Addressing double standards in dating/love/sex

[thejuice]

Thank You.

I’ve never wanted to date ‘for fun,’ as I’m ready to get serious and give my heart to someone.

Bide your time and it will happen!

 

[thejuice]

I think it takes women longer to fall in love

 

[BewilderedPerson]

Bide your time and it will happen!

Thank You.

 

[rse92]

There are few things I hate more in this world than double standards and hypocrisy, no matter what of life it is.

It seems to me they are especially prevalent when it comes to dating, and I’d like to share some examples.

The first example - as supportive as this forum is of me, my sincere gratitude, I’ve noticed people post on here, even ask me directly, what I can offer a woman, a woman has her goals, her dreams.

Okay, what about my goals and my dreams? What can a partner do for me? How many women have even considered doing something for me? It hasn’t been many.

And I’m not talking about giving me something of monetary value. The only thing I want from a woman is her.

Another one I see a lot, saying women aren’t objects, they much discourage use of language perceived as objectifying women.

That’s all great until I know women objectify men, that they size them up within seconds of meeting them if they’ll ever sleep with them or not.

You don’t want to be objectified? You want men to see you as people? That’s cool, just don’t objectify us or doom us within of even meeting us, without even knowing what kind of person we even are.

If we value looks into a partner, men are shallow, but women are just going for ‘attractiveness.’

To help give me some more fulfillment, I’m wanting to donate to a sperm bank and father a child, and hopefully have some kind of relationship with said child at some point in my life.

I saw a YouTube commenter lashing out accusing a donor of entitlement and the mother gets to decide which sperm to use for good genetics.

But the mother is entitled to good genetics for the child, then? Is that right?

I’d just thought I’d point some of this out, because I’m ready to love someone, give my heart to her and for her to take advantage of whatever good qualities I might have - but very few do and not for long.

And it doesn’t help having to wade through all of this while being on the spectrum and double standards existing in the world of dating.

What do you have to offer a woman?

 

[BewilderedPerson]

What do you have to offer a woman?

That’s exactly what I’m talking about.

I know I’ve got different good qualities, people always asking about what I have to offer a woman, what about what a woman could offer and do for me?

And that’s why I created this thread, wondering if I or my male brethren matter at all, or is it all about what I can do for others and never what others can do for me?

 

[Rodafina]

That’s exactly what I’m talking about.

I know I’ve got different good qualities, people always asking about what I have to offer a woman, what about what a woman could offer and do for me?

And that’s why I created this thread, wondering if I or my male brethren matter at all, or is it all about what I can do for others and never what others can do for me?

People are asking you that here because you are the one posting and you are the one people are trying to help. We cannot ask your date "What can you offer Bewildered Person?" You are getting this question because people are trying to help you think about how to solve the relationship issues that you post about. If you didn't matter, no one here would be trying to help you and yet, there are quite a few.

 

[BewilderedPerson]

People are asking you that here because you are the one posting and you are the one people are trying to help. We cannot ask your date "What can you offer Bewildered Person?" You are getting this question because people are trying to help you think about how to solve the relationship issues that you post about. If you didn't matter, no one here would be trying to help you and yet, there are quite a few.

This was the list my therapist and I came up with on good qualities/what I have to offer last summer:


Compassion
Sense of Humor
Good worker
Good at job, won awards
Honest
Assertive
Want good things for people I work with
Have capacity to help out at home, take more responsibility.
Persevere, not one to give up.
Well groomed, nice neat and clean.
Respectful.
Intelligence.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

That’s exactly what I’m talking about.

I know I’ve got different good qualities, people always asking about what I have to offer a woman, what about what a woman could offer and do for me?

And that’s why I created this thread, wondering if I or my male brethren matter at all, or is it all about what I can do for others and never what others can do for me?

I think these are totally valid questions. They will lead you to thinking about women as friends and looking beyond the wedding, though. You might find that very pleasurable. I spent many years focused on the wrong aspects of relationships, not to mention pursuing some NT mismatches. I wish, personally, that I slowed down and also focused more on Autistic women. My mistakes aren't yours, but the question of what different women bring to your life is a good one. And considered without pressure for a relationship, it could help you find a lot of happiness.

 

[Rodafina]

This was the list my therapist and I came up with on good qualities/what I have to offer last summer:


Compassion
Sense of Humor
Good worker
Good at job, won awards
Honest
Assertive
Want good things for people I work with
Have capacity to help out at home, take more responsibility.
Persevere, not one to give up.
Well groomed, nice neat and clean.
Respectful.
Intelligence.

That's great that you took the time to be introspective and understand yourself better.

I think that you can rest assured that you and your "male brethren" matter. Of course your needs matter. I hope you can see that the multitude of responses to your posts here demonstrate that people think you matter.

 

[BewilderedPerson]

I think these are totally valid questions. They will lead you to thinking about women as friends and looking beyond the wedding, though. You might find that very pleasurable. I spent many years focused on the wrong aspects of relationships, not to mention pursuing some NT mismatches. I wish, personally, that I slowed down and also focused more on Autistic women. My mistakes aren't yours, but the question of what different women bring to your life is a good one. And considered without pressure for a relationship, it could help you find a lot of happiness.

That's great that you took the time to be introspective and understand yourself better.

I think that you can rest assured that you and your "male brethren" matter. Of course your needs matter. I hope you can see that the multitude of responses to your posts here demonstrate that people think you matter.

Nine years ago this June, I survived a suicide attempt.

The main reason was over someone I was in love with whom I chased after for two years and she never gave me the time of day. She hurt me really bad 10 years ago today.

A smaller reason, however, was I felt like people didn’t care about me. I felt like people only cared about what I could do for them and no cared about me. Sometimes, I still feel like that.

That’s what I’m trying to work on with a psychiatrist, who assured me that I do matter and wants me to start telling myself each day that I do matter. The challenge is believing it, but I’m getting there as I keep telling it to myself.

Again, I don’t want anything of monetary value from a woman, just want to meet my person.

 

[Forest Cat]

I'm sympathetic to your situation and I'd be careful not to over share strong emotions or upsetting experiences early on,

I think this is good advice. It's so easy to share too much and talk too much about personal things and negative things, personal problems and so on. And that's not a good starting point. When meeting new people or having first dates with someone, it's best to keep it lighthearted and positive. Many years ago I had a girl tell me flat out to my face "I don't want to hear about your problems, I don't have time for drama or problems". She sure put me in my place, I overshared a little, talked too much about personal problems and she shut it down. She was tough and to the point. I was a little startled at first but I did learn something so it was good that she did that.

 

[Rodafina]

That’s what I’m trying to work on with a psychiatrist, who assured me that I do matter and wants me to start telling myself each day that I do matter. The challenge is believing it, but I’m getting there as I keep telling it to myself.

I think you'll get there. Many of us have been on that journey from absolute self-loathing and a feeling of worthlessness to ultimately finding our peace, our worth, and our value in the world. Just try to interpret people trying to help you as a sign that you do matter. I think eventually these feelings will come from within.

 

[BewilderedPerson]

I think this is good advice. It's so easy to share too much and talk too much about personal things and negative things, personal problems and so on. And that's not a good starting point.

Opening up about being on the spectrum?

I feel like if a woman can open up to me, and I’m genuinely nonjudgmental, why shouldn’t I open up to a woman in return?

 

[BewilderedPerson]

I think you'll get there. Many of us have been on that journey from absolute self-loathing and a feeling of worthlessness to ultimately finding our peace, our worth, and our value in the world. Just try to interpret people trying to help you as a sign that you do matter. I think eventually these feelings will come from within.

Thank You.

 

[Forest Cat]

Opening up about being on the spectrum?

I feel like if a woman can open up to me, and I’m genuinely nonjudgmental, why shouldn’t I open up to a woman in return?

Yes, but sometimes there is a thin line between opening up and being annoying and oversharing. So it's good to be a little careful at first. You can open up anytime, but you can't take it back when you have opened up. So I think it's smart to not open up too much at first.

 

[BewilderedPerson]

Yes, but sometimes there is a thin line between opening up and being annoying and oversharing. So it's good to be a little careful at first. You can open up anytime, but you can't take it back when you have opened up. So I think it's smart to not open up too much at first.

I’m okay with not opening up, but again, I’ve also seen women open up to me either on a date or before we meet, even, maybe even more than I do to them.

Let’s face it, none of us are perfect, and I’m the farthest thing from it, and while I’m not going to tell my whole life story on the first date, my mindset was it’s only fair I open up if they do.

 

[thejuice]

Seems fair, as long as you keep it balanced on how much you open up in comparison to them and also keep the ratio of positive to negative much in favour of the positive.

You don't want to be judged as 'complicated'. A first date is a bit like a job interview unfortunately. I suspect most people want to date to alleviate life's suffering and lighten the load. Even if it's hypocritical that they're unloading their problems on you. We're trying to stack the odds in your favour of getting a second date and we have to use some cold strategy. Once you've created rapport you can open up more later.

Perhaps keeping a diary or venting here will help you. We're a sympathetic audience, in the serious topics section. Here will probably be more dating advice.

 

[BewilderedPerson]

Seems fair, as long as you keep it balanced on how much you open up in comparison to them and also keep the ratio of positive to negative much in favour of the positive.

You don't want to be judged as 'complicated'. A first date is a bit like a job interview unfortunately. I suspect most people want to date to alleviate life's suffering and lighten the load. Even if it's hypocritical that they're unloading their problems on you. We're trying to stack the odds in your favour of getting a second date and we have to use some cold strategy. Once you've created rapport you can open up more later.

Perhaps keeping a diary or venting here will help you. We're a sympathetic audience, in the serious topics section. Here will probably be more dating advice.

Well, I haven’t heard from her since Monday. Oh, well.

Whether it’s dating or otherwise in my life, if I can be the bigger person, I will.

Thank You. This forum has been a boon for me. Other forums were unsympathetic to me, to say the least. Not here. I’m so happy and thankful to be here.

 

[Shevek]

Ever since Ma Nature invented gender, every critter has had to determine two things before reacting to another critter: 1: It it my species? 2: If yes, which gender?
I first found out about double standards around age two. My mother was usually meticulously fair. If she was visiting another mother, she would either take nothing, or something for each of the children there. Then I got in trouble for hurting my 4 yr old sister's feelings. I didn't know what feelings were, so I wouldn't apologize until they had described them, and then I was sincere about having been wrong. Two weeks later, I recognized that she had hurt my feelings, so I went and complained in turn. I got two blank stares. Boys were not expected to develop feelings of any consequence. They would just be a liability if I got drafted.
There are very good reasons for many double standards, because men and women have differences in their optimum reproductive tactics, which shows up clearly in genetic studies.

 

[BewilderedPerson]

Ever since Ma Nature invented gender, every critter has had to determine two things before reacting to another critter: 1: It it my species? 2: If yes, which gender?
I first found out about double standards around age two. My mother was usually meticulously fair. If she was visiting another mother, she would either take nothing, or something for each of the children there. Then I got in trouble for hurting my 4 yr old sister's feelings. I didn't know what feelings were, so I wouldn't apologize until they had described them, and then I was sincere about having been wrong. Two weeks later, I recognized that she had hurt my feelings, so I went and complained in turn. I got two blank stares. Boys were not expected to develop feelings of any consequence. They would just be a liability if I got drafted.
There are very good reasons for many double standards, because men and women have differences in their optimum reproductive tactics, which shows up clearly in genetic studies.

I don’t do any of that gender role/genetic studies stuff.

I always have a saying - I’m not a manly man, I’m not a girly man, I’m just me.