I had (with my mother) a traumatic birth, I was a large baby, mum had 4 (+1 miscarriage) from 1961 to 1965 then me in 1966.
I needed oxygen straight after delivery, so no bonding.
I suffered bronchopneumonia and was hospitalised for 2 weeks at 6mths old. Dad said doctors warned my parents I might not make it through the first night after being rushed into hospital.
Why am I talking about baby hood, because it was traumatic and although we do not remember being babies our bodies hold every memory.
As I am a super sensitive person, and my poor old dad had what I think was NPD, when he started calling me names to bring me down, by highlighting my shortcomings (falling down - late walker) as he could not bear to see me shine, (reading at 2 or before, talking within a year, dry within a year) I chose to see myself as a victim and gave up my burgeoning reading talent in favour of him not calling me silly names.
Mum was really proud of my early development and not once bullied me into reading, however I ignored her encouragement and validation and preferred to listen to my Dad's name calling.
This drew victimisation towards me, which snowballed.
We all feared Dad including mum. Both were violent, mum seemed to grow to be like him.
Being the youngest they wanted me dependent on them, and "kept me little" in mum's words.
I did not know I was being manipulated.
Trust was broken when my mum gave me bad advice with the intention of keeping me dependant, but it involved me taking a huge financial risk.
I don't want to cut off contact, Dad died, thinking I hated him (I worry about that) yet I don't see them, I think I would choose to go mute if I did have physical contact with them.
They all see each other and are a happy family, and I have messed up big style, but don't want to elaborate on a public forum. I get money off mum at xmas and birthday and we swap cards.
Had I of not seen myself as a victim I would not have been one, victimisers would have been given short shrift as I would have had courage. but it is what it is, and as much as I would love a loving family, I have to accept that the family I have cannot provide the love that I need, only I can do that.