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Addressing double standards in dating/love/sex

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MNAus said:
Yeah, that latter one is a bit mean. I think there's a pretty big chance that they would be heading into things with at least the belief that they are looking for someone to have a loving relationship with, but you'd be heading in with the feeling of "I'm not really into you but you make me feel validated". I'm sure there are plenty of women who actually do get validation out of relationships (and men too) but I don't think it would be common that they would be there knowingly purely for validation. I think you would probably find you'd hurt quite a few people that way because to some extent it requires them to like you for you to get that validation.


But you can, and you are.
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During my school years, whenever I was into somebody specific, I’d go for it and would always get hurt. I don’t want to be hurt.

Everybody has their own experiences, but mine, I had a very hard time making friends especially when I was a kid, always being that kid picked on by others, disliked by others and being picked last in gym class. I’ve never had more than a small circle of friends, but at least I’ve gotten more into adulthood.

I also am in a rural area, women aren’t as near me, I’m lonely, I have no siblings and I have a small family. It’s tough, I feel alone a lot of times and I wish to change this.

Let me just say this in regards to complaining, and you can tell me if I’m wrong, I think generally speaking, a woman who complains about men will tend to get more sympathy and support than a man who complains about women. Yes, there are exceptions, but that’s it’s come across to me.
 
Masked Man said:
With all due respect - what would be in it for her?

Look - women don't need men anymore. Women for the most part, earn their own money, they can buy houses on their own, they can hold positions of power.

So... you're not necessarily competing with other men, you're competing with whether or not you add something positive to her life.

So you get validation. What does she get out of this? What do you offer? How is her life made better after that wedding and everyone has gone home?
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This somewhat ties in to my original post and my grievance that people seem to ask me what I can do for the woman and feeling like I get nothing out of it or not considering what the woman can do for a man.

Let’s be honest here, men and women can and do settle in life. If I am to settle in life instead of being with someone I really want, I offer stability, honesty, responsibility, loyalty, am willing to split bills, save money, spoil her, pamper her, comfort her, encourage her and be strong and supportive of her especially in the tough times - just like if I were to marry a woman I truly want.
 
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BewilderedPerson said:
I think generally speaking, a woman who complains about men will tend to get more sympathy and support than a man who complains about women.
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That's my impression too, the threads I have seen elsewhere (not here), where a man was complaining about woman were pile ons by both genders.

Here's my theory. The women were naturally defensive when a man complains about someone from their side of the gender divide. The men get to show value by attacking another man thereby showing they are better and relationship material.

The woman will get sympathy complaining about men from women who will naturally know what she is talking about. The men who sympathise get to show how sensitive and 'new man' they are and it's not hard to deduce why.
Masked Man said:
With all due respect - what would be in it for her?

Look - women don't need men anymore. Women for the most part, earn their own money, they can buy houses on their own, they can hold positions of power.

So... you're not necessarily competing with other men, you're competing with whether or not you add something positive to her life.

So you get validation. What does she get out of this? What do you offer? How is her life made better after that wedding and everyone has gone home?
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Thats true and it's also true the children need a father figure if they have kids.
 
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thejuice said:
That's my impression too, the threads I have seen elsewhere (not here), where a man was complaining about woman were pile ons by both genders.

Here's my theory. The women were naturally defensive when a man complains about someone from their side of the gender divide. The men get to show value by attacking another man thereby showing they are better and relationship material.

The woman will get sympathy complaining about men from women who will naturally know what she is talking about. The men who sympathise get to show how sensitive and 'new man' they are and it's not hard to deduce why.

Thats true and it's also true the children need a father figure if they have kids.
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Yeah, well what does that get the men? I’ve been told I’m a nice person, good person, great person, good qualities, desirable qualities, lots to offer a woman. Now, if only someone would just take me up on that.
 
Masked Man said:
So you get validation. What does she get out of this? What do you offer? How is her life made better after that wedding and everyone has gone home?
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^ You bring up a good point here that speaks to a larger issue as to why traditional hetero relationships, you know, the ones that have kept our species going generation after generation. I see this problem affecting both men and women in how they view their potential contributions to a relationship. The all too common answer today when asking the question: "What do you bring to the table?" seems to be......."I am the table." Meaning, "I don't have to actually contribute anything to the relationship other than my literal presence. Very narcissistic.
 
REMINDER:

Whereas Irreconcilable differences - Wikipedia can be a factor in
a relationship, remember that discussion of politics, political parties, and individual
politicians, when unrelated to autism, is not a subject to be pursued here.

"This site isn't the place to discuss the values of a political party or specific politicians
unless it specifically involves discussions related to Autism."
Post #1, https://www.autismforums.com/threads/politics-discussion-forum-statement-of-purpose.19704/
 
Marriage is a thing you work towards. It's not - hey, here l am. Get the wedding song playing. Oh yes, l need to be in total control. Wait, did l tell you, this maybe one of the happiest days of your life, (bride), l need to micromanage it down to the nano second to appease my vanity of feeling valued at this present time of this lifetime. I am thinking the odds may be against you.
 
Aspychata said:
Marriage is a thing you work towards. It's not - hey, here l am. Get the wedding song playing. Oh yes, l need to be in total control. Wait, did l tell you, this maybe one of the happiest days of your life, (bride), l need to micromanage it down to the nano second to appease my vanity of feeling valued at this present time of this lifetime. I am thinking the odds may be against you.
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I just would need to be in control of the things I really desire, she can have whatever she wants on other things that day.
 
So, another example of a double standard could be on the horizon.

Being hurt badly, I’ve been hoping for a rebound, and it looks like I’ve got a tomorrow afternoon rebound date scheduled.

Most of my dates are on the heavier side, with few exceptions. This one told me about it and gave me the chance to opt out, and said she has an autoimmune disease which makes it hard for her to lose weight.

Because I don’t care anymore and want to have something judgment-free, I shared my diagnosis yesterday. My message to her:

‘I’m sorry you have to deal with that.

But that doesn’t bother me, and I hope it doesn’t bother you that I’m on the spectrum. So, if I come across as different, I just thought I’d give you a heads up.’

I’ve got low expectations and not putting a lot of stock into this date, though maybe I’ll be surprised. I’ll ask later tonight if we’re still on for tomorrow, but if I don’t hear back, wouldn’t it be something if I’m not judging her, but she’s judging me in this instance?

In my opinion, I’m the bigger person here if that’s what the situation turns into.
 
Are you expecting it to be an issue?

It's a little bit of an apples and oranges situation.

Part of dating is judging and being judged based on ones personal values, resources and genetic selection.

If she does judge out of hand, well she saved you time and money.

I would probably agree you.could argue you're more open minded.

It's a woman's prerogative to be more 'picky', it's just how we successfully evolved. It's higher stakes for them.

I've mainly been out of the dating game bar one long term relationship. I'm far too sensitive to rejection and mostly stay on the fringes. I never participated!
 
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thejuice said:
Are you expecting it to be an issue?

It's a little bit of an apples and oranges situation.

Part of dating is judging and being judged based on ones personal values, resources and genetic selection.

If she does judge out of hand, well she saved you time and money.

I would probably agree you.could argue you're more open minded.

It's a woman's prerogative to be more 'picky', it's just how we successfully evolved. It's higher stakes for them.

I've mainly been out of the dating game bar one long term relationship. I'm far too sensitive to rejection and mostly stay on the fringes. I never participated!
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It’s not an issue for me, since most women I go on dates with, with few exceptions, are heavy set anyway.

You know, I don’t value a person’s genetics, per se, it’s not something I’m searching for. I’m searching for my person, to put a ring on, to delete these apps and end the dating phase of my life for good. Transparency, free of judgment, that’s what I’d like in a partner, going both ways.

Is it this one? Probably not, but you never know.

The stakes are high for me, too. I get only one life and I do not want to die before this happening to me. Does she exactly have the greatest genetics with her weight and an autoimmune disease that makes it harder for her to lose weight?

Do I have a prerogative to be picky, or is it just women?

And like I said in another thing, of course it’s her prerogative, any woman’s prerogative, not to date men on spectrum, but we’re not missing out on them, they’re missing out on us.
 
As someone on the spectrum I agree they are missing out!! Although autistics do get dates.

I agree it's your right to be who you want to be with and not settle for less.

Women have the added complication and risk of pregnancy, even with modern contraception. So that's why they are more discerning than men, in general, when it comes to mate choice. Take the gay scene, there's no risk of a 9 month pregnancy. That's what heterosexual dating would be like without women putting the handbrake on things. They are the gatekeepers of sex if you will.
 
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@BewilderedPerson

Yes, you can decide what attributes you like or dislike for your dates. She can do the same. If it happens that ASD is something she is not comfortable with because of ignorance or something else, it doesn't mean that is a double standard. It means that she is using different standards.

Of course I think she would be wrong because we're so great :)

Double standard - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org en.wikipedia.org
 
Well, I got my responses:

‘Hey I totally don’t mind that. That’s not an issue, I’m sorry if someone made you feel it was at some point. And actually I just got asked to go to Indy to pick up my aunt and uncle since I’m off tmrw, would you be mad if we moved the plans to another day? I’m sorry if that’s an inconvenience’

To which I told her:

‘
I wouldn’t be mad. At this point, it would take a lot to make me mad/upset, honestly.

Thank you for your understanding and your consideration and getting back to me.

I’m still happy to meet you at some point. I don’t know what, though, as I had a game tonight, games tomorrow, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, plus I’m sure you’re busy Wednesday as I have some non-work related stuff I’ll be busy with.

I guess Sunday-Monday I could be open to rescheduling, outside chance of Wednesday, but I’d guess unlikely.

Have a safe trip to and from Indy.’

She said:

‘Umm well would you be open to still chatting and then finding a time? If not, I totally understand. You seem super nice and I’m sorry that was very last minute. I’m sorry’

So, I agreed to keep talking with her and working something out, she seemed to like that.

You might ask, why reveal my diagnosis?

Because I have nothing to lose at this point. What could she or any other person say or do to me on a date that could possibly hurt me worse than this last one did?

That’s why I’m not upset. I admittedly would have been in the past, but if she postpones the night before, so what? At this point, so what? If that’s the worst thing, I can’t complain.

I got hurt and felt misled a couple of weeks ago, still haven’t deleted her number or her contact because I sometimes believe in miracles when I shouldn’t. I miss her when I probably shouldn’t.

I just want my pain to go away, and someone would really have to do something messed up to me that could hurt me at this point.
 
I may be missing something ... is that "Indy" response from the person you hade a date with a little while ago?
 
I was asking about the person you referenced.

I've heard of the "Indy 500" (and watched it on TV once or twice, but I'm more of an F1 guy :) so I guessed the location references were to the city.
 
Hypnalis said:
I was asking about the person you referenced.

I've heard of the "Indy 500" (and watched it on TV once or twice, but I'm more of an F1 guy :) so I guessed the location references were to the city.
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This was the person that I would’ve met today, different from the other one, whose contact I still haven’t deleted yet and still have a soft spot for, foolishly hoping for a miracle.

If I went out and bought the winning Mega Millions/Powerball ticket today, she’d be the first one I’d ask to marry me, even though she hurt me.
 
I'm sympathetic to your situation and I'd be careful not to over share strong emotions or upsetting experiences early on, it might overwhelm her. She probably wants to date for fun at this point.
 
thejuice said:
I'm sympathetic to your situation and I'd be careful not to over share strong emotions or upsetting experiences early on, it might overwhelm her. She probably wants to date for fun at this point.
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Thank You.

I’ve never wanted to date ‘for fun,’ as I’m ready to get serious and give my heart to someone.
 
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