Advice from autistic spouses/partners needed

[JDS49]

Hi everyone. I’m autistic and married with two young kids. My wife also has neurodivergence and a diagnosed bipolar condition. She has trouble with:
• Executive functioning (organization, time, follow-through)
• Emotional regulation (gets overwhelmed easily, especially with parenting)
• Speech pace + coherence (very rapid, long sentences → kids don’t follow instructions)
• Memory + consistency (conversations don’t stick, routines break often)
When she becomes dysregulated, I end up being the one who must stay calm, manage parenting, redirect the kids, handle logistics, etc. It’s exhausting and often invisible to everyone else.
I’m trying to push for:
• A thorough neurological assessment for her
• Parenting coaching that is neurodiversity-informed
• More practical support from services
• Recognition that I shouldn’t be the only stabilizer at home
But I keep getting messages like:
“Just focus on yourself,”
or
“She’s the vulnerable one.”
This leaves me feeling unheard, blamed, and like my own needs are invisible.
Questions for the community:
How do you advocate for your needs when your partner is also struggling — without being seen as “controlling” or “unsupportive”?
How do you get professionals to see your burnout and not write it off as “you’re coping fine”?
Have any of you gotten parenting coaching tailored to autistic families? Did it help?
How do you handle resentment when you are the “functioning” one by default?
I’m not angry at my wife — we love each other deeply — but I’m scared that without real support, we’re both going to break.
Any experience-based advice would mean a lot.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

For perspective, I've been married for nearly 40 years and have raised 2 wonderful young men. My wife is NT. Both of us have worked full-time for nearly 40 years, as well. We were/are working 12hr shifts, 3-4 days a week. We worked for the same organization and tried our best to work opposite each other, so we minimized our need for expensive childcare. That said, although there was some separation of duties, most of the time, when we were at home with the kids, we had to do everything by ourselves. Neither one of us could "slack off" or wait until the other came home from work. The days we worked, we came home mentally "trashed" in the evening... that meant, grab a little food, "vegetate" for an hour, and back to bed. The other partner took care of everything.

Obviously, you've got an entirely different situation going on here. A lot to "chew on".
1. Executive functioning has got to be addressed. A family communication board (large dry erase). Each child with 1 or 2 things they are responsible for doing on each day. Appointments. Errands. Chores. With a check box. It takes a village to run a house. Everyone is responsible for something... even the little ones. Spread out duties over the week. 1-3 things each day. Stress can be reduced if everyone has a plan for the day. No one person is carrying the entire load.
2. No raised voices in the house. Brains shut off when emotions are heightened. The home is a sanctuary.
3. No negotiations with children. Swift enforcement of rules. No warnings. Execute decisively. Calm demeanor when you engage with children... but be firm... be an unyielding rock they cannot manipulate. They need to know... "if this, then that"... consequences. Again... you're not mean... you're not angry... there are rules and what mom and dad says... no discussion.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I would like to give advice, in my case married 45 years, all I can say ignorance is bliss had no idea I was on spectrum, until kids two sons left home finished college, now enjoy grandkids. I just did what my parents did, they were my example.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

Have you thought of writing a list, ie your first 4 bullet points, of your own? Or perhaps ask your wife for her input on those bullet points.

 

[Aspychata]

Great points here. Another approach may be to write five things you love doing , ex: paying bills, making meals, errands, taking care of animals, gasing car. Then five things that you hate doing ex: food shopping, laundry, washing floor, night routine for kids, (brushing teeth, cleaning room, picking out clothes) , cleaning fridge.
Then both of you check each other's list, and work as a team to implement who is in charge of what. This forces each of you to carry the load. And add a date night weekly or biweekly, where you can both appreciate each other. Then may be schedule once a month talk on how you are working together and listen to input. Give her a reason to be more responsible perhaps? Just an idea.

 

[Crabcore]

How do you advocate for your needs when your partner is also struggling — without being seen as “controlling” or “unsupportive”?

The best way to not 'be seen' as controlling is to not be controlling, imo.

For example, rather than telling them you need silence or something, it helps to just go into another room; the less you can impact and annoy them with your quirks (it happens, let's be honest), the better. In vice versa, if someone else seems to be controlling, it might be worth unpacking. "I do X, Y and Z on autopilot, and you're annoyed by Z, so I can try to cut down on that when you're around, but might not be able to make 100% guarantees", etc.

People have their preferences, but I really think that honesty and healthy compromises can go a long way. Once people start harshly dictating what one another can do, I'm pretty sure that's when it falls apart.

 

[Tired]

May i ask why did you choose to have 2 kids? I am sure you knew the way she behaves before that.
I am not trying to be mean, sorry if it looks like that, I only want to understand your choices.

 

[Mary Terry]

Sounds like your wife needs some therapy or a way to develop a better understanding of herself. If any of your children are also on the spectrum, then they need help, too.

My autistic sister-in-law has severe limits to her executive functioning abilities. She literally breaks down if she has to do two things in a single day, even such mundane things as to sweep the kitchen floor and make a salad for dinner. Consequently, few things get done at her house. She is also unmedicated bi-polar so there are times when she spends most of her time lying in bed and doing absolutely nothing. The rest of the time she is manic, rants, takes crazy risks and alienates everyone around her. There is medication for bipolar illness. Maybe you should insist that your wife take meds to help her. I wish my SIL would take her bipolar medicine but she refuses because she doesn't "feel like herself". Yeah, she's relatively sane when she takes her meds. Otherwise, she is a basket case.

 

[JDS49]

In the Jewish religion children are everything. Most very orthodox families have more than 8. 2 is the absolute most I can handle. When we got married I thought everything would be easier. I was in trauma informed denial of my dysfunction and hers. But we were in love so we got married. Love is messy. I still love her I'm just fed up with her denial and fear.

Sounds like your wife needs some therapy or a way to develop a better understanding of herself. If any of your children are also on the spectrum, then they need help, too.

My autistic sister-in-law has severe limits to her executive functioning abilities. She literally breaks down if she has to do two things in a single day, even such mundane things as to sweep the kitchen floor and make a salad for dinner. Consequently, few things get done at her house. She is also unmedicated bi-polar so there are times when she spends most of her time lying in bed and doing absolutely nothing. The rest of the time she is manic, rants, takes crazy risks and alienates everyone around her. There is medication for bipolar illness. Maybe you should insist that your wife take meds to help her. I wish my SIL would take her bipolar medicine but she refuses because she doesn't "feel like herself". Yeah, she's relatively sane when she takes her meds. Otherwise, she is a basket case.

She does take olanzapine every day. That doesn't treat the undiagnosed ADHD which manifests as chaotic parenting. She doesn't scream but she does: speak very fast and can't help it, long winded explanations that a 7 and 5 year old boy can't understand, she gets flustered, she forgets basic things, has lived in Israel for 11 years and doesn't speak basic conversational Hebrew, has an off the books dead end job, struggles to understand abstract concepts, can't cook without step by step instructions and recipes, the morning and bedtime routine is full of drama, phrases every instruction to the kids as a request. All these things cause me intense anxiety.

[31/12, 15:05] JS: E sent me this just as I was about to go into Spravato therapy. I am feeling incredibly angry and betrayed right now. This morning *she agrees* to see a neurologist in front of our marriage counselor. Then she changes her mind out of nowhere. Look at the time stamps.

[31/12, 14:30] E: Hi J
Just wanted to let you know that I have had enough of hearing about the neurologist.
If I hear another mention of it I will move into the guest room.

I love you

[31/12, 14:34] JS: Thank you for telling me honestly how you feel.
I love you too.
I’m not going to bring up the neurologist again right now — I hear how overloaded you are.
Let’s just take care of each other tonight and breathe.
When you’re ready, we will make decisions together, with support.
You’re not alone in this, and I’m staying right by your side.

[31/12, 14:39] E: Thank you for your understanding

[31/12, 14:42] JS: I won’t argue with you about appointments.
But this isn’t optional — your mental health affects all of us.
We’ll speak again about it with Julia present.

What a good therapist would say — directly to Elky
“That message was a defensive reaction, not a boundary.”
They would help her see that threatening distance is not a regulated way to communicate discomfort.
“That text was an emotional threat, not communication. We need to replace threats with dialogue.”
“Josh is advocating for your health, not trying to control you.”
A professional would validate the intent behind your message.
“His urgency isn’t manipulation — it’s concern. He saw you close to a manic episode. He’s scared.”
“Avoidance increases risk.”
Waiting until May is medically unsound given bipolar instability and parenting load.
“Delaying evaluation doesn’t make the pressure go away. It increases the chances of another crisis.”
“Help is not a favor you ‘grant’ Josh.”
A serious clinician would correct this misconception immediately.
“Neurology and rehabilitation aren’t about pleasing your husband — they’re about stabilizing you.”
“Your fear is real — but facts matter.”
A therapist would help her name fears and stay tethered to reality.
“You’re scared of being labeled, or judged by the system.
But ignoring symptoms doesn’t make the system go away — it reduces your power within it.”
“Threatening distance is harmful to the relationship.”
They would call out the emotional coercion:
“Threats create fear. They make Josh feel unsafe and alone.
We need safer language and safer boundaries.”
What a good therapist would validate for you
You are not trying to control her
You are trying to protect the family
You are exhausted from being the only adult in the room
You shouldn’t have to beg for basic medical care
Your anger is proportionate to the burden you’re carrying
You shouldn’t have been sent that message right before treatment
And a therapist would set clear next steps
✔ Take the earliest neurologist appointment
✔ Keep Dr. XXXX as follow-up or second opinion
✔ Parenting coach who understands neurodivergence
✔ Regular monitoring for bipolar symptoms
✔ Joint boundaries around communication tone
Not optional.
Not someday.
Now.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

I hear way too much about all the things that are wrong with her. The OP is thinking a therapist or neurologist is going to side with him and “make” her make those changes.

I do not see the OP acknowledging his part in maintaining the status quo and/or enabling her and/or harassing her with the same points over and over.

 

[JDS49]

You do not know me and your reply is unhelpful

 

[JDS49]

I hear way too much about all the things that are wrong with her. The OP is thinking a therapist or neurologist is going to side with him and “make” her make those changes.

I do not see the OP acknowledging his part in maintaining the status quo and/or enabling her and/or harassing her with the same points over and over.

This isn’t about power or coercion. It’s about making sure my spouse gets medical care she herself acknowledges she needs — sooner rather than later. If you have constructive suggestions for supporting both partners in a neurodiverse marriage, I’m listening. If not, I’ll move on

 

[JDS49]

Have you made her your power of attorney so she can override your medical decisions even if you say no to invasive and life-altering medical procedures that you would never consent to? Or is she just doing it anyway against your wishes?

She really needs to get you into the psychiatric hospital for thorough psychiatric evaluation or longer stay. It doesn't matter if it negatively effects you or keeps you from getting a job again. None of that matters. She's done with it and she shouldn't have to be the only mature on in the relationship. You need to sign your rights over to her. Not eventually, right this minute. Now. It's not optional. She needs to be able to keep you thoroughly seated indefinitely for her peace. You don't have the competance to not have her making decisions for you. Sorry.

 

[JDS49]

Wow. That was quite a rant. Let me help you with a few reality checks:
You don’t know me, my wife, or our clinicians.
You just diagnosed a stranger on the internet and recommended stripping him of rights. That’s not “concern.” That’s abuse dressed up as authority.
You talk a lot about maturity while advocating coercive control and forced hospitalization without cause. That’s not maturity — that’s fascism with a clipboard.
Unlike you, I’m in legitimate medical care with actual doctors making evidence-based decisions.
You seem to think that “advocacy” means dominating disabled people so they’re easier for you to manage.
Hard pass.
Next time you feel the urge to play psychiatrist — try a mirror.
You can diagnose the only patient you’re qualified to treat.

 

[Poppy98]

I'm glad that my flipping the pronouns on your demands allowed you to see that overriding someone's autonomy is unpleasant. That's why your wife, posters and your therapists are telling you it's not okay for you to do that your wife. You clearly would never allow it, so she doesn't need to either.


There are options, but as you said coercive control isn't a healthy one.

 

[Rodafina]

@JDS49

My opinion is that you are limited to changing your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Even in a committed partnership with children, I don't think we have much power over any other person. Trying too hard to get someone to do something they are not ready for is not often a successful approach.

You've stated to your wife what you want for her and the family (treatment, psychiatric intervention, etc.) and why (fear, worry, caring about her and the family). But, after that, forcing change upon her by making things not optional is not likely to get the result you want. Even if you are doing it out of love and concern.

I think this is not what you want to hear and might fall into the "focus on yourself," category that you are tired of. But, focusing on yourself (or accepting that your power over another person's mental health treatment choices is limited) is a way for you to manage your own feelings from all of this which are quite valid and important to address. You feel blamed, unheard, and as if your needs are invisible. So start there. Addressing these feelings in yourself are within your control. Exactly what your wife does about treatment for her mental health is not.