After turning 30 I finally cut my mom off

[megacomic]

She keeps trying to force me to be normal. I will never be normal. I'm highly educated and have a decent paying job I help out the less fortunate but it's never enough. She's constantly criticizing my social skills, antagonizing me, and trying to make me into something I'm not. It's time I stop trying to impress her and embrace being myself.

 

[Major Tom]

I've done the same, good on you. People like that are uneccessary in our lives.

 

[megacomic]

I've done the same, good on you. People like that are uneccessary in our lives.

Thanks I kept thinking about it and after much deliberation I found that she adds nothing positive to my life that my friends and other family members don't do much better with much less guilt and stress.

 

[Fino]

Congratulations on taking that step! You've identified your self-worth and lived up to it!

 

[Thinx]

I did that too, in my 30s, (63 now) and didn't regret it, although some years later I mellowed as she was getting very old and I had done enough by then to feel confident and competent in my own right, that I could be in touch with her without needing anything from her. She didn't change, but she's faded somewhat, and was never very powerful except as a drain on my limited resources back then. Live and thrive!

 

[SimonSays]

I also did that. Many years went by with no contact whatsoever. It was only when she got cancer at the end of her life we found a way to mend some of the broken bridges. I chose to stay with her and help her. She was still pretty difficult to deal with but the cancer had taken its toll on her.

I let her go around the age of 22. She was there if I needed her, and there were several times along the way when I attempted reconciliation, but nothing stayed in place for long. I just didn't want anything to do with someone who affected me in such negative way. I'm 57 now.

 

[Rahere]

• I put up with what I now know to have been serious mental abuse in my childhood, but when I caugth it turning physical on my daughter, it snapped, permanently. We should have emotional ties from those who built us, and some of that inheritance was important later. But by then, those positive traits were mine, not hers, and had developed important roots projected in my work in Peacemaking. We can be a mix of virtues and vices, being human: the important thing is to keep the vices positive, and allow our virtues to outweigh them.

 

[unperson]

I had a relentlessly negative 'mother' too.

parents can slot us into the 'you'll do to look after me when i'm old' thing and make that a self fulfilling prophecy, whereas other siblings get to live for themselves, but meh, when the time came for her to use me for her support in aging, she was so awful and contemptuous, I left her to the medical system. She chose it over reconciling with me and treating me as though I were real.

I'd had quite enough abuse from her in growing up, with me being stuck with the bills to pay to get dx'ed etc, although it's genetic (dad). I wasn't going to put up with contempt all my life.

 

[Gift2humanity]

I had (with my mother) a traumatic birth, I was a large baby, mum had 4 (+1 miscarriage) from 1961 to 1965 then me in 1966.
I needed oxygen straight after delivery, so no bonding.
I suffered bronchopneumonia and was hospitalised for 2 weeks at 6mths old. Dad said doctors warned my parents I might not make it through the first night after being rushed into hospital.

Why am I talking about baby hood, because it was traumatic and although we do not remember being babies our bodies hold every memory.

As I am a super sensitive person, and my poor old dad had what I think was NPD, when he started calling me names to bring me down, by highlighting my shortcomings (falling down - late walker) as he could not bear to see me shine, (reading at 2 or before, talking within a year, dry within a year) I chose to see myself as a victim and gave up my burgeoning reading talent in favour of him not calling me silly names.

Mum was really proud of my early development and not once bullied me into reading, however I ignored her encouragement and validation and preferred to listen to my Dad's name calling.

This drew victimisation towards me, which snowballed.
We all feared Dad including mum. Both were violent, mum seemed to grow to be like him.

Being the youngest they wanted me dependent on them, and "kept me little" in mum's words.

I did not know I was being manipulated.
Trust was broken when my mum gave me bad advice with the intention of keeping me dependant, but it involved me taking a huge financial risk.

I don't want to cut off contact, Dad died, thinking I hated him (I worry about that) yet I don't see them, I think I would choose to go mute if I did have physical contact with them.

They all see each other and are a happy family, and I have messed up big style, but don't want to elaborate on a public forum. I get money off mum at xmas and birthday and we swap cards.

Had I of not seen myself as a victim I would not have been one, victimisers would have been given short shrift as I would have had courage. but it is what it is, and as much as I would love a loving family, I have to accept that the family I have cannot provide the love that I need, only I can do that.

 

[selena]

I still haven't, but I wish I'd created more distance between us years ago so I'd be able to be my own person and probably not end up as resentful toward her as I am now. But relationships with family will always be complicated and human behaviors are unpredictable, so I guess I'll just have to accept my relationship with her is what it is.

 

[Lennie]

I'm proud of you megacomic. It's not easy at all.

I'm in a position where I need to do the same thing.

My mom and my girlfriend are both doing the same. Every time I get tired and start misunderstanding or misinterpreting things more than usual they get angry at me. It's just a neverending cycle of trying super hard to act normal then getting burned out and exhausted.

 

[Gift2humanity]

I still haven't, but I wish I'd created more distance between us years ago so I'd be able to be my own person and probably not end up as resentful toward her as I am now. But relationships with family will always be complicated and human behaviors are unpredictable, so I guess I'll just have to accept my relationship with her is what it is.

I went down the resentment road, I wasn't thinking clearly at the time, it just caused ME more pain and misery.

In my case, I can see why I was victimised as I instructed them to non verbally.
Resentment is like a festering abscess.
I wish I had grasped the opportunity to hang onto my talents and not see myself as a victim then there would have been no resentment, but, all we have is the present.

We are all individuals with individual circumstances and have to figure out a way that does not hurt us or others.

 

[grommet]

Thanks I kept thinking about it and after much deliberation I found that she adds nothing positive to my life that my friends and other family members don't do much better with much less guilt and stress.

A long time ago I was confused about having my family in my life. I asked myself would I spend time with these people if I did not know them because we were related. The answer was "no" to every one of them. They were not nice and we did not have things in common. I left and became my own person, believing and doing what I thought was right. I think it was the right decision because I have never felt guilty about it or questioned myself even once if I did the right thing. I usually do that with all my decisions but not that one.

I hope it is the same for you.

 

[megacomic]

I'm proud of you megacomic. It's not easy at all.

I'm in a position where I need to do the same thing.

My mom and my girlfriend are both doing the same. Every time I get tired and start misunderstanding or misinterpreting things more than usual they get angry at me. It's just a neverending cycle of trying super hard to act normal then getting burned out and exhausted.

Thanks. Luckily I have friends who have been supportive of my decision which makes it alot easier. It used to be everyone would be dismissive because we have this idea in our heads that every mother loves their child, and mothers do no wrong. I'm happy times are changing and people can come to terms with the idea that parents aren't always looking out for their child's best interest. My mom has a constant fight or flight response to the simplest interactions, every conversation with her is extremely tense, and she has unwarranted hostility towards most people. She refuses to seek any sort of help and lacks any sort of self awareness as to why people avoid her. I'm tired of enabling her.

 

[megacomic]

A long time ago I was confused about having my family in my life. I asked myself would I spend time with these people if I did not know them because we were related. The answer was "no" to every one of them. They were not nice and we did not have things in common. I left and became my own person, believing and doing what I thought was right. I think it was the right decision because I have never felt guilty about it or questioned myself even once if I did the right thing. I usually do that with all my decisions but not that one.

I hope it is the same for you.

That gave me a lot of pause. To be honest no I only ever talked to my mother because I felt I had to and I never got any joy from it. It was a chore.

 

[grommet]

That gave me a lot of pause. To be honest no I only ever talked to my mother because I felt I had to and I never got any joy from it. It was a chore.

I hope you do not mind quotes, this is from Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Not all families are born under the same roof." I am paraphrasing because I cannot remember it exactly but when I was young and reading that helped me so much. I have family now, they are my friends. Good people and we are good to each other. That is what I thought family should be. The one I was born into, was not. Taking advantage of people because they are stuck in the same house and you are close to them because they are family - I think that is cowardly and awful.

I think anyone who treats you badly has no right to do that. That someone thinks they can because they are in your family, I don't know a cheaper way to treat people, a weaker form of strength. It's taking advantage because they know they could never treat a stranger that way.

I think we can make our own families and we have the right to. I think a lot of autistic people have had to do that though I do not know. I live with so much self-doubt, always questioning and criticizing whatever I do. I never question my decision to get away from people who did not like me and did not care about me. People who took advantage of me being nearby in the same house and not knowing better.

If someone treats you badly I hope you feel you don't deserve it and that stepping away from them is right.

 

[Trophonius]

Good, that may even work to improve the relationship you too have.

I too had a bad relationship with my mother, but on an interesting turn of events, after I decided to see little to nothing of her in person, I have no major issues in talking to her. It seems, her controlling behavior only kicks in in person.

 

[SDRSpark]

I cut ties with the entire paternal half of my family (with the exception of a couple of cousins). I've come to the conclusion (because of them) that "family" is a word that abusive people use to keep control over others when they don't have anything else. ("You have to do xyz, we're FAMILY!") Definitely a case of "I wouldn't associate with these people at all if we weren't related".

Cutting ties with them was such a relief. I tried for years to mend bridges but it became clear that they were only interested in me when they wanted something from me, and didn't remember that I exist the rest of the time (when they wanted something, they knew my name, number and even my work schedule).

I blocked their numbers and I'm moving soon, they aren't going to know my new address. I can't wait to remove all possibility of contact.

 

[Aspychata]

l am shocked at how many of us have had difficult moms.

I moved out of country as a teenager. My family informed they moved out of state only when l came back to American a year later. My grandmother told me. l moved further away from them and spoke once a year, xmas time.

My mother emotionally neglected me as a todler which l finally realized about a year ago at this exact forum. l put together some past memories with what my grandmother told me. I have vivid memories of me being on my own when very young. And l was pretty much on my own in high school. I felt like a border.lol

 

[megacomic]

I think alot of what makes our mother's difficult is that they view us as difficult children as if our behaviors and ticks were a personal choice and we make it our objective to inconvenience them. My mom just married for stability and had children because it was just the thing to do. She never expected to have a son with autism, she never wanted a son with autism, and now she doesn't have one.