Advice from autistic spouses/partners needed

[JDS49]

Hi everyone. I’m autistic and married with two young kids. My wife also has neurodivergence and a diagnosed bipolar condition. She has trouble with:
• Executive functioning (organization, time, follow-through)
• Emotional regulation (gets overwhelmed easily, especially with parenting)
• Speech pace + coherence (very rapid, long sentences → kids don’t follow instructions)
• Memory + consistency (conversations don’t stick, routines break often)
When she becomes dysregulated, I end up being the one who must stay calm, manage parenting, redirect the kids, handle logistics, etc. It’s exhausting and often invisible to everyone else.
I’m trying to push for:
• A thorough neurological assessment for her
• Parenting coaching that is neurodiversity-informed
• More practical support from services
• Recognition that I shouldn’t be the only stabilizer at home
But I keep getting messages like:
“Just focus on yourself,”
or
“She’s the vulnerable one.”
This leaves me feeling unheard, blamed, and like my own needs are invisible.
Questions for the community:
How do you advocate for your needs when your partner is also struggling — without being seen as “controlling” or “unsupportive”?
How do you get professionals to see your burnout and not write it off as “you’re coping fine”?
Have any of you gotten parenting coaching tailored to autistic families? Did it help?
How do you handle resentment when you are the “functioning” one by default?
I’m not angry at my wife — we love each other deeply — but I’m scared that without real support, we’re both going to break.
Any experience-based advice would mean a lot.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

For perspective, I've been married for nearly 40 years and have raised 2 wonderful young men. My wife is NT. Both of us have worked full-time for nearly 40 years, as well. We were/are working 12hr shifts, 3-4 days a week. We worked for the same organization and tried our best to work opposite each other, so we minimized our need for expensive childcare. That said, although there was some separation of duties, most of the time, when we were at home with the kids, we had to do everything by ourselves. Neither one of us could "slack off" or wait until the other came home from work. The days we worked, we came home mentally "trashed" in the evening... that meant, grab a little food, "vegetate" for an hour, and back to bed. The other partner took care of everything.

Obviously, you've got an entirely different situation going on here. A lot to "chew on".
1. Executive functioning has got to be addressed. A family communication board (large dry erase). Each child with 1 or 2 things they are responsible for doing on each day. Appointments. Errands. Chores. With a check box. It takes a village to run a house. Everyone is responsible for something... even the little ones. Spread out duties over the week. 1-3 things each day. Stress can be reduced if everyone has a plan for the day. No one person is carrying the entire load.
2. No raised voices in the house. Brains shut off when emotions are heightened. The home is a sanctuary.
3. No negotiations with children. Swift enforcement of rules. No warnings. Execute decisively. Calm demeanor when you engage with children... but be firm... be an unyielding rock they cannot manipulate. They need to know... "if this, then that"... consequences. Again... you're not mean... you're not angry... there are rules and what mom and dad says... no discussion.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I would like to give advice, in my case married 45 years, all I can say ignorance is bliss had no idea I was on spectrum, until kids two sons left home finished college, now enjoy grandkids. I just did what my parents did, they were my example.

 

[Poppy98]

When she becomes dysregulated, I end up being the one who must stay calm, manage parenting, redirect the kids, handle logistics, etc. It’s exhausting and often invisible to everyone else.
I’m trying to push for:
• A thorough neurological assessment for her
• Parenting coaching that is neurodiversity-informed
• More practical support from services
• Recognition that I shouldn’t be the only stabilizer at home
But I keep getting messages like:
“Just focus on yourself,”
or
“She’s the vulnerable one.”
This leaves me feeling unheard, blamed, and like my own needs are invisible.

That sounds valid to me.

Someone made a video about this!

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC-nPM1_kSZf91ZGkcgy_95Q

Their suggestion is just both acknowledging that and seeking a third option where possible (ex prevention through regular babysitting appointments, or something analogous, though certainly childcare is more complicated than ordering take out).

Also the book series by Cloud and Townsend may be worth trying.

 

[Poppy98]

How do you handle resentment when you are the “functioning” one by default?
I’m not angry at my wife — we love each other deeply — but I’m scared that without real support, we’re both going to break.

experience-based advice would mean a lot.

Well, I don't have a disabled partner, so my advice may not be as helpful, but on a couple of occassions I've had a housemate with either brain damage or who was severly disabled in the past, so I'm definitely familiar with the "are they even able to do what I'm asking of them?" thing and ended up doing everything for everyone.


Anyway, I've found that sometimes trades are useful. "Ex I'll take care of the cleaning if you will take care of the bills and errands."
If there's a spoken agreement about how the responsibilities are broken up, it can make you feel less taken advantage of, especially if you actually feel like the trade is worthwhile and not just a sacrifice. In your case it might have to be more skewed to countering the labor with the kids.

Emotional regulation (gets overwhelmed easily, especially with parenting)
• Speech pace + coherence (very rapid, long sentences → kids don’t follow instructions)

I do think it's going to be almost impossible to get someone to develop skills that weren't their idea. Sometimes it's more peaceful to decide (as a pair) on the finishlines and let people figure out for themselves how they are going to get there.


I did find the peaceful parenting or whatever methods to be useful when babysitting even despite my limitations. It may be different with full-on parenting, but I still felt like they were helpful. Also dealing with adults can be useful for many of those skills.



Tangentally, I think Bluey is a decent parenting tool. It teaches the adults what childcare could look like (especially if you've never had a good role model) while entertaining kids.

Anyway, sorry that I don't have better info, but I still wanted to tell you about the childcare resources in case they help anyway.