends in jail lost his right to drive for a while, looseing his job. The next time somehow he got lucky and his case didn't go to coure by some fluke. He will get so drunk he will start takeing varoius pills sometimes along with the alcohol. He will of course say and do things that offend practally Every one around him except other drunk men usually. Hardley anyone likes him becouse of things he's said or done while drinking. He will make himself sick and depressed. He will hurt himself and break thinkg and make a disaster of whatever is around him. Once he goes on for a while he will get to the point that he might stay drunk for five, six day or more. Then he will take a week of so to ween down off of it. Then be in bed for a week or so sick and depressed. Anyway since he has not been drinking for the past almost two years and I have let him stay at my house he has done better than I'v ever saw him do.l He has the best driveing job ever, makes great money, has bought one semi already and is payoing on the sedond one. My son is 14 and has been haveing so many problems latley. He really needs a Dad more than ever right now. NOW HE DECIDES TO START DRINKING???!!! I am livid!!! He apears pothetic to me!! I can't stand to see or be around him drinking!! the thoughts that come into my mind... 'pothetic', 'stupid', "how can a man of 53 years not lean to make better choices?", "how irresponsable" I am takeing this as a personal betrayal of my son just when he needed his Dad the most!!! He is more of a curse to my son now!! The last time he was drinking I heard my son ask him if he could have some and he sayd yes!!! Livid!! He probabley dosn't even know it was said. Anyway he is OUT of My HOUSE NoW!!! ANd I an in a rage and have it out for him!! Mother Bear in my is fearce!! saying

Anyway what I am saying.... Where do I draw the line. I mean ...'pothetic', 'rediculouse', 'stupid', these are the words and thoughts going torew my head when I see or think of what he's doing right now...... Is that the opidomy of jedgment?? Becouse I feel compleatley judgmental thinking those things and I can't help it!!!! It just seems absolutley absurde to me from the outside looking at him!!!

 

[gregmcph]

You have a right to demand that he takes some responsibility for his son.
And for you.

We all have our crosses to bear. You are sitting here in a forum full of people carrying them. Some lighter, some very heavy indeed.
If he wont fight for himself, if he doesn't care enough about you and your son to try and fix himself, then maybe it's best he's gone.

 

[Undiagnosed]

O it's definitley best he's gone. He's just not far enough away yet.

 

[Loomis]

This man needs to go into treatment or to alcoholics anonymous. He must give up alcohol and drugs for the rest of his life. If he does not you should not allow him around you or your son. It is that simple.

 

[Undiagnosed]

He has been in treatments and Alchoholica anonamous more than once. I am trying to find my way about keeping him away from my son.

 

[Undiagnosed]

Hmmm..... One of my fall backs when contemplaiting a situation..... the old WWJD... What would Jesus Do?..Keep him a way from the boy... I'm sure Jesue woulen't have a problem with that... The question is... How would Jesus or someone of enlightened spiritualaty be feeling and acting towrd him right now? Mercyfull? I don't feel mercyfull. Loveing? I don't feel that. Pray for him? That I can do....... AAAA! How m I suposed to feel?

How would you be feeling/ acting right now.... Anyone?

 

[Loomis]

Hmmm..... One of my fall backs when contemplaiting a situation..... the old WWJD... What would Jesus Do?..Keep him a way from the boy... I'm sure Jesue woulen't have a problem with that... The question is... How would Jesus or someone of enlightened spiritualaty be feeling and acting towrd him right now? Mercyfull? I don't feel mercyfull. Loveing? I don't feel that. Pray for him? That I can do....... AAAA! How m I suposed to feel?

How would you be feeling/ acting right now.... Anyone?

You are doing the right thing by keeping him away from your son. When an alcoholic is drinking he is engaging in disordered, destructive behavior that contaminates everyone around them. His actions are self-centered and irresponsible. Since your husband has been in treatment and in AA he knew what was right but he made a choice to re-enter the chaotic and destructive world of addiction. The merciful thing to do is to make it clear you want nothing to do with him and his evil choices. Jesus did not embrace evil and neither should you.

 

[Undiagnosed]

I never thought of it in terms of evil. You are probably right it probabley is evil. I know it is chayotic and distructive .

 

[epath13]

I think if you've dealt with one side only, the side of a victim of drug or alcohol abuser, you often become very hesitant to accept and understand. I grew up in Russia, a land where alcohol abuse almost praised as being a part of cultural makeup. I dealt with violence but I also saw how perfectly good kids got lost in madness of drug and alcohol abuse. I think I can understand why and how it happens to people but it doesn't mean it doesn't make me feel angry when life of innocent people put at risk by the ones, who is addicted to drugs or alcohol. One thing that I would like to mention, before I continue, many people who abuse drugs or alcohol have other problems, mental illnesses, PTSD etc. The substances just magnify the issues.
When you accept a person who abuses alcohol and drugs, you just try to be understanding, offer help if you can, but it doesn't mean you have to accept the irresponsible behavior. And it doesn't mean you shouldn't be angry. It's pretty hard sometimes to treat people who make irresponsible decisions in life and hurt others as equal, but the truth is: initially we are all the same, nobody is better nobody is worse. As for your situation: you're responsible for your own well being and for well being of your son, if you think your ex-husband can't support you or your son in anyway and only causes more issues, then there's nothing wrong with letting him know how you feel and that it's in your and your son's best interests to be away from your ex.
As for him starting drinking again, I do think once an addict always an addict, for some it is a constant struggle to stay sober: you have to be committed, you have to keep your mental and emotional state in check. I'm not sure if there're physiological reasons behind this but it seems that some people are more likely to get addicted that others, it might be genetic. And I'm not talking about just alcohol and drugs, it also could be things like food, sex etc.
And if there're any ex-addicts around here, you're welcome to disagree with me if you wish
I guess, that's all I've got to say for now

 

[Undiagnosed]

I guess it's not so much the fact that he decided to start drinking again. Yea that really bothers me as he could easily distruct his life and that leaves my son pretty much high and dry as where a father is conserned. That really really dose bother me that he dosn't think more of his son, but, It is moreso the fact that he dosn't have the respect to take his chayos elsewherre. When he started drinking I made it clear that I wanted him to go somewhere else since he is drinking now. He always starts out mild and spirels. I figured mabey I could get him out before it got bad. He has the place he had before he started staying at my house. It wouldn't have taken much for him to go there and stay and do his drinking there. That's what started the Big Fight!! If he want's to choose to do that to himself that's his business but why dose he insist on imposeing it onto us, and our home! He walked into the house with beer and I told him...'we're not doing that here tonight Davie!"..."O shut the hell up", he said and continued to drink. I tried to easy threw the night untill I could get him out for good. Mabey he would go to bed soon and I could deal with this with him when he's not drinking. but eventually it spiraled out of controle and eneded up with him calling me really bad names and me telling him to get out of my house, him threatning to hit me, me running outside , threatening to call the police, etc...etc...and finally him leaving .

He had two kids from a prevoius marrage and his ex kept them from him as they were growing up and his daughter aslo keeps him from her kids due to the way he is with drinnking. He hardley ever talkes to any of them . The other night ((while drinking), he was on the phone to his daughter and practacley boasting that he has this grandson here who loves him. He has always had my son in his life too. He was rubbing this in to her that he is this grandpa to this kid here and not to her's becouse he has been kept from them. He had her crying the whole time. He thinks it's everyone elses falut! I told him, and she told him, if he hadn't been drinnking he would have had those kids with him. He said "and I could be like other people who drink and have their kids." He thinks its everyone else s fault! That really bugs me. And he is much more chayotic and out of controle than a lot of people who drink too. When my son was younger he was a really good Dad other than the drinking part. Now he's hardley any good to my son even when he is sober. I'm afraid my son is heading down the same path. I think I may have made a mistake letting him in my sons life in the past.

 

[Loomis]

I understand addiction and I have great sympathy for the addict. They deserve help and there is plenty of help available. Alcoholics Anonymous is always there and will readily provide assistance and encouragement for the chronic relapser. That does not change the fact that addiction is highly destructive to the addict and those who love him. Addiction and Alcoholism are afflictions that manifest as selfish destructive behavior. Addiction is immersion into a hedonistic lifestyle that places the addict's pursuit of oblivian above everything else in his life. It becomes more important than his health, his family, his financial well-being, his relationship with God and his fellow human beings. It is a descent into a hellish existence and hence an embrace of evil. Alcoholics and addicts in recovery are able to maintain abstinence by embracing a spiritual solution to their problem. That is the entire basis of AA. When addicts and alcoholics fail to follow the spiritual principles of recovery they risk relapse. It is not possible to relapse and maintain spiritual health at the same time. The two states are mutually exclusive; that is why I say the alcoholic who relapses is rejecting spiritual health and embracing evil.

 

[Undiagnosed]

Now he says if my grandson is kept from him it will be becouse of my and whoever else dose it not becouse of him..

 

[Loomis]

Now he says if my grandson is kept from him it will be becouse of my and whoever else dose it not becouse of him..

Tell him he can see his grandson after he has been sober for one-year and after he has made proper amends to all of the people he has hurt.

 

[Undiagnosed]

I understand addiction and I have great sympathy for the addict. They deserve help and there is plenty of help available. Alcoholics Anonymous is always there and will readily provide assistance and encouragement for the chronic relapser. That does not change the fact that addiction is highly destructive to the addict and those who love him. Addiction and Alcoholism are afflictions that manifest as selfish destructive behavior. Addiction is immersion into a hedonistic lifestyle that places the addict's pursuit of oblivian above everything else in his life. It becomes more important than his health, his family, his financial well-being, his relationship with God and his fellow human beings. It is a descent into a hellish existence and hence an embrace of evil. Alcoholics and addicts in recovery are able to maintain abstinence by embracing a spiritual solution to their problem. That is the entire basis of AA. When addicts and alcoholics fail to follow the spiritual principles of recovery they risk relapse. It is not possible to relapse and maintain spiritual health at the same time. The two states are mutually exclusive; that is why I say the alcoholic who relapses is rejecting spiritual health and embracing evil.

I agree

Right now I am just fighting within myself to trying to find the balance with my anger and figuering out how to not be judgmental, yet deal rationally with this. I want to blamb him. Don't know if that good or bad. On the other hand I pitty him. I have always pittyd him, but in the past when I thought he was a good Dad other than his drinnking it was different. I felt much more compasion for him than I do now. Now I feel in furry toward him like a 'mother bear' that has been angered by seeing her child wronged.

 

[Undiagnosed]

Tell him he can see his grandson after he has been sober for one-year and after he has made proper amends to all of the people he has hurt.

That sounds reasonable. That would be my son's call becouse it's my son's boy. He would probaly agree with that though.

 

[Undiagnosed]

thanks. you have apparentley dealt with addiction before. anyway thank you.= loomis and thanks everyone.

 

[Loomis]

I agree

Right now I am just fighting within myself to trying to find the balance with my anger and figuering out how to not be judgmental, yet deal rationally with this. I want to blamb him. Don't know if that good or bad. On the other hand I pitty him. I have always pittyd him, but in the past when I thought he was a good Dad other than his drinnking it was different. I felt much more compasion for him than I do now. Now I feel in furry toward him like a 'mother bear' that has been angered by seeing her child wronged.

Your fury, judgement, and protective instincts are valid. You are also not wrong to be judgmental. His behavior is unacceptable. These feelings are not incompatible with compassion and pity. You are doing the right thing. As long as he is drinking he is not going to be able to act rationally and be a decent human being.