After turning 30 I finally cut my mom off

[harrietjansson]

She keeps trying to force me to be normal. I will never be normal. I'm highly educated and have a decent paying job I help out the less fortunate but it's never enough. She's constantly criticizing my social skills, antagonizing me, and trying to make me into something I'm not. It's time I stop trying to impress her and embrace being myself.

This must hurt a lot. I never needed to cut my mum off. I like my parents.

 

[Amy Stone]

I did the same. My mother was/is a toxic person. You should surround yourself with people who make you feel better about yourself, not worse. That includes family. For some reason, most people feel that you should tolerate those behaviors just because someone is related to you!

 

[SDRSpark]

For some reason, most people feel that you should tolerate those behaviors just because someone is related to you!

This is the thing that always gets me. I have so many relatives that I would NOT be friends with (or even acquaintances - I'd avoid them like the plague!) if I weren't related to them...but for some reason, because I am related, I'm supposed to not only tolerate them, but enjoy their company and want them in my life and go out of my way for them.

I don't get it.

 

[watersprite]

I stopped responding to most of the people in my family of origin.
A toxic load of stress was removed when I made that decision.

As @Lennie so aptly said, “It's just a neverending cycle of trying super hard to act normal then getting burned out and exhausted.”

The past can’t be removed so they’re all there and will be until I’m dead.That’s now a separate problem and I can work through that as needed.

When I stopped feeling obligated to interact with them it was as if a dark cloud of smog cleared off.
The family-people I still interact with have also cut the other ones out of their lives.

 

[Magna]

Megacomic: Does you mom have issues with healthy boundaries? My mom is dead, but my Dad has no concept of boundaries at all. Zero. I'm over 50 with my own family which I successfully support and my Dad still treats me like a child (not always but a lot of the time) and still thinks as though he's the Dad and I'm the child. He doesn't get the concept that my "family" is now my wife, kids and me.

It's helped in my adult life that I've gradually pushed back and put down boundaries. He still drops "guilt-bombs" on me a lot, but I know that I can and do make my own decisions.

One thing I must admit though: Even though my Dad has pushed me incessantly in my life and even though I've hated that and I usually push back...it's a fact that I would not be successful today without his persistent pushing me to accomplish things, undertake things, etc. Unless it's something I'm interested in, I have ZERO motivation; I acknowledge that my default is to live "in my head" and avoid things I think are unpleasant. So...If I was left alone from the start by him, it's quite possible that I wouldn't have a family are perhaps even be able to support myself.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I couldn't make the complete break. My mother was an attention whore and as my spouse commented seeing our interaction that she enjoyed pushing my buttons. So, contact was reduced considerably. But, I recognize the difficult circumstances of her life and helped her occassionally. I knew that she wanted to die at home, so after a severe stroke and seeing the neurological damage on imaging, I arranged for Hospice and home nursing to let her get her wish. I do not know if that eased her mind, but at least it let me find closure.

 

[Hannibal]

I hope this brings you the peace you deserve. Such a big step but needed. You're strong.